A
female
age
36-40,
*imsy12321
writes:Hi everyone - I have a bit of an awkward and very personal question...sorry if some of this is just TMI...I was sexually abused as a young child and raped on two different occassions when I was young. Now, I feel like I am completely ruined sexually.Men make me nervous. I don't think I'm a lesbian, but while I can be attracted to a man from a distance, as soon as things get "too serious", I freak out and back out as quickly as possible. Even just kissing a guy makes me feel dirty and disgusting.Maybe TMI, but I feel like this is important: I masturbate, but unless I imagine myself being forced in some way, I don't get sexually excited at all. Emotionally, I don't enjoy it at all. Then, when I'm done, I feel horrible, and dirty, and ashamed of myself.I know that consensual sex is a natural, good thing - but I associate sex with pain and fear.I don't know how to fix these problems. Am I doomed to be alone forever? I feel like no man will want to date me because I have so much baggage, and I'm not sure any man even has the patience to put up with what that entails. Should I try to fix myself before I even try to date any more men? Should I give up entirely?Sorry if this is all TMI - but any advice would be greatly appreciated...
View related questions:
kissing, lesbian Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 August 2010):
 What exactly makes you believe you're ruined? "but I associate sex with pain and fear." Giving up entirely, isn't that saying you're allowing your abuser to win? That you can't be happy or sexually satisfied because of what someone else caused you? You went through something terrible. No one should have to experience what you've been through.
You should keep your options open. I'm sure there is a guy out there for you with patients, that will accept you for who you are and work through the baggage with you. In the mean time, there are a couple of things that are important for you to do. First, you know who abused you, or if you don't keep something you know about them in memory, such as the guy with ----. Then whenever referring to the abuse, call them by name or description, reason being, to split off associating your abuse with all men. Next, you need to forgive those who hurt you. This is not for them, it's only for you. You don't have to let them know, but don't you think it's time you were able to reduce or release the pain they caused you. In hearing a speaker last week, she said, forgiveness is the fast way to release bad karma (baggage). I believe this to be true. It's not to say you will forget, but you don't need to have your abusers re-abusing you, as long as you keep the hate locked up in side. I want you to also forgive yourself. You hold these feelings of being dirty and guilt, because you see what they did to you as being avoidable or somehow being your fault. You are not. You do not have to feel dirty from what someone else did. It happened, it's an experience, and you are just as worthy of being satisfied and loved, as if the abuse never happened. That doesn't change who you are, and it doesn't disable you from experiencing now, the way you want to.
After that is done, I want you to write a script. This is for your masturbation pleasure. Close your eyes, and imagine, without touching, that if you were to be touched the way you desire to be, how would you feel. Visualize what it'd be like. Is it sensual, maybe a little rough, but avoid coming back to being forced. I want you to imagine how the pleasure would make you feel, see yourself as being comfortable with that feeling, and that way of being touched. Once you can visualize the enjoyment, I want you to set the stage as if you were writing how you will play out this experience. Go all out, get wine, shopping at the xxx store or whatever, get candles if that gets you comfortable, then pick a night you know you won't be bothered, turn off texting, computer or whatever, and have that date with yourself.
You do this because becoming comfortable with your body, and finding what you enjoy, you'll be more open and comfortable enjoying the experience with someone else. You can do these types of visualizations when you find someone you want to share the experience with as well. Before you give him a chance, it's sort of taking a practice run, to reduce the resistance caused by the trauma, and begin retraining your subconscious to seeing sex as something that you can enjoy.
