A
female
age
41-50,
*issL
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. We have a successful business together and work very closely. We are also best friends, lovers, and recently just about to discuss marriage. He always told me he was in love with me and made me feel that i was 'the one', and i gave him all of myself too. Certain events in the last few weeks, however, put doubt in my mind - i.e. finding porn on his computer, discovering that he had an account on x-tube. Lastnight, my gut feeling made me look through the 'History' of his PC. A website called 'Adult Friend Finder' came up and I logged in by cracking his password. To my dismay, he had created a profile looking for a 'discreet relationship to have sex with 1/2/3 women at a time'. This profile was created 2 years ago and whilst there is no activity on it, I am extremely devastated and shocked. It is clear that he was looking for sex with other women. He claims that this happened a long time ago and he loves me. If you really love someone, would you do this to him/her?
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female
reader, MissL +, writes (21 October 2007):
MissL is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your responses. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I haven't ended our relationship yet. As i said, it is a little more complicated than a normal relationship because of our business partnership. I am learning everyday as i am trying to cope with my situation. Trust is indeed something that you can't just buy back. Time will tell.
A
female
reader, Yogichickk  +, writes (15 October 2007):
 I have a similar situation. What I think happened to us is that after dedicating himself to me for a while, he lost some interest and started supplementing our relationship with online cams. He says he's done it before me. He says he is faithful to me. Obviously, online sex is not a big deal to him. And, of course, because I would not like it, he did it without me/my knowledge/my approval and got caught like a bad dog who does something forbidden. What is he going to do but deny because he does CARE about this relationship?! He is just not that sophisticated when it comes to it. He needs reeducation and strict rules. All of us want a dream relationship. How many of us are lucky to have it? I admit in my relationship sex is a painful issue but we are working on it. Have you tried working on it with him? I love everything about my partner except issues we are having in the bedroom because of his lack of focus. But he says he's made progress. To him the progress is huge. To me, it's nothing because i am normal and he is sick. But he wants to be healthy and have a healthy relationship with me. I am giving my guy a chance. Well, I won't trust him the same way naive people trust because I am not naive. Checks and balances, baby. What I am really trying to say is that, although, you love and hate your guy, don't be quick to get rid of him because it may happen so that you may have a great relationship from this day forward now that he came clean with you (because you caught him). But still, hopefully, he will want to address his issues and work on it as long as you don't dump him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): Firstly, Tommy...you weren't being 'beat up' here. How you respond to another's Aunt's opposing point of view is your 'choice' as to how your interpret that. No need to be 'pissy' and 'defensive'. I merely needed you to know, that telling the poster that he was just 'curious' did not help her pain and sorrow, at what her man has done. He messed up-he may made a clear, adult choice to emotionally cheat. He may not have physically cheated but his psychological intent was there. She found the evidence.
Sweety, hotmail/msn messenger requires a person to either "accept" or "block/delete" a new contact who asking to to be accepted. The telling thing here is, if he accepts a new contact she must have to know his hotmail e-mail address to do this, in the first place before she make such a request.. How one of these girls would get his e-mail address to begin with, would have to explained to you, by him. Now, in the messenger window, if these female contact names were on his list, then he has accepted them. If you spoke to one of them, she has neither been blocked or deleted. For some inexplicable reason, he left them on his contact list.
My conclusion: And here it is and I could get any more straightforward. Your guy doesn't appear to want to be totally monogamous. He wants to build his ego on how many women he can get to notice him, be it online or otherwise. Telling you he loves you while 'attempting' to be unfaithful is not the behaviors of a loving, committed man and if he's capable of lying to you then he's probably going to be continuing his cheating behaviors at some point, in your future. It will be very, very hard to trust the guy who does this to make himself feel good about himself. When men are in a really, good quality relationships and they have to do this, it means he is ego-driven and many men like this can't love a woman. They don't have an inkling about love..because simply put---they don't love themselves. They need that constant ego fix. You will have to decide what you can live with and if this relationship is salvagable or gather up your pride and walk away. But either way you must face this head on or find a way out of an unhappy situation that will likely lay waste to your spirit and your self-worth,in your future. Your bf needs to learn that people must be held accountable for their stupid choices. Just don't give up your values to hold on to somebody, you have lost trust for. That would be a sin against 'you'. Look after yourself. Good luck hun and I hope you find the strength. I wish you well, hun and please..take care.
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A
female
reader, MissL +, writes (15 October 2007):
MissL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIris and all the girls here, thank you for your support. Tommy, I also appreciate seeing things from your point of view but i hadn't mentioned his history before? Before meeting me, he had a rough time breaking up with his ex (of about 6 years) - due to him physically cheating & sleeping with another woman. Back then, he was only 23/24 years old & they even lost their property as a result of their split. The emotional and financial trauma caused by his actions apparetnly taught him a good lesson & he repeatedly told me that he would never cheat again on anyone as the pain caused is not worth it. Tommy, knowing his past now, would you be concerned of his internet activities? I feel that virutal sex is just the first step towards physical sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): i'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. i've been in the same situation with my bf & i've been with him for 6 yrs. last thursday told him not to come home after finding more crap on his laptop.
i just want to say to you that with msn people don't just turn up on your list you have to add them as least my son has to & if they did just appear then you can delete them just as easy, & block them from contacting you. if someone wanted to add you to their friends list a message would pop up then you can add them or not they can't just add you.
if he is really playing you for a fool you can find out by getting hold of spector pro and check out all his computer activity without him knowing. i did. it will tell you any chat/email activity, snap shots of pages they look at, login details & web activity & he would never know.that way if you need to confront him again you have evidence & he won't be able to b***s**t you. like mine tried to do for many years.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (14 October 2007):
I see I'm being beat up the others on this question. Maybe I'm wrong to equate internet surfing with contact to the opposite sex different than direct physical contact. I guess I'm wrong to equate it with just looking or flirting in person. I still feel MissL may live to regret her over reaction. I think she should talk it out with him. Shame on me.
