A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for about 6 months and things are going very well. We are both mature, professional adults in our late 20's, truly believe we are IT for each other, and are planning on getting engaged officially in the near future. Here is the problem: I own a house which is about a 45-50 minute drive from where she works (and she currently lives in that area with her parents). She insists that I sell my house, and states that things will not work between us unless I move out and we both get a place where she lives now. She is so set on this that she gets very upset when I do any work to my house, accusing me of not being invested in our future together. I recently painted the kitchen and it caused a huge fight over this. She said "why do any work when you will be moving out soon?" and accused me of not being serious about us. If I do anything to better my house it causes a fight. Also, I work from home and drive a company car so she says that it doesn't matter where I live (even though I have a territory where the majority of my work is and I would have to drive much farther to my job sites).I really love this girl and want things to work, but we are at an impasse. I can't sell the house, and according to her I can't with her in the long run unless I do so. I am just looking for general opinions on my situation. Is this normal? I don't want to tell my family about this problem because I don't want them to think negatively of her. They helped me greatly in fixing this house up and for me to give it up less than a year later because of her would really cause tension. I think she's being extremely self centered and unreasonable to ask this of me. I only have lived in this house for 9 months and will take a SERIOUS financial hit if I sell it any time within the next 2 or 3 years. I suggested renting it, but she said that would be too much of a burden for us.I would love to hear your thoughts on my situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): hi got this on the net ... read this so you can see wcompletly selfish your woman is about this, 50min to see your fiance is NOT a compromise, you do that because you truly miss and want to be with them, do u want kids with her one day lol imagine what a big compromise that will be for her The Art of CompromiseExploring the benefits of a give and take relationship...by Jennifer GoodMany people mistake the act of compromise as selling-out or giving in. Compromise to them means giving up something. In actuality if you stay true to the real definition of compromise you will gain a relationship free of petty battles. You will learn how to co-exist in a loving and appreciative way. So, what does compromise actually mean? According to Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary it means, "A settlement...by mutual consent reached by concession on both sides..." The key words here are mutual consent. It can't be a true compromise if one partner doesn't feel it is mutual. The act of compromise by definition indicates that both partners take an active role in finding a solution. This cannot be done if one or both partners are angry. When beginning to address an issue with your partner you should adhere to the following steps:Note: It may be a good idea to let your partner know ahead of time that you have some ideas about a certain situation, and you'd like their insight and help with it. This can help set the tone for positive, non-accusatory discussions. Agree beforehand that if at any time either partner feels angry or upset about the issue you can come back and talk about it at a later date.Talk about the situation openly and calmly with each other. Explain what that situation is to you, and how they feel about it. Then, have your partner do the same. Agree to take turns talking out the compromise. This will allow each partner to fully discuss his or her ideas. Do not interrupt your partner during this time.TALKING OUT THE COMPROMISE:Depending on who goes first, decide what possible outcomes or solutions would be acceptable to you. Take a look at it from your partner's viewpoints and decide if these solutions would be fair to them. What do you feel your partner wants from the situation? Revise your outcomes or solutions around what would still be acceptable to you, but also accounts for your partner's best interests.The next partner should now follow Step 3.Note: Solutions to your problems will vary. For example, if the issue is that you don't feel you are sharing the workload around the house, your compromise could be: "If you do the dishes, I'll cook dinner."Agree on a "DOABLE" compromise. Don't take one step forward only to fall two steps behind. A compromise should be considered a promise. You don't want to have one partner following through with their promises, and the other lagging behind. That will only create a relationship filled with resentment.Agree on a future time, right then and there, to talk about things that may come up. Ideally, you'll want to agree on a date a week in advance. It is crucial for any relationship to have "us" time to talk through issues or problems you may be having. You'll find a weekly check-in date will help dramatically decrease the amount of flair-ups in your relationship.Compromise is a way of helping each other find a solution that benefits both people. When you start looking at solutions to your problems this way you can't help but gain a happier relationship, which in turn creates a happier you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt really is funny, this house situation now has me rethinking the entire relationship, and noticing how its not just the house ... its everything about my life that she wants to control. She does expect me to make all the compromises. She uses the fact that she already has her "dream job" as the reason why I have to be the one who changes my life around, with no meeting in the middle. (I have a very good job, actually much better paying than her
