A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met an incredible man 2 months ago, and he is so amazing to me, he is kind, funny, smart, giving, thoughtful, considerate, hard working, and on top of that, he's handy, he cooks for me, and is adorable and handsome. I'm extremely lucky.Things have moved really fast for us, by our 4th date we had established our exclusivity and long term intentions. Our first day as a couple we went winter jacket shopping for him, and then had a quick bite as I had a dinner to attend. The next weekend, we were suppose to go to a Christmas Market but he had to work late on the weekend, and the following day, we went more winter jacket shopping for him and went to his friends bday party. Then I went home for Christmas Vacation for 3 weeks. We both work a lot on the weekdays, and I am really selfish with my weekends, as it is my only free time, I need to unwind. Since I have been back, he is always inviting me to hang out with him and his friends, bday parties, dinners. This weekend, he has a friend visiting from out of time and would like me to join him, he then has a bday party I said I would go to. I told him how I felt, that I feel like we are like an instant married couple. I mean, we had our first date where we went out for drinks, our second date we went for coffee, our third date we went for dinner and dessert, our fourth date he invited me for a home cooked meal with him and his friend where we established we were in a relationship. Since then, we have done errants, gone to Ikea (which was great, he built me a shelf and put in lights for me), met up with his friends, we at least had dinner once with my really good friends, and then really just stayed home because it's winter and cold, and we are tired after work. I told him that i want to date. I want to do things, and I don't want to miss out in the beginning of the relationship.... he said he doesn't want that to just be the beginning of a relationship, the doing things part, he wants us to do things all the time, but time hasn't really allowed for it, and when there is free time he has these events he is obligated to go to, because friends are in town, or friends birthdays, and I am, in a way, feeling detached from the relationship because there hasn't been a dating part.I have explained it to him and he sort of understands, there are cultural differences I suppose, in North America there is more of a dating culture, a one on one culture, and he is from Italy, I think there's a lot of group dating, and instant relationship there. His previous gfs did not have many friends so they always hung on to him, but I have a lot of friend and I really like my free time, so the fact that he includes me in his life is sweet, but it's too much for me right now, I really value my space, and I need to be eased in to it as I have been single for 2 years. Does anyone understand my point of view? How important is the dating part of the relationship? He woos me with his amazing character, he picked me up at the airport with a dozen long stem roses, last night he cooked me dinner and brought it to me because I was working late and I was tired. I explained to him I want to do things, and I know at the moment, this is beyond his control, I ideally would like him to plan things, as this is what I am used to, but this is not what he is used to. It feels comfortable too fast, and I was falling for him but now, he is so amazing, somehow I am unsatisfied.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): You said, there is a LACK OF PASSION??
Then girl there's nothing for you here. If the passion is not there, then that's it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): You sound very reasonable. Just let him know what you want. Don't feel uncomfortable about expressing your opinions and attending to your own personal obligations. Don't try to read his mind. Keep communication, open and I think things might workout. Even if they don't, you're still entitled to make your own choices.
Good luck to both of you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think what triggered me today, because I am a tempestuous shrew, is that, I already told him I did not really want to go out for dinner on Friday, I work late and am tired and i honestly need some time to unwind, so he can feel free to go out with his friend. His idea was that I go out for dinner with them, and we can skip the after party and him and I just go out for drinks after dinner. I had originally said I would go out on Saturday to his friends bday party. Anyway, after this discussion, he said he would only see me Sunday, and we will see where we go from there. I also want to see my friends. So I felt, if he is doing things with his friends, I can do things with my friends, since I haven't seen them in a while. His point is that, these are not events he has a choice in attending, he wants me to be there so we can spend time together. I guess I understand that, people visiting from out of town, bday parties, but since I haven't seen my friends in a while, I would want to see my friends. I guess it shouldn't have been a big deal, except I felt torn about it, because I felt bad by saying no. And I am uncomfortable with saying no, but then I really dont want to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have pretty much told him what I have told you guys.I adore him so much, he is so wonderful to me and I know how blessed I am to have him in my life.Thank you so much for trying to understand me, as I am still trying to understand myself and why I am not yet in love with such an amazing man. Yes! IT is too early for LOVE, I do not want anyone else but him, and he does everything that makes me fall in love, but it just became too comfortable too quickly. He talks about marriage, and moving in together, and future plans, and he does dream aloud and some of it does scare me, because he makes all these future plans, and we haven't been able to plan near future plans, just the two of us. He makes so much effort! He does everything right, and listens and understands, and is loving, and caring. Maybe the one thing that is lacking, may be a physical passion. Our first two dates, he kissed me passionately, and we made out in public like teenagers. That has not happened since because in fact he is against PDA, maybe that contributes to the feeling of an old married couple. I think i am actually used to guys who make the plans and then invite me to them. That is what i am used to. I am used to guys crazy about me and super romantic. He is super sweet, but he wants us to make plans together. Which is great, I just kind of want him to plan it and tell me. Your situation with your current partner sounds so sweet and wonderful. He sounds so selfless. I was chatting with my best friend, and she said, my guy also, just wants to share his life with me, and include me in his life, and be in my life, where as, I want to have my life, and then be with him when I can. I can only say this is new to me for so long, but it is the truth, in my life I have probably had 20 months of being in a relationship experience. Besides