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A
female
reader, MissL +, writes (14 October 2007):
MissL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause of our business partnership, i cannot leave him tomorrow like my heart is telling me to. We had a discussion this afternoon and he said - 'it's you that I love and i don't remember even creating that profile...it was two years ago...but i will make it up to you! What do you want me to do to make it up to you?'. I said, 'I want you change the way i am feeling now...how are you going to do that?' He said he didn't know but was going to try hard to get my trust back.
Update -: tonight, my gut feeling told me to log into his 'other' MSN messager. I found about 4 foreign usernames on his 'friend list' and clicked on their profile. These names were like delick, sweetlips...You get the idea. Funny enough, one of them came online & I commenced having a conversation with this person. He/she said 'i kinda missed you...and our conversations' I asked 'when was the last time we spoke...i forgot' - this person said 'last week'. Enough said.
It is 3am, and i have just rung my bf to inform him of what i have discovered & he was really mad. He is denying that he has ever spoken to any of these people and he doesn't even know how they got onto his friend list. He says that I have a serious problem & i am digging for all excuses to leave him now.
Does anyone use hotmail messenger? Do you get alot of strangers invite you to be friends? He is claiming doesn't know them and they just appeared on his list.
I am just so devastated and i am shaking all over. All these things have happened overnight and so quickly. I am just pouring this out of my system. Thank you for listening.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): No. You would not do this to someone you love. In todays world it is very easy and increasingly common to get involved in this sort of thing via the internet, but that does not justify it in any way. People seem to think it's somehow less significant as 'everyone's' doing it and it's become so common (internet porn, profiles, cybersex, etc). In my opinion, if you're in a relationship, it is being completely unfaithful and disrespectful towards your partner. This man obviously hasn't loved you enough to want an exclusive relationship. If I were you, I would definitely move on, as hard as it may be. Would you really want to be with someone who was (is?) looking for a 'discreet relationship to have sex with 1/2/3 women at a time'? I'm so sorry, you must be so sad, I hope you're heart will mend itself soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): "He's probably innocent of any bad activity. His error is being too curious."
Tommy, assuming this man is in his 30's, like the poster...I would think he can use some self-restraint and control in regards to his internet activities and where his thinking goes. Curiosity is something adolescent boys would do because of the immaturity and lack of control. This poster's bf is an adult male and he is being upheld to a higher standard in her relationship and he failed her greatly. There has got to be something very skewed in a adult man's character to take such a risk with a long term, committed, good relationship. Lets stop coming up with stupid excuses for other people's stupid damaging behaviors and the pain they cause loved one's. He made a stupid, stupid choice-one based on lack of caring for her. Noe he deals with the consequences of being caught. What a price to pay for one lack of thinking and allowing 'curiosity' to drive their poor behaviors. Lives get damaged and relationships are blown up. Choices, I say..be careful how you make them and think long and hard before 'curisority' gets the better of you
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (14 October 2007):
He's probably inocent of any bad activity. His error is being too curious. Many of those sites make you join just to look around. You should know him well enough to know if he is being faithful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): No. It's OK to be curious but he just trespassed the limits of curiosity by posting an ad of that nature. It doesn't matter how long ago was it posted. Clearly in those 14 months he never felt the least bit guilty b/c he didn't erase it. I know it's terrible when YOU KNOW YOU HAVE to break up with somebody b/c you can't trust him anymore but not b/c you stopped loving him. It's almost as if this person dumped you out of the blue. The same feelings of rejection and surprise. I think you must act now and begin with the next phase of your life without him. If you don't do this he might lose respect for you. Your long term goal should be to forgive him, keep walking and heal.Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): He's been with you for 10 years and one of these profiles was created 2 years ago? If you've always thought your relationship was rock solid, realize it isn't nor wasn't because this is a wake-up call. In a nutshell, he has not been "partnered." 100% of the time...but you were, weren't you. What a shocking discovery of betrayal for you and I am so sorry. There is no excuse for this. Your bf was and/or is planning to get out on the internet to troll for women and look for sexual excitement be it cybersex or real-life. Both possibilities may have became realities...you will never know for sure.
A few stats I found is that 43 percent of internet users have engaged in some form of virtual humping. Of the committed folks who have an online relationships, 31 percent eventually meet their virtual paramour in real life. So be aware. The core foundation of trust has been shattered because the psychological implications in my view is, cheating, on his part. I always have believed that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a partner up to no good. I hope he says not a word about how you discovered this indiscretion of his. Because, no matter how you cracked his password and invaded his privacy, you stand your ground against any BS thrown your way. X-tube, Adult Friend Finder...all explicit casual sex dating sites and his profiles speak loud and clear on how he invaded the domain of your relationship and crumbled its protective boundaries, in the first place. You sensed he was up to something. Spying does not damage the relationship. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt,..from all this if is can be healed. So make him own up to what he did.
You have some big thinking to do here. Do you stay or go? Only you can decide that. Relationship counselling will help you with trust building being the main focus because this will be a huge issue in the future of this relationship, especially for you. And he should seek some help for a possible sexual compulsion problem. Or maybe this is just a hidden, deep skewed character issue in him, that you never knew about. Gosh, how this must have come as a shock! What a self-involved s**t! (sorry, but I am feeling so badly for you) For him to have deeply shaken this relationship by acting out tells me he has a problem...a huge one and you have to make the decision if you can live with that and support him through it. It will take time, efforts and a lot of tears to get through this crap. Please stay well and be strong. I wish you luck, dear and take care.
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