A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear People,I would like some advice on some marriage problems I am facing, which have peaked since having my 2nd baby, 3 weeks ago.I am recovering from a brutal c-section - my second - and still in immense pain. Husbamd is generally a good man and does what he can for the family/kids…but he never offers me any support. He never seems to cope when I am in pain or unwell…and often gets very angry at me when I am 'below par'.We have been married for 6 years and have a 2 year old and a 3 week old. 6 months ago, I lost my darling mum suddenly, and am now officially an orphan ;-(. Mum died early on in my 2nd pregnancy, and it has been immensely tough for me. We have no other family support. In laws don't speak with me and try to break up hubby and I, plus they live abroad and if they were here, I would be even more upset as his mum is very cruel to me.My c section has been so much more painful this time that I am still unable to walk properly and i so much pain, still taking strong painkillers. For this reason, getting up at night is virtually impossible (I'm still in a lot of pain just to turn in bed!), and I cannot lift my 2 year old at all. So, the pressure has been on hubby to step up, which he has and has been doing a good job.But what I find hurtful is his resentful attitude to me. He tells me daily that 'I do nothing' whilst 'he does everything'. This is so untrue as I am still doing what I can, and it is I who has given up my life, my body, my wellbeing, and my secure financial future (I was in a great job) to be the stay at home mum, so they he could continue his independence and still go to work and have a life outside the home.But he insists on putting me down when I am pretty much at the lowest point in my life. I miss my darling mum even mores now I have just given birth to a beautiful daughter. And being in this kind of pain with no one to show you love (the kind of love your mum can give you), is just heartbreaking. On top of that, having my husband ridicule me and watch me crying in pain but offer me no sympathy is just unreal.For the record it was hubby who desperately wanted kids, so we decided to have them, on the basis that he would do his fair share in looking after them and not just treat me like a baby-breeding machine. He does do his fair share (has stepped up since I am so ill at the mo), but not without great anger and resentment.The other day, he pushed me because he was just angry at me. And I was in so much pain from my c section…I cried and told him how could he do something like that. He argued it was 'just a push' and 'he would never hit me'.I'm all over the place emotionally right now and think about divorcing him every day, although I don't know how that will work in reality. And right now, being so physically immobile, I cannot really be the strong woman I am usually.Am I being unreasonable to expect a little tlc after everything I a going through? Forgot to say that in the weeks running up to the birth, I had to be in hospital and was very lonely and upset. Hubby didn't visit that often and didn't even call much. He tells me he was too busy with the 2 year old, and 'I was lucky to be resting while he had to do everything'.I sacrifice everything for him and my kids and I am so fed up of his 'poor me' attitude.Please advise.Thanks,Mrs very lonely. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): Thank you for all your replies. I am the original poster of this question. I don't know what to make of husband. He is usually great but he is never good when I am sick. It is like he can't cope and has been finding it difficult coping with our 2 year old (who is well behaved and a happy boy) and our newborn girl, without any outside help, and with me being in so much pain after c section and unable to do much right now. In response to a suggestion here, I do show I am grateful for what he does and I do often tell him I love him (up to the pushing incident, that is), but I find it hard that he can love me yet physically let anger impact on me when things don't go his way. His parents are the same in how they brought him up, and whilst it's no excuse, he just doesn't see this behaviour in himself. He had never hit nor pushed me before this last pregnancy. He is still yet to hit me. . .Everyone (all friends and neighbours) think he is so amazing, which he is most of the time. They would not believe he could get physically angry at me in the way he does. Just after posting my question on this site, I decided to write to him (he is a bad listener), and explained all the upset he had caused me and how I felt from my perspective. He read this email in front of me and broke down, ending up having a panic attack. He suffers panic attacks whenever he thinks I could leave him or if he has done something wrong. His panic attack was so bad that I had to help him to breathe and calm down. He then cried to me, saying how sorry he was and that he must be a horrible person. At that moment I felt sorry for him and was at least relieved he finally showed some real remorse, so I decided to forgive him and try and move on.We were doing great until tonight. I was starting to feel a bit better for the first time since surgery so I cooked us dinner and washed up etc and let him rest a little. Later on when breastfeeding the newborn, I asked him to help me remove my trainers as I was busy with the little one and unable to do this. He was angry as he thought i was treating him like a slave, but physically I can't bend even for pain! So he yanked my shoe off so hard, causing my leg to be pulled in the air and pain to my