A
female
age
41-50,
*lipp
writes:HiSo I am after some opinions as to whether I am over analysing things and being silly or if I am right to feel upset.I am new to this site and so am expecting there may be some readers who will judge me pretty harshly but that's ok, maybe I deserve it. I'm not sure, that's the whole point. So, long story short:My boyfriend and I (both in our 30s) have been together for over three years and known each other for about five years or so. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he does too.Very recently my boyfriends father became very unwell and was at home expected to pass away within days. My boyfriend and his daughter drove the three hours to be with the family and it turns out my boyfriends ex wife also decided to drive the three hours to pay her respects and say her final farewell. My boyfriends father didn't die that day, so the ex wife stayed overnight in the same house as my boyfriend, their daughter, my boyfriends parents, brother and sister.Now, I understood that the ex wife wanted to say a final goodbye and support her daughter but the following day, it appeared my boyfriends dad would probably pass away that day.It turns out my boyfriend, and his family AND his ex wife all sat around for hours telling stories while my boyfriends father passed away.Now all my boyfriend has ever said about his ex wife is negative and he has told me on many occasions that his family dislikes the ex wife. I am wondering why she was allowed to be there at the end for my boyfriends fathers last breath. My boyfriend wanted me to come but obviously I was uncomfortable staying under the same roof as his ex. He said he was very uncomfortable having her there. I told him I might be there for the funeral until he told me the ex would be staying with the family again. I asked if I am supposed to put myself up in a hotel and he even offered to pay!! Why would I not be welcome in the family home?I'm not even writing everything here.I just think it is odd of the ex wife to force herself on the family at the very last moments of my boyfriends fathers life. Should my boyfriend have told her to leave because he wanted me there?I hate that I am making this about me. The thing is, only days before his father became ill, my boyfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up, but my boyfriend didn't want to.It's a big mess.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): Thanks Honeypie. I have never thought of it as though my boyfriend might like his ex wife better than me. It has never been about this. My boyfriend has cheated and lied to me in the past and has said some horrible things about my parenting and my daughter. I have forgiven him for all that. Yes it is sad he has lost his father but that doesnt take away how awful he was to me only days before his dad died. I was very supportive by phone to him while he was away while all the while still being angry at him.Knowing how fragile our relationship was, I think he should have respected my initial feeling which was not to go as I would feel like a fake bring there to support him when all I really had on my mind was whether or not I should even be with this man.Well I made enquiries and found a way to get the bus there and back and found accommodation also. I contacted my boyfriend and told him my plan. He said my idea was crazy and sounded like a lot of messing around. I don't believe he wants me there. In the same breathe he said I should do whatevee it takes to be there for him! It makes no sense. So I have told him I won't go and have left it at that.Again I do appreciate all your help but I don't believe he genuinely wants me there
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 As another woman who has to deal with an ex-wife, DO NOT feel like it's a competition. and NO NOT make this about other issues towards the ex-wife. This is NOT about who your BF likes best or which child he pays more attention to. YOU are MAKING it about that.
If you don't want to be there because of HER, then don't. THAT is your choice. Trust me your BF & family would FIND a way to make room for you and your daughter if they needed to.
HIS family and HE have buried the hatchet (with the ex wife)over the mourning and sorrow for someone dying, it's that simple.
Focus on your BF, his dad and THAT is it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 The ex wife is the mother of the deceased man's granddaughter. It's normal that the deceased man's granddaughter would be there, with her dad, to pay her respects and it's normal that her mother ( the ex wife ) would be there to support the kid, and to pay her respects to a family she once was part of also legally and officially.
That's from a formal point of view. In practice, I think the family was too sad, distraught and busy with more pressing matters to think or care who should sleep where and why. Who was there already got to stay there, that's all.
