A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The HONEYMOON stage in the domestic violence cycle confuses many. Often the Abuser has just left one abusive relationship at the height of the abuse in that former relationship. And thus is able to start the next relationship where the the previous relationship ended. So at the start of the relationship the abuser seems too good to be true. Charm all the way. Though look deeper and listen carefully, and to the practised eye and ear the patronising tone and air towards the victim is already evident. Yes, it's true there are No raised voices and No hitting, No slapping nor worseInstead the abuser seems too good to be true.TRUE - the abuser is too good to be true.That's because the abuser wants this new relationship to be different. This occurs at the start of every new relationship an abuser starts. 'this relationship will be different' 'the last relationship failed because (victim) was this or that or did this or that to 'make' the abuse happen.It is never the abuser's fault, in the opinion of the abuser.The abuser wants to talk at length about what terrible slights, things, difficulties their last victim imposed on this 'poor, hard done by' abuser. These unjust allegations against the previous victim are just a smoke screen thrown up by the abuser. In an effort to mask the truth.Often the abuser will go further and try to throw unjust allegations, that the previous victim is/was 'unstable' a 'liar' and 'out to get the abuser'The truth?The previous victim has been terrified, demoralised, hit, undermined. You name it, nothing is too low for an abuser.Domestic abuse has cycles. There is a period at the start of the abuse cycle where it seems that the comments and criticisms appear explainable and inconsequential and petty. Easily fixed. The victim tries harder to please the abuser. Thinking the abuser is just slightly irritated.But the abuse escalates. Each time to a higher level of violence. Until it all comes crashing down into a shocking episode of domestic violence.The peak of the violence cycle. Where the victim may end up battered and bruised, in hospital, or hiding in fear at a friend's home.This pulls the abuser up. The abuser knows that this time the abuser has really over-stepped the mark.The abuser will be apologetic, appear to be filled with guilt and remorse. 'i'll never do it again' and 'i'm sorry' and maybe even flowers or a gift, given to the victim, is not uncommon.The victim is about to enter the calm period. This is a stage in the abuse cycle called 'the HONEYMOON stage' of domestic violence.The abuser starts being nice. The victim is relieved. Where before the abuser looked scary, now the abuser cannot be too helpful.The victim assures worried family that all is OK. Doesn't need treatment. Assures friends that the abuser has turned over a new leaf. And that it will be safe to return to the abuser.Family are often sceptical. With good reason. And family may still urge the victim to leave the abuser permanently.But the victim believes in the abuser, and believes the abuser has stopped being abusive and now all is OK.Such a belief by the victim can be dangerous to a victim.Think of an abuser as a volcano with a deep bubbling well of harmful destructive larva within. On the suface all may look calm. But during the honeymoon period the abuser is building up tension within. The abuser sees something that needs correcting and seething resentment and anger threatens the calm, but the abuser holds it at bay. The abuser bottles it up. The abuser puts on their false mask of calm, yet still feels frustration that they have to 'put up' with this situation and the lava within builds up extra heat. Pretty soon things escalate and the abuser comes very close to showing anger, holds it at bay, but it's getting harder. The lava rises up a notch and is hotter again.Finally something small happens, the abuser snaps, but immediately goes into over-drive explaining their outburst. Often to the point where the victim takes the blame for doing the 'wrong' thing.This does not help things as the abuser now feels justified, when the victim has clearly accepted the blame.From now on the abuser is back on the abuse path. But the victim is still thinking the honeymoon stage is the norm.But surely it's OK? After all the abuser said sorry immediately?If the victim starts to get scared again, (remembering the nasty zenith the worst abuse reached some time earlier prior to the honeymoon stage) then the victim may feel able to speak rationally to the abuser. Remember this is still the Honeymoon stage, to the victim. And due to the control evident within the abuser the victim is still lulled into a false sense of security.And has started to believe that the abuser is no longer capable of abuse.But things can change.And this time the victim is clear that any time things go wrong again, that this time they will get out IF it goes wrong again.Yet once the victim suggests leaving this will instantly heat that lava up very quickly to boil over point. None of the stages of domestic violence are of the same duration. Each stage varies between abusers. And even varies at different times for the same abuser in different relationships. A honeymoon period could be a day, a week, a month or much longer.Just as a volcano will sometimes erupt without too many signs of trouble on the surface. So too the abuser.An abuser needs CONTROL of every situation. They feel they are the only individual capable of controlling everything they touch. Everything has to be subject to their imprint. Right down to such petty things as how their eggs are cooked. Or how their lawn is cut. There is only one to do things, which is their way. The victim they abuse is seen as a possession under the abuser's control.Therefore advancing the idea that the victim wants to leave the abuser is a threat to the ego and the pereived power of the abuser. The most dangerous time for a victim is the moment they tell the abuser that they intend to leave the abuser.A victim should NEVER threaten to leave an abusive relationship.Once the abuser hears this (threat to the abuser's ears) then the volcano of hot molten lava cannot be held back.Now the abuser thinks back about all the things the abuser has done to 'help?' or 'correct?' the victim. Not seeing what they have done as abuse.The way to leave an abusive