A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 10 months now, and I am struggling badly with insecurity.My girlfriend had a 'friend with benefits' up until the point we started dating. However, about 6 months into our relationship, I found that she was cheating on me with him. This repeated a couple more times after this discovery and nearly tore us apart, until she stopped about 3 months ago.The problem is, the two of them still see each other regularly, as he is pretty much the only friend she has, as she has several social anxieties. I feel bad wanting her not to see him, but feel horrible asking her to stop seeing her only friend. It just makes me feel horrible, as on the one hand it makes me wonder if it's really stopped, and on the other it acts as a constant reminder of what happened.Part of the problem is we are currently living far apart, so I have to entirely rely on my trust in her, as anything could be happening and I would have no way of finding out. Also, I know that he wants to have sex with her again (I have seen texts from him propositioning her, some pretty dirty and saying what he'd like to do to her when he next sees her) and that he wants her to leave me - again distressing me as he holds such a sway over her. She hates saying no to and upsetting people, and he takes maximum advantage of her through this - he knows her well enough to be able to manipulate her to a fair extentI have talked to her about this and though she says she understands how I feel, does nothing to change. She even admitted she doesn't especially enjoy hanging out with him, but feels she'd go mad without SOMEONE to hang out with now now and then. She feels that none of my friends would want to spend time with her, and that she won't be able to meet anyone else. Like I said, she says sometimes she understands why I feel like I do, but has also called my concerns 'daft' in the past and seems to suggest she can't see what my problem is, suggesting I just don't like her having male friends and gets angry and defensive.I don't know what to do. I want her to be happy, but at the same time I can see he is only holding her back, and that is even without the massive amount it's upsetting me. And my ultimate worry is that eventually he'll succeed in convincing her to leave me. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): I have been in your shoes. It is so depressing to know that the one you love has betrayed you and insists on keeping that third wheel around. Let me tell you something: IT IS COMMON FOR CHEATERS TO TRY KEEPING THAT "FRIEND" IN THE PICTURE. BUT IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. It is painful for you. Her friendship with him is not really a friendship. A FRIENDSHIP is where people JUST like each other's company or polite, healthy conversation. Friends do NOT flirt, get sexual, cross the line... Especially when one of the friends happens to be in a relationship! She needs to stop being selfish and realize that what she did to you was very hurtful and she has jeopardized the trust. It is up to her to do her part to rebuild that trust. Accepting his flirty, dirty text messages is NOT acceptable. It is not the way friends conduct themselves. It sounds like their friendship is really based on sexual elements. If you are NOT okay with this, then you need to tell her that. You have no way of knowing whether or not she is crossing the line with him. I don't think she is respecting you. Since you put this post on here asking what people think, that is what I think. She is not giving you the respect and understanding you deserve. My wife did this crap to me and she insisted on being friends with the ugly idiot she cheated on me with. It was like surviving a shark attack and then having her put a shark right in my own bathtub. This "friend" was a constant reminder of the horrible experience I went through. I tried making her see this, but she wouldn't or couldn't. She was thinking of herself and wanting to keep communicating with that idiot "friend." (But in MY case, she did not know the other person before I came along). My wife was with me for five years before she met her "friend." So this really screwed with my mind and my heart. She knew how hurt I was but she kept sneaking emails and texts and LYING to me about the nature of their conversations. They were still flirting and talking about their affair. My wife changed her email password so I couldn't see their emails. She lied to me all the time. She called me a control freak because I wanted her to STOP talking to this friend of hers. It was CLEAR that there was more than JUST friendship between them. It was NOT the kind of life I wanted to live. It sounds similar to you and what kind of life she is forcing you to live. But I am saying that it doesn't have to be this way. Talk to her about how you feel. I don't know why you have to be living so far away. But part of the healing process after someone cheats is to CUT OFF ALL TIES WITH THE THIRD PERSON! She needs to cut him off in order for you both to have a chance to let this heal and for you both to rebuild trust and bond closer. She should do that much for you. And it won't kill her to make some new friends. Ones who aren't trying to get into her panties or have been in her panties. That's what I told my own wife. I am telling you the same advice. If she wants to work on this, then it will be fair and reasonable. If not, then she'll keep beig a pig with him and telling you he's just a friend. Even if she isn't having some kind of sex with him, she is still behaving inappropriately with him. And at this point, you should NOT be put through that. He needs to buzz off and go find someone who is single. I know you love her but if this keeps up, you will fall out of love with her and become depressed. You will see her as something you didn't think she was and it will make you see it. Her behavior will become a turn-off and you can fall out of love with her. Just know that not all women are like this. Some don't cheat. I feel bad for you and I really wish you all the luck! I went through it and I told my wife to cut off that moron or I was REALLY leaving. We had many arguments but in the end, she saw that there really was no point in trying to be friends with someone where an attraction was present. It was also disrespectful to me, so she cut off the friend completely. Since then, we have been moving on. I am trying to trust her again but she knows I will NEVER be okay with her being friends with that moron again. I told her even today to forget it. I don't care that a year has passed. Attraction is what it is and it's not a good way to make friends. The sexual thing is always there. And I think it's WRONG to be friends with someone you CHEATED on your honey with. It is beyond FU*KED UP. Time for her to make some new friends or maybe YOU should. Someone NEW.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Of course you feel trapped... you've basically said that you can't leave her, so you'll keep torturing yourself with a girl who clearly doesn't have the loyalty to you that you do for her.
I hope you come to your senses one day.
Good-luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone so far for your views.
I can understand why you say to leave - I actually broke up with her a little while ago, but we got back together as she said that she wanted to do everything she could to rebuild my trust in her.
The problem is that she has her own emotional demons, and I feel that if I tell her I don't trust her, she might just shut down. She is the kind of person who will more likley decide that she isn't good enough for me if I confront her about it and leave me because she feels I could do better.
But the thing is, I don't want that. I may get criticism for this, but for me this isn't just anothe girl, I love her more than anyone I've ever known. Losing her would tear me apart...
I just hate what this is doing to me. To my shame, it's even pushed me to reading her text messages before, which I have regretted ever since. I hate myself for it and am disgusted. But that was also how I saw him texting her saying the kind of things he wanted to do when they next met up (which she later assured me that was just him talking, they didn't do it).
I just feel so trapped...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): It's nonsense, it's not insecurity at all she cheated on you with this guy and probably still is, it's not healthy for your relationship that this guy is still in the picture. I'm afraid it's a case of you manning up and laying down the law, it's you or her "friendship" with him..and let's be clear, he's not her friend, she's a girl he can have sex with, and she let him, most likely is doing so now..you dont know that because she's broken the trust and doesn't seem to be doing anything to try and repair it. She cant say no to him then you say no to her and move on, what do you want peace of mind or wondering every minute when they're together if their having sex? It's up to you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 March 2011):
I also say move on. This woman has blown any real trust away, and realistically there's no way this can be fixed because she's so into her own little world.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (17 March 2011):
Move on dude. You can't trust her because you shouldn't trust her. This is not your insecurity, this is her insensitivity and un-trustworthiness. I'm all for having opposite sex friends in a relationship, but this is NOT a friend. This is an ex.
She's proven that she can't be trusted, he's proven that he's not hanging around her simply for a platonic friendship. She's also proven that she's not willing to give him up. Gameover. You deserve better.
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