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A
female
reader, Flipp +, writes (26 May 2014):
Flipp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, Thank you for your honest answers. I can see where you are all coming from and please understand, I do realise my boyfriend losing his father must come first.The relationship between the ex wife and my boyfriends entire family has never been a nice one and has only involved the occasional phone call since their marriage ended over 8 years ago. My boyfriend has led me to believe that his ex is nasty, even psychotic at times and that his parents never liked her and think she is a bad mother. My boyfriend told me he was very awkward and uncomfortable having her in the house and was very relieved when she was gone.My boyfriends family are good people so probably didn't feel they could ask her to leave even if they wanted to.My anger is more at the ex wife as she wasn't asked to stay, she told them she would after saying she would only stay the one night. There would not have been anywhere for me and my daughter to sleep had I gone to support my daughter. If I had the money I would have put us up in a hotel.I understand very well about death and dying given my career so My intention is not to cause trouble within my relationship. The problems we are currently having are as a result of his inability to bond with my daughter, something he is aware of and acknowledges his shortfalls in. I am already feeling as though he doesn't love my daughter when I have been very loving and affectionate towards his daughter so much so that she wishes she could live with us and not her mother. My boyfriends daughter is always telling her grandparents about the cruel things her mother (the ex wife) does etc. I have been told this by my boyfriend and his family and my step daughter herself.Maybe I am letting these issues get in the way of my judgement. I do know that it would be very awkward for everyone involved having the girlfriend and the ex wife staying under the same roof and that is something people don't need either. I have to say here also that I have not met the ex wife but have been looking forward to meeting her.My boyfriends daughter lives one week with him, then one week with her mother and so on. It isn't the situation where she lives with Mum all the time. I suppose if my boyfriend hd told me how lovely his ex was and I knew she was like by the family, my feelings may be different but all I have heard is negative things, not one positive thing. I just don't like the idea of showing up now when the ex shared such an important moment in the passing of my boyfriends father.It is quite funny that the people I have spoken to here that know my boyfriend and the full situation, like my family and our friends, some of whom know the ex, have all agreed with me that as the current girlfriend, I should have at least been invited to stay at the family house. I guess without knowing the whole story it is hard to given a full opinion. I do appreciate everything everyone has written. I have decided not to attend the funeral as there is no room in the house for my daughter and I to stay and I can't afford to pay for a hotel in the area, especially given how pricey it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Although I understand why you feel odd about this, you must remember that 'she' is the mother of a child who happens to be the grandchild of the man who was dying, this automatically remains a family bond. Your boyfriend would have had nothing on his mind but the death of his father and Yes they all have memories, that will have been shared (for the Fathers benefit)not any romantic nostalgia.
You could have forgot your uncomfortable feelings and stayed in the same house to support your partner and who knows even make friends with his x. After all one day her child will one day be your step child, good to build bridges now.
I have my partners grown children stay with us and their mother once booked into a B&B near by to be with new grandchild. My partner felt this was not right and I actually felt it was not right either, we had plenty room for her, she did'nt need to sit alone. She is the mother of his children and I always respect that, we got on really well after this and of course this felt a little strange for me at first but I am glad I stepped over that uncomfortable feeling and felt fine. She gave me a lovely plant as she left and I understood how my partner had loved her once but we all turn to our next chapters in life.
Please go to the funeral and try to forget your anxiety and be your boyfriends girlfriend. Don't expect her to go to a hotel (forget your feelings)this is not the time to worry about loyalty it's to celebrate your partners fathers life.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 May 2014):
A terminal illness is not a fun thing for anybody. This is not a pleasure visit. Their child is losing her grandpa, and any good mother would care about this. You are complicating an already horrible situation over nothing more than insecurity.
Please, for the love of god stop it. Support your husband. Go, stay at the house, and be kind to everyone including the ex. It is the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2014):
I think it kind of make sense that SHE was there and not YOU.
My guess is (and I can only guess because you didn't add any information about that) they were married for a good while and his family KNEW her, not only as the DIL but the mom of their granddaughter.