s but she doesn't respect my career because I'm not doing what I really want to do in life and she is). We have the same birthday coming up, and she made reservations at her favorite restaraunt for us, with her friends and family all there (with no concern about whether or not I'd like to spend my birthday with my parents)... I guess I needed an outlet to vent about things, and by doing so I'm really seeing the truth about the relationship. I brought up the fact that I'm always the one doing the compromising once, and she stated that the fact that she drives the 50 minutes to see me is a huge compromise she's making to be with me. I basically am starting to feel like an accessory in her life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): I can see what she is saying but i agree that she is being selfish. Maybe she can't see that it would be almost as inconvenient for you to live that far away from your area of work and maybe it's as simple as pointing these things out to her? If she can't see that it must be like talking to a brick wall. If she states this as the only reason, it seems ridiculous that if she loves you so much she would be prepared to lose you over something so petty. If you are truly with the right person you would be prepared to make sacrifices sometimes even bigger than this. Is there nowhere in between the two places that you could move to as a compromise? It sounds like from what you're saying that you are being expected to do all of the compromising and this will lead to arguments in the long run-i have just got out of a relationship where my boyfiend seemed to think his life was more important than mine and in which i worked around him all of the time. If you give in on this she will think she can boss you around on anything and have everything on her terms after all this is a pretty big thing that she is demanding you do. If you haven't already I would definately make sure there are no other issues such as mentioned the fact she might be worried that it is your place and your project and that she is not part of it. Or maybe she feels that you are being selfish (I'm not saying that I think you are) because you don't want to move and that the financial and family reasons arent your convenient excuses..just to make sure prove it to her. Hope this helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok to respond to some of your comments, no 6 months is not too early to be thinking about marriage. Everyone is different, if you wouldn't think about marrying someone in 6 months of dating thats your choice. We're grown adults here who aren't new to serious relationships. My parents were MARRIED 7 months after they met and had 4 children and a wonderful loving relationship that is stronger today than it was 40 years ago even. So I really don't want to get into "how soon is too soon to talk about marriage" discussion. I will say that maybe 6 months is too early in OUR situation because of exactly what is going on right now, but in general everyone is different.
And the reason she wants me to sell, if you haven't gotten it from my original question, is that she doesn't want to have to commute 50 minutes to work since she only lives 5 minutes away now. Basically, she does not want to change anything in her life to make the relationship work and is expecting me to change the areas of my life which make things more difficult for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Why would she give you un ultimatum like that, perhaps she’s just plying a power game with you to see how much she can control you, if she wants to force you to change what you like and who you are for her than she does not really love YOU but only the image she creates of you in her head, she wants to force you to choose her why? I think you need to have a serious chat about this, yea marriage is about compromise but angel what she wants is not a compromise it’s control, be careful that this girl loves you and is as serious about you as you are about her
Maybe try and find out why she feels so strong about this, I mean the two of you can invest in your futures just as well in your house, tell her that if se agrees that you keep your house, the two of you can give your house a complete make over, the way the two of you would like it to be for your future, it might help. When I was a little girl I always said that I will make sure I have my own house before I get married so my husband can come stay in MY house so that when he has a tantrum cant kick me out, LOL im staying with my boyfriend in his apartment, but yea that was what I thought maybe she’s thinking the same thing, or something along that lines.
And good luck
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (8 January 2009):
 First of all, even if you agree to sell your house, the improvements you are doing to your place will only increase its value which would benefit her as well so point that out.
Perhaps getting her involved in the renos might help things out......
she sounds pretty demanding, its your house not hers and you're not even married yet, how bossy will she be once you do get married and her name is on the deed.
6 months so way to early to start thinking about marriage, wait at least another year, get to know her better, slow things down
she seems to just be eager to move out of her parents house and into something she can call "hers' or "ours". make sure her intentions are not selfish. you sound like a nice guy and im sorry to say this but shes walking all over you and it wont get better after you get married
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