A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 35, had a few relationships in the past, lived with someone for 5 years but never felt like settling down and we split a few years ago and I've dated casually since. 6 months ago I met someone who is incredible, she works in the same field as me, we have a lot in common, a fantastic sex life and I'd never been so happy or attracted to someone both physically and mentally, I proposed last month and she moved in with me.I'm fairly successful, I earn really good money, have a 4 bedroom house, prestige car and I'm very secure financially with no ties. She had said that she walked away from her ex after 10 years, many of those years being unhappy. She left him with the house and rented her own place whilst she got on her feet, didn't try to force the sale of the house but has had to instruct lawyers to get off the mortgage. She has said she left in Oct 2013, we met in June 2014.Over the months we have had many conversations, some have been around professional qualifications, to which she said she had gained a degree in IT (a 2-1) and some around her previous house which she co-owned as was a large house with a significant mortgage. She has gone on several times about how nice it was.I'm now freaking out, just out of the blue I started looking at past photos, googling her name and looking at some of the files she'd uploaded to the home computer. 3 things just don't add up:1 - there's a picture of her ex and her at a Christmas family meal in 2013 (Dec) even though she'd said they split up. The date on the file and a newspaper in the picture confirm this.2 - I have searched to see where she lived, via Internet Records and paid for a few searches, it a very poor flat worth 20% of what she said there house was worth. Her previous address on the passport and home files confirm that this is where they lived, I Google-Earthed it and her car is outside. A couple of photos on our PC show what looks like the inside of a flat and not a house.3 - I am now doubting that she has a degree, she started work before she would have graduated, her CV doesn't mention a degree and she doesn't even know what type of degree she has (Bachelors etc). Her online profile (LinkedIn) doesn't mention a degree either.The above may seem crazy or I may just seem incredibly naive however she is very well presented and now has a good job (recently promoted). She has 100 staff working for her. I don't care about financial standing or education but I do care about honesty. I have read that people sometimes start these as white lies as they feel inadequate however the lie grows and they get in deeper.The question is should I confront her about this, if so how do I do it? Am I wrong for looking into this in so much detail? Should I just let it go? We are due to marry and I do need to be sure. I love her but I need to know if these are lies and if they are I have no idea what else she has lied about. Its playing on my mind 24/7.Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (23 January 2015):
 You said "paid for a few searches" which is what I meant by hiring, I worded it poorly.
I think you've got the right idea about the important lies.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Reply from orginal posted:Thank you all - some really good comments and I appreciate your help. First off I didn't hire anyone to do any of these "investiations" I just used Google for a few hours.The reason I started looking was that she would very frequently mention how nice her house was, the fact that they had a home office, big garden, double garage etc - I was curious as to how nice the house was, what the area was like etc.I have no reason to believe she has seen her ex, she hates him and it was a nasty break up. She has not made contact in 2014 except through solicitors. The other two lies just got me thinging so I dag through old photo's. I suspected that she left early 2014 looking at other sources of information.I'm going to try and leave it alone for this weekend, its the wrong time in the month to bring up anything emonitional. I have dropped a few hints though and I think she suspects that something is up. I'll be talking to her the weekend, I've deceded to forget the lie about when she left her ex, its not relevent. However the other 2 lies do need to be discussed and aired out.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 January 2015):
 I'm another one who applauds doing a background check on the public records of someone you'll be potentially joining your household to! Those "background checks" check public information, not private information.
"Spying" would be checking credit rating, bank records, breaking into your girlfriend's phone or hacking their email, texts, or sneaking into their house to look through paperwork, or cracking into her private online medical history.
Google earthing a past residence, checking the internet footprint, LinkedIn, whether or not they were married, checking for a criminal history (absolutely you do not want to marry a secret registered pedophile) and the like is to be COMMENDED. All of that is public, and marrying someone is one of the biggest personal and financial decisions of your life.
It's pretty obvious that she puffed up her past to try to impress you, like many people who lie on their job applications to get a better job, hoping that the employer won't actually verify past employment or a college degree.
Lying on a job application will get even a stellar employee terminated on the spot, and honesty IS the benchmark for relationships. That's one reason why at the 6 month mark, you moved too fast, thinking about your personal loneliness with a hint of your penis, moved forward rashly in proposing too quickly and are now finding red flags you should have seen before moving in together.
I'm also with Honeypie -- WHO can't remember their major?? That's like breathing! Any readers on here who were in the military, if I asked them their rank (rating) and where they were stationed along with their regiment and qualifications, could answer back in their sleep in excruciating detail! I personally can remember my major, my minor, and my teachers in my most important fields of study. I remember what I wrote my thesis on, what my biggest arguments were, and my best accomplishments in college. I can think about these things and remember the ramen and water i'd eat as a poor college student, and hear my roommate coming through the door, feeling sorry for me, and sharing her popcorn with me at 2:30am as I studied (I had the best roommate!).
You confront her by showing the evidence, not just talking to her. Show her the Google Earth pictures, show her the newspaper pictures, and tell her what you plan to do in response to the lies. You caught her, and you did it clean and honorable without breaking her trust or invading her privacy.
