A
female
age
36-40,
*mh87
writes:my boyfriend and I have known each other for eight years. We were always great friends, even tried dating in the beginning of the relationship. At first, it never worked out. So we remain close friends, but we were always attracted to each other. The only problem was, either me or him were in a relationship. A year and a half ago we finally were both single. We started to talk and then were always together. There was a down fall though. He did not want him ex to know we were even talking, much less when we actually became official. I never had a problem with her in the past, until she began to text him a lot when she realize we were talking. The funny thing was, she actually broke up with him AND had a boyfriend already. So at first, I was not threaten until she felt that she had to speak to him EACH day, wether it was through text or email. After awhile it started to get to me. I asked nicely that they did not speak as much. Since he knew in my past as well that I have some what of trust issues. Actually, I do have BIG trust issues. He knew that from the start though. What started the trust issues between me and him though, was one day he called me. Told me he had to met up with her at a gas station so he can get a radio back from her that she had for awhile. Well, when they met up. His phone magically had problems for atleast a hour. Which later on, I caught on, he still wont admit it, but he uses the same excuse for his friends when he did not want to speak to them. So that was the start of it. Then she would text him, saying how she hasent heard from him today and how upset that made her, or that she had a dream about him. (Which cross the line) I finally put my foot down. I told her myself, how I felt disrespected and that she really needs to back off. Yet all she would tell me, is that I am not going to break up their friendship and she was sure of that. After awhile, I didn't hear anything else. Or I thought I didn't until my boyfriend got a text from her about her birthday party. I told him to text her back infront of me, since he had nothing to hide and tell her to stop. Well she text back asking if I was starting my crap up about them talking and if I knew that he texted her the other day about seeing a baby deer. Well, I finally called it a quits. He hide things behind my back. He said he would do anything to fix us. I told him HE needs to be the one to confront her. Not me and tell her how he felt. Which he did, but all I could hear on the phone is let me talk to HER! (meaning me) Well, some of her friends and my friends are mutual friends. Which we HAD a facebook. She would get on others to look at my facebook, talk about me. Saying how ugly I am and all these other hurtful things. I let her know, I knew she practically stalked me. That she was messed up in the head and needs to move on. She did not like that very well. After ALL that drama, everything seems to have smoothed out for awhile. She still tries to keep in contact with my boyfriend through his family. She is now best friends with his cousin who is 16 and she is 21... Kinda odd, because they have never spoken before until all of this has happen. What I need, is advice on what to do to build our trust back in our relationship. What I need to do about feeling secure. He has done a lot for me since all of this has happen. Yet, its been about 8 or 9 months since our last issue with her. Yet, I can not get over it. Is there ANY advice that I can get to help us?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): You caught your boyfriend on the rebound and he is still very much in love with his ex and does not have the room for you in his mind and heart. He's pining after her and she still has not let go of him so this is not a good situation for you to be in.
Had he not been fresh out of a relationship where he was dumped and left heartbroken, the two of you would probably not be together. He made a decision about you in a vulnerable state of mind and most likely to get back at his ex for dumping him. Had he remained single, he probably would not have the kind of attention he's getting from her now.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Listen to me. Shy is no excuse. Shy is never an excuse.
Your boyfriend exposed you to these attacks by not breaking contact with his ex. Shyness isn't what causes him to lie to you and keep contact with her. No way. In fact, he has you wrapped around his finger making excuses for him.
Seriously. Someone who's shy can be just as furious at someone who attacks the woman they love. Someone who's shy can still stand up for their woman. This isn't shyness. He's not over her.
Get it? She even said that she likes it when he chases after her. He's chasing after her. HE needs to purge her from his life is what he needs to do, but he still has feelings for her, and you're allowing it.
You cannot trust him. You're going to be caught between not trusting him and making excuses for him.
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A
female
reader, amh87 +, writes (21 September 2011):
amh87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally understand where ou are coming from. I guess there is also more to the story. His personality is VERY shy. He HATES confrontations and does his best to avoid them, which I am exact opposite. I am one who stands up and I will fight for what I believe in. He thinks ignoring it will go away, and in some situations they sometime go away, but not in this one.
Now he does take full blame on it as well. I have told him time and time again that I can not do this. Because physically and mentally this girl pretty much attacked me and in a way still trying. HER problem is that she has mental issues. He says and also friends says she is on meds because her mind is not right and she is looney. She even told someone that she knows she has a boyfriend but she enjoyed her ex chasing after her. She wanted her cake and eat it too. She has been known to break into his house, without him knowing and even when his parents where there to go up in his room and sneak around while he was at work.
I know it sounds like I am making up all these excuses for me to stay with him. Believe me, I am not the type that lingers around just for anybody, especially in this type of situation. I do love him and he is my best friend. Really, the only person who has been really there for me for many years. He was the one who told me my ex of three years was cheating on me.
I understand the easy way, is cutting all ties and just breaking up. If he did what he did, he did not love me. I guess I should have also explain his nature, he is a very shy guy... Who truly would not want to hurt ANYONE and now I think it has backfired.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2011):
Heh. There's no way you can build trust in this situation. I'm of the opinion that if you're in a committed relationship with someone, that you drop all contact with exes and people you've had romantic or sexual history with. Your boyfriend is responsible for all of this drama by staying in phone, text, and personal contact with his ex. Of COURSE you'll not be trusting! He's crossing a line in your relationship.The final nail in the coffin is for him to ALLOW his ex to stalk you and attack and bash you in public. And he STILL lets her stay in his life. I don't know about you, but if anyone started bashing my husband, I'd go ballistic. Why? I love him! If he truly loved you, her bashing you should make him furious and wanting to forcibly eject her from his life. No contact. No Facebook. No news. She'd be dead to him.The problem (and the source of all of the drama) is that he's not over her. And she's not over him. He's hedging his bets and has her in the wings. He's trying to gain "power" in your relationship by holding her over your head and allowing these attacks and his evasiveness and dishonesty.You should drop him. If he's not protecting you from her, and if he won't drop her and stop all contact, then it's already over. To drag it out any farther is masochistic on your part, and will only draw out the extreme pain in you.Better to drop him, shake off the dust of your feet, and find a guy who isn't still hung up on his ex.
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