A
female
age
51-59,
*ellagirl20
writes:I'm in my mid 40s and I met an amazing man of the same age. We actually went to public school together but recently connected through facebook. We've had three fantastic dates over a period of 2 months and are clearly attracted to one another. We've shared a few kisses but no sex which is great as I don't want to rush things. He has a son who is 10 and I have a son who is 11 so we have lots in common. I've been single since February and he has been single since March. I left my common law relationship but his wife left him! He told me the other night that he wanted to take things slow as he needed to learn to trust a woman again. He said in the past he has rushed into relationships and gotten burned (two failed marriages and each time he was dumped). He also said he can't rush into anything because of his son and he wants to make sure before introducing him to anyone new. I totally understand as I too have a son! I am a very responsible mother and I would never introduce my son to someone I wasn't serious about. I have a great job and recently bought my own home.What bothered me in our discussion was that he said if there were other people I wanted to date that I should go ahead and date them. I don't want to... that's not my style. I really like this man and I would like to continue to pursue a relationship with him and slow is good... I get it. How do I let him know that I'm not out to hurt him? Should I just go with the flow and not read a lot into this? He is such a gentleman and very kind. I know he isn't a player. What brought on the conversation was he came over on the weekend and we had some drinks and nibbles. I asked him to stay over at my house so that he could have a couple (more)drinks and not have to worry about driving home. I was just being considerate. He said he had to be up very early the next morning for work and that if he stayed, he probably wouldn't get much sleep so he turned me down and then I got the speech about taking it slow. Should I just relax and just chalk it up as him trying to be a gentleman and not wanting to rush into it? It's just that ever since being turned down... I feel miserable and I don't know why? Arrgghhhhh......
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female
reader, bellagirl20 +, writes (24 August 2011):
bellagirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy is it that a woman's advice is to wait for him to make contact but a man says to go ahead and contact him to let him know I'm thinking about him?! Does it really matter in this day and age? As a woman I want to wait for him to contact me so that I know he is thinking about me but I'm so very anxious to contact him to see how he is doing. I know I won't be able to see him for a couple of weeks and that is okay but it's just nice to have communication. Now whether or not I start the communication is the question. I know that I am overthinking all of this and being a Virgo definitely doesn't help as we are known worriers. I'm more relaxed today and feel better about the entire situation. Our evening together ended very nicely with a hug and a kiss. The fact that he couldn't stay and wants to take it slow should not be so agonizing. I'm happy that he isn't treating me like a piece of meat because a lot of men can't wait to get a woman into bed. I just need to RELAX! I need to take care of me first and foremost so that I can be the mother I need to be for my wonderful son. I guess if my relationship with this man is meant to be... it will be. I just want him so badly as he is everything I ever wanted.... tall, dark, handsome, successful, kind, gentle, courteous, sweet, funny, etc etc. I'm not a religious person but GOD give me strength!!! Cheers!
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 Go ahead and contact him whenever you feel like it. Keep it to the point - call to set up a date, or a time to meet him, or else just send a text to let him know he's on your mind. Guys don't tend to be as enthusiastic about just talking on the phone, so keep it face-to-face.
The nervous feeling is natural. It's an aversion to potential loss, your body's way of reacting to your emotions and keeping you focused. Just don't overdo it. If you aren't feeling confident, just fake it until you feel better. Channel that energy toward something productive - you mentioned you can't bring him a lunch, but you could definitely use your imagination and your knowledge of his specific situation to come up with something. Be creative!
Lastly, don't be embarrassed about needing advice at any age. No one's perfect, and it's all anonymous besides. Just keep your eyes open and try to learn as much as you can from your own experience while you're at it.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 as you have come out of a major relationship yourself i think you have become very accustomed to having someone in your life but you need to respect this guys space right now, take a step back and don't crowd him. let him come to you in his own time and then you will know its coz he wants to and not out of a sense of obligation or having been chased into a corner by you. as long as he is not using you or lying to you then he really is doing nothing wrong.
*sigh* i'd like to be 25 too!
