A
male
age
30-35,
*ocalsAndRhythmGuitarist
writes:Hey Agony Aunts and Uncles, I've been having a small problem lately with my girlfriend. We've been together for a year, and we've enjoyed together a great sex life, and we also enjoy foreplay almost as much as the sexual act itself, but recently sort of an issue came up, I wanted to try oral sex, it's something I had never done before for a girl, but she had done it before with previous boyfriends. So when I asked for it the first time she said yes just to let me know what it is and how it feels. The thing is, I had never had oral sex done to me before but I knew it was horribly done, and I quickly noticed that she was really, REALLY! not into it. So I just said thanks, it was a nice experience.Some days later I asked her about it, if she liked giving it to me or not, and how can we make it more enjoyable for both. She said she doesn't like doing it but it feels really good when it's done to her. So I offered to try it on her, and so I did, I went down on her, and I have to admit, it was awesome, I really liked it, it even tasted nice... I know it sounds crazy but I loved going down on her, and so, I've done it a lot of times since then. Every time we start the foreplay I do the same things I know she enjoys (back rub, kisses in the neck and lips and nipples, etc.) plus oral, and then when sorta her turn comes to turn me in before we start having sex, she always does the same boring things, couple of kisses in my neck, licks some spots in my torso including the nipples too, and that's it. It's always enough for me to get a rock-hard erection, but on the inside I feel like I need a bit more stuff, and so I ask her for a bit of oral, or maybe play with my penis a bit, massage my testicles or anything down there, and she always puts this...FACE! And says no, or if she doesn't answer she lets out a soft 'ugh'. That really gets me mad. So I just stopped asking for that, once I've done all the foreplay to satisfy us both and get an erection we start having sex, but it's really getting me tired and bored. I really need her to be more into foreplay, and start thinking of it as... I don't know, maybe adult playing? I always think of foreplay and sex itself as adult gaming, and so that's what inspires me so much when I'm having fun doing all those things I know she enjoys before sex, but I really want to enjoy the foreplay as much as I know she does, I'd really like to make oral sex an addition to what we already do, and I mean oral sex for both, not just for her as I've been doing.So my question is how should I approach her to ask this? What should I say as not to anger her? Should I stop giving her oral until she agrees to give me oral or is that a mistake? Should I stop having sex with her until she agrees to give me oral too or is that a mistake too? Help!
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 To "Miamine" and "VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist," you are both welcome if my thoughts are of any help. I'm an older man, but experience really does matter as you will someday realize. The question here seems to be whether blow jobs, at least occasionally, equate to happiness. Well in my opinion, yes. And so does giving oral satisfaction (cunnilingus) to a woman.
But oral satisfaction should always be reciprocal. When properly done, the experience is exquisite pleasure for both partners, but it should always be an enjoyment shared willingly, happily and with enthusiasm. Some are not ready to go there and some never will, but that is something they may never know.
A
male
reader, VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist +, writes (2 March 2010):
VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to everyone, especially DoubleM and Miamine, it was really helpful, and well, I'll see what I can do, I'll try to give her as much time as I can, and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Thanks Double M, I'm totally out of ideas.. In a situation like this somebody ends up unhappy, there just dosen't seem to be a fair compromise.
Again, someone mentioned flavoured condoms, maybe that will get over her dislike of fluids... Really and truly, I give up, can't see what you can do, that won't hurt her too.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (2 March 2010):
In my opinion, "Miamine" has the right idea. Your girl may simply not be ready for giving oral to a man at her age. It is a give and receive kind of venture that requires getting past the adolescent and teenage mentality that sexual things are nasty. And young women may still be in the icky-cootie mode.
A man's semen is actually beneficial for a woman to ingest, due especially to the testosterone hormone content, and other ingredients such as protein, minerals and vitamins that cause no harm at all. Providing the man is healthy and disease-free, studies have proven semen to be helpful to a woman's health, particularly in breast cancer prevention, stress-relief and other issues.
But you are not going to convince an immature young girl that sucking you off is good for her. Either she wants to or not. Nuff said.