relationship is to do it in a safe way, and as soon as the realisation dawns, that it is an abusive relationship.Don't wait until hair is pulled, or eyes are blackened, or walls are kicked in, cars damaged, children psychologically damaged by seeing the abuse, money stolen, friends lost, reputation trashed and more. Instead quietly start gathering resources needed. A victim is very very vulnerable at this time. Try to put aside funds in a separate bank account. If the abuser controls all the money then never do grocery shopping with the abuser. Don't keep grocery receipts. Instead buy cheaper products and funnel some of the cash away in an untouchable place. Paypal is such a refuge. No bank statements. You need a bank account, an email address and a password. No you don't earn interest, but at the small funds stage (under the equivalent of one month's salary) then this is not such a problem. If you live where you can trust the local police, then let the police know, after you have left the abuser, that you have left the abuser, and why. And the details of that abuser.That way the police will not be as moved by a tearful abuser urging the police to look for the missing person (where the abuser conveniently forgets to admit their abuse of the 'missing' victim. Also victims should try to have a prepaid mobile phone, one that is activated the moment after the victim has left the abuser. Never give that phone number to any misguided individual who might give that number to the abuser. Once again a prepaid results in no pesky accounts and if the abuser does not know the number nor the carrier the abuser will have trouble tracking the victim via their cell phone. An abuser is often very cunning and sly about tracking down their victim. They can sound so sincere and convincing with their 'story' on why they 'must' find that person (their victim) .A victim needs to ensure googling their name will not result in success for the abuser. Facebook and other networking sites are thus also a threat to victims. An abuser will often track their prey, (victim) they are hunting down, through friends.All this makes it so clear that the time to leave an abusive relationship needs to be as soon as possible.To be lulled into a false sense of security, by the calm before the storm, represented by the honeymoon period, is a dangerous strategy for the victim and the children and loved ones of an abuser.The other reason a victim should leave as soon as possible is that an abusive relationship takes such a psychological toll on the victim. The victim is more worried, more lined and distressed than a person who is not abused. This can lead to the victim looking stressed and anxious and this prematurely ages the victim. So the advice to any victim is to get out of the relationship as soon as possible and as soon as the victim recognises that they are being abused.And while i have mentioned it before i will mention again: the greatest resource i can recommend to anyone being bullied and abused. What is it? It is 'Biderman's Chart of Coercion' It is on the internet. And you can read more about it in a book to assist victims of bullying or domestic abuse called ''bullying from backyard to boardroom.'' Chapter seven in this book contains the 'Biderman's Chart.' one of the editors of this book is Dr William Wilkie.No, i am not associated with the book in any way. I just think the book is very useful for any victim of abuse, wherever it occurs.When you see the abuser's action on Biderman's Chart you will also see listed the response the abuser wants. It is important tha a victim to NOT react the way the abuser expects. It will help keep the victim from reaching a low ebb.Even after a victim has left the abusive situation, the victim will still be vulnerable for some time to come. It is Very Important that the victim not contact the abuser. If any contact has to happen then it can only happen through a lawyer, social worker or an official person who will not betray the whereabouts of the victim. Also victims should Never use family as a go-between. Doing that causes a victim to be too vulnerable and at risk of more from the abuser.So the lessons are : 1. do not feel the honeymoon period will last2. Domestic abuse will continue to get worse3. Get out of an abusive relationship as soon as possible4.Biderman's Chart of Coercion- find out the stages and do not react the way the abuser expects5.The abuser feels that they are the victim6. Abusers often go on to abuse another victim, then another victim. They feel justified doing so 7. No one deserves abuse nor an abusive relationship8. The abusive cycle is a series of stages, each nastier than the last until the abuser reaches the worst level. Then the abuser says sorry. And goes to the honeymoon stage 9, during the honeymoon stage the victim can erroneously think the abuse is over10. A victim should never tell the abuser that they are leaving, just leave, and leave quietly, when the abuser is not there. Tell the police they are leaving and why. As long as no one will mis-guidely 'accidently' tell the abuser where the victim can be found
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bullied, cheap, facebook, flowers, money, period, the internet, violent Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Hashi
Sorry I did not follow up earlier. Thank you for the lovely feedback
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, Hashi  +, writes (22 March 2011):
Abella thank you for this article. I have recently come out of an abusive relationship and I must say hindsight is 20/20, you described the abuse dynamics to a tee. I hope more women get the opportunity to read this article and that it sticks in their mind and hopefully triggers a change in them that will give them the strength and determination to leave before its too late.
PS is it possible for me to email you personally, I have a few questions to ask.
Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, xoxemilyxox  +, writes (13 March 2011):
thank you
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I'm going to bookmark this article for future reference and for linking purposes. Thank you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven if this article helps just one person to walk away from an abusive relationship i will be happy.
Regards
Abella
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