A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I found suggestive texts between him and her, flirting, goading, and daring one another, sexually explicit inuendoes that really hurt my feelings.Previously asked him to stop her sending innapropriate 'rude' jokes to him, but he chose to ignore that, and totally disrespect my feeelings by taking her rude jokes up to another level!!Well, he's made an effort to communicate after a whole week...but not to say sorry.. to say how astounded he was at my reaction on finding his texts!! and as to the 'viciousness' of my attack. (I threw his phone, and raged at her over the phone). Apparently I 'misunderstood' the 'banter' between them, and that it is the same banter that him and I share with our close friends C and G. (I;ve never shared such explicit banter with them, and any cheekiness is shared, we are, all four involved!!!) According to him it is all in my mind!!! He wants to know why I was ' snooping', whether I can control my jealousy, can I trust him? whether I can stop checking up on him and questioning his relationship with his 'platonic friends'?Most worrying is that he adds that he is uncomfortable 'sleeping with one eye open, in fear of me going in through the night to stab him!' ( I always said that if I caught him cheeting, I'd cut hid knob off!) So, why is it worrying him if it's innocent????? To finish, he wrote...'your future is in your hands, think wisely before you make decisions that have massive repercussions for both of us'..Oh, and he does say, in the middle of his long letter, that he loves me...but nowhere does he appologise for hurting me?????Surely I deserve an appology???Honest advice appreciated please..
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
Lose him. You asked him not to flirt with this woman and send her explicit texts because it was hurting you. He didn't stop. So he's not worth your time. Don't wait around for an apology either, you won't get one. He's going to lay the blame at your door whatever happens. Don't be blackmailed. There are other guys out there. Hope that helps.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I disagree with the sentiment that you have a right to snoop. Actually, no you don't. It is a grotesque behaviour which is NOT socially acceptable, despite how common it may be.
I'm not sure you do have a right to expect an apology. As someone else stated, you have not allowed up enough details (aside from your feelings) to provide us an opportunity to see this situation wholly. Whether one is deserved or not, it doesn’t appear one will be forthcoming. I am not sure what value an apology would hold if you had to convince someone to give it to you, anyway.
You've made yourself sounds like a vicious, suspicious, jealous and irrational person, which may or may not be a result of not providing a full background here.
Engaging in his behaviour was wrong. I will give you that. However, my gut tells me this relationship has no foundation of trust and mutual respect, whether deserved or not. While he may not be the type who inspires trust, it could also be that you come into relationships hard-wired to over-react and be suspicious.
I suggest you respond with honesty and hope for both your sakes that response may be written similarly to what is written below:
“Thank you for clarifying your perspective. I admit that my reaction may have been over-reacting, but it obvious you knew I would be hurt if I knew how you were communicating with (the girl’s name), and did it anyway.
“Commitment is not just demonstrated between the players in a couple, it is demonstrated in how we behave with other people. After this situation, I will not be able to trust you to display to the outside world that your heart is committed to me and have doubts that it is.
“As our relationship is not built upon a foundation of trust or mutual respect, it is best that we move on.
“I wish you luck in your future.”
After ending the relationship, I recommend you look into yourself and see what can be done about moving beyond invading personal privacy and volatile behaviour before getting involved with someone else.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): seems like your hb /boyfriend ( you don't mention what he is) has placed the blame solely on you. you have every right to so call snoop. why shouldn't you, you have done nothing wrong, you are merely looking after your best interest.
this guy is manipulating you and blaming you. yes it is time to make a firm decision, do you want someone like him, conniving and manipulating in your life. someone caught with his pants down yet turns around and blames you for snooping. get rid of him once and for all.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I always think that if you distrust someone to the extent that you feel the need to check up on them, like looking through their mobile phone, or keeping an eye on them in social situations, then you have a big problem in the relationship. No trust and no respect means there's no real love. I also think that jealousy in a relationship between a man and a woman always comes from insecurity, which in turn comes from a subconscious knowledge that your partner isn't really in love with you. If you feel loved and secure jealousy doesn't happen. Likewise, if your partner is in love with you then they just naturally tend not to be interested in flirting with another person to the extent that it causes probems with you.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I can see this one from both sides. Of course he owes you an apology, his behaviour is very poor where you are concerned.
You have to look at yourself as well. Raging and throwing things gets him totally off the hook, and you fell into his trap. Now he can say you're a crazy psycho, unstable etc, taking the spotlight off him and onto you. If you'd acted in a controlled way he would not have ammunition to take the spotlight off himself, where it should be, and onto you.
Forget about the apology and concentrate on asking yourself why you're in this scenario at all. good luck
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A
male
reader, fellini1973  +, writes (20 September 2009):
Hmmm Sounds like your really upset. I do have a question however. Do you fulfill your man sexually? Does he get a healthy sex life at home? Are you fulfilling him at night? If you answered no to any of thoses questions...well then you might want to look at yourself...
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