A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 41 year old married woman for 16 years. I got my husband into swinging then I began an longtime affair for over 10 years. I do not want to swing anymore. I just recently stopped my affair within the last year, my husband is still a swinger and has multiple women he's in relationships with, I feel like I have caused soo much turmoil in my marriage be because he tells me I just wanna control him. I'm at the point where I feel like I can't satisfy him or I feel enjoys all these other women more than me. I think swinging was the worst mistake of our lives. I can't sleep at nite because I'm constantly checking his phone to see what new woman he's dealing with. He doesn't lie about the other women but I just can't handle I feel such low self esteem, unattractive, non sexual etc. he acts as if though he enjoys sex with me and I mean the world to him he tries to reassure me that the other women mean nothing to him, I just feel so stupid like I'm allowing him to have his cake ice cream and eat it. I allow it but I'm very insecure about and am thinking about divorce it's very hard to handle my entire day is consumed with who he's sleeping with he jus seems so connected with all these other women. Please help am I stupid for staying ?
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affair, divorce, insecure, married woman, self esteem, swinging Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2013):
 OP I don't see it as infidelity if you both had prior consent from the other to be open... there were no lies and no cheating... so it's not being unfaithful.
It's hard for folks not in the lifestyle to get this.
I had to learn to define cheating as ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your spouse. This included things about MONEY, hobbies, etc. IT was not just about partners of the opposite sex.
I hope counseling helps. I hope that no matter what happens with your marriage that you can find peace with your decision. I have seen many MANY marriages that were BAD break up when folks added swinging to their life to try to fix it. THAT never works. I truly thought we were immune from that because we married while already in the lifestyle... but as I learned all the rules have to apply EQUALLY to everyone.
If you have changed your mind (and you have a right to do so) and no longer wish to share and you have communicated that to your spouse and he does not respect that want and refuses to give up the lifestyle then sadly your options are limited.
I TRIED to save my last marriage. Every thing I offered to my then husband was met with resistance... I finally realized that he was using the difference in our wants of the lifestyle to get out of a marriage that he was not truly 100% happy about. It was very painful for me to realize I was NOT enough for this guy. I still grieve the loss of this marriage more than any other....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all the great sound advice from everyone. I am definitely goin to take the advice of scheduling to see a therapist. Thank you solo much you all have helped me a great deal in dealing with this situation, because I have No one that I can express this to because none of my friends or family members know, they are aware of both of our infedelity but dnt know it was two consenting adults. I will keep everyone updated.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 July 2013):
 It definitely sounds like you want to change the rules to your marriage. At first, it sounds like you gave him a free pass to have sex with other women. Swinging usually means it is mutual -- you have a boyfriend, he has a girlfriend. It is usually all above board and both parties agree to continue or discontinue it.
However, since you've stopped, your husband is operating under the assumption that he is still free to have sex with anyone he wants. He is playing by the old rules or has given himself more leeway into how he interprets the rules. Once given a free pass, many men will use it liberally.
If you haven't done so already, I think it is time for you to talk with your husband and set down some "new" rules. Based upon that discussion, I think you'll have a basis as to where you'll go next... If he continues to see other women, then the choice you'll have to make is pretty simple.
Not many couples can handle swinging and sadly many wind up in similar situations to yours. Hopefully your husband will realize what he stands to lose and see things your way.
You may also want to consider seeing a therapist -- on your own. I think you are long overdue to work on your self-esteem.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I think SVC have great advice.
Swinging can work for some couples (but it's rare ). At some point in time one of the people in the marriage/relationship are "done" with it and the other is not. It's kind of like quitting drugs and living with a junkie. Not healthy at all.
I would honestly sit him down and talk. Though you can't really hold it against him if he wants to keep the lifestyle going. It "worked" for 10 years for the two of you and now that YOU are done - he should automatically be done too?
I think it's time to get your ducks in a row, be able to support yourself and then divorce him. You will drive yourself nuts if you stay.
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A
female
reader, theres_always_a_loophole +, writes (9 July 2013):
 No, I don't think you're stupid. Your self esteem is in the toilet and why wouldn't it be? In general, I think swinging is a bad idea because it causes too much jealousy, and there's always the possibility that one of the people involved in the marriage will fall for one of their lovers.
Tell him you're not happy. Tell him you regret your decision to become swingers to start with. Ask him to stop. If he doesn't, then you have no choice but to leave. Otherwise you will never feel any better about yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2013):
I have been there done that.
my ex husband and I got into swinging because I felt it was ok to be open that way and knew he needed the ego stroke of more than just me.
guess what, it ruined our marriage because when I added a boy toy he could not cope with the jealousy but he did not want to give up his girlfriends.
He left (he wanted out of the marriage and wanted me to be the bad guy who "forced" him to leave....
he remarried almost immediately and does not swing.
I married the 'boy toy' and while I am bisexual and our sex life sucks we do not share.
I do know of at least 3 very long term couples that have been swingers for over 20 years each and their marriages thrive on it. But it's NOT for everyone.
I would leave. You are not happy. He does NOT care about your needs or wants. IF you have told him you want out of the lifestyle and he says NO... you have one choice and that is to leave.
it may wake him up... but don't count on it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I don't think you are stupid for staying because it's very hard to leave a marriage when you still love someone but I do think your marriage is more or less over because your husband will not quit swinging.
It's a done deal that if you ask him to stop, he's going to say no. So you have to take things to the next level and tell him you'd like to discuss getting divorced and moving on with your life.
The altrnative is to stay and accept his infidelity...but we see that is already destroying you!
I don't think you will be the last marriage destroyed by swinging. People are very blase when they get into it, thinking it won't affect them, but inevitably human beings cannot handle the jealousy and competition and so things fall apart.
If you are working, save some money and go see a divorce lawyer for advice. Tell your husband that the end is approaching and that he needs to get his finances in order because one of you is leaving.
I am sorry this happened to you, but that's what happens when you play with fire!
Good luck and I hope you find peace soon.
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