A
female
age
51-59,
*onfused14solong
writes:This is probably a very old problem but I am married having a relationship with a married man off and on for the past 4 months. The relationship was under the understanding of just sex. I have been able to keep my marriage separate from anything we do but I don't think he can. And he has said so. We've met numerous times, usually in cars, made out, the usual stuff, had intercourse once in the car and he told me he felt really guilty. He didn't contact me on a regular basis for quite a while after that and then started to really come around a lot a few weeks later. This past Monday night we met at a hotel for the first time. We were there for 3 hours and I thought we had a really good time. After, he did tell me he felt really guilty. We left on good terms. Overnight, I started to feel really guilty that he was having such a hard time with it. I sent him an email telling him and we both agreed to be friends, which I really didn't want. He says things were getting too serious on his end and he didn't want anything more than that. I don't understand what that means. I tried to contact him to tell me he was done with me because I wasn't going to do this anymore and he won't respond. I said some really mean things. Now I want to apologize and be done with all of it.My questions are:What does he mean by things getting too serious? Does that mean his feelings for me changed?If he feels so guilty after, why does he keep coming back?Should I send an apology email or just let the mean things I said to him stay out there?
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female
reader, Confused14solong +, writes (27 December 2012):
Confused14solong is verified as being by the original poster of the question@male reader...last response...you didn't answer the question but to make me aware that I was cheating...Gee...I didn't know that...thanks for your input.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): The justifications for your actions are all the over the place, your ill son, your unemotional husband, your husband that wants you and loves you, he hasn't changed, you have changed? Which one is it?How about none! And it's pretty low if you are involving your ill son as an argument for sexual gratification.You seem more concerned about apologizing to the lover than the hurt you will cause your husband and what it will do to your family.I could bore you about Wedding vows and honour but I won't.How about being truthful to yourself and to the man who brought and with you helped raise an innocent child. What about the pain he has to be through now and then on top finding out his wife has been having sex with someone else?He may not be whiter than snow but you two are married at least he deserves to know the truth because no matter what your justification this week and when it changes next week. It is and will always be CHEATING. And someone very soon is going to get through under the proverbial bus. Talk to your husband and stop rug sweeping
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 December 2012):
Hi. It must be very hard on you, having a terminally ill son and not being able to reach out to your husband to deal with the situation.
It's a time when you both need each other, even more so than at other times.
This is one of those wedding vows we all made promises to keep - "Through sickness and in health" - and although it is NOT either you or your husband who is sick, your son is a part of both of you, and the state of his wellbeing, is something you both need to reach out to each other for.
In really tough times, serious illness can often really test a relationship to the maximum.
Whether it is one of the two partners who is either terminally ill or chronically ill, or one of the children (as it is with you), or else situations like natural disasters, such as flood, fire, tropical cyclones etc., it can sometimes either make or break a relationship.
And even if it doesn't actually break up the relationship, both people in a relationship can react very differently in really challenging situations.
You need his emotional support - and he is emotionally unavailable for you.
He on the other hand, is the type of man who - like many men - still feels all the very same emotions as you do, but has a different way of handling the situation.
His way is to keep all his thoughts and feelings to himself and just bottle it up, which is very unhealthy.
And sadly, this is often very common among men.
They see it as a sign of character weakness, if they show any of their emotions and shed a few tears now and then.
But this is what you and him need.
I'm talking about all this, because you have identified the "need" that is not being fulfilled in you, and most likely has been at the very core of your beginning the affair in the first place.
You were looking for something that was missing in your own relationship with your husband - the emotional sharing - and although you probably didn't actually find it with this other man, what it did do for you, is to provide a welcome distraction, from the emotional void that you feel is missing from your husband.
So then what it did, is help you to avoid for those few minutes or an hour or whatever time you are with your boyfriend, and you didn't have to think too much about your terminally ill son.
Your boyfriend, could probably not offer you any real support anyway, as he is an outsider, and so all he could do was give you the sex, and that's about all.