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A
male
reader, VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist +, writes (2 March 2010):
VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, my age is reported as 18-21, I am 18, but my girl is 22, and she's pretty mature, apart from the thing we're discussing here. When we watch porn together I try to sound pretty enthusiastic about everything they do, including the oral sex part, but it doesn't seem to interest her at all.
Although, there was this one time, when we were watching a documentary on How To Do Great Foreplay and there was this part when they were teaching something about a threesome, in which 2 girls work together to orally turn on a guy, and it really was awesome and I know she noticed how much my mouth was watering, and she told me it moved her a little and made her feel guilty, and told me with these exact words "It makes me feel bad that if we were to do that, and it was the other girl that gave you everything you wanted instead of me, then you might feel really really bad and think that why isn't it my girlfriend the one doing it, the one who is supposed to love me?". But that really didn't do much on her, since she quickly went back to her ego and said she still won't change her mind.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2010):
Your age is reported as 18-21, if your girl is young then she may still be immature when it comes to sex and stuff. For young teens, (and some women) things like kissing, sex, fluids are seen as "icky". In time she may change the way she sees things as she grows up and gets more experience.
Young guys are at their prime at 18+, women get sexually ambitious when they are older, around 30's.
Don't know if this helps you understand where she might be coming from and what might be in her head.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2010):
Very interesting.. next time you watch pornography together, see if they are showing a man getting oral sex from a woman. Maybe this might be a way to interest her in the issue.
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A
male
reader, VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist +, writes (2 March 2010):
VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist is verified as being by the original poster of the question"By the way, do you watch a lot of pornography?"
Not too much, and when I do I usually watch it with her since she enjoys watching it too, so I mostly download long porn movies, and usually no amateur stuff, so we watch it as any other movie. But it's just occasional.
What does it have to do anyway?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2010):
Sounds like a good reason to me.. she dosen't like bodily fluids too much. She dosen't like semen, she dosen't like spit. She dosen't like doing oral sex to you. That's how she feels, and no about of trying to twist her to your view is gonna make her happy. I don't doubt her when she says, if she tries she will vomit all over you. Many people feel like this, oral sex was once something forbidden.
As I said, best not to mention oral sex, but start on something simple like cuddling, kissing, caressing and touching you. In the end, if you push hard enough, you'll get your way.. She'll suck your dick and hate ever single moment of it, and hate herself for doing things she's not comfortable with.
By the way, do you watch a lot of pornography?
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A
male
reader, VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist +, writes (2 March 2010):
VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I talked to her about it. I'll try to quote our conversation as accurate as possible. (We talked on the phone)
Obviously I didn't get to the question out of nowhere, I started rounding the topic for a while and once I thought it was the right moment I asked her
me: why won't you do it to me whenever i want it? Its not like I ask for it every day, I only ask for it like once every week...
her: i just dont like it!
me: what don't you like about it? cuz i really enjoy everything about you down there, even the taste to be honest
her:*more to herself than to me* "eww". It's the uhh, that sticky liquid that comes out of the penis that grosses me out and I just can't do it.
me:oh come on you know it's not that much, it's not like I'm ejaculating in there, that's something I know I would never do to you.
her:I dont care if it's just a little, it's just enough to gross me out and make me stop. You know how I'm always freaked out by sticky things.
me:I know that, but I thought that if it was MY penis, something part of ME, then most probably you wouldn't mind, but saying that something that comes out of me, and it's barely noticeable, is gross then that draws me to conclude that I gross you out.
her:You don't gross me out, how could you gross me out? You're my boyfriend, and you know I love to kiss you and all.
me:that's not what it seem, and don't act like your not repulsed by kisses too, because every time I stick my tongue inside your mouth you kinda back off a bit, and if I plant a kiss on your cheek with a bit of saliva you start screaming and saying "ewww"
her:but I told you! I hate feeling sticky, even if it's from a kiss!
me:wow...just wow...You really think I'm gross, and I can't take it. Do you love me?
her:how could you ask me that? you know I do, and you know I would do anything for you, but that particular thing (oral) I just can't do, I just can't and I will never change my mind about it. I can do it occasionally, when I feel like I'm not gonna vomit if I do it.
