A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and just recently broke up with my girlfriend. We had been really close for almost the entire time we were together. She was 17 when we started dating and now she is in college. I loved her with all my heart and I know she loved me just as much. As the 3 yr mark approached everything seemed to be falling apart. She became distant from me and was texting other people, specifically a guy from her job. When I would ask her about it, she shrugged it off and said that he was just a friend. This guy was 30 years old and she was 19. I told her that all he wanted was probably sex and nothing else. She said there was no way it would even get that far as they were friends. I soon noticed that she was constantly texting this guy and our once deep conversations were now short/shallow. We used to kiss all the time, say we loved each other, and spent every moment with each other. She started making friends with some bad people that did not have her best interest at heart. The other issue was that she had started wanting to hang out with guys alone. I said that I would be ok with it if it was a group of people, but alone in a house was not acceptable for me. Being in a large city - crime was high. I was only interested in her safety. I always felt she had been faithful with me. I was worried about what was happening and I brought it up to her several more times. She once again shut me out and said I was just being jealous. I was really lost as I loved this girl so much. As time went by I saw she had almost completely stopped talking to me with anything about her day. I asked her one day if she would be home so that we could talk about our situation in person. She said I will be home at about 2 - she had a study group that afternoon. Well I waited and 2 came and went. I tried calling and texting with no answer from her. I waited til about 3 and tried again - no answer. Finally at 6 pm she texted 2 words "Im ok". At this point I was worried. What was going on? I texted back asking where she was and there was no answer. Finally at 8-9 pm she got online and acted like nothing happened. I was extremely worried and immediately asked what had happened. She said that she had gone to dinner with a friend from her study group. I asked if she could atleast inform me next time so that I wouldn't be so worried. She agreed.The next day I asked if we could talk again and she said she had work that afternoon to night but would be off at 11. I waited til 11:15 to call her and once again there was no answer. Thinking she was held up - I called again at 11:40 - Still no answer. Getting very worried and being at a friends house down the street from her job- I drove there to make sure she was ok. There had been a lot of muggings in the area as well as murders. Her car was parked right outside the location and I felt at ease. I left her a voicemail saying that I would meet her at her house since it was close as well. Less than 5 mins later she called me and told me she was at home and that I should come see her now. I had just been sitting in the car waiting outside her house - saw that of course she wasn't. I told her where I was and that she was not home. I noticed she faltered a bit, and said we would talk when she got home.I saw her pull into her drive and proceeded to meet her at the door. Then I noticed a car that was sitting in the street. It was the "friend" that she had talked about. He just sat there - so I decided to go introduce myself to him. Even with his window down- when I introduced myself and just stared forward and ignored me. So I went inside after my GF and asked why he had followed her home. She said he was doing that to make sure she was ok. Then she answered a call from him and assured him she was ok and was smiling so wide and laughing with him on the phone. That was the first true smile I had seen in the last week. At this moment I was heart broken as she seemed to be more involved with this guy than I had ever known. After she hung up, we talked and she brought up how I was trying to keep tabs on her at work as the guy had seen me in the parking lot of her work. I explained why I was so worried and she said that I didn't trust her. At this moment I was crushed. I left after talking a bit more and found out that she had not been at dinner with her study group but she had been at dinner with this guy and the gym with him the previous day. I left heart broken and felt that if died right then and there - I wouldn't care.For the next 3 days she became even more distant from me and I was hurting so much. I went to her house to talk to her and try to work through this, but she pushed me away. She had lied and violated my trust. I felt that since she mostly used texting to communicate if she shared some of the messages with me - we could start to rebuild our relationship again. I was met with hostility and the response that I dont need to see any texts. We had shared our email, facebook, all accounts with each other, but she was hiding this. I just wanted her to open up to me and even if there were bad messages - I didnt care if she would just be honest with me. She refused time and time again. Finally one day I was trying to figure out what was happening through online searches and I stumbled upon something called an emotional affair on the internet. All the pieces started making sense. Excited - I printed and took a couple quizzes to her to prove that was occurring to our relationship. I ask her the questions without telling her what they were for. Of course she answered the questions and 9/10 were positive for the emotional affair. She said this guy and her were only friends. So I asked to see the text messages again and once again she flat out refused and got upset at me. I then asked her just to scroll through and see how many messages were to me and how many were to him. He won hands down. As she was scrolling, I saw things in the preview text like "I miss you", "Hope your having a good day" from this guy. The same overwhelming feeling of despair and heartbreak came over me again. I begged her to just be honest with me so that we could move forward- once again a flat out no. She gave me an angry cold stare and and asked me to take her home (we had gone to breakfast). Which I did. I begged her telling her that if she cant be open with me - she would loose me. She shrugged it off and continued to text this guy. I couldnt understand why she was so indifferent about it after 3 yrs. After trying for most of that week - I was ready to just give into her demands to be alone with a guy, but upon calling a close friend - I was advised to cut it off. Which at that point, I was hurt more than I could have ever imagined. So I went back to her house later that day and broke up with her. She was the most angry person I have ever seen in my life. I left shortly after that and went home and cried. I started to begin the healing process the following week. I was extremely depressed and hurt. What hurt even more was her facebook status's saying how much fun she was having. One day she contacted me on instant message asking why I hadnt talked to her since the breakup. I said it hurt to much. She said well since we werent talking - she wanted all her stuff back including all the gifts she had given me over the last 3 yrs. I said those gifts were given for the other to keep. I had spent just as much money on my gifts as she had and I told her I wanted her to keep mine. She then threatened me saying that she would sue me for sex with her when I was 19 and she was 17 and she would say I raped her. This was absolutely a heavy blow to me. I had been a virgin before this and she was going to use this to ruin my life. It is legal at that age if it is consensual - which it was. All she had to do was lie. At that - I dropped the gifts at her home and she asked if we could stay friends. I declined saying that she had hurt me more than anyone ever could. She got so upset that she was shaking and ran inside her home. I left her house to come back to mine. I couldn't believe it. Well a few weeks past, and I was still in love with this girl. I hurt at the mention of her name. After a month after the breakup, the sting was slowly fading, She wrote me a message on my instant messenger saying how she was so lonely and that she still loved me. We talked for a bit and I found out that the guy she was "friends" with had turned her down. She had wanted a relationship with this guy and he said no. She said she missed me and there was a void. The guy she was attempting to date only wanted friends with benefits. Still in love I said I wasn't sure and didn't know what to think.She wanted to try again with us and I said I didn't know.I am so torn with this situation cause I still love her a lot and hurt. She seems to feel the same way, but I cant just ignore what had happened. What should I do? Should I get back together with her or should I move on. If I move on - how should I respond to her?If I get back together - How should I respond?Is it even worth it to continue contact with her?Please give as much detail as you can.