In really tough emotional times, people when they feel helpless in a situation, can turn to many different things
for an escape.
Things like:-
(1) Affairs.
(2) Prescription drugs.
(3) Alcohol.
(4) Recreational drugs.
(5) Becoming a workaholic.
(6) Surfing the internet - to pass the time.
(7) Becoming a gym junky.
(8) Sleeping to pass the time.
And people turn to these activities sometimes, because they are easy and quick.
But more importantly, they provide an easy "Escape" and they help numb the mind, so you don't have to think about the problem.
Unfortunately, it only works while you are currently doing the activity.
So the affect, is very short lived indeed.
And then when you stop, the problem is still there - unchanged.
It seems clear to me, that what you are really missing in your life is definitely, the emotional support of your husband, and being able to reach out to him and talk, about the situation of your son.
Even though talking about it, won't cure your son, what it will do is bring you closer together, to where you should have been all along.
It will help you both, tremendously.
You are going to have to initiate some dialogue between you and your husband, by having a heart to heart chat with him.
You need to tell him that you really need him more than ever now, and that you feel you might be losing him altogether, as he is becoming so remote towards you.
And the funny thing is, he might not even realize just how clammed up he has become over the issue of your terminally ill son.
He probably wants to talk about it, but has no idea as to where to begin.
And this would be a fairly normal way to feel for a man, for sure.
Nevertheless, talk about ANYTHING, has to start somewhere, doesn't it?
You could just start talking about anything and everything that's been happening in your life, and your shared life with him, and as you see an opening, you can just easily direct your conversation over to talking about your son.
Depending on your son's age - child or teenage or an adult - you could begin by talking about his life (whether it's about his achievements at school, college or work, any romances etc.), and then it will inevitably flow onto the state of his health.
And there's your way into that much needed conversation you and your husband, really need to talk about.
And that being of course, your feelings and the thoughts about your son, and how it will be so awful when you eventually lose him, and how your lives will change.
Once you get onto the subject of your son - don't try and move into it too quickly - you will most likely find that it just flows anyway.
And then the ice will be finally broken between you, once and for all.
And what a wonderful relief it will be!
The bottom line here really is, you are missing SO MUCH, the emotional support of your husband, and it makes you feel very lonely and isolated.
You felt the need to share with him, and he won't open up to you at all.
He just keeps it all to himself.
So what you have been missing is the emotional connection.
And that is WAY more important than just sex.
It's the real glue that keeps two people together, and wanting to stay together forever.
Once you have this chat with our husband, and you both really SHARE emotionally with each other, you will find that everything changes for the better, from that point on.
Please DO NOT hesitate in having this talk with your husband, it's just SO important.
Don't leave it even one more day.
The sooner the better.
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A
female
reader, Confused14solong +, writes (23 December 2012):
Confused14solong is verified as being by the original poster of the question@DearJean....Thank you for your response. You are right. I think I've tried to deny that I have feelings for this man but that is not the case. I do care for him and I believe he cares for me and that is why he's stopped talking too me. You are also right that although the random meetings we have had have been limited in time they have not lacked passion, excitement, and emotion and that is most likely where our ability to keep feelings out of the whole equation has failed. I understand his reasons for not wanting to continue and I can respect that. Doesn't mean I have to agree with it. He also could have been more of a "man" about how he's ended it. I don't know why I've allowed myself to get in this situation.Let me correct you on your comment that you don't think my H has any interest in me. He fully does want me, loves me, and would do anything for me. It's me that is having such problems emotionally with my current situation.As for your sex addict comment I'm not sure I would classify myself as that. I will have to explore this and am open to treatment if that is the case. It is definitely an ego boost to have someone other than the man you are married too be attracted to you but at what cost? If I am being classified as a sex addict then I would have to say the man I've been involved with is the same and most likely will try and contact me again bc that is what we are both craving. In which case, I need to prepare myself because I don't want this pain to continue any longer. I can't allow this to continue because it is affecting my life in a huge way.As I've said before, I have NEVER done this before. I have very limited sexual experience to begin with. This may be why this is so difficult for me now. I have only just recently told my therapist about what I've been doing and found this website for some support so hopefully things will start to turn around. I have to be strong!
