A
female
age
36-40,
*andt
writes:I am 25, my boyfriend 27. We've known each other 20 months, lived together 10 months.Recently he has been very depressed - unhappy in his job and feeling, in his own words, he lives "a hollow existence". Both his birthday and the death of one of my very good friends seem to have stirred up issues he has simmering under the surface for. He feels he is old and like he hasn't accomplished anything in his life.He works 3 weekends out of 4 and every single weekend he has off we go and see his friends that live about 80 miles away and we stay all weekend. We haven't had a weekend together on our own since March. We are going away on a 12 day holiday next week with 7 of his friends and my best friend who is seeing his best friend.I feel like we never have any quality time together on our own. I like his friends, but this is really ruining our relationship. The only holiday (to Barbados) we are having next year will be with his friends for one of their weddings. I can't see an end to this situation where he is withdrawn after work and never suggests anything to do as a couple. I have been unemployed for 3 months but will start a new job after our holiday. He is trying to look for another job but the only thing he knows is sales and working in retail, so the working pattern is unlikely to change even if he does find another job.I love him very much and would love to be with him for a very long time, but I am unhappy. The lack of nice quality time together coupled with his ridiculously low sex drive leave me wondering whether I should stick it out and look forward to us having more control over our time together, or move on and be unhappy without him.Everytime I try and talk about this he tells me he needs time on his own and that I should just stop talking because I'm "getting myself wound up". He has agreed we need to do more things as a couple but makes no suggestions or puts any effort in.Can anyone suggest how I deal with this situation?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 Hi,
I agree with some of the other posters here. But I have to say this is a situation where he's unhappy with himself.
He needs to try and focus on finding a little bit of happiness inside himself, and you need to focus on weaning him off of all of his friends joint activities.
As far as the time issue goes I think both of you need to make time to be together.
Here's a few suggestions.
First of all if you have time at night and otherwise together, I think you need to address the issue of intimacy with him. Now this doesn't have to be outright sex. Just be with him. Sit next to him even if he's depressed.
I think what he's going through is a depression of some sorts because he's wondering if his working life has any meaning. But this should never pollute your relationship.
The way to get around that is to try some physical intimacy exercises. Touching each other, being gentle. Look at each other. Try and distract him away from his self-absorbed problems and focus on the two of you as a couple. Tell him you want to help him. Hug him, kiss him, do whatever you can to make him feel you're close and ready and you're paying attention to him.
He's in the dumps right now. He has no idea how badly he's neglecting you. Making him feel appreciated even if he is upset, helps. Right now he's just weaker than you. So you have to work on opening him up and bringing him physically and emotionally closer to you that's all.
Second, he should cancel these "joint" holidays with all of his friends. Once a year is fine. But every other weekend and then every possible holiday in the calendar is not appropriate.
Couples need to make the time to spend with each other together. You can't have intimacy if you're constantly being barged into by friends who are basically interloping in and trampling on your privacy.
Its great to have friends, but they need to back off and he needs to get closer to you emotionally and physically.
Finally, try making deeper emotional connections to him. Believe it or not, if you can get him to trust you some more, and open up a little bit more to you, he will spend more time trying to satisfy your needs too.
Its a two way street and I know you're doing most of the work at the moment. But if he tries to pull out of his "old man" shell a little bit, he'd be surprised.
From what you've written, you are deeply and emotionally committed to him and he is indeed so very fortunate to have a patient and loving woman right there in front of him.
That's all he needs to see and he'll start snapping out of it.
Less self-absorption and more sharing is what you need to get out of him, that's all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Maybe he does not know how, sometimes these things need to be learned. ( i needed to learn) .. so you start not by asking but doing, like... Were going to the movies and then dinner. He may indeed need more time on his own, we all do. But he also needs to make time for you and your life.. it cannot continue to revolve around him and his life... and while your at it... maybe take some time to be with you... let him go to HIS friends house.. you say you guys go there every weekend he has off. Thats BS... so you make plans for a weekend just the two of you... if he says well we have plans at my friends house, stick to your guns. Tell him, I wanted to spend time with you and I understand you want to go to your friends house and hang out.. so If you want to go, then by all means go. But I am going to go do this. This may help in two ways... either he comes with you and you get to spend time... or he goes and does his thing and you go do yours ..he gets the time he needs and so do you. But also it gives you guys a chance to miss each other.
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): You are in a tough situation. He is a man and feels less than that because he can not wine and dine you like he may wants to. Do you suggest things like picnics,hikes, biking or fishing? These activities don't require much money but they still allow the both of you to spend quality time together.
Have you tried to encourage him to take up a trade? Many of those schools only require 12-24 months of attendance and would change the quality of his life forever.
Most importantly, ask him how he feels about you and the longevity of your relationship. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way that you do about him. If he does start looking for ways to build him up. You could also set other goals for your future together like saving for your a home. If he doesn't don't waste anymore of your time dreaming....LEAVE.
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