me:Oh, great! When's that gonna be? Next year? Good luck finding me, cuz I'm probably not gonna be with you if this keeps on.
her: why?! Why can't you just settle just with me loving you like no one else would?
me: Because I'm not like you, you know how ambitious I am, and you know it's not an obsessive kind of ambitious cuz you said yourself you wished you were like that, that you wished you have more goals, but unfortunately you settle for anything you can get.
her:that's not fair, you know I try my best at everything you can.
me:what is it that you CAN do? because lately I've been thinking that there is nothing you can do good. You think you're gonna be working at that Wendy's forever? getting paid $7.50/hour and working your ass like a slave for 5 hours and getting out at 1am every day? That's you, not me, and I wouldn't settle for that, that is your huge problem, you're always good with just the crappiest things. Anyway!The point is that I love that you love, but you barely express it, you say it a lot, but sometimes it sounds really dull, or...hollow, cuz you have nothing to back it off, and at the beginning I was fine with it, cuz I was so lost in your beauty that anything you'd say I would believe it, but I'm getting somewhat skeptic on how you say you feel about me cuz you're never giving me anything to actually believe it, just words. I know you've always enjoyed the sex, I have too, but how can I know you're not using me? If the only way you "express" it is by sex and saying I love you, and when I ask you for ANYTHING else, like oral for instance, or a massage, or soft-tickling my tummy the way you know I like, you always put this annoyed face... or let out a stupid groan. I just feel used, cuz I ask you for something aside from sex and it's always a face...
After that, she just kept saying excuses, with stuff like I really love you, and care about you and really wanna make you happy. She even said it wasn't true that she made a face when I asked for something, that she only did it when I asked for oral. Anyway, The conversation in my opinion didn't get to anywhere, she still refused to do it more often. I really didn't get anywhere, I know I was a bit harsh on what I said, but I assure it was nothing but the true. I know the truth always hurts, and I know I hurt her with that, but I thought maybe it was the only way to shake things up, and no, it wasn't, it got me NOWHERE.
Comments?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 Some women do not enjoy oral sex or feels no benefits from it.
It could be their strong inhibitions or taboo's in their culture or mental blocks or some sexual traumas which prevented them from enjoying it.
When a woman is made to feel that she has to perform oral sex because it is her duty to her husband/boyfriend, because he wants and enjoys it, or because she’s being controlled, she loses any real desire and therefore any chance of ever enjoying it herself.
Withholding oral sex on her or manipulating her would backfire on you.She would resent your attitude and would kill off her sexual desires for you.
Do you want to have sex with her for your own selfish desires or to pleasure and make her orgasm.
You should put her at ease without any expectations
or insist on oral sex. Allow her to choose when ,where and what she can do together.
It is like dancing. She may not like those fast numbers but prefer those slow one's. You need to respect her , give her the control and encourage her efforts.
Encourage her to come out of her timidity and give her encouragement when she does the right things.
You need to teach each other about your bodies and the pleasures it brings but if she does not like it, you should not force upon her .
Go along with her wishes as this would make her feel love and appreciated and she won't feel pressured or controlled.
reference:-
http://justmemarissa.wordpress.com/2007/10/03/oral-sexovercoming-my-aversion/
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 March 2010):
Well, for some people who believe that oral sex is nasty, bad or worse, I do not think anything you say will change their mind. As has been mentioned here, some think it is slutty for a woman to give oral to her man. How can you change that opinion? I don't think you can.
