A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want a baby and I am dating a guy who is 7 years younger than me, i'm nearly 39 and he is just approaching 32 and we have been on and off for over a year but it was just sex that turned into something more but only the last 2 months we have been very steady spending every weekend together in either his home or mine, and I see him once or twice in the week too. He is just starting a new job and has money issues right now with a mortgage to pay (like the rest of the world) We are very much into each other and the sex is great but we live for now and dont talk about the future too much because I dont want to scare him or pressure him. However I am worried for my 'time' issue as I want a baby and once I told him but he said he's not ready yet cuz of his job/money issues and now i am going to have to gamble on this that he will eventually want a baby with me. I have not met any other guy that I could have a baby with or spend the rest of my life with. Now is a gamble, I either stay with it and hope for the best as we are really good together right now, or in a few months I ask him again or have another conversation about it. Approaching 39 i think i should spend another 3 months on this max and then get down to the reality of the situation, because I have my needs and sadly cannot wait for him to be 'ready' for this. What do you think?
View related questions:
money, want a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): You're the one who came to this site for advice. If you already know your answers; then we could have used the time to help someone else. Good luck with your decision.
It takes judgement to provide advice and opinion. That's what the uncles and aunts are here for.
In correction of your comment regarding menopause. Perimenopause, or menopause transition usually starts in a woman's 40's; but can start in a woman's 30's or earlier.
You may confirm with your healthcare professional, or look it up.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 Don't wait around for 3 months. You've been in a relationship with this guy for over a year, at this point you shouldn't be holding back because you're worried about scaring him off. Tell him what you want, and if he still "isn't ready", leave and don't look back. I suspect he'll never be ready. If a 22-year-old guy says he isn't ready, fair enough, but at 32 a person should know whether s/he wants children or not.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love this man more than anything in the world and i think some of you are judgemental aunties or uncle if i.may say so. Thanks to the male reader who talked such miserable crap and ps menapause does not start til 55 like my mother did so please do not guve false information scaring other readers of this post. Thanks but i think i know the right thing to do i love him and he loves me back and hes worth the wait. u just helped me answer my own question :-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Setting time-tables and deadlines is a sign of aging. We feel we must meet certain set goals in our lives; or we'll miss certain opportunities that will never present themselves again. Parenting is a very serious decision.
It's the most wonderful thing and most terrible thing that will ever happen to you.
You are facing a common dilemma among young single-women
in their thirties, or early 40's approaching menopause.
When you're single, and see no immediate prospects. You feel you're missing out on marriage and starting a family; and not sure what to do.
You certainly can't force a man to start a family, based on your biological clock. You damned well best be certain you're emotionally-equipped for motherhood. It looks easier than it is. Some women have such a knack for it, they make it look effortless. Like absolutely nothing could go wrong. Well, there are many obstacles and challenges you won't know until YOU ARE a mom.
It's not all the lovely Hallmark-moments of standing in-front of a mirror admiring your baby-bulge. It includes vomiting, a stretching itchy belly, constant peeing, heartburn, gas, sensitive nipples,hormonal surges, and mood swings. Then the baby comes. Then I hear birth hurts like hell.
Once the baby is born. You may have stretch marks. The little pot-belly left behind. There could be a C-section scar. There is the loss of sleep, dirty diapers, colicky nights, fevers, and night-scares. So be ready! You will gain weight during pregnancy, you'll lose interest in sex, and he will seem like a insensitive monster who doesn't have a clue what you're going through. You will hate him for it.
Women get really frustrated and pressured when they look at what "other women have." Suddenly, it becomes an urgency in their lives to have it too. Envy works that way. Having a man in your life, is not just a means to an end. You need a sperm donor; so even if you don't really love him, you'll convince yourself somehow that you do. You are on a mission. Inviting other lives into yours. It has to be a naturally-occurring flow of events. Love, long-term relationship and/or marriage; then raising a family.
You have the time to think and plan. What do you want most?
A child, or a well-established loving relationship with the father of your child?
