A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother is very controlling even though I am already married. She is a single mother and brought me up all by herself. She worked multiple jobs just to pay for my education. I feel like she really cares about me but her love goes too far. For instance she gets very jealous if my sister braids my hair. She constantly tells me how scared she is for my health because I look too skinny (I weight 128 pounds). When I got I married she has gone so far as to tell me how to have sex with my husband. (I never had sex before marriage because she talked me into not doing it). When I was little she kept taking me from one hospital to another until I was misdiagnosed and given some horrible drug that then really made me weak ad sick until another doctor told me to stop taking it.She is constantly worried that I am too stressed. When I was younger she used to bit me up for going out. (I was 22 years old then). She was genuinely afraid that I was going to be raped. When I dyed my hair she told me it is ugly because I now kind of look like my father. (he had black hair).This all makes me so sad. I love her and don't want her to feel like this about me, but every time I have tried asking her to stop in person, via email, writing a letter, over the phone, the result was always the same:She would tell me that she wishes me best, would sacrifice herself and give away anything for me to be happy and that I just harm my health by not eating enough food, resting enough hours and she is convinced that I am very sickish. This actually has made me sick, I have a lot of anxiety over how much I weigh, I constantly think that I need to eat more food but my stomach just feels good. I can't enjoy sex. I feel lots of guilt thinking bad things about my mother even though I know that she does not mean me any harm and truly believes all those things about me.She keeps sending me money even though I asked her not to, and even though she makes far less than I do and needs that money because she has gone to a point where she has holes in her shoes and is missing several teeth. I feel so bad for this. I don't know what I can do to stop this. I just want her to be happy but when I try to tell her that she tells me that I am her happiness. I can't have a person depend on me so much for their mood and happiness level. I know that it is very hard for her that I am a grown up woman now (I am 26). What should I do? I don't want her to feel left out because she has given me a lot. She looks depressed and eats a lot of food, she does not want to date any men and all she wants to do is guess? - "take care of me..."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Your post is very sad although extremely thought provoking. You appear to know your mother well and you already touched upon her reasons for controlling you - that she was a single mum and worked hard to care for you. She lives in fear and this extreme fear is causing these actions in her. The fear is losing you or you changing or being something she no longer knows. She takes it personally (too personally) if you do something of your choosing. She controls you to keep herself close to you and safe. Safe is good because it keeps her fear at bay. Can you see the cycle? You are brave to want to tackle this and it is absolutely in both your interests to do so. Please please please seek joint counselling with a family therapist. Your mother needs help to understand how her behaviour is having such a negative effect. You need to explain to her that you want this therapy to improve the close bond with her you so want and this will help to allay any fear she may have that you are distancing yourself through therapy. I went to see a counsellor (not with my mother but issues surrounding family were explored) and my mother was more bothered about appearing bad or whether I would 'discover' bad things about my mothers behaviour through counselling than the reasons for actually going in the first place. Your mother is clearly vulnerable but you need to rise above that and meet her "adult to adult" not "child to parent" on these issues as they are no longer acceptable in your life. Carry on being strong and being yourself. Once you fully understand the background to your mothers actions and she recognises, accepts and is prepared to remedy the situation your life will improve beyond recognition and the past can be put in context. I hope this helps. (p.s. I have been picked on for being skinny all my life - ignore it, eat what you like as you sound beautiful to me :-)
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