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A
female
reader, bellagirl20 +, writes (23 August 2011):
bellagirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all three of you for your supportive answers. You've made me feel much better. Although I still have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach... why? My relationship recently ended recently after 9 years together. Maybe it's a little easier for me as I am the one who left but I too do not want to get hurt and maybe this is why I'm feeling the way I do. Obviously I'm hoping that one day I will meet the man of my dreams or my soul mate and live a long happy life together. Isn't that what most people want... to find a partner that they can love and trust? I know this could be the man and I don't want to blow it!! I will give him his space and I too need my space after having ended a long relationship. We both have young children and of course we have to be very careful on how we proceed... I understand. I wish I could show up at his work with a nice picnic lunch as suggested but he works shift work and is on the road for most of that time. I will be patient and see what happens. I don't want to scare him away. Like I said, I am in my mid 40s and I can't believe that I am asking for dating/relationship advice! I feel silly and naive but I'm not. I'm an attractive, strong, independent woman and right now I feel very vulnerable and insecure and I don't like it. I know the rules... but I don't want to play any games! I'm not used to this... Another question: Since this discussion between my friend and I, should I wait for him to contact me or is it okay for me to say hi to him? Does a man these days really care? How silly that I should even have to ask such a question right?! Ohhh to be 25 again... Cheers!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): I have to answer this, because at the start of my relationship almost the exact same thing happened to me! My partner and I had enjoyed two or three dates: there was a spark there, but he was really shy and didn't make a move (not even a kiss!). I didn't know what to think. Then, we went for a long romantic walk, followed by a romantic meal, and went back to my place... and he gave me a speech about 'wanting to see more of me, but to take it slow'. I gave him a quick goodnight kiss, and he left. I honestly felt a bit rejected. Didn't he want me? Was he just not that interested? I really did wonder whether to bother with any more dates, or whether I was just totally wasting my time.Fortunately, I persisted. As I got to know him better, I realized he'd come out of a really bad (abusive) relationship two years before. He'd then had several bad short relationships where he'd been cast aside. He was actually far more worried than I was about getting hurt in the future. I suspect exactly the same is true of your guy - having had a wife walk out on him, he probably is finding it hard to trust anyone again. It's actually very laudable and honest of him to be straight with you about this, and taking it slow is definitely a good plan for both of you right now. I know we're preprogrammed by the romantic crap we get fed on TV to think that relationships should start in a whirlwind of roses and romance, but honestly, that's like constructing a building on sand. Giving each other time to heal from the past, and learning to be together and to trust each other in real life might feel a bit odd, but you're both actually digging deep foundations for a future life together by doing so. So while it might superficially seem a sign that it's not keen, he's actually doing his level best to ensure that you guys have a long term future together. Given that you both have kids, whose feelings will be really involved in all of this, it's the only really responsible course of action. Further, you say he's a real gentleman. I definitely recommend that you sit back and enjoy that. Part of my problem at the start of my relationship was that I expected this guy basically to molest me immediately on being given anything remotely resembling a green light - and when he actually treated me like a human being, instead of being grateful for that, I wondered whether he was serious and whether I was attractive. What does that say about how we see ourselves as women? It's a crazy way of thinking! ENJOY the fact that you've met a guy who doesn't treat you as just a piece of meat!I don't think he's serious about the 'date other guys' thing - my feeling is that right now, he's still experiencing the aftermath of huge hurt, and learning to trust again. He's wisely not promising anything, or setting any timetables for that. My best advice - be patient, be emotionally calm and steady, and be faithful, and be clear with him that this is what you are doing. Keep seeing each other regularly. He will know very soon that you are not out to hurt him, and you will be able to move things to the next level emotionally in confidence that it's the right thing for both the pair of you and your children.My partner and I have now been living together for 2 years. We are engaged, and getting married next year, and we're both really, really happy. I hope the same is true of you in the future! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 August 2011):
When a guy says you can date other men, it's a sign that he is deeply hurt by his last experience with a woman. He either assumes you'll already be seeing other guys anyway, or he feels like you'll leave if he tries to put any pressure on you at all (probably not both at once, though; he sounds like the former).
Feeling down after being denied sex is normal. Women don't experience that as often as men, and I've found that telling a woman you don't want to sleep with her (for any reason, or any length of time) tends to make her upset - she takes it personally, almost as an insult. It's not anything about you, he really means that he wants to take it slow and that he needed sleep for work, that's it.
Your best bet is to reach out to him - but do it right. Under no circumstances should you try to convince him of your intentions or trustworthiness by just telling him about it. Talk is cheap. Instead, plan and set up a date with him, taking him out instead of being taken out. When you go for a walk with him, stop somewhere semi-private just to kiss him for a minute, then move on as normal. Show up at his work one day to drop off a hot lunch. Little things like that can really make an impression on a guy, and speed the process of developing trust and investment in you.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 August 2011):
his wife only left him a matter of months ago so i can understand why he wants a bit of time, free of a relationship to get his head together and devote more emotional time to his son for the time being. it sounds like he just values you more as a friend right now, whether this will develop into more in the future is anyones guess. he is doing the right thing by you, some blokes would promise you all-sorts just so that you would warm up his ex wifes side of the bed. i think he sounds a nice guy so don't blow this by rushing him.
he says you are free to go with other men, i know this is a blow coz i had it said to me once and i really didn't know how to take it! it was not what i wanted to do either, do i pretty much didn't. looking back now though i think it was just his way of saying that he didn't know if the relationship would come to anything and he did not want me to put all my eggs into the one basket. i think this is what your man probably means too. but what you need to know is - does this mean that HE will be dating around too?? you don't have to go with other guys just coz he has given you permission, if you do not want him to go with other women though you need to discuss this with him. get his honest answer and then decide if you think this guy is worth pinning any hopes onto
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