In my opinion, sharing oral stimulation and satisfaction is one of the greatest pleasures a couple can share when it is freely and willingly enjoyed. The problem is finding a partner with the right attitude about it, whatever the gender. But to answer your question, I would not be very enthusiastic about giving oral pleasure to a woman who would not reciprocate, so if I were you, my tongue would not be so active down below.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Every girl seems a little different in what things they like to do and which ones they don't.. Some even like anal sex, and alot don't, and choose not to ever let you go there.. From personal experience, it seems when certain ones get turned on really fast, they want to just jump to either getting eaten or fucked like NOW. The other thing I noticed is that there are very few that can mimick a pornstar in the way they give head, so don't expect that to happen much. Tell her to do a twisting motion when she jacks you off while sucking, and to use her tongue more, and avoid the scraping with her teeth. When she learns to properly let it glide through her mouth, and how to tease it with her tongue, she might start to enjoy it a little more. The better the technique, the more they get into it and seem to enjoy it, so try researching techniques, and then just casually request a certain trick you know of here or there, the odd time she actually gives you a bj. Get her into 69 too, so you're both going at it at the same time, and the more you please her, the more she'll get all excited while sucking you off. Maybe this will help build up some urge for her to go there, as well.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 March 2010):
You never had oral sex before, she dosen't like it, but she done it so you would have the experience.
"The thing is, I had never had oral sex done to me before but I knew it was horribly done, and I quickly noticed that she was really, REALLY! not into it. So I just said thanks, it was a nice experience." (VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist)
She dosen't like oral sex, that's her right, lots of women don't like oral sex. She dose like when you do it to her, and you like it to, again that's her choice. It's not selfish not to like something, and as you've found out, if she forces herself to do it, she gets none of the pleasure that you do....
However, giving no foreplay at all to you is not fair, it's not loving and it's not kind. It's a bit much to expect you just to get yourself turned on without proper caressing and kissing. Sounds like she's not totally comfortable with sex or a man's body. Probably she's brainwashed like many women to hold back or to be classed a nymphomaniac.
Tell her that your sex life is distressing you, tell her that it's all give on your part and she gives nothing back. Don't mention the blowjobs, but tell her what other things you like. Tell her that your more than a penis and you would like her to touch you the way that you touch her.
A compromise, maybe as has been suggested, flavoured condoms and maybe the 69 position, where you do oral sex together. But if she dosen't like it, then it will ruin your sex life if you make it the big issue. Instead tell her that making love to a selfish woman makes you feel lonely and used.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Well I'm a girl and I've done oral before and it's different to all girls, some enjoy it more. I don't mind sucking but it's not my favorite. I think you should try having a nice honest conversation with her and tell her how you feel about it. The last thing you want to do is say that you will stop giving her oral if she doesn't give you any. Just talk to her and see what she thinks. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): I hear you, I had many women, give me oral, but I can honestly say that non of them did it right. I always feel they are either half hearted or trying not to taste it.
Sadly Ive notived that women wont really make an effort for anything that doesnt suit them, thus 9.999% give lousy head. I mean how hard could it possibly be to figurre out, put it in her mouth and suck..there it is..not rocket science.
You really need to talk to her about how you feel, really try to get her to understand that this is important. Id stop going down on her, but also you should encourage her, make a few little noises when she is doing it right. Most men dont really make noises during sex, so how is she suppost to know whether you like it or not.
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A
male
reader, VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist +, writes (1 March 2010):
VocalsAndRhythmGuitarist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to make an addition to what I said here:
"Should I stop giving her oral until she agrees to give me oral or is that a mistake?"
I don't think this would work because she says she's fine without oral sex, it just feels good that's all. But I thought maybe if I stopped giving it to her then maybe she'd wonder why I stopped and maybe she'd want it back.
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A
female
reader, funkilla +, writes (1 March 2010):
Interesting question. Normally I would say to not NOT do anything you like doing - you mentioned how you liked to give her oral. But it seems a little selfish on her part to want to receive but never to give.
Pressuring her into doing something she doesn't want to do isn't the right way to go about things. Withholding sex is unreasonable, but withholding oral is not.
Sit down and talk to her about why doesn't like to give oral. Is it the taste? The inexperience? Nervousness that you don't like it? Don't accept "I just don't like it" as an answer. Those things can usually be fixed. There are flavored gels and condoms you can use for oral to fix the taste. Inexperience needs more practice. Nervousness that you don't like it could be solved by encouraging her and telling her how much you're enjoying it during oral.
As far as withholding oral, its your call. You seem to enjoy doing it, so it really up to you.
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