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female
,
anonymous
writes: With my b/f for a year.One night we were lying together on the couch and the lower collar of his white t-shirt i see a straight line thats about half an inch. To me, it looked like lipstick that wasn't mine. (It wasn't bright red or anything so its hard to describe on the collar. Almost like a brownish, tint of orange maybe type of color. I use pink lip gloss. I mentioned you have a mark on your shirt and without really looking he said its probably lipstick.(Meaning--from me b/c i tend to get that stuff on him) And i said well it wasn't from me-mine is pink and he said well it has to be from you and it came out of the laundry today. I do not see him til 7:30 at night because that is when i get out of work. The stain did not look old--like it set in and it appeared a little darker than mine b/c when i felt it i could kind of smear it then. He then said so then what are you asking me in a calm way. At that point, I dropped it thinking--ok its me being insecure. I second guessed myself because i felt like if it was a lipstick stain from a girl--wouldnt it appear more like her lips rather than a little straight line or more smudgy like a blot. Wouldnt it have been a little more messy, bigger even--how can it appear so straight like that? But if its make up i guess that doesnt matter. It seems weird to me that if he was making out with someone or something--that it would appear so straight and thin and smeared across it or in other little areas. It was just this one mark. This happened a couple of month ago so i can not bring this up now. I am just trying to make sense of things. Its hard for me to believe someone who introduced me to his family and who took me on vacation would cheat. Would you consider things like that more of a cliche now a days unless it happened a few times or something? Is it a dead give away or would you look for my signs like him not wanting to see me which hasn't happened--going out more often with out me--which hasn't happened either. The way i rationalized it was--it would have appeared more messy if from a girl kissing his neck or whatever it may be and probably smeared meaning more than one spot. I let it go hoping its a misunderstanding or maybe it was something else. But like i said does it matter if make up is make upSpeaking to one of my friends--she said since you think it wasn't old or anything, meaning it would have to be very recent that it was done(that day)--would he really be that stupid of a guy to not worry about the smell of perfume or something that would probably rub onto his shirt where i can smell it? That does cliche even happen? Most likely he would have checked himself or changed shirts and maybe thats why the stain could have come from anything besides that.... What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 November 2006):
 You posted this same question recently and a long list of aunts told you the same thing: you are obsessing over this and should seek help for that. It sounds from this post that you haven't taken that advice on board.
So I will try again.
Please realize that this is YOUR issue. You are tearing yourself apart unecessarily. Stop thinking about the lipstick. Just stop it! You are feeding your own obsession and making things worse, not better.
Ask yourself this, for all the hours (days? weeks?) you've spent thinking about this, have you actually managed to get anywhere? To find out more? To make progress? Get anywhere meaningful?
Please consider taking my previous advice and going to discuss this with a therapist or councillor. Obsessive behaviour is very difficult to deal with on your own, the help of someone else trained in this area will make a huge difference to you, and to the ongoing quality of your life and your relationship(s). Please at least consider this advice, rather than brushing it aside and going back to thinking about lipstick.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 November 2006):
You've given many reasons why it might not be lip stick. You're trying to convince yourself it's not. That's understandable. The fact is you'll never know. I know it's difficult to let it go. Talk to your guy. Let him know how you feel. But, do it in a nice way.
Trust is important. You've got something on your mind and it sounds like you're starting to obsess on it. This pattern of thought, if not controled, can start to take over your life. Fix it now and put it to rest. Sit down and tell him how much you love him. Tell him your fears and wht's going through your head. See what he says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): it sounds like you have no independent reasons to be concerned in the relationship, so i think this is a really silly thing to be worried about. not least b/c i am confident that at one time or another i've managed to accidentally get lipstick or make-up on the shirts of several guy friends with whom i have absolutely no romantic involvement or even interest, so that even if it WAS make-up, and it WASN'T yours (which, by the way, it's easy to get stuff on a shirt and not realize it, and it's easy for food, etc., to look like make-up), there's a plausible, completely harmless explanation (crowded elevator-she's short, he's tall, etc.)
more importantly, if he'd actually been cheating, why would his reaction to "you have a mark on your shirt" have been "it's probably lipstick" and put that right out there? seems ridiculous. if i were a cheating guy, that is definitely NOT what i'd do.
why are you worried your bf is cheating on you? have you had bad experiences with this in the past? are you just really insecure? or is there something else going on here that you didn't include in the post??
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