A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I am so upset and confused. I really appreciate any and all advice that you guys offer me. This might be a bit long, but I will really appreciate it if you stick in there and help me out. Thanks ahead of time.I've been dating my boyfriend for four months. He is 21. I am 20. We met on a dating site and, after a few dates, we both disabled our profiles. We were really happy during the beginning of our relationship. We had fun together and did things. He was very loving and sweet. He told me I was his first true girlfriend and the first person he had really loved. I believed it because he was a virgin (obviously sexually inexperienced) and is a major nerd (but I usually really enjoy that in a person!). He was the first to say "I love you" and all that jazz. We ended up becoming physically intimate about two or so months into the relationship and I really loved him. He works a decent amount and, during the summer, when our relationship began, we typically saw one another once or twice a week. After a couple of months, I began to voice that I wished we could see each other just slightly more. I was empathetic to his working situation and asked diplomatically, but really desired to be with him more. I am not clingy. I don't require to see him everyday and I usually only text him once per day, if he hasn't already texted me, to see how his day is and just to tell him I love him. At first, he seemed to try to incorporate a bit more time for us, but that quickly dissipated. He was always very finicky about staying over very late. Usually, by 11 or so, he would say he was tired, had to be up early (9 or 10 am, which I don't find incredibly early), and should probably go. Considering he often wouldn't come over until late afternoon or evening and that was usually only one of a possible two days we might see one another, I would ask if he could maybe stay just a little later. Maybe another hour. Sometimes he would and we would continue to enjoy our time. He often would leave, though, and I would catch him up late on Xbox gaming or Netflixing. This really upset me as I felt he was blowing me off. But I just chalked it up to being new to dating someone and being a little immature. I tried to cope with it. Within the past month or so, he is very stubborn about his schedule and seeing me. His enthusiasm for our relationship seems to have dwindled. He only wants to see me on his watch, by his rules, and for the duration he picks. I, too, work and go to school. So, I find this frustrating and selfish, as it should be a schedule that accommodates both of us. Furthermore, as this relationship has went on, he has become less interested in my life and what I'm up to. I ask him about work and his classes. I take an interest in his interests, but he doesn't reciprocate much. It has made me wonder if he was perhaps straying from me, but one night he mistakenly left his phone at my house. Yes, I snooped... Sorry, I couldn't help it. There was absolutely nothing awry. His only messages were to me and from me. There were no contacts I didn't recognize. No foul play. He would also go through ups and downs. Some days he would be extremely loving, flirty, and affectionate. Then, a couple days later, back to moody and disinterested. He would continuously complain of work and being tired, but stay up until 2 AM playing games. It made no sense to me that someone would rather a game over a person. Despite his ups and downs, he would tell me always that he loved me and that I was best thing in his life. So, I felt he genuinely cared, but was just a bit of a gaming junky and a little immature. He has continuously become more and more selfish and stubborn, nevertheless, and is frankly the antithesis of who I began to date and who I fell in love with. His actions say one thing, but his words and shows of affection when we are together say something different. So confusing, but I have tried to put up with it and keep making excuses for him. However, after so much of this confusing mess, I couldn't take much more.So, I finally began voicing how it hurts my feelings and how I feel he blows me off for games and movies. We've legitimately fought about the issues of lack of interest and lack of spending time together about three times. The first two, he told me he was sorry and that he didn't realize that he was hurting my feelings. He would vow to work on it and not be selfish. However, this past time, I finally had had it, because it never stopped. He never worked on anything and he was continuously ego centric about everything. He never stopped his confusing games with me, saying he cares so much and then his actions saying something totally different. I was tired of being ditched for an Xbox and wanted to live a life where I went out, did things, and enjoyed myself--not vegetated on a couch like he prefers. We had our third fight Saturday night. He meanly threw up the fact that I don't work as much as him and thus shouldn't complain that I only see him once a week. We didn't speak until Monday night when I initiated and said I needed to speak to him. He came over and I basically sat and cried, detailing how every fight and action has made me feel. I told him it was ridiculous that I had to fight with him about wanting to spend more time with him because I loved him. I told him I was finished with this and, if he really cared and wanted us to work, that it was time for him to actually do the work. However, if he wanted out of this, to just tell me and we can officially just be done, even though I love him. He began crying, saying he just never has experienced a serious relationship before and never meant to hurt my feelings so much and make me feel so up and down and confused. He said he cared about me and loved me and that he was being selfish. He kept randomly saying, "I'm such a terrible person for this." as he cried. He said he didn't want our relationship to be done and that he needed work. I told him that his actions speak louder than words and that he needed to make the actions happen, until then I'm done. I said he would have to come to me when he was ready. He said that was fine and that he wanted to think about things. We then parted ways.That was yesterday. Today, I didn't hear from him. I honestly expected to, but I did not. Though disappointing, I did tell him to come to me when ready. So, no biggie. However, as I was waiting for my class to begin this afternoon, I had a random feeling of intuition come over me. Something told me to check the dating site we were apart of. I did, which meant re-enabling my account. I did and there I saw that his account was active again (when I began to suspect fowl play, I also checked and his account was gone. So, further made me believe something else was up and I tried to ask nicely if I was doing anything and he insisted no, that I was awesome to him and that he loved me). I clicked his profile. He was