You were also on the verge of breaking up so that might also have been part of why you might not have been "needed" there - I mean who wants that drama at a funeral?
Another thing is, she didn't JUST show up and say:" Hey I'm staying here!" My guess (again can only guess) was that your BF's mom told her she could stay at the house with the daughter. So in a sense she was INVITED. She didn't FORCE herself on these people.
Now you could have been there. You could have sucked up that the ex-wife was there. I think you sort of expected that they should turn her out and make HER stay at the hotel, but in all honestly why? She KNEW his father, you (again guessing from what you write) didn't have a bond with the family like she does. YOU BF didn't WANT to stay at a hotel because he WANTED to be there for his dad 24/7 and I don't blame him.
Some people are quite able to be civil when it comes to dying, death and funerals. I think that is what your BF, his family and his EX did.
I know that my husband's ex-wife would probably show up if something happened to my FIL. And I would be cordial. And I can't stand that cow.
I KNOW this is a weird situation. Because even though you have been with him for 3 years, it can be hard to remember that he DID have a life before you.
He didn't GO so spend time with his ex-wife. I think you need to remember that. And the fact that your BF has enough tact to behave CIVIL towards his ex-wife says a lot about him.
I would not make a bigger deal out of this then it is. I would make a bigger deal out of supporting your BF who JUST lost his dad. THAT should be your focus - NOT that the EX-wife was there.
Don't beat yourself up for not liking an awkward situation. But think a little from everyone's point of view not just yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This post is very interesting as it directly relates to my experience. My husband's mother died and at the funeral the mother of one of my husband's children was there and also an ex who had made a pain of herself in every way just before the funeral with ringing and making suggestive comments to my husband. Because of her behaviour I asked my husband to ban her from the funeral because I did not want to meet her or be in the same place as her. This was a very large east end funeral. It never crossed my mind that this would be an issue but to my horror my husband told me that 'all were welcome' and that she was coming. I found this behaviour different to what I knew because when my own mother died people who she did not like or had a grievance against were banned from coming or not asked at all. Anyway the day came and I was treated terribly for making a fuss and for making the day about me. Apparently I was classed as 'showing off'.The atmosphere was nasty and I was virtually excluded and ignored. Going forward I found his decision impossible to accept as in my mind he chose his ex over me, as it mattered more to him that she came than not upsetting me. 3 years later we are still at loggerheads over this issue and my husband hates me for making a fuss over this. The intelligent thing for me would have been to realise that they were all going, know I couldn't handle it and to have stayed at home. My reason fot relating this story to you is to tell you to be careful here as this incident destroyed my marriage. I personally would not want to be near the ex wife or in the same place as her either but be really careful not to exclude yourself so far that you can't go back. Intelligent aunts and uncles here will say go with him and it is only one day and he will need your support etc but it can be very very hard to provide that if you feel uncomfortable. You might find staying in the hotel a godsend as it will give you a bit of me time and peace and quiet. Your b/f only took you up on it and offered to pay as he has too much else to think about and doesn't want any trouble. He thought you were ok with the idea because you brought it up. He is not thinking clearly at the moment and is unable to process any hidden meanings in what you say.I brought trouble to my husband by behaving the way I did so if you want to keep your b/f be careful how you act at a time like this, be well behaved , quiet, supportive and make no fuss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): I agree with Mark1978. When someone is dying, the priorities go to the one who is passing and the close family members. I believe that if you had of been there, possibly the ex would have stayed in a hotel, but since you weren't there, it probably seemed ok for her to stay in the home. If my ex father-in-law was to be very unwell and expect to die, I would want my sons to be there if possible, and it would take at least 5 hrs for us to get there. It is possible, out of courtesy, I would be invited to stay in the home too, because I get on well with my ex in-laws, especially since they are fantastic grandparents to my children.