that I have been alone, and living life along and as I please. I had grown to really enjoy it. So it is hard for me to start to accept having a partner, where as he, he has had 3 long term relationships, and is much more experienced in being a boyfriend. I am a great friend, but I am only learning how to be a good, selfless girlfriend. And I have a hard time telling him what he wants, because I am super slow with sorting out my own feelings. I should embrace everything new that comes with a life with someone, but I am so slow to change. I want to feel everything for this guy. Somehow, something is preventing me, even though I know he is so amazing and incredible. To me, i am thinking maybe it is because we haven't had dates like a normal beginning of a relationship, I said, i am foolish, because there is no right and wrong way to fall in love, but somehow, something is missing for me. For him, being with me on the couch, is perfection. I love it as well, I loved going to ikea, making dinner for us while he put my new ceiling lights in that he bought for me, what an amazing man... but the fact that we went from 4 dates, to - errands, errands, couch date, errands, friend get togethers, 3 weeks of distance, couch date, couch date, friend get togethers, errands - you know, we are lounging around in our pj's at home, he doesn't want me to wear make up, we wake up and kiss, such a dream come true of an intimate relationship, but it happened too fast??????? (is that such thing?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Tell him what you told us. Why haven't you? You say he's an amazing guy; so if you haven't had time to be swooned...tell him! It's far too soon to use the word love, and don't be afraid to tell him so. If you weren't ready to commit, why did you? Don't be scared. It's always a risk, but don't compare one relationship to the other. Different people, different circumstances. The outcome is based on whom you're with. You can sabotage what you have, if your don't out failure out of your mind.
You have every right to expect a guy to court you and woo your affections. I didn't say anything to the contrary.
I just think you're not used to having a guy be crazy about you in that way, and you're scared. I think if he took you on dates and ya-dah ya-dah ya-dah; you'll still be scared and keep comparing it to when "such and such" went wrong. That was then. This is now. Live in the present.
If you want some romantic time alone, take him by both hands; look into his eyes and tell him lets sloooow it down. You want one on one time; so you get a chance to catch up with him. I know he'll understand.
I always speak of my old relationship. Here's something about the person I seeing now. I always put myself in the OP's shoes before I send them a response. If I can't, I don't bother responding. You can't give advice if you don't know what they feel and why. Here my own experience, tell me what you think.
The guy I'm seeing is pretty no-nonsense. Good looking, owns his own business,and successful. Works with his hands. I'm lay-back, a care-taker by nature. A humanitarian. I'm very empathic and I can't stop trying to help people. My friends call me all day long, I keep in-touch with my family, and I also volunteer my time. I was all over the place, and he took my laptop out of my hands one day and wrapped his arms around me and told me to pay attention. I know what he wants, but he doesn't know what I want. I'm seldom at a loss for words. As you can tell. He does a lot of wonderful things for me, and he includes me; because he has been imagining what it would be like to do all the things he likes and share it with someone. That's because he had to do it alone for so long. I never complain, because I already picked up on that.
He was right, I never told him what I wanted. I was so happy to learn and experience something new and different I didn't spend a lot of time in my head like I usually do. I love adventure, and he provides it.
I told him that all I wanted was someone to feel free, and to be willing to give me whatever they could to show me how they felt about me. He teared up. He said I'm weird, and no one ever said that to him before. So we sat and we talked and now he knows.
Take him in your arms and tell him what you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay I re-read what I wrote, and it is a bit jumble mess.To summarize.I have the world's most perfect, loving, understanding boyfriend.We had 4 dates and then became boyfriend and girlfriend and since then, have had no romantic dates, but he has treated me with so much love and respect. He is dying to tell me he loves me, and for reasons I am trying to figure out, I am not ready yet, I thought I was falling in love but I am not sure now. And i am thinking it is because we skipped a dating part, the exciting part that comes with a new relationship. We went from, drinks, coffee, dinner, dinner - MARRIAGE. And that sort of freaks me out. I WANT TO LOVE HIM, but something is preventing me and i am not sure why I don't love him yet. I think it's because we never dated and that is why it is so important to me, because right now, our time is spent at home together, running errands, or being with friends. There has been US time, but like an old married couple. He loves it, me, I am not there yet. I don't want to lose him, but it is happening too fast for me. Does this make sense?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that I am scared - because he is ready to say he LOVES me, and he has been hinting at it a lot, and even said, he wants to say it to me, but only until I say it. And i am feeling that he has all the qualities that I LOVE and ADORE and am truly lucky and blessed to have him in his life, but to me, the fact is that things are happening a bit fast, and it freaks me out a bit, only because the fact is that, the last few times things happened fast, it ended up dissolving. Now to him, this is slow building, because he goes from the heat of the sun intensity, and then cools down, he said with me it is slow building and sustainable. Now where as he gives me all the attention and love and understanding that I need, to me, it happened too fast. So maybe I am a bit freaked out, maybe cause when it has happened fast it didn't work out. It might not be fast to me, but it's still fast to me, and that has me freaked out. You know, I am used to meeting someone, and then dating for a bit and then getting closer. I mean upon our 4th date we were girlfriend boyfriend and then doing errands together. Which is great, but since then, we've never had a date date. So am I really an ungrateful brat, who has the world's perfect boyfriend, and dissatisfied cus I only got 3 dates out of it. Well, 3 dates and then 4th date of home cooked meal with his friends. I really think about what I want, and what is important, are dates really that important? Somehow, to me, it is just what I am used to, and I try to reason with myself, but I am not happy with having 3/4 dates and then being married. I know he said we will do things, but because it has not happened yet, I still feel the way that I do.
