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anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids,Long time answerer, first time asker. What brings me to the question board? I'm 6 days away from my due date and I'm freaking out. I've been freaking out pretty much the whole time. It's not my relationship - I've been with him for 8 years, married 4. We have a great time together. I'm 27, he's 31. We both have degrees and lives. The baby was a "pleasant surprise". It's been a super easy pregnancy, and I've been grateful for that. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was not very excited. When I told my husband, we both burst into tears - mine, tears of ickiness, his tears of joy and elatedness. Yes, my husband was over the moon and that's where he's stayed. I, however, felt an immediate sense of "doom". I didn't expect that to be my reaction - I've always wanted kids. But, here I was with child, my first feeling was "oh shit". I thought the feeling would go away. That I'd get more excited about it. But as time went on, I got more and more anxious and apprehensive. So many questions and concerns. What about my life? What about my career? I want to get a masters, what if I don't have time? How can I keep up with my passions, hobbies, friends? Will I still have a social life? What if none of my friends want to hang out with me since I'm the only one with a child? Am I doomed to never go out and have a stupid drunken night of fun again? Not like I was doing that anyway, but the option was always nice. I love going out on dates with my fella, I love spontaneity and adventure. I'm not ready to lose that and become an indoor cat, so to speak.I'm ashamed to say that I also have discovered that I suffer from vanity as well. I have always been happy with my looks and my body. I was blessed with a great figure - and I guess I didn't think of it much until it started getting mangled my the baby. The doctor's say I'm a model of pregnancy, but these stretch marks are AWFUL and I know they won't go away. My boobs have changed and I hate that (I loved them before. They were great). I know that there should be pride in transitioning from a 'show body' to a 'working body', but I look in the mirror and feel miserable.My husband compliments me and tries to make me feel sexy. He is still after me as he always was and seemingly loves my new figure, but suddenly it has all become hard for me to believe. I used to be fine with him occasionally masturbating to porn - something that was pretty infrequent, and always if I wasn't in the mood or was out of town - but suddenly I am so self-consious about what I am now compared to what I used to be, it feels like masturbation is confirmation that he secretly misses my old frame or finds those chicks more appealing... which I KNOW isn't true. I know it isn't true and yet... yet...He is also ridiculously excited about the baby and doesn't really get why I'm not on the same level as him. He tries to be understanding, but I think he is just as befuddled as others who are close to me and puzzled why I'm not starry-eyed. They have been saying since the beginning, "oh, you'll get excited. Just you wait", and here we are 6 days away from my due date and I'm more darkly clouded over than ever. Weirdly enough, all of this feels like it has very little to do with the baby anymore. I've grown fond of her. I like when she moves around. She's the only stranger I've ever felt this way towards. I'm sure she will be awesome. It's not the baby I'm worried about. I am totally warmed up about getting to know her and helping her grow into her own person. It's not even labor that I'm worried about. I am ready to be a warrior. Billions of women have done it. I can do it too.I'm just not ready to give up my time, independence, and I'm especially not ready to give up ME. I know that the person I know "me" to be will have to change to fit this new life and set of responsibilities. They say, "oh, don't worry - once she's here, you'll love your new life and the old one won't mean as much anymore", but frankly THAT SUCKS. My old life had meaning and it made me feel great. I worked hard, and had a lot of accomplishments. What if the baby becomes my last big accomplishment? I know that my life isn't over. But I haven't stopped grieving for Part One of my life. And now with the baby around the corner... I am overwhelmed with this feeling of doom. People keep saying, "OMG the baby is coming SOOO soon, you must be SOOOO excited", and I keep being like, "... well...", because I'm NOT excited. I'd just as soon she stay where she is for a little while more.I feel selfish. I feel like a jerk. I know that so many women and families yearn for children and can't have them. I should be grateful that I'm fertile and that I've had an easy pregnancy. I feel like my concerns are so superficial and that's heaping onto my pile of shame and anxiety and feelings of ickiness. I am usually such a happy, positive person. I feel like most of my life has been led in a thoughtful, reasonable way. That's why I don't understand my reaction to this pregnancy, when kids have always been part of the plan. This is a good time to have them, I'm 27, I think I'll be a pretty awesome Mom... so why am I so down about it all?I'm not sure what the question is, per se. But, I'd still like some advice. Thanks for listening, Cupids. :)
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Thank you for the update, congrats on the wonderful baby and glad to hear it's going good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys...
So, a little over 6 months later, I just wanted to say thank you.
Now, looking back, I still can understand all my anxiety... but you know what? I was back doing what I love to do two months after the baby was born, the fella is being great - I'm still working on getting the figure back and accepting the stretchmarks. I just landed my dream job, and I'm pretty stoked on starting that!