I hope this helps you, take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): I once was in your place and hope my story could help you. I was sexually abused in high school several times and thought I would never trust a man again. I once tried with the wrong person and the second his penis touched me I started screaming, cried, and hyperventilated. Every time a man would touch me between my legs, even if he was sweet and patient, I would freeze in terror. So eventually I just stopped trying.One day, however, I met a man who felt different. I couldn't explain it, but something about him drew me in. We had amazing chemistry, emotionally and sexually. Something was just, different feeling. He didn't even know about my sexual past until we'd been dating for awhile, but just finding the right person I was able to not only tolerate his touch, but I greatly enjoyed it. I went home and cried I was so happy I was able to enjoy him touching me for the first time in my life. With him I just felt so incredibly safe and comfortable. I thought it would never happen. Despite what's happened I now have a deeply satisfying sex life. I just needed to find the right person to make me feel safe.As for men not wanting to date someone with "baggage" I found that no matter who I was with, no one rejected me even after knowing. You won't be alone forever. You'll find that one guy who makes you feel so safe, secure, and wonderful. Don't push yourself to try to be sexual with someone you're not there yet with, it will just be an awful experience. Someday some really special guy will come and you will trust him. You can't force it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (14 August 2010):
 Sweety, first of all- you are not broken to have to fix. You maybe be damaged but it is not your fault, and does not define who you are. I understand all of these feelings. Don't b afraid to put yourself out there because it is not a scarlet letter embroidered on your blouse. When you find someone you like, then ease into telling them as much as you are comfortable with, and ya know, if its not something he can deal with he isnt the right guy for you! You have to find the right guy that you are conmfortable telling and he is comfortable dealing with.
The feelings you're feeling are normal, and I can't tell you that they can be just changed by talking about it. Replacing those nightmares and bad memories with good will also replace those feelings you associate with sex.
Just work on replacing the feelings and experiences in a positive, healthy, safe way and the rest should fal into place:) Best of luck!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): Hiya, I was actually looking for something else on google when I caught a glimpse of your post...I'm glad that I found it and I HOPE what I tell you helps you in some way.
Firstly, you're not alone in your experiences and the way in which they have made a huge inpact on your personal life...This fact should help you to feel much better already...
Secondly, the abuse which has distroyed your selfestemm does not have to be spoken about to any current or potential partner...The experiences you have whilst confronting these issues in a relationship or alone are private and the more you confront them the quicker the healing process will occur, I won't mislead you into thinking that this is quick or easy, this means not pushing those thoughts to the back of your mind when they appear out of the blue & allowing your inner self to confront why they have appeared... Say for instance this may occur whilst you are masturbating or having sex, if you feel too uncomfortable you should stop and try your hardest not to turn these feelings of your abuse into a form of erotica to keep yourself stimulated, although in saying that I believe that it is quite common for women to get sexually aroused by the thought of being forced sexually but it is not because we want it to happen or would get any gratification from it or because we have experienced it. Try bondage for instance and don't feel ashamed of your sexuality.
I had many sexual issues with a partner for many years and then one evening whilst he had fallen asleep and I lay there loooking out of the window feeling disgusted with myself for having sex or more to the point allowing him to be selfish and forceful with me, I remembered being sexually assualted at the age of 7. It wasn't long after this revelation that I began to take control by ways of dressing up, introducing handcuffs and the like but even up until we parted ways, after 10yrs together I never told him about this even though it had played a big part in our relationship by ways of how I felt about our sex life. I never told anyone not even my counsellor who I saw after the break up even though I wanted to.
One day I brought it up in conversation with my grandmother and since then I'm not too sure who I have told in conversation, but I'm not ashamed, I wasn't the one who committed the abuse and since I have had this self belief that I was not to blame I have taken total control of my sexual relationship with myself in relationships I have had since. The strange thing is since I have dealt with this major issue I no longer endure pain during intercourse and don't swell up so badly that I felt uncomfortable for days after (this had no relation to the size of my ex's manhood lol) I couldn't even relax enough to allow him to play with my clit as it hurt so much. I do believe that all of this was psychosematic (probably spelt wrong!)
I hope that this information has helped and I wish you forever sexual gratification and happiness...Let those feelings be free so that you can let go x all the best
...............................
|
