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female
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anonymous
writes: I had a first date with a guy I just met - we like each other and we have great chemistry. However I'm a 26 yr old virgin and he's not; he's said that sex is an important part of a relationship for him and would expect it if we dated. He has also said that although he is looking for a long term thing, he cannot say it will be with me or someone else. I realize that being intimate is important, and that there are no guarantees on how relatnshps will work out[I've had bad luck]. I am interested in this guy but I'm just wondering if this is how it works today? Is it the same with all men? I always believed that being with someone should mean more than just sex.. am I too old fashioned?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): I think him saying that sex is an important part of a relationship, and that he is even doubtful whether or not he sees you as his long term partner raises big doubts about whether this man is suitable for you. I think it's good that he's been open and honest to you, but don't let his openness about it make you question your own morals. Of course all men are not like this, and if any thing there should be far more women like you around. I think a relationship will mean *much* more to you if you hold out for someone who shares the same views about these matters; just my opinion though!
Peter
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! I'm glad to know there is hope! :))
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reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 July 2006):
 If he is giving you the 'put out or get out' line then you should leave - it is not a question of being modern/ old fashioned, it is merely a matter of self respect. Not all men are like this, and a man that is really into you would wait until you were ready and happy for sex. Sex is a component in a relationship but friendship and mutual interests outside the bedroom are more important for long term relationship success. Don't feel under pressure to sleep with him as he may lose interest after he gets what he wants and move on elsewhere anyway leaving you feeling bad. If any man pressurises you for anything (money, sex, control...) then it is a bad sign for emotional manipulation and you need to find someone who sees you as an equal part in the relationship and not just a person to be meeting his personal needs.
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reader, juttandmeff +, writes (23 July 2006):
Even if it works like he says, its a bit of a rush after a first date. While his point about how things will turn out, and whether you are 'the one' are valid in so far as they go, it does seem unreasonable to expect you to ditch your beliefs after you've been out once and jump into the sack with him. If he was 'the one' for you, don't you think he'd show more respect for your body, your virginity and your beliefs, however good the chemistry may have been on the first date? I'd say stick to your beliefs, and perhaps re-evaluate the situation after, say, 10 dates, or 2 months, or some benchmark period of time, unless it 'feels right' before then. Hey, relationships aren't just about sex, but all the other stuff that goes with it. If he's not prepared to wait until you feel ready, then you shouldn't feel pressured into it. I should say that I write this as someone who has had sex with a quite large number of partners, and I'm not bothered by the idea of casual sex. However, if I met someone who was still a virgin, and who wanted to wait, then if I had even the slightest thought that she was 'the one' for me, then I'd happily wait until she was ready. Whatever you decide, I hope you decide on an answer that's right for you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): Let's say it DOES work like that today, you still do not have to conform to it. Now I can tell u that it may seem like that today, but first and foremost, if you feel that you don't want to do it, and/or if you feel that you wish to wait for the special someone to come along and possibly get married to, then good for you. Stay with your beliefs.
This guy doesn't sound geniune, nor does he sound mature. I won't tell u what I think you should do, but I think your thoughts on being 'old fashion' is a good trait. Stick with it. 8]
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