A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This might get kind of long, so sorry in advance, but I don't know where else to turn. My best friend is dating a guy that all of her friends absolutely HATE. I know that sounds harsh, but she is unhappy 95% of the time. He's controlling and will not let her hang out with her friends. He lives 2 hours away and has shown up 3 times at her job uninvited and waiting in the parking lot for her to get off work. If she goes out, he follows her, or STALKS her I should say. He copied all of her friends phone numbers and put them into his phone and has been calling me (and her other friends) from a private number. He even admitted it was him when I confronted him about it, demanding to know why he even has my number, but he wouldn't give me an answer. I've met him twice, he has no reason to even have my number or be calling me. My friend has told me several times he is abusive both verbally and physically. they have broken up several times but she just keeps running back to him. He always puts her down and says she's immature because of her age. (she's 21 and he's 35). One of the two times I met him, he did nothing but put her down. I'm not sure what to do because I'm sick and tired of dealing with it and I will not be stalked by some creep. Would it be horrible to just cut her off? All of her friends have tried so many times to get her to just leave him, but she won't listen to anyone. To be honest I am sick of the drama, but I still worry about her. It makes us all so angry that she just keeps going back to him, and the same thing always happens. I know she is insecure, but there comes a point where we are all just fed up and feel like there's nothing else we can do. Any advice on this would be GREATLY appreciated.
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best friend, immature, insecure, stalking Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 It is not advisable to issue that ultimatum. You are only a friend. It is better to just avoid her because some day in the future, who knows ,you may need her help.
You have given her all the help , support and advises and that's all you can do.
She will have to decide what she wants to do .If she has chosen that particular road, there is nothing anymore one can do about her. She will dig her own grave and will lie in it.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Yeah, cut her out.
People in bad situations they keep themselves in, abusive relationships, addicts, are often said to need to hit rock bottom before they can scrape themselves together.
But rock bottom is just that. It means no more friends, no more money, nothing left to fall back on. Abusive partners like this often work to isolate their victim and it seems natural to want to stop this. But he has no real control over her, she can leave anytime she wants it is not like an abused child after all, only the control she gives him.
And there is a lot going on for her:
The control of being controlled, when he hits her, she thinks she is in control when she forgives him.
The drama, a lot of people feeling sorry for her.
The conflict, nobody understand him/us. Us two against the world.
The denial, he can't be all that bad because else I would have made a really bad choice.
She needs to figure all this and more out on her own. As you said, if you attack the relationship, she fights for it. So don't. Don't give her any extra reasons to defend him, to defend her being with him.
Even just giving her a place to vent her frustrations fuels the relationship. Women LOVE to complain, by talking endlessly about it she is in fact not DEALING with it. Women tend to do that, talk rather then act. Give her no more outlets, when she is all alone then she has nobody left to justify the relationship to but herself and that is a lot harder. Hopefully one day she sees the relationship for what it is, but don't get your hopes up.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 June 2010):
I'm afraid I agree that you need to cut her out. There is nothing on earth that could change her way of thinking. And if he's dragging you into it, then you have your excuse. Just tell her that he has given out your number and that since he's violent and unsafe, you can't be around anymore. Maybe it will kick her into gear, maybe it won't. But you need to get away partially for her sake, but more for your own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response. I've tried giving her advice over and over and it ends up falling on deaf ears. She complains constantly about him, but the second one of her friends say something bad about him, she gets offended. He kept trying to contact me, saying he "needed to make things right with her friends" and I bluntly told him I wanted nothing to do with him and I didn't want to be his friend. That's one reason he won't let her hang out with her friends, because he says all we do is trash talk him. I hate to see her keep hurting herself and I don't think I can stand around and watch it much longer.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2010):
 I totally understand how you feel, and yes, you do need to cut out the toxicity.
Rather than tell your friend that it's over, tell her that you need to get away from the drama, and that while he is in her life and stalking you, you need to take a break and not communicate with her. Tell her you will always care for her, and if she leaves him for good, tell her you'll be there for her. But you are too uncomfortable around him, and can't continue to hang out with her while he's in her life.
The object is to not end the friendship, just put it on hold and reassure her that she has you as support, but not until he is permanently gone. As for how you feel about being stalked, don't hold back on how you feel his actions are making you feel.
As for this guy himself, just because your friend lets herself be abused by him doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If he continues to harass you, call the police, document every occurrance, and if it continues, have him arrested and a restraining order issued for no contact.
There's a very small possibility that such extreme action by you might finally open your friend's eyes as to who this guy really is.
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