listed as single and he had been on the night before, literally 30 minutes before he came over to talk and cry. I immediately began to cry and felt so betrayed. Again, his actions contradicted his words. I texted him basically saying that I couldn't believe his profile was active, he was listed as single, and that he had been on right before he came to see me and sob his crocodile tears. I said thank you for breaking my heart. That was at 2:15. It is now 12:15 AM and I have heard absolutely nothing from him. I have no idea how to feel about this. I am angry and I am so sad. I loved him so much and now I feel like he was just playing me. I don't know how long his profile has been active, but nevertheless the "single" thing hurts, considering he sobbed that he wanted to work out so much.I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to just move on or if I should say anything more. I feel so confused. I never expected this from my geeky little sci-fi loving boyfriend who I just thought was a little immature and inexperienced. I guess my question is was/am I being played? What could possibly be going on in his head? Why would you consistently say you love someone and care so much, but continuously act otherwise? Why the hell is his dating site active and why would he cry to me that he wants it to work? Should I just move on? Should I just cut the tie between us? Thank you for reading. I appreciate your help so much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Hi,
If you really want to know? Have questions? Just call him, if he doesnt pick up, leave a message, or text, or Facebook, whatever you feel more comfortable, and ask nicely that you would like to talk to him. Tell him that you respect his decision, if he's not ready to date, or change his mind about you, but to please talk to you. Tell him that you don't have any intensions to fight, and that you would like to end in good terms, after all you haven't done anything wrong. Just tell him that you feel disrespected, and hurt. Tell him that you thought you guys were getting along well?
Hopefully he will agree to talk to you, and at least you won't be so confused. I know how you feel, you just need answers.
Good luck
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 He IS a cheater. Disloyalty and deceptiveness are in the intentions, going behind your back to the dating site while you two were still together IS a betrayal. If you sign up on a bridge site you want to play cards, and if you sign up on a dating site you want to date. Which is not a good intention for a guy who is already in a relationship.
But that 's not really the issue, the issue was that anyway it was not a sustainable relationship. In fact , it was not even that much of a relationship, it was he being his selfish stubborn self doing his thing and you tryng to fit in. Don't waste time on regrets. And use on moving on the energy that you are now using to guess why he did not change his status. The explanations offered by your friends are plausible, I'll add mine, which is, a lot of people does not like to work without a net, until in due time he has not secured himself another girl to put up with his dorky ways, he does not want to totally burn bridges
with you. But , nobody can know for sure what's in his head, and... it does not really matter. As for his personal belongings, wait for him to ask them back, it's only two days and nobody would accuse you of stealing . If you want to get rid of his mementos, though, you can make a parcel and send it to him by mail,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the advice. I read and appreciate it all! If anyone could, I'd love some further help.Please don't think I'm oblivious or in denial, but I really, really doubt that he is some sex crazy, woman using, cheater. I say that because I have encountered such a man from the online dating world and know that experience first hand. My current ex is such a dork. He barely could kiss when we started going out. I was never once pressured into anything sexual with the bf in question and I never felt that that was what he was after. He told me he was a virgin and his behavior really was consistent. He knew nothing of female anatomy or pleasure. I had to show him. He didn't know how to put on a condom and we had quite a few of those awkward, yet funny first time moments. I simply don't feel that was faked. But I am certainly open to the fact that he could have been dishonest about other things or still was looking around the site and emotionally cheating towards the end of everything. Okay, so to my actual issue now! There has been no contact from him in over 48 hours. I am not contacting him. I will not. I have decided that he is way too immature and whether he feels too scared or ashamed to approach me is no excuse for his silence. I deserve an apology and to know wtf is happening regardless. I can see through Facebook and Xbox that all he has been doing is sitting at home gaming and watching movies. So, there really is no excuse. I deserve to know how long he has been on the site and that he is over with the relationship. Maybe he is embarrassed anddoesnt know what to say, but that isnt my problem and he needs to grow up sometime! He just is selfish I think. I suspect no other girl, deep down after some reflection and thought though, because of previous snooping, feelings regarding our sexual life, the fact that I can see he is just at home gaming and what not, and the fact that he has an odd familial living arrangement which he invites no one, not even his own friends, to. That being said, I changed our Facebook status. I am single and took the liberty of terminating our relationship. However, on his page, he hasn't changed back to single yet and I'm wondering why? Just because I switched doesn't turn his to single. It only removes my name and keeps him as in a relationship. So wtf. My friend said he might be too embarrassed to talk to me or to change it in fear of having to tell his friends that i broke up with him or why I did. It's sort of a stupid thing to wonder, I know, but his silence is making my mind wander about in perplexity! Also, I have a game of his that I borrowed and a couple other things. Just wait til he asks for them, I assume? Or is that rude? But then again he ruined our relationship so why should I do him any favors?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 September 2011):
I disagree with Landomando not because what he says it's not a possibility- even if I strongly doubt it- but because , if it were so, you need him out of your life. He is not a kid and he is not YOUR kid. It's not your interest or responsibility potty - training him to have a proper, functional relationship between adults. Young, but adults. He royally screwed up, and it's not enough if, given time... ( time for what, to hook up with some other chick on the dating site ? ) he comes back saying " I 'm sowwy mommy, I wwow you so much ".
