A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So, I think my marriage is in trouble. I told my husband about 9 months ago that I was tired of living in a sexless marriage. We hadn't had sex for about two and a half years. Things got better for about two months, but since then nothing. That's not actually my question. It's just background.For the last year, or so, I've been having intense fantasies about other men. Recently I've found myself extremely attracted to one of my oldest and closest friends. There isn't anything going on, but my husband asked me if I was going to leave him for my friend. I told him there wasn't anything going on, but that I did have feelings for my friend and that I was dealing with it. I also had to talk to my friend because he could tell I had feelings for him. He told me he was flattered, that I was very beautiful, but it was just too complicated and that he wanted to be able to look my husband in the eye. They are friends now too. I told my friend I would keep my feelings of attraction out the picture. It's hard though, I adore him.My question is--what does this say about my marriage? I'm confused that I could have such strong feelings for someone else. I asked my husband to go to counseling, and he agreed. Then he decided to switch jobs and took a week off in between. Right now, he is on some sort of road trip with no itinerary. Which I don't begrudge, but it does feel like he's running away from our problems. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. I haven't actually talked to my husband since he left. I talked to his sister (he was visiting her last night), and she told me he should be back here for the weekend. I'm just going to ignore the fact that he didn't call, and I'm going to try talking with him when he gets back. Hopefully, we can kind of reconnect emotionally as a start.
My friend and I actually had a bit of a row last night, and he left town this morning. He's actually going to be working out of town for most of the next year so, you're right, the distance from him will be good. When he gets back, I hope I'm over these feelings. I really value his friendship, and I don't want to screw it up by having feelings for him.
A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (3 May 2007):
The root of this problem is that so many people think sex must stay within marriage. Then you marry someone who doesn't want sex and you suffer the rest of your life, or you have to get divorsed even though you love the person. It so easy for people who have good sex lives with their partners to not understand, and sex therapy doesn't work for everyone. So what do you do?
First of all, the whole concept is just plain wrong. You have to come to grips with that. The only problem is it's often difficult to find a spouse who agrees. Everyone is so insecure and wants to own their partner. "I won't have sex with you, but you better sure as hell not have it with anyone else!" What utter selfishness!
The second problem here, is confusing infatuation or sexual attraction with love. You can still love your husband and find another to be sexually attractive.
But if you want the standard answer it's this: "you obviously have some serious issues if you want to have sex outside of marriage. You don't love your husband. You need to get help. You need to get him counselling. If things get better, great, if not, then either get divorced or keep going on with the cycle." Unfortunately, it doesn't always work. I think some of the people who post this kind of thing are very insecure and they don't ever want to lose their spouse or think of their partner having sex with someone else. So they pass that on to everyone else, thinking somehow it will give them more security.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you end up doing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): Counselling would be a good idea. Your feelings are unclear at the moment, due to you not really knowing why your marriage is in trouble. And the attraction you have to your friend isn't helping either.
Arrange some couples counselling for you and your husband, and tell your friend that you need a break from seeing him for a while. Your feelings will become clearer once you get some distance from him.
And then you can do some work on your marriage with your husband and the counsellor, which will help you decide if you want to stay married or not.
Good luck with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): it says that you two dont talk enough. you go talk to your friend which has caused feelings as you feel he listens to you and your husband runs and hides away at work and its he can tell this as he confronts you about it. i think that there is something on his mind that maybe he is worried about something that has lead to not much action for you in the bedroom and he maybe suffering in the same way from this, i think personally when he comes back home you should sit down an talk but don't get hot headed!
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