If my ex husband was there with his gf/wife, I would be very polite towards her, and there would be no room for anything other than taking care of the father-in-law and his wife and my sons. I would be civil to my ex-husband, and I expect we could have a few stories to tell. It would be all about the man dying. Grief and sorrowful times change the dynamics of everything, for a short time.
I totally understand how excluded and hurt you must feel, I also think you should go immediately to be with your bf. The death of a parent is the time you need to support your partner. It may be uncomfortable with his ex wife around, but you have to be bigger than that, and ignore those feelings just for the time being.
I would suggest you don't stay in a hotel, and you stay with your bf. If he wants to stay in a hotel with you, that is ok. His ex-wife has to be grown up too, and put her feelings about you aside at this time.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 The ex wife didn't force herself on the family. She came to pay her respects and to allow their young daughter to do the same. They might not like much about her, but I think everyone behaved appropriately here. To turf her out would have been in extremely poor taste.
The father passing is a reminder to us all that life is finite and can end for any of us at any time. That puts past grievances into perspective.
Your boyfriend's offer to pay for a hotel room for you is not an indication that you're unwelcome, but simply an attempt to help you feel more comfortable.
Understand that though he and his ex are no longer together, she was and in a sense always will be family. She's not someone he just dated. They have a child together. That's not a dig at you. She isn't some ex girlfriend who won't go away.
I think it speaks to their characters that they can remain cordial with one another and set aside past wrongs at a time like this. There's nothing in what you've written here that should pose a threat to your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (25 May 2014):
You are over reacting. The ex was apart of that family and in the support of a loved one dying it is nice to have all to comfort each other.
Your boyfriend wanted you to come....YOU were uncomfortable. He wanted you at his side you chose not to be there.
If you do not go to the funeral over your petty jealousy it will be your lose. Even if you were breaking up. You loved this guy and he loves his father. He needs a friend's support.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 I think you are over reacting.
Your boyfriends Ex was present at the end of your boyfriends fathers life because her daughter (who your boyfriend fathered) was about to loose her granddad. She may have been close to, or at least cared about, the sick father and wanted to pay her respects and say good bye. I don't think her presence was in anyway wrong or insensitive as she may have felt that her daughter would need her support having lost, or about to loose, her grandfather.
If your boyfriends father didn't die the same day, it would seem rude for the family to turf her out and equally she may have felt obliged to stay to the end out of fear she may have been seen as making a token effort.
At funerals/passings we all tend to be more respectful and accommodating. I appreciate that your boyfriend and the family may have been very friendly and civil to his ex and slept under the same roof but this was a sad, emotional situation, not a party. It was not the time nor the place for being rude or having arguments.
Your boyfriend didn't bar you from attending, you said you didn't want to go because you don't like his ex. So its not like he spent time with his ex wife without wanting you present. Why were you not allowed to attend the funeral or home while his ex was? Because of the fear of you and her arguing and making problems when it would be completely inappropriate in that setting.
Mark
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): It's perfectly normal to have a mix of feelings whenever an ex is involved. That being said, from an outside point of view; the ex WIFE went because she was an ex WIFE. That doesn't mean your boyfriend wants her there and not you. In fact, he stated that he was uncomfortable with her there. However, he has a daughter with this woman. He can't say, "Sweetie. I'm kicking your mother out so my GIRLFRIEND can stay with us here." I'm sure with everything the family is going through; the last thing they want to worry about is all the drama that comes with having an ex wife and current girlfriend under the same roof.
You also mentioned that he wanted you there; but you stated you felt uncomfortable under the same roof. Well, don't say you want to go to a hotel, then get mad when he offers to pay. Men seek out the easiest solutions. And his father is passing away. You can't expect him to be overly concerned with making sure your feelings are paramount in this situation.
Finally, you said you were about to break up a few days before. But he didn't want to. That tends to show that you were the one who wanted to break up? If my father was passing away; I wouldn't much care to worry about anyone else but my immediate family. Especially a GIRLFRIEND who wanted to break up with me just a few days ago.
Food for thought
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