A
male
age
41-50,
*r toyboy
writes:My life is in turmoil right now and i have no one to talk to. My girlfriend of 4 years just found out she is 2 months pregnant and because she feels her life is not where it should be right now, she wants to have an abortion. I have a post grad degree, have a job in IT. She does not have a degree but studying towards one while working.We both got our own cars, she got her own flat while i have mine. I feel like am ready but she said shes not, instead we should focus on getting engaged by Dec as planned. Its really put both of us under pressure and i dont know if i can forgive her for this.On top of all these, my Dad just told me he is hiv +.I really need some advise as am so burdened with all these stress.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): I believe that where unplanned pregnancy is involved, the pregnancy should only be followed through if BOTH people want it. If only one person wants it and the other doesn't, then the default should be to end the pregnancy because that is keeping the status quo which is no-baby, it would be as if the pregnancy didn't happen. the exception is if the partner who wants the baby is willing to take full responsibility for it and absolve the one who doesn't want it, of all legal obligations. You make choices for your life according to your wishes (by insisting you want the baby in your life), then you should allow your dissenting partner to similarly make choices for themselves (which is to not have the baby in their lives). It's just wrong to force your partner into going along with your choice to become a parent. Wanting the status quo (to not have a baby), though, is OK because that's what it was before, it is not forcing a change onto an unwilling partner. the problem is that for many couples with unplanned pregnancy where one partner wants to continue the pregnancy and the other doesn't, the one who wants the baby also wants the unwilling partner to go along with it. That's selfish because it's trying to force the other partner into conforming to your life choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I am glad you have been supportive of your girlfriend's decision. Please make sure you both alert the doctor to any emotional changes or side-effects from use of any new birth control prescriptions, if that will be your form of contraception. You still share half the responsibility.
Your father's dilemma is the prime example of why people should use condoms in the practice of safe-sex. AIDS is not a gay disease. The use of protection is recommended if you don't know your partner's HIV status, or have sex with people who have frequent sex with anonymous partners.
They may infect the innocent, and unknowingly spread the disease to many more victims. People should also be tested if they have different sex partners, or often have casual sex.
You must now try to forgive your father. He has to live with the tragedy he caused by his deeds. He has reached his karma; but you are still his son. It is best to be on good terms under the circumstances. Regrets over what should have been said and done, once the situation cannot be changed, will last you a life-time.
May you continue to find your peace.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy +, writes (3 September 2013):
mr toyboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the words of wisdom. @ WiseOwie, i appreciate your insight. Even though i cant sleep at night, i know i ll get past this. My gf has done the abortion yesyerday as i drove her to the hospital myself.
We ve decided to go for counselling to help us cope better. We also going to look for a more reliable contraceptive, while strengthening our relationship.
As for my dad, i think with time i ll get to accept it.
I just feel betrayed as my step mum died 5 years ago and it was covered up as something else, while she actually died of aids, which my father now has and only telling me now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 September 2013):
 Just a reminder.... You write: "...Its really put both of us under pressure and i dont know if i can forgive her for this.."
Were you aware that YOU contributed to her pregnancy?????
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): Lets start with your father's diagnosis. His doctor has probably started him on medication. If he does not have full-blown AIDS; but he is positive for the virus, the drugs will help to contain the virus.
He must follow his doctor's orders to the letter, and he can continue to have a long and full life. He must also take precautions and practice safe-sex, if he is still married; or if he is still sexually active.
You now know he is positive, if you are not familiar with the disease; then you should read up about it to educate yourself against unfounded fears.
I believe women have a right to decide what to do with their bodies. If they have an unwanted pregnancy; it is their decision to carry the child through to birth, or to abort. You didn't take the necessary precautions to avoid an unplanned pregnancy, and left it in her hands. In effect, you also left it up to her what to do about it.
Rushing into marriage when both parties are not ready will doom it from the start.
She has her life planned out according to her own needs. You are where you want to be, and got there according to your own plan. It is her right to do the same.
I hope she will decide to keep the baby; however, she must weight her options, and decide if she is ready for motherhood at this point in her life. She may make a last minute decision. She is weighing it carefully; if she hasn't taken any action thus far.
Don't hesitate to encourage her, but do not pressure her, to keep the baby. If she knows that she has your full support; and that you will not abandon her at a critical time in her life, she may decide not to abort. If she thinks raising a child will seriously delay her plans; no amount of pressure will change her mind. She just isn't ready.
I think getting more data on living with HIV will avert a lot of the anxiety you have about your father. That is, if it is his health you are most concerned about. If you are concerned about how he got it, you are crying over spilled milk. It doesn't matter. It is what it is.
Talk with him and let him know how you feel. See how he feels. He will surely give you solace and you can help him by just being there and forming no judgements. He may also give you advice on how to deal with your dilemma concerning the pregnancy. Delay discussion on that just for the time being.
I wouldn't quite lay that on him right-away; he has to come to terms with his own problems right now.
If your girlfriend decides to terminate the pregnancy, just realize it is not an easy choice for a woman. It will be with her for the rest of her natural life. It isn't something she can just do and forget about it. You had equal responsibility in using a condom to prevent pregnancy, and you obviously didn't choose to. Now deal with whatever choice she decides to make.
Meditate, pray, and just get yourself away from things just to think. You can't resolve things by worrying. You adapt your mind to the situation, and come up with ways to cope.
Most people let problems overwhelm them; because they foolishly give in to hopelessness. Throw their hands up in defeat. Wallow in self-pity. How weak and pitiful.
Daily life prepares you for crisis; so use the tools you have.
Like any obstacle, you just figure out how to get over it, under it, or just go through it. It is a test of your fortitude and resourcefulness. Such is life. You have maturity and experience to your advantage.
You'll get through it all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): You should certainly talk to your girlfriend about her wanting an abortion. BUT do not try to guilt trip her or shame her for wanting one. Find out her fears and get her to warm up to you. However, it is her decision and her body regardless of the fact that you're the father of the child she is bearing.
Don't try to convince her that her motherly instincts will kick in after she has the child. If she's not prepared to be a mother, she's not prepared. That's it.
What exactly did your girlfriend do that you can't forgive her?
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (1 September 2013):
 Tell your girlfriend how much you want this baby. Why have the engagement in December? Why not propose to her now? I would also recommend counselling - either individual or couples counselling to help you to navigate through this tough time in your life.
Being HIV+ is not a death sentence these days. The treatments offered now can prolong your life to a ripe old age, and being HIV+ does not mean he has full blown AIDS. He might not even get it. Educate yourself on the disease and you will realize that all you have to do is get over the antiquated stigma attached to this disease.
The way I see it is that you are dealing with the fear of loss. Loss of your baby and loss of your father. Open up and talk to your girlfriend about this. Share your burden with her. Seek comfort in her.
I've always found that shedding light on your fears always make them less threatening and stressful. By shedding light I mean by getting emotional support through friends, counselling and a site like this. Don't limit yourself to just one source of support. Join a support group either online or locally for people living with HIV.
Find out what your girlfriend's fears are about having a baby at this time in her life. Perhaps you can help her to work through her fears too. Don't alienate her. Get closer to her. You both need each other now more than before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): "I don't know if I can forgive her for this" I'm sorry but ultimately it's her decision, yes she should be taking u into account and discussing it with u. You cannot push someone into having a baby when she is not ready for it. She will only grow to resent u! What if she takes post natal depression as a result of this? U need to sit down and talk about it but realistically if she doesn't want to have a child right now there's nothing u can do. I hope everything works out for u both x
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