A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last Saturday, my boyfriend and I planned on having sex with each other for the first time. He planned a date and everything was really nice and by the end of the night I was definitely ready to do it...but he was too nervous or something to get it up. We've been together for almost a year and we're both virgins so we both were nervous - I just wasn't expecting that. Now we both are kind of embarrassed about the whole situation, especially him (obviously). Now things are just a little awkward between us. He doesn't want to talk about it, but I think he thinks that I'm completely turned off by him now or that I think he's not capable or something else concerning his ego. Regardless, that couldn't be farther from the truth.I really, really want to try again - but he won't let the convo turn to the topic of sex even for a second. How do I get him to entertain the idea of trying again. And most importantly, how do I make sure what happened the first time doesn't happen again? Thanks in advanced!!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 May 2011):
Sorry for the double post.
I want to add one more thing: don't plan sex. You only build up tension that way, the same kind of nervousness that made the first try a failure. Sex just happens in the right circumstances, when both of you want it. So when you want to try, try to give him hints like kissing, etc. and see where it goes.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 May 2011):
Well dear, that's where the concept of 'show--don't tell' comes in handy. He doesn't want to talk about it because he's ashamed. Well, show him you're still very much interested in getting it on with him! Get closer to him, kiss him when you have the chance, offer to give him a massage, dress more sexily than normal for him, etc. He should get the hint soon enough. For your second try, pay extra attention to foreplay. Once you start feeling nervous, don't jump into the act, but get back to kissing and touching. Sex is so much more than just 'doing-the-deed'. Don't rush into it, take the time to get to know eachother's bodies. After a while you both should start feeling more relaxed. Hope this helps!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): hmmmm, well in this sort of situation it would probably be better to do it spontaneously. You are both old enough to have sex and you've talked about it before and both want to do it, so there's no need to set up a specific date to have sex. Doing that just gives you lots of time to worry about what the other will think of you naked, time to worry that you can't get it up, etc, etc. You would be best to surprise your boyfriend. Also, have you never done anything else sexual?? Because if you haven't it can really take down the nerves of the first time if you do other stuff before hand, sort of like building up to actual intercourse.I would suggest that you don't broach the subject of this with your boyfriend again. Rather, invite him over to your house when you know no-one is going to be around for several hours with the ploy that you want to watch a film or something. (put on a boring film!!!!). Then just start kissing him slowly but gradually make it more passionate. Then just start touching his body, but going slow and only going further when what you do is reciprocated. It puts far too much pressure on both of you to plan to go home to one of your beds to have sex for the first time. You've got to be all relaxed and in the mood. Anytime you guys are alone and kissing passionately and you feel like it, just push that little bit further than you did before. By the time you're doing stuff like oral sex etc, your guy will KNOW you're still attracted to him and the both of you will be more ready for sex. Also, going about it in this way gives a much better chance that your boyfriend will get hard and stay hard, because when it's just you two guys kissing as normal but you're running your hands over him then he won't feel the pressure to perform as much he'll just be thinking about how turned on he is.Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (21 May 2011):
He will be really embarrassed he failed to get it up. Your best bet is to reassure him in a sly way. Compliment him and tell him he's so sexy or something. If you plan it then he is bound to get nervous I would say the best idea is now just to let it happen.
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A
female
reader, Christinaa +, writes (21 May 2011):
 Well i learned over time that if you plan these things out it only makes them awkward. It might be different for you but whenever i just went with the flow and let what ever happend happen, things went alot smoother than if i would have planned it out. There's no doubt about it that he's still embarassed about what happend but you should let him know that you WANT to try again, or just completely forget what happend and have a fun day together then make a plan to go to either your house or his house and let what ever happens happen. hope that helped. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Glitters143 +, writes (21 May 2011):
 Hi, Do Not try to talk about it at all. I think you need to make believe that never happened because when this happens to a man it is soooo embarrasing for them, it makes them feel less of a man. This has happened to me before. He must have been very very nervous...lucky for us girls if we are nervous there isnt that much of a way to tell!!.. I think you should let a few days go by, dont PLAN to have sex just roll into the moment. Play around first with cloths on and without any words let it happen natrually and on its own. Dont bring it up anymore and dont feel like there is something wrong with you cause there isnt, he was def nervous. Be yourself around him and try to ignore the awkward moments.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (21 May 2011):
Failing to be able to perform is not uncommon. It happens to many blokes and he is naturally embarassed.He basically needs to relax about this and relax when it comes to sex.you need to show him you're not put off by making the moves. Don't do any planning, just go with the flow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): I suggest you let him go at his own pace. He will talk to you about it when he's ready. There's nothing you can do on your end other than to continue to be the loving person you were up until this point. Don't make an issue out of it.
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