A
male
age
36-40,
*rott
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year and we've been living together for six months. We came together very passionately and have spent our time together whenever possible, almost to the exclusion of other friends.I encouraged her to keep in touch with friends, though. She did keep an IM conversation with her ex and I was OK with that. I think it is good to have out in the open. She did start to become more secretive though and after we had been living together for a couple of months her ex did drive 2 hours to visit while I was out of town, but she did not tell me until I pried a bit. I'm sure that there was nothing improper, but I felt a bit betrayed at her not being open about it. I told her it's OK if she just tells me. A little while later she deleted him from all her contacts.Recently, I notice some change in her behavior. She will be mock violent with me or push me away. Hugs are often with her body turned slightly away. Kisses often are just lip contact and no deeper.She has a few male chat friends who she chats a LOT with. She's been secretive, always turning her laptop back to work stuff when I come near. She is very jealous and has snooped on my messages in the past. I felt terrible about it, but I sneeked a peek at her chat when she steps away.She has denied meeting these friends even when I suggest it would be good to stay in touch. However, it looks like when she was at her parents and "went for a walk" she was meeting friends and drinking and partying. From the chat, it doesn't appear to be anything romantic yet although the chat with one friend is starting to become a little more affectionate.I feel like I've been lied to, but I haven't confronted her because I don't know what to do next. Is it possible to have trust in the relationship after lies?What would you do?
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male
reader, brott +, writes (3 September 2013):
brott is verified as being by the original poster of the question So far things seem to be friendship only, although one possibly has crossed into an emotional affair, but not physical.I'm OK with male friends but not an "emotional affair" and definitely not lies. That's my biggest question: How to handle lies? Especially lies about something that seems innocent. Why?There are two main contacts:"A" is a guy who does know about me, even though he has said he wants to be her boyfriend on numerous occasions. He's very flirtatious, but my GF does not respond, or responds jokingly."B" is a guy with whom she texts the most now. I don't think she has told him I exist. EG. she refers to cleaning up "my" bedroom or "my" place, or telling him she went somewhere but not mentioning it was with me (she does tell "A" this). "B" is maybe less overt and his come-ons are in a more joking way. However, my GF does seem to be more flirty and affectionate with him.I feel if I reveal what I know, I might be wrong about things and ruin our normally wonderful relationship. I'm waiting a bit to be sure. It's a bit hard to think straight when you become suspicious. Also, I'm hoping I can figure out how to deal with a loved-one lying to me.Everyone has been a great help. Thanks!
A
male
reader, Boost  +, writes (2 September 2013):
I am having an extremely similar situation to yourself and posted on here. Taking the advice from others I would talk to her. However if she is anything like my g/f I would make sure it's a decent time as late in the evening after work causes more problems than it solves. I'm getting the same closing texts when I walk in a room, only opening the home screen so she can see the name and not the text then replying as I get up and move. The meeting an ex sounds odd unless they were originally a friend. I'm still friends with an ex I knew her for a few years before we got together but the break up was mutual as neither of us could give it what it deserved but I still speak to her. Meeting up with them as we are friends no problem, however I wouldn't keep my g/f in the dark or lie about it as I have nothing to hide. So your g/f mentioning it after it happened and when you were away looks suspicious. If you ask her about it she will probably say she thought you'd have an issue with it. However if nothing was to happen with that person why would you have an issue is what I would ask her. Just sit her down at a convenient time when she has no distraction and tell her how her behaviour looks ask her to be honest about it and why what ever is going on is going on. If you think what she's saying is not the truth make sure you say so the last thing you want is to be made a fool of. If she proves its nothing then say you'd like her to be honest if she's meeting a guy friend. I personally have no problem with girls having guy friends and vice versa however being secretive about them makes an innocent situation look very bad indeed. If you have nothing to hide why hide it? The trust however is a very long process to rebuild and there's no set way to rebuild or length of time. That is something she will have to deal with. No more giving her the benefit of the doubt as the only person that will benefit is her. Hope I helped
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A
male
reader, brott +, writes (2 September 2013):
brott is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has strong fear of abandonment stemming from childhood. I think I'm the first boyfriend she's had who has been able to express love and support. I understand that I don't fit the pattern or her family background, so it is hard for her to accept my love. It hames sense that having the other guys around would be a way for her to feel wanted when she fears being abandoned by me.
After she had read my messages, I just respond by leaving my phone and tablet around where she can go ahead and snoop if she wants. Being open has helped, but she's not yet as open.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (2 September 2013):
You're dating a girl with trust issues. Because she thinks you are going to cheat, she's surrounding herself with guys that want to sleep with her to "protect" herself. So, if she's not cheating now (no offense, but "she would never do that" is not true when you're being deceived) then she will as soon as you cheat or as soon as you two break up.
That's the type of girl she is and there really isn't anything you can do about it other than have her go to therapy to work on her issues.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (1 September 2013):
 Trust takes ages to build but once broken is very hard to get back.You're suspicious of her behaviour and I can see why but snooping is never the right thing to do.I have always believed that people treat others as they themselves are behaving and have yet to be proved wrong.Although confronted with suspicious behaviour you are still believing the best of your g/f. This is because you hold her to the same standards you hold yourself.She is snooping through your stuff and is jealous, why? because she is probably doing (or wanting to do)the things that she is accusing you of.I don't condone you looking at her chat messages when she stepped away but I think I would have had a tough time not looking if I was in your shoes. That said there was nothing detrimental there and compared to how secretive she's been I think she deliberately left it open as she knew there was nothing incriminating there.All the signs, on both sides, indicate that all is not well in this relationship.I don't know if your g/f is playing around but she clearly isn't content and neither are you.You need to sit down with her and have an open and honest discussion about what you both really want and how you both feel. Only then can you truly know what future you have.I wish you well AB x
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