Love is an action, not a word. Love is what you DO, not what you say. There's a lot of people that says " I love you " without meaning it, just because it rolls off the tongue easily, and gets you off the hook when people is mad at you . Like : if I say I love you, then I can keep misbehaving and screwing up because, hey, I love you !
This was a short relationship, and it sort of worked just at the very beginning, various flaws started showing up real fast. It does not sound like you were meant to be, and it does not sound like , in the little time you have spent together, you have been really happy , fulfilled and respected. You'd be smart to cut your losses and move on , without shedding one more tear over this selfish brat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Hi, I believe Landormando. I also think he is immature, and you are far more mature and level headed than him!! Don;t give up on him just yet. He;s not used to these new feelings he;s getting for you. Just sit tight and see if he contacts you ( I think he will) and then don;t be to available. He is the sort of guy that does not understand words, he understands action. He needs to think he has lost you for good, that wil shake him into action. Whatever you do - don;t call him. let us know what happpens and good luck. :o) x
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 September 2011):
Hi,Many people before me gave you good advice. I hope you make the right decision. Yes, you sound like a lovely lady, and I don't think you are clingy at all. I believe the things you've been asking him for is very reasonable. I might be wrong, and I don't know why, but reading your post, for some reason, gave me the idea he's lying to you from beginning. I think he's just using the date site to meet women, and have sex. I don't think he was a virgin when he said he was. He's very good using sweet words, very manipulative, very good acting, I mean you saw first hand. I am sorry if this hurts, but I think he's a player... Please, don't contact him, or meet him anymore. He lied to you so many times, made so many false promises. Believe me, even if you meet or talk, he will just lie again. Please, get away from him while the relationship still new, and find someone that truly deserves you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, hollyrocket613 +, writes (21 September 2011):
Plain and simple, why would you want to continue to be with a guy who isn't even sure about being with you? Cut the ties, move on,and find someone else. You need someone who will make you their first choice not their go to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Sounds like the relationshp needs to end. End of story. He has already hurt you the trust is not to good and seems he's not ready to be that serious. Move on!
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (21 September 2011):
I can relate to this. When I was in my relationship with my girlfriend I always did stuff that would make her mad. Stupid things, Kinda like playing xbox over her. She told me she didnt like it and of course I herd her. But I did not understand how much it bothered her. She ended up breaking up with me just like you did. I honestly believe the realization of loosing someone that means so much to you is the biggest wake up call you can give! The fact that he went back online really means he is scared, heart broken,sad, and lonely. At the same time he may want you to fell jealous, may be so hurt he doesnt want to think about you... First hes not the cheating type. And he is not the type of guy to go get another girl the next day. Hes lonely and sad. What you should do is not contact him at all. Give him some space. Maybe he will text u or contact u and ignore it a couple times. The point is you want him to think u dont care as much about him. When he comes back to you dont jump back in the relationship. give it a little more time. Make sure it sinks in his head. YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN VIDEO GAMES, YOU SHOULD BE HIS MAIN PRIORITY! not video games not tv, YOU... This may seem harsh but if u dont already know it works. Dont move on unless you want too. Give him time. Dont freak out. Im a guy and we are idiots. We do stupid stuff because we dont think. GIve it time. I honestly think its way to early to know whats going on. But dont contact him. I would give it a week or two then contact him. But seriously if he loves you he should contact u... then again I am currently going through a problem like yours and I am too ashamed to contact my girlfriend. I just dont know what to say my hearts in pieces. From a guys perspective and point of view its really really hard to talk to your GF when shes not nice.. this could also be a possibility if he does not contact you. Trust me if he says he loves you he is thinking about u 24/7... Give it some time dont jump the gun.Maybe something I said can help you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Ok I am going to be blunt here.He has moved on.1. He has re-enabled his dating profile2. He was on it before your big chat3. He hasn't responded to you 3 times nor to a txt explaining your anguish4. You are right he is simply to immature for a relationship and too immature to break up with you like a man.My advice save him the trouble and break up for him and move on, this one is gone..Take it as a learning process. I know it hurts now but your on here asking a question you already know the answer too :)You sound like a sweet girl and you are being very reasonable, find someone who appreciates you ;-)Good Luck!
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