incision. He knows that this would have caused me pain. I was angry with him and told him to leave me alone. He then kept telling me he was sorry. But I realise he is a bit of a jekyll and hyde. When he is stressed, he takes everything out on me and fails to consider what I am going through at all. To another comment that i may have a low self esteem, I assure you that my self esteem is high (in the sense that I know i don't deserve to be anyone's punchbag in any way, shape or firm). I am also grateful for the family I have and love my 2 children immensely. I also love my husband when he is nice to me. I am in no way feeling sorry for myself, even though I mourn my mum. I am happy around my kids. And anyone who has been orphaned at a young age will understand the loss of no one of a higher being to turn to for guidance or support. However I don't pity myself nor neglect having a relationship with my kids or husband because I am now an orphan. That is just a sad fact that I have to deal with. Not sure how to go forward with marriage but options are very limited, especially with a 3 week old baby and my limited health right now, let alone my not working at the mo to take care of the kids. I can't tell the health visitor for fear they may try to take my kids away and one thing i am is a fantastic mum, and he is a fantastic dad. I just don't know how to get him to uncross this line he has crossed. Any more help out there? Thanks again to All.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): I have read your story and I do feel sorry for you about this incident when your Husband pushed you. But I must ask if you did anything to make your husband pushed you to this point? I am not giving your husband any reason to have done this, as I condemn this act. I am simply trying to figure out if you neglected your husband or whether you have made him feel that he is not enough since the loss of your mum? 'Like the previous post, if you withdraw yourself like an orphan, don't be surprise if he ignores you...'I think your husband needs you as a wife and if he is feeling neglected and has to do all the work looking after children plus work without any help, it is hard for him to cope. I may be wrong with your situation, but if you are not showing love and appreciation as a wife, you will not be getting much of it either from your husband who would feel he is doing a lot to cope with children and work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Sorry if this seems slightly off topic, but I honestly believe some men instinctively start picking on a woman when they know she has no-one else around to support her. I'm not saying they do it consciously - it's not like they sit and think it through and make a decision to act badly towards you, but some men just start behaving like this when they can sense a woman is low and unsupported. It's a bit like, somewhere inside them they start to see you as low value because they don't see anyone else valuing you and they don't have it in them to be the one 'leading' how you should be treated. It took me years to figure this out because I was in a very, very similar situation to you some time ago. What also needs to be taken into account is possible low self esteem. If you've had knock backs and hurtful experiences and have even willingly made sacrifices (like giving up a great job) this reduces your self esteem. Losing your Mum, giving up a job that would have given you pride in yourself and going through a very painful operation AND having no other family support and only put-downs from his family will all reduce your self esteem. Some men don't have the sensitivity to know how to value a woman and raise her esteem, they just instinctively start to despise her. And given that his family are so horrible to you, in many ways this is the kind of message that he's received and learned to abide by ie. "don't look too deep into things, just think of yourself and put down the other person if they cause you any inconvenience" .Both his family and he sound like shallow, selfish, unempathetic people.If you carry on like this you will create a downward spiral where your low self esteem only makes him despise you more. He might go through the dutiful motions of trying to help but this is only a superficial action, it doesn't go very deep.I'd implore you to get in touch with your healthworker or midwife immediately and tell them straight away how much pain you are in and that your husband has pushed you. YOu MUST start to build a support network for yourself and the hardest part is starting, especially when your immobilised by pain. But you MUST start to do this.I'd also urge you to really think long and hard about staying with this man, who sounds horrible and weak as a person. He doesn't appreciate you and won't value your strengths enough to see you winning in life. He'll just drag you down with him. For now, make that initial contact with your healthworker and once you are pain free, start to think and take action to rebuild your life - whether it's alone or with him, what's obvious is that his true nature is coming out in this time of crisis. He's not fully stepping up - if he was he would do the work uncomplainingly AND somehow get both of you extra help. The first step for abusers is to isolate their victim from others - and this has already happened anyway. Do not stay isolated.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 January 2015):
 not only are you struggling with the loss of your mom (I am sorry for that) i lost my mom at age 35. Men do not get it and women who did not lose their mom early (before menopause in my opinion) don't get that.
