A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay… I’ll try to make a long story (kind of) short here. I am 17, turning 18 in several months, and I’m a girl. There’s this guy I had a crush on from the time I was 14. He is 30 years older than me. I saw him on a regular basis for a couple of years (he wasn’t a teacher, just fyi), until last year, when he changed jobs. He was always friendly to me on the rare occasions that we spoke, but I don’t think he knew at that time that I had a crush on him (and aside from one little thing with an anonymous valentine *blush* I was pretty good at keeping it a secret, because I knew I was too young for him).We-ell, I ended up finding him online early this year, and we started talking. No big deal… I just wanted to get to know him a little better, because after months of not seeing him, I was still thinking about him. He remembered me, and we got to be friends. This thrilled me to no end because in the past I was sure that I would never have the chance to get to know him.Just the other day, he told me that he wishes we could talk face-to-face. I’ve been thinking the same thing. The long and short of it is, we both want to meet in person, although it will have to wait till I’m 18, and, um, I think my feelings are being returned. Which is a total surprise to me, I never saw it coming, but I am so happy.So, here’s the interesting part: my parents know nothing about this guy. I am so afraid that they are going to FLIP when they find out about this – not only that I want to see a guy who is my dad’s age, but also that I’ve been talking to him for months on a social networking site. My parents don’t think that things like MySpace and Facebook are safe/good, and while they’ve never expressly forbidden me to use the sites, they would not like finding out that I’m on them. They would probably try to take away my computer or something if they found out. Now, I’m really careful about Internet safety – I don’t use my real name or put up any pictures of myself – and I know what I’m doing. I’m 17, not 12. But I think they’d still have a fit even if I tried to explain everything to them.**sigh** In general, I have a really good relationship with both my parents. I don’t keep a lot of secrets and I’ve always been responsible, mature, trustworthy. I don’t want to ruin that. They’re just a bit protective, and it’s going to be hard enough telling them about this guy when I’m 18, and then with the online thing on top of it all… yeah. I’m feeling guilty, but I don't think I've done anything terribly wrong. What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, chick989  +, writes (10 June 2010):
I have been with my partner just over a year and he's 32 years older than me (i'm 19 now). we have many barriers against us - mainly his children and my poor mum who is totally devastated but at the beginning i thought our love for each other could conquer all. it's me and him against the world. nobody will ever approve - to be honest i don't care what people think it's my life.
at first it was amazing - all i could want and more but now all he wants to do is stay in and watch tele. our major downfall is the fact that he is £30,000 in debt and recently had to result to moving in with his mum - before this i felt soo in love. he is the only guy that's ever made me feel special but due to his situation he's changed - sufferng depression etc.
until yesterday the age difference didn't bother me. i came back from visiting friends in another city, did all the things teenagers should do - clubbing and having a good time with your girlfriends. he is overly possessive and doesn't trust a word i say. i'm missing out on so much and it is only now that i can see it. he's my life and i don't really have a life beside him anymore. if you choose to start a relationship with him just be warned that you wil miss out on sooooo much - there's a whole world out there and i feel my life is over even though i'm 19 because i know we don't have long together. if he had money it would be different but he will never clear his debts as long as he lives. i am seriously having a rethink and i think you should too xxx
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 You are wise and matured for your age. You will know him better with time and you should not hurry but to achieve your aims in life first.
Have a plan about what you want out of life. This would guide you along the road that you choose to travel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. I have already thought about the difficulties that the age difference will present, and I'm willing to deal with them. He and I have things in common and we get along well. He has said several times that if I don't want to meet him in person there is no pressure on me to do so. It's going to be a while yet until a meeting would be possible anyways, and no worries, I am proceeding cautiously, and if something seems "off" to me then I won't see him - but I really do think that everything is on the up-and-up here. Thank you for your thoughts and I appreciate that you took the time to answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): This is a bad idea. You probably only think you like him because he's an older, more mature man and he's paying attention to you. He makes you feel attractive, wanted, mature. In reality, you have to understand he has experienced an entirely different life from you, has entirely different friends, and will be unable to give you what you want from life. If you guys end up together, he might be dead before you're even 40 years old. All the people you will be around will be 40+ years old. How do you know he isn't only paying you attention because he wants you sexually? Almost all men who talk to young girls sexually are deviants in some way, and how would you feel if he started scoping up all your attractive friends the same way?