View related questions:
affair, at work, broke up, crush, depressed, facebook, friend with benefits, get back together, jealous, money, move on, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (1 April 2010):
 I would ask you a question, do you think you can forgive her? I would give her time to think and make sure she wants to be with you. Make sure she is sincere in her remorse, make her work a little harder for your forgiveness so she doesn't think your that easy to get back so she might think twice before acting out again, right. Anyways you say you love her and I believe that sometimes people deserve a second chance and that people change and learn from their mistakes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): My advice is start slow. See if she is sincere. Talk to her about the past see how far their "Friendship" went. if after you find out all the details you still love her try to work it out she has already been burned and so have you, Maybe she learned her lesson. Maybe her eyes are open now, but if she is just going to use you to for pity just so she is not lonely the forget about her and move on. and no mater what i would keep in contact with her why throw away 3 years for that.... ok the threat of rape was a little over board i don't think even i could forgive that. so its up to you.
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 After reading all this I expected to give you a long detailed answer but actually the answer is very simple.
The guy she wanted (the older man) turned her down - so she has come crawling back to you because she does not want to be alone. You are second best in this scenario I'm afraid. If her older man had agreed to be in a relationship with her then she would not have given you a second thought and would have ran off into the sunset with him, leaving you alone and unhappy.
Do not get back with her - I cannot begin to explain how much of a bad idea this will be. This girl, the girl that claims to love you, wanted to leave you for another man. She cheated on you by having an emotional affair (which is often worse than a purely physical affair). She would have happily never spoke to you again, never seen you again, thrown away your time together for some new guy in her life. I could go on and on - there are so many reasons why you should not get back with her! She will only do the same thing again and you will never be able to trust her!
You seem like a really nice guy, it is so refreshing to see a kind, caring guy on this site who doesnt cheat and only wants the best for the woman in his life. Your girlfriend/ex on the other hand is a liar, a cheat, immature and selfish. You deserve so much better than her, and when you finally get over her and meet someone new you will realise how badly she has treated you. At the moment you will be thinking of the good times, and how you spent so much time together etc - whereas when you eventually get over her and meet someone else that new person will make you see that there is so much better and relationships should be so different to what you have experienced.
My boyfriend had a nightmare relationship with his ex but at the time he never really realised the full extent of it - she stopped him from doing all the things he loved, demanded so much of him, treat him like dirt really and walked all over him, all because she knew that he loved her so much and was not willing to walk away from their relationship. He never actually split up with her, in the end she left him and quickly went off with some new guy. He was devastated for ages, but now he has met me, he always says he cant believe he spent so long with someone that would treat him like that. He always says that the relationship with me is a million times better and he is so much happier now - but at the time with his ex he would never of realised just how unhappy he was.
So what you need to do is contact your girlfriend/ex and tell her that you just cannot get past what she did to you and you no longer want to be involved with her. Wish her all the best and make it very clear that you dont want anything to do with her, so no staying friends nonsense, facebook friends etc. Delete her number, her facebook, email address etc. While after some break-ups you can remain friends, this is just not one of them. This has hurt you too much and keeping her in your life at all will only prolong the pain.
The only way to get over a really traumatic break-up is no contact at all, for the rest of your lives. Allowing her to creep back into your life after 6 months, 1 year etc will only reverse all the progress you will have made and bring all those old feelings back. When you really loved someone and imagined spending the rest of your life with that person, those feelings never fully go away. Some little part of your heart will always hold a flame for that person, so to allow them back into your life at any point only brings back those feelings that are harboured away.
I can tell you now that when you tell her it is over for good she will beg, I bet there will be tears....you will feel horrible and it will be very hard for you to stick to your guns when you see someone you love this way. But remember - they are only crocodile tears. She shed no tears for you when she was chasing after her new man, so keep that in mind at all times. She is only lonely now because she has been foolish and thrown away a good man (you) and she has been rejected, hence she is wanting comfort from you because she thinks you love her so much you will always be around. Dont give in to her demands, and be very clear that it really is over, and there will be no contact. If she texts you - dont reply. Dont answer any calls, messages, emails etc regardless of how much you want to. This will show her you are serious and after a few weeks she will give up - but for the first few weeks she will think she can worm her way back into your life because she knows how you feel about her.
You are going to have to be very strong and determined - but I'm sure that if you always keep in mind what she did to you then it will be a little easier to stick to your guns and maintain no contact with her. She is not a good person to have in your life, you are just second best for her and the back up plan seen as things have gone wrong with the new man. Dont let her walk all over you and treat you however she pleases - she needs to learn a lesson from this, and that is that when you act like a selfish and immature b**ch then you are going to lose the best thing you ever had.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