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A
female
reader, DearJean +, writes (23 December 2012):
 Intimacy carried out with the same person on many occassions will and does inevitably lead to emotional attachment, even a relationship. I believe you know this in your mind and heart that you two are emotionally attached, albeit through sex. You say he is the only one who appears to be attached but you won't let go of the serial rendezvous either. You seem to think that by your demands of limiting the escapade to cheap places only for a few hours in the backseat of a car or at a motel, it is not a relationship. Has that facade help keep it impersonal? I also believe you find his continued interest in you ego gratifying especially at a time when you no longer thrill your husband as he does not you. How flattering it is to be desired. Your ego has run amock, completely unchecked. To cope with the stresses of your lives you have turned to sex compulsively with another man. It appears your life is unmanagable right now and will only get worse until you get off the merry-go-round and into a 12 step program for sex addicts. Addiction is a dysfunctional strategy for coping with life's problems, great and small.
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A
female
reader, Confused14solong +, writes (23 December 2012):
Confused14solong is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ TrancedRhythmEar..thank you for your response but did you read the headline?..that's all the affair was supposed to be about what sex. How could this person have a conscience if he has admittedly done this before in the past?To the anonymous response- I appreciate your insight as well. The reason I don't want to end this is because I do enjoy the attention. After 21+ years with my H there is no spark, its the same old same old. He's the same person, I'm changing and he's not. It's not to a point where divorce is an answer. I, for some reason don't feel that I am hurting my H because he doesn't know. Stupid, I know. I understand all the consequences of my actions but I still don't understand my actions.This man has done the same thing in the past. Done things with me, felt guilty, doesn't return emails, and then day/weeks later comes back around. I've never done this before and because of how he reacts after I will NEVER do this again. This is exhausting for me especially since I am so emotionally drained as it is with my home life.What I didn't want was for this to end so poorly. Which is why I feel the need to send an email apologizing for how I acted. It was totally out of frustration and anger with the situation. I don't know why he couldn't just give me a straight forward this is done instead of being childish and just not responding. Thank you all for your help. :)
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (23 December 2012):
 Wow really? Yes stay away. The guy has a conscience n im sure the only reason he comes back is for sexual pleasure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): You said you would end all contact if your husband found out. Why not just end all contact anyway regardless.
If you're willing to keep hurting your husband then go right on.
I get that your hb hasn't been connected to you but there is still this thing called basic decency in honoring a contractual agreement or terminating it if you don't want to honor it.
I think you should just end all contact with this guy now. Nothing more needs to be said between you.