I feel terrible. I do. Because he is amazing and yet, I want some stupid dates??? What is wrong with me????? The excitement, the unknown, the newness that comes in a real relationship, that part was skipped and went straight to marriage, which ultimately is the goal, I just know if it continues to be so comfortable I will resent it. And where is it that says a man must take a woman on dates, I don't know, but it is what I have been used to, and i am sorry that that has been my experience. He is frustrated with me because he feels we have already talked about it but I still feel this. To be honest, I want to be in love with him, and I should be, because he is everything I am looking for, but I think, because I skipped the dates, I don't know............ GUYS?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): He sounds like a great catch if you ask me! I'm a single woman, pass him over my way if you're not happy! Seriously though, just take a step back from what you wrote and read it as if you were someone else. He seems to be doing whatever he can to please you, he's being thoughtful and helpful, putting up shelves for you and cooking when you are busy, he's romantic with flowers, he wants you to meet his friends and he has a good job so he won't be trying to sponge off you like a lot of loser guys I have met/dated in the past. Just try to relax and enjoy the time you DO spend together and go with the flow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): Reading your post, it sounds like you're dating my boyfriend!!! That isn't possible, because he's gay.
You have been independent for quite sometime. You will easily slip into a routine, and it's hard to fit others into your schedule. I have to say, you sound like you're a bit ungrateful. If you read these posts regularly, you'll see how many poor women are looking for what you've found.
Now I'm beginning to believe it must be true what my single straight male friends say. "You can't please some women for trying; and you can break your back to be what they want, and they'll find a reason to complain!" I don't know if there is even a smidgen of truth in that; but you're certainly an example.
He is a very understanding guy, and all you have to do is talk to him.
If you just want a little me-time, simply promise him you'll make it up to him. Just make sure that when you decide to pump the breaks; you don't find something else to complain about. He seems to be a wonderful guy. He's opening up your social circle, being very inclusive, and showing you he enjoys sharing your company.
I would think sitting at home all night is more like being married. What he is doing is being the perfect boyfriend.
He's doing exactly what a boyfriend is supposed to do. Perhaps that's foreign to you!
Sharing activities and socializing with groups is healthy and nutritional for a budding relationship. We spend far too much time in isolation and attached to our digital devices these days. A little more social interaction with others is awesome.
Establish open communication now. Just don't be a party-pooper; or you'll find yourself wishing you hadn't spoiled it when you had it. You haven't been together very long, and keeping things lively at the beginning gives you a lot of options. You're learning about the type of people he associates with, they are getting to know you, and you no longer have to wonder what to do; because he keeps things lively and fun.
I guess such is the life I'm most accustomed to. I'm much older than you, and I still enjoy the concerts, meeting his friends and colleagues, watching him play baseball, shooting hoops with his buddies; and just sharing our weekends is such a alternative to just working at home, or sulking about my own problems. He gives me energy and I enjoy the fact I seem to fit so easily into his world and he into mine. You need to be flexible, and it will all taper off anyway. He's fairly popular, and perhaps that's what you're not accustomed to.
I guarantee, if he's more than you can handle; there are dozens upon dozens of women, who wouldn't have a problem dealing with what he has to offer.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 January 2015):
I think what we have here is just an issue of time. I believe that every other thing can be dealt with and worked out. The guy is obviously doing his best and includes you in his activities. For him, this is dating. For you, it might feel like there is a certain absence of just "the two of you".
I think you feel pressured to do the things he wants to do because you feel bad by saying no. I don't think he intends for you to feel like this and I think he will understand if you tell him no. But be sure to remember that yes, it is your time but you should be making effort to spend time with him. You can make plans for the both of you, where he can do plans that usually involve social things, it can be an interesting balance for the both of you.
The point is, you are in a relationship now and you need to break out of this idea that there is a lack of time for yourself. This is a mindset you are placing yourself in due to being single for 2yrs. Yes, he might be moving fast but he is keeping his respect for you. You feel unsatisfied, but what are you doing to make it work for the both you? I don't see any thing you have suggested to make plans for just the both of you.
My advice would be to take some control of the relationship and even though you are speaking up, which is good, take some control as well.
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