A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've heard this over and over again... That the reason I can't find a girlfriend is because I'm looking for one, and that as soon as I stop looking, I'll suddenly end up in a relationship. "Happens when you least expect it," "I found my partner when I stopped looking" etc. etc.But this statement makes absolutely no sense to me. I've been trying everything to find a girlfriend.... Online dating, volunteering, taking classes, trying to get out to singles' events, and I STILL haven't met someone. (Only women who are interested in being friends... Great lot of good that does me.) If I were to STOP doing those things, how in the world would I ever meet anyone?? If I ever got over this need for a relationship, I'd probably never do any of those things... I don't enjoy the singles events, I have a rather inclusive group of friends I am happy with, and my hobbies are rather independent (aka, not group activities.)How in the world would I meet someone hanging out with the same group of people and doing the same non-social things I always do? Answer: I wouldn't, and that's why the statement "Oh just stop trying and you'll find someone" makes no sense to me. Can someone explain how exactly it's supposed to work? (And if you feel like it, why I'm failing so spectacularly at finding someone?) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 March 2012):
 DESPARATE guys NEVER find girlfriends....
You must STOP looking for a life partner.... and then (and ONLY THEN) are you likely to find a partner....
I believe that you may have fallen in to that trap of BELIevING that you "stopped looking for a G/F".... but, in fact you really WERE "looking for a G/F"....
The only way to REALLY be sure that you aren't "looking for a G/F".... is to COMPLETELY capitulate that you DONT HAVE A CHANCE WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN.... and this is evidenced by your ma**urbating every night..... and/or several times a day..... and then - and ONLY then - will you encounter that girl who is delightful and will turn your life around....
Try it... I GUARANTEE that it will work!!!!
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (11 March 2012):
 When you are frantically doing everything that you are doing to meet someone and putting so much importance on having a partner for you happiness isn't a good thing and women will think you are too desperate.
You need to relax and learn to be happy and content with yourself, when people sense that you are at peace with who you are and comfortable with yourself, then everything will fall into place.
Learn to be an island and not so co-dependent. It's nice to have someone to share your life with and to share moments with, but let them come to you.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (11 March 2012):
I agree. I hate that expression too. But here's what it means to me.
Just do what you would do naturally and somewhere along the line your path will naturally cross with someone else. For example, my friend never did online dating but loved going to the beach all summer. Even alone. One night - Her now husband just happened to come by the beach house we were renting to see his friend - who loves the beach and they meet! Both were doing what they loved for themselves and it just happened.
I met my current boyfriend going to a house party where I thought I would know everyone and never thought there would be anyone to date. In fact, I wasn't even dressed up. I just went for a beer and to catch up with the friends I see all the time. But one had invited a new friend tha they had just met. And there he was. :)
That night I wasn't "looking" and we barely spoke at the party because I was with my friends. He found me later on FB and asked me out. A month later when a few things had shifted in his life.
So stop forcing yourself to go to events or volunteer. As a woman we can pick up on the unhappy vibe. Do things that make you happy even if you think there are no women around. Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, zedd +, writes (11 March 2012):
I think it means that you have to get to know girls without thinking about getting into some kind of reltionship with them. Just talk to them casually and stuff. Don't expect more, just let it happen if it happens, if not, just go on. Meet new people for the sake of meeting new people so you won't stress about it and it will go easier.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (11 March 2012):
 That phrase means to not constantly look for a partner. If you're constantly looking, you'll look desperate and that's not good. If you just go about your life, hanging out with friends and having a good time, women find that desireable and attractive. In other words: don't try so hard!
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 If your going out and being social and your still attracting women, please take a look at what other things could be causing you problems.
Do you seem desperate and eager to please, so women don't respect you as a boyfriend but are glad to have you as a friend... then try to be more laid back and try to be a bit more selfish
Is your appearance attractive.. are you clothes modern or old fashioned. To you try to look good, or just wear a pair of old jeans and some running shoes.... fix yourself up, look in the men's magazines to see what kind of appearance is attractive to women
Being good looking is not necessary, I've seen very ugly guys get tons of women and dates. Being dramatically overweight may not be helpful, because of possible health issues and the prejudice that still exists in society... go gym, lots of girls hang out there.
Are you actually approaching women, or are you hiding and shy.. Women like to wait for the man to approach them, so swallow your pride/fear and go talk to them.
You could also try the "scattergun" approach, just ask every woman you see who is single, attractive and approachable if she'd like to go on a date with you. If you ask 1000 women, one will say yes. It also helps build up confidence, so your no longer worried about rejection, because you'll be used to women turning you down often.
Are you putting yourself in the "friend zone", your trying so hard to please and not to offend, that you never show any romantic or sexual interest in women... Check the internet for tips on flirting.
I don't mean to offend, my ideas might be things that don't apply to you, but I think you should maybe consider what kind of message your sending out when you approach women.
EXTREME TIP
There is on the internet some guides on seduction.. usually called "get any woman you want" or something like that. They use a form of manipulation, and use lessons from psychology. They can help you gain more confidence, but I don't like them much, they are very dangerous, because they make you arrogant and they end up making you a nasty and selfish person, who no longer is interested in girlfriends, but wants to use and hurt women.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 I've never interpreted that expression that way. I think its more to do with you simply enjoying your life and when you're doing that- people can't help but want a piece of that and be drawn to you.
Meeting people and putting yourself out there- obviously important, but putting so much importance and pressure on having a partner... meh, you shouldn't need a partner to enjoy your life... I think women are really good at picking up that vibe from guys... unfortunately.
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