Life isn't over. I'm still just as "Me" as I always was, only now I also have this awesome baby. I think the universe saw my anxiety and gave me the Easiest. Baby. Of. All. Time. She was sleeping through the night by Week One, and hasn't stopped. Doesn't cry unless hungry. Enjoys socializing, but is also happy to contentedly play by herself while Mom reads a book or spends some time writing.
Life is good. Thanks for the reassurance that it would be okay, when I really needed to hear it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2013):
Having a child doesn't mean your life as you know it is over. Not by a long shot.
It DOES mean that you are NOW responsible for more then JUST yourself.
You shouldn't feel bad for not being overjoyed. It's NOT your fault that there are women who can't have children. And it certainly doesn't mean that ALL pregnant women MUST act a certain way. YOU are YOU. And you are not being superficial.
Sit down with your husband, make a plan for the future. TRY and make a time line for going back to school and all the other things. DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. Have date nights, do things you want to do with or without the baby.
IF you still feel down about it AFTER giving birth TALK to your doctor. Some women actually experience postpartum BEFORE the child is born. So pay attention to how you feel.
You might feel totally different when he baby shows up.
Relax, women have been doing this for eon, and you are NOT the first (or the last) to have worries and concerns. It's pretty normal.
Chin up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): You're normal to feel this way. Not everyone is happy yo he a parent, even those who accidentally have kids. You didn't plan this kid so it is only natural you are not ready. But eventually you will find your own path to acceptance.I won't kid you by saying that after the baby arrives nothing else will matter to you anymore. That simply is not true tot everyone. I was an accidental baby and my mother gave up her career because of it and has always regretted it. Yes she does love me but she is toxic in other ways because she has such unreasonably high expectations of me because she sacrificed the life she wanted to raise me that I cannot take the pressure to live up to her expectations and her own dashed hopes and dreams and we don't talk much these days as a result. Frankly all I can say is just take it one day at a time. Maybe you will come to love your new life. Maybe you will have a long struggle ahead of you to come to terms with opportunities lost. There is no way to know now how you will feel in a year or in 10 years. Just take it one day at a time, you will figure things out.Of course your husband is elated. His life isn't going to change as much as yours. Let me guess. He intends to keep his career exactly as he had always envisioned. He expects you to be the one to give up your career dreams to take care of the kid. He envisions you doing most of the unglamorous childcare chores.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): I'm 31- pregnant with my first baby, a girl due December 25th. I'm finishing my first semester of a doctorate and nurse practitioner program combined. Ill continue, with help, once the baby comes. So school and baby can be done. Body changes suck, it is what it is. Life will change post baby yes, but that's life. It's going to change many more times. You just have to quit over thinking things, and realize that this new chapter will bring new friends, new fun and experiences. Plus with a nanny, grandma or babysitter around you can still live your social life...although I hear alot of people hate leaving their baby at home. I think it all comes down to maturity, I certainly was not ready at 27... it's time to grow up. You can still have lots of fun,it'll just take some planning.
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reader, tendersmile  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 I think its all part of the future anxiety u have about the change that this baby is going to bring in your life. The more you will live it you ll realize with time that its not as bad as you imagined. Because sometimes our mind just exaggerates the negatives of something, and the fear of the unknown and unseen haunt us. Also sometimes how others react to our state of life causes us to be extra sensitive or lead us to overexpect out of us. You should not beat urself up for not feeling the way others expect. You are not doomed its just that ur life is going to change. I mean nobodyz friends desert them if they have families you can still go out with ur husband if you arrange for a nanny or a baby sitter you can even study thats manageable and thousands of people do that. So don't freak out, just give urself time to adjust with the change. Don't push yourself too hard, feelings are not always as reliable as u think so based on these you cannot make assumptions about your future life. So let it be what it is, You will know when you are ready, and that my dear comes as a realization, after that u just find peace. So make peace with urself, and wait for that moment of realization when u will finally accept everything and not resist it anymore. Open your heart for a new experience...Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): I had a baby 5 months ago, im only 19 and i felt the exact same as yoy but i pronise youll feel a lot different when your baby arrives :) yes i do miss being able to go out when i wanted but i have to say being a mom has been an amazing experience. I love watching my little boy grow up. You and your husband need to make time for yourselves when baby arrives to or you will go insane being stuck inside all the time. I cant ever imagine my life without my little boy now, it's like he's been here forever :) it was hard at first but its been very rewarding. What youre feeling is very normal i presume for most expectant mothers :) Take each day as it comes. Good luck :) and just enjoy your baby x
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