It's easy to make a split-decision. I'll just get a baby, and cross that bridge when I get to it. Well, men sometimes have a change of heart after relinquishing their paternal rights. That could become a legal challenge in the future. Especially, if he marries someone who can't bear children. You may fall on hard-luck financially as a single-mom, and/or he may not like your style of child-rearing.
Many women feel they are being held at the mercy of men to have relationships and start families. Excuse me!!! That is what nature intended. Children are supposed to be born between two people who love each other, and are willing to share the privilege and blessing of raising them together.
We have choices and we can take short-cuts. Sadly, what happens is we think in terms of what we want; and put the needs and best interest of a child next. You are ready to be a mother when you put the best interest of the child's needs before your own.
Then you will set the stage and create the environment that will offer a child a safe and loving environment; and all of his, or her, needs are met with as little effort as possible. That is the reality of it all.
Struggling alone can have adverse affects on the child's welfare, development, and adjustment into society. Being a working single-mother takes you away from their formative years. The bills have to be paid. So remember this when considering being a single-mother. You do what you have to, if these are the cards you're dealt. You are "forced" to make sacrifices.
Your mindset should be to have it all. Your attitude should be that you can. Your objective should be, to do everything within your power to get it.
It's sad to see young kids turning to crime under the pressure of their peers; because they feel deprived of things that other kids have, and their parents can afford.
They should not have such a sense of entitlement; but they are kids, and they don't really understand why the rent is more important than a new tablet or smartphone. Why they can't share time and loving moments with their biological father. The choice was made without their input. You may not need a husband or man to raise a kid; but the kid may have a totally different opinion. AND IT MATTERS!!!
Have a frank discussion with your partner about the fact you really are thinking of having a family. You feel that he may not be ready in that aspect. You must consider that your child-bearing years are limited; and you may be looking for something much more committed than he feels possible at this time in his life.
By thirty-two, a man should have accomplished most of the things he has set out to do, and he should be mature enough to settle-down. If he isn't ready by his 30's, he plans such things well into the future. So bear this in mind. If he has to recover from a past marriage or financial hardship; that's not your problem! Unless, you are willing to delay your own plans.
I don't think you should. I think you should continue on your journey to finding your happiness and fulfillment as a woman.
It would not be pressuring him; it would be the type of conversation couples must have to know where the relationship is going; and to be sure you're both on the same page. Some guys just come along for the ride, but put very little into a commitment. They want the love of a good woman, the readily available sex and companionship, cooked meals, a clean house, and knowing they have someone loyal and loving at their side. Yet, they are flaky; and don't want to give-up the option to cut free on a whim; or pass up a better prospect that could show-up out of the blue.
You have the power to decide what you want, and how you'll get it. If your present mate isn't ready, than reconsider putting your plans on hold for his sake. You have a right to be selfish, if you want it all. Love, marriage, and a family. Go for it.
Make yourself available to find someone on the same page, if you know for certain he is not.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 Men like him will never be "ready". He's 32, a full on adult who at that age perfectly well knows what he wants and doesn't want. Not being "ready" is just an excuse because he, mentally, doesn't feel ready. It's not about money, it's about him not wanting a kid.
If you are in a hurry to have a child (and I agree with you, you can't afford to throw away your time), then you need to tell it to him like it is and see what happens next. He's either in or out, because you don't have the time to sit and wait for him.
Then again, even if he says yes, are you sure this man is the one you want as a father to your child? Have you considered adoption, or artificial insemination? It will cost money, but that way you don't have to include a man in your life (and the life of your child) who is on and off and more or less just there for the sex.
If I was you, at your age, I would seriously consider just going solo on this baby project. Because you want a child, I can tell, but you don't actually sound sure if you want the man in question. So why not just skip the man and go right after the baby? Why would you need him, when sperm donors are available?
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (25 May 2014):
What a tough decision you have to make. You have to decide what is most important to you. Not once did you say you love this man and he is all you want.
I have two children and I have to say I was not prepared for them. I don't you really know what you are getting into until that child arrives. In saying that I am a professional with a mortgage and other bills to pay and I'm doing just fine. Children cost money. End of story.
You need to have that serious conversation with your boyfriend and tell him this is important to you. Only you know if he says no it's a deal breaker.
Good Luck!
...............................
|