you are full of post baby hormones (normal for all moms)
and you are suffering from the recovery of MAJOR surgery. IF he had his belly cut open on multiple levels and had a 5-8 pound tumor removed he'd still be doubled over whimpering on the couch wouldn't he? PEOPLE who have not had c-sections don't get what it's like I've had two)
I had an easy delivery with my second but I did get some post-partum depression with him later on. watch for that a few months down the road too...
Is there a nurse or health worker or doctor or lactation consultant that you can enlist some help from to EXPLAIN this to him. OFTEN husbands are hearing impaired when it comes to wives but will listen to it from an "authority figure"
Pushing you three weeks after major surgery is bad. very bad... pushing you at all EVER is bad... my incision was open for over 6 weeks after my second baby.
I would be very concerned that he can't cope with what he has taken on and will continue to deteriorate in his coping skills.
IF he has poor stress management then you AND the children may be unsafe staying wit him. Pushing is the first step. then a shove, then a slap, then a punch... trust me on this one too.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 January 2015):
Is your husband british or from a totally different culture? It could be helpful to know as some cultures expect women to do everything and have very little understanding of the new mums pain and discomfort or other difficulties. In any case your husband is being selfish and unreasonable
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 January 2015):
Hello There,
Congrats on your 2nd baby :) And I pray you have a speedy recovery.
As for you husband and pain... He is a man and he loves you. The problem is...exactly those two things. Men fix things. That is how we are built. Your pain, he cannot fix, and he does not know how to even go about fixing it. This frustrates him, as he is way outside his comfort zone. Give him something to do. Rub your back, your belly, something, because watching you in pain and having no way to help is freaking him out.
Remind him that he wanted kids. Remind him that he must set the example for HIS kids as a good and loving father. Letting the kids see him treat mommy badly will not set a good example for the kids. If he is doing a good job, thank him for doing his part. Men like to be reassured that what they are doing is helpful.
He knows how to fix the baby if she has a dirty diaper, but you are not that simple. Instead of trying to move around...ASK for his help. Lean on him. Give him a kiss on the cheek and a thank you for helping me. He is your husband, treat him like one. You are not in this alone. And talk...always talk.
Get that thought out of your head about being an Orphan...How could you even say that when you have two kids and a husband in your life? An orphan has no one, and you saying that implies you are in this world alone. Your mother, has done her job, and now it's time for you to show what she has taught you. Switch that around...Husband's mom pass on, and he start acting like he is an orphan...How do you think you would react??? Probably just the way he is acting out.
I understand the love you have for your mother...rest her soul. But when someone dies, you do not have the right to die with them. You give thanks to GOD for the time your had with them, and you step up and carry on where she left off. Maybe you can create the same bond with one or both of your kids, just like you had with your mom, and they can do the same with their kids and so on. See, it not a lost. She step out of the way so you could shine. Hard to become the queen if the queen is still there. :)
So as much as you blame your husband for his lack of TLC, You also need to give it to get it. Treat him the way you want to be treated and he will give it back. Withdraw yourself like an orphan, and don't be surprise if he ignores you.
It takes two people in any marriage to cause a problem in their own marriage. Learn the problem...Understand the problem...fix the problem.
Talk...Talk...Talk
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