This is a dangerous area to be in, and it looks like it will end in nothing but pain for you. I am only two years older than you, and even I know this. I have been hit on by tons of older male friends throughout the years (25-45) and I've never taken any of that seriously. It actually creeped me out. Why? Because any man who was that old and after a young girl is after only one thing. I've also seen young girls get crushed and used by older men. Just stay out of that. If you really want a "mature" man, look at the ones a year or two older than you. That's where I got my fiance from. Take care.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 June 2010):
It is going to be a very long and uphill climb for you on this issue .
Most parents would be against it and it will take a lot of convincing to prove to them that you really have love for each other.
If your parents are understanding ,they may allow you to carry on after they are convinced that they cannot change your mind about him.
I think you should shelf this idea of telling your parents for now ,until you are absolutely sure of your feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): ahhhhyou will never be able to talk about childhood experiences, favorite old tv shows. music when you were young. how things used to be. Your morals and ethics are probably very DIVERSE. Unless one or both of you decide to turn a blind eye and are the type to never look back- it can not workbut I did have a friend who married at man one year older than her father and stayed married for 20 years. She was never allowed to socialize with any of us who were her age so I dont know how she really felt during that time- just his friends: but after he had an stroke, she was allowed to care for him until he died. then she was left alone- no kids becase he had them with his first wife- so here she is 56 years old and on match.com looking for a relationship...
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 You are not my daughter, so I can tell you my opinion without freaking out.This guy is 47, he met you when he was 43. If he's as innocent as he sounds online. He would remain celibate for 3 years, until you turn 18. He has options to meet other older women, have sex with them without legal trouble. But no, he chose to suppress his sex drive, just for you, because you are that special. How realistic could that be?Either he's is terribly unconfident as a man or he has pedophilic tendencies. A decent mid aged man would not have interests chatting with a girl. Out of the many things to do, many women to pick, he wants to fantasize himself with a young girl. This is not mid life crisis. I can not think of anything romantic coming out of this. He is not a Morgan Freeman. Although what he and young relative are doing I would never agree at all and is none of my business.You can chat with whomever you want online if you are discreet not to put private information. The moment you tell your parents you are admitting there is something serious going on, and that you are trying to make this relationship real. Your parents have rights to be concerned because this 47 year old is suspicious. This is not something out of a Wuthering Heights novel. At least the guy in there was 37, and the girl was 17. Your parents would freak out, but whatever you do they are still your parents and would look out for your best interests. For your pride, I suggest you bury this relationship and forget about him.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (3 June 2010):
 I’ve taken a few tries at responding to your question, and probably still don’t have it right. Bear with me; as much as you don’t want people to say what’s wrong with what you’re doing, I can’t really do anything else.
If my math is right, he’s 47. Which, as it happens, is my age. And as it happens my daughter will turn 17 this month, so she’s within a year of your age.
I’ll just concede right off that your guy is a ‘young’ 47, so he’s way less tired, less cynical, less everything than I am. Still, he and I have been around the block. I remember being 17 – probably more vividly than I remember 25 or 40 or whatever. Those were amazing days. Way more amazing than today, by the way. Today there’s the weight of a lot of years of learning, of loss, of accomplishment, of disappointment, of all sorts of things.
Hon, you will definitely tell us that you’re mature for your age. And you may very well be. However mature you are, there is simply nothing that can take the place of slogging through another 30 years on this planet. The gulf between 17 and 47, in terms of life experience, is frankly indescribable. I only say that because I remember 17 and I’m living 47.
I’m surrounded by 17 year olds in my home. Some of them are wonderful, lots of them blow me away with new insights that are great and challenge me. But honestly, a romantic relationship with one of them? It would be a pathetic attempt to recapture a lost time in my life. Their outlook on life is all sorts of wonderful, but it doesn’t mesh with 30 extra years of experience.
I don’t know what you want from this relationship. But if you’re looking for something long term, I just don’t see it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Make sure you do not make a move on this guy until you turn 18, as you are ILLEGAL as a minor and can get him thrown in jail.
Also, be EXTREMELY careful with anyone you meet online, especially a guy who is a lot older. If you meet him, do not meet him alone, and do it in a public place. You don't know anything about this guy, and the internet is notorious for sex predators and deception.
You absolutely need to tell your parents before you decide to meet the guy. It's dangerous and risky if you do not. Ask yourself - what does a 47 year old guy want with me? It's a completely different generation.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (3 June 2010):
 There's a reason your parents wouldn't approve; the whole thing doesn't sound like a good idea. In my experience, men of that age who are not only interested but pursuing women that much younger than them are usually only looking for one thing, and I'm sure you can guess what that is.
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