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A
female
reader, Confused14solong +, writes (23 December 2012):
Confused14solong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy Dix! Thank you so much for responding. I appreciate your insight. Let me just say that I do feel guilty for what I am doing to my H. We have been married for the past 21 years. I've had some devastating things happen in the past 5 months and my H is so unemotional that I believe I have done this for that reason. Our son is terminally ill and I think we both have emotionally disconnected from each other. I do love my H with all my heart but I am missing that connection from him and I believe that is what I've gone looking for.I'm having a difficult time right now but I'm not sure its because I miss this man, the guilt of what I've done, or because I've basically been rejected. I don't want either of us to change anything about our married situations. I cannot allow that to happen. I understand your explanation about the getting "too serious". He has been the one to suggest meeting overnight, wanting to come to my house (which I have never allowed), emailing me all the time, telling me very personal things about himself, that I believe he is the one that is feeling differently towards me. I've told him that I don't think he can separate his marriage from what we do and he agrees. He knows what he is doing is wrong and says that his wife doesn't deserve this. No spouse of a cheating spouse deserves this! Maybe I have become emotionally involved with him. I wouldn't say that I have fallen in love with him. I like him, I like how he makes me feel but I wouldn't say I love him. I am a caring person by nature and I think he may be perceiving this as love or deeper feelings when this is just me.To answer your questions:1) I by no means have any wish, desire, or want to end up together.2) I would NOT leave my H for this man. He is in a totally different place in his life than I am. He is 8 years younger than me and has so many problems going on in his life that I wouldn't want to be a part of that. He has an ex-wife, whom he cheated on and he is currently married, and is cheating on her with me.3) If for some reason I did choose to leave my H if he left his W and it didn't work out I would pick up the pieces and start over. I am a very strong woman because of circumstances in my life. It would be difficult but I would do it.4)I know that I CANNOT go on like this for the rest of my life. This is too painful. I still don't understand if this is guilt, lust, deep admiration, separation anxiety. I don't understand why this is affecting me so.5) I truly don't know what the final outcome is I hope from this. Right now he's not responding to my emails. He has not come out and said specifically that he doesn't want to see me any more. A part of me deep down hopes he does contact me again but I don't know. I think I may be addicted to the attention of having someone find me attractive after so many years with my H.6) If my husband or his wife somehow found out about our affair, I would break off all contact immediately. I would try my best to explain to my H why I felt the need to do this. I would leave our home, if he asked me too and I would try my best to build his trust back again. I have never done this before and would never do it again.I do know that this man I am feeling such pain from now is not someone that I want to or need to spend the rest of my life with. I still don't know why if he feels so guilty after he sees me that he comes back.I also don't know if I should send him an apology email for the mean things I said to him. I appreciate your honesty and insight tremendously Dorothy. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 December 2012):
Hi there. The guilt feelings he has, are because he is cheating on his wife, with you.
He probably still loves his wife, as most men who have affairs usually do, and so he has a fairly strong allegiance to her, regardless of the time he spends with you.
So this is what he is really talking about when he says that to you.
You are also cheating on your husband, each time you are with your boyfriend.
There must be some times when you feel a little guilty also.
Because your husband trusts you and you are betraying that trust.
Your boyfriend's wife trusts him, and he is betraying her trust also.
It's hard not to feel some sense of guilt about the secretiveness, and all that sneaking around behind your spouses' backs.
When he says he thinks it is getting "too serious", he almost certainly feels that either he is falling in love with you.
OR, that you might be developing too many deep loving feelings towards him.
And that no doubt, could complicate things a lot.
In the end what it really comes down to is, what do you hope will become of this affair down the track?
Also, you need to ask yourself questions like:-
(1) Do you hope that you will both end up together?
(2) What if he left his wife for you - would you be prepared to leave your husband for him?
(3) And if this did happen, what if it didn't work out between you? What would you do then?
(4) Do you think you want it to go on for the rest of your life like this?
(5) What is the final outcome you hope for, out of all this?
(6) What if your husband and his wife somehow found out about your affair? What would you do then?
As fun and exciting as it feels for both of you now, an affair, isn't like living in the real world.
It's a bit like a fairytale, and there are not the responsibilities that the real world has, such as bills, rent or mortgage, sickness, arguments, waking up grumpy in the morning, dirty washing, housekeeping, mowing the lawns, etc. etc. etc.
In the real world, the bubble of the fairytale very soon bursts.
Because reality hits home HARD!
So sometimes you have to be very careful what you wish for, because it might come true.
Happiness between you both now, could later become a nightmare or else boredom.
And then you have both lost EVERYTHING.
Often affairs start, out of a feeling of same ole same ole, and boredom and monotony.
It's like a dream and it is seen as a quick fix, although it doesn't really fix anything.
It fills the need to have more fun, however it's not the real answer, there is always much more to filling the REAL need of what is missing in a person's life.
Sex is just too easy, so it is tempting.
So the key to the need, is the word "Fun".
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