Before you do that, you need to decide what you're going to do about the lies. She misrepresented herself to you profoundly, meaning her lies were ongoing and significant enough to question whether the woman you fell in love with was a mirage or not.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (23 January 2015):
I agree with Honeypie, but I also think it's very risky to get engaged after only 6 months because you couldn't possibly even be close to knowing the person inside out, unless you've been good friends for a few years or so.I don't have a problem with *a* background check, but I think it's a matter of respect and trust to ask the person first, and make a decision based on their answer. What if you did it without asking, like this time, and they had experienced a tragic moment in their past (not their fault) that they weren't quite ready to talk to you about yet, but you happened to dig it up in your extensive "private eye" session? I just think that would be violating the privacy of someone you claim to love, even ready for marriage in this case.I think you need to find out why she lied and figure out if it's something you can work with together or not, but I'd strongly advise asking before carrying out a background check (past just a criminal record check) because it's rude and disrespectful not to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2015):
 By the way, I see NOTHING wrong in doing a background check on someone you are dating and potentially going to marry. Na DA!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): She's even lying about seeing the ex at Christmas.
She is dishonest. Period.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2015):
Beefing up a CV for work, is "normal", but outright lying and continue to lie about these things to someone you are going to marry? I find that a bit questionable, because if she LIES about where she lived, her education, WHAT else did she lie about.
And she claims to have a degree, but can't remember in what or what kind? Say what? MOST people I know, who hold one OR more degrees have no problem telling you in what. And I have NEVER met anyone who didn't add a degree to their CV. Even if the field they work in has NOTHING to do with their degree.
Now, she might not have MEANT to deceive you, I think she wanted you to see her as an EQUAL with EQUAL status and "rank" so to speak. However, if she KEPT building the lie into more lies to make herself look like a better "catch" in your eyes, I think she failed. Because SOMETHING made you question her and check her out.
EVERYONE lies. It's a fact. Most prefer to do with omissions. As in, they leave things out or avoid the subject, glaze it over and switch subjects. You know what I mean. BUT if you want a person to SEE you and LOVE you for WHO you are, then lying is NOT a good thing.
I DO think you should sit her down and talk to her. She might be upset that YOU didn't trust her word, that you checked her out, but IF she is a smart lady she will own her "white lies". I say that because you are NOT going to be able to "just let it go". Do consider, that you might also have told some... almost truths to make YOU look better. So air it all out.
I would also suggest you talk finances with her, make sure she isn't up to her eyeballs in debt/bad credit. Specially if you are going to marry.
Last thing though, HOW important are the "misinformation" OVERALL that she gave you. Did she lie about the IMPORTANT stuff? She is a habitual liar? I think it would be a mistake to NOT talk about it. UNLESS you like to share your life with someone who may or may not be telling you the truth + that huge pink elephant that lingers.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (22 January 2015):
 Yes, as you say, clearly she felt inadequate, and needed you to be more impressed so that she was your "equal." This is a woman who is clearly very insecure and ashamed. I can't imagine the shame she would feel if you confront her, but that is a consequence of her actions.
I do think there is something wrong in the fact that you felt the need to do so much research on her. What caused that impulse? Curiosity with her pictures or more? I do see it as a concern that she probably lied about when she was with her ex. Why would she lie about that? Maybe just to make you feel better about her distance from him, hopefully nothing worse. Was the picture romantic or could there be another explanation?
If you tell her all the research you did, it will no doubt open a can to other conversations and I'm not sure the relationship will ever be restored. I think you do need to know the truth about her. She has lied very indepthly about pretty basic things. I mean, these are things that go on something as simple as a resume or lease application. If you do, you may want to include only one aspect you recovered and give her a chance to bring out the rest.
Someone who lies do extravagantly must be a habitual , pathological liar. There's no guessing what else she's lied about.
How important IS honesty to you? You will be the judge of your compatability with her, and if this can be survived. But no I do not think you should so quickly marry a woman who you KNOW nothing about. You may think you know, but at this point, you can only speculate.
What other lies do you think she gas told you just to keep you? Things you have in common? Her passions and values? Ethical boundaries? Is she personality mirroring? Is she ANYTHING she wanted you to think?
These are questions which have to be answered. If they can't, how can you progress? Please send updates if possible.
~Sy
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (22 January 2015):
You should break up. She may have lied because of feeling inadequate, but you SPIED ON HER! You HIRED someone to dig up dirt on the woman you claim to want to be with for the rest of your life! Whether shes lied or not, it wouldn't remotely excuse you treating her like a criminal by doing a background check, even doing "detective" work by looking at the date on a newspaper in the picture!
You've only been together for 6 months, so you've both been rushing things, but you just ask her calmly when the last time she saw her ex was and, if she lies, you can tell her what you know and how, then break up. If she tells the truth, you own up about what you did. Either way, you've disrespected her in a HUGE way and I'd be surprised if anyone wanted to stay with you after that MASSIVE violation of privacy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): You can't really marry someone you don't trust. Seems to me she is a compulsive liar. Do you want to be with a compulsive liar? A fake?
I'm sure she is a wonderful person despite but then again....she is a liar. That's a huge personality flaw. You will need to question EVERYTHING she says. Up to you if you can live with someone like that.
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