| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and just recently I've seen a side to him that I've never seen before. We had been out drinking and something made him mad. He wanted me to go home because he was going to his house. I didn't want to go and he hit me. My family already hates him and this just makes it worse. I know that he is a really good person and it wasn't like him to do that. We are completely in love with each other and I've realized that even though this happened I still want to be with him. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I know it was wrong of him to do that, but I don't think its worth giving up on our relationship. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): I was in a relationship for three years. He never displayed any form of violence until I ended it after I discovered he cheated on me. I remained friends with him and during an argument over his phone, he pushed, shoved and hit me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. However today when I went to visit him he did the same behaviour and hit me and held me up against the wall. My advice once a cheater always a cheater, and if he hits you once he will do it again. I am making the decision to contact him never again today.
A
female
reader, mary93  +, writes (22 September 2011):
You should not be with him if he put a hand on you because you don't need that in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, applesauce +, writes (13 January 2011):
Everyone tells you to leave, and it's frustrating. Mainly because you want to remain there. You know that staying is wrong. That is why you are asking for help. You want just one person to give you the excuse that it's ok to stay; that he will change. But the truth is that HE WILL NOT CHANGE. I had a similar problem. I made up excuses to stay with him. I said "he doesn't have anyone else" and "if I kick him out, he won't have anywhere to go." One day his ex (who was coaching me through to get out of the relationship, and whom he also beat) told me this "when will you love yourself?" This question woke me up and I left that HURTFUL relationship. My question to you is WHEN WILL YOU LOVE YOURSELF?
...............................
A
female
reader, shortyc1821 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Well a man should never put his hands on a woman and I couldn't tell you leave now!! Because that what most everybody says and who haven't been through it...in my situation been happening for 3 years so I definately need to change this life...you need to make him see that your not gona tolerate him doing that EVER again because if he gets away with it like nothing it may become a habit tell him that he is NO better than you and NO Right to put his hands on you ever your not his property your your own person. If it happens again you may want to make him get counseling while its happened early or think about getting out because if he keeps doing it he will most likely get used to it and become comfortable or a habit. Just don't stand for it ever there is Never an excuse to hit someone you love...like small children ....Don't hit Use Your words.were old enough to know that
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): for the first time my new partner of 2 years hit me its shattred everything i ever thought we had i cant t trust him i know i still love him but i could never take him back not after this it hurts but i think its the best thing to do
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): I left my boyfriend after a couple of years og him hitting me pushing me about and then trying to put the balme on me, He spoked canibis plus drank quite a lot so I had a really bad mixture of a man? I gave bith to are daughter whos is now 4 years old leaving him was the best thing I have ever done he beat me up really bad until I just snapped and walked away I was better then all of that and I did it most of all for my daughter,
...............................
A
female
reader, chiggy  +, writes (5 June 2010):
I seriously think that you should leave him,he's done it once,he'll do it again,he HAS crossed the line,you cannot trust him now dear!! You have to be strong!! It might be the hardest thing to do but in the end you would surely be proud of yourself!
All the Best! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): hi ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years he takes all his anger out on me and i just want it to stop i have to ask his sister to go to the shop to get my make up just so i can cover up the bruses but then i get abuse for wearing it but i know it not all his fault as i do fight back but i just want this nightmare to end i tell my mum i fell down the stairs at work i dont have any friends due to this i just want to know why he has to take it out on me
...............................
A
female
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (23 February 2010):
![[email address blocked] agony aunt](/avatars/86daf2ee-87c6-4894-bc61-6d5f675bcc23.png) i have been with my boiifrend almost 9 months and i have been threw choking, pushing, slapping, hitting idk what to do plz give me some advice im scared cuz he always does this when hes mad he has done this over maybe 5-10 times plz help; me to what to do..
...............................
A
female
reader, helpless79 +, writes (6 July 2009):
Me and My boyfrine have been together for 1yr. now. I just moved to a hole another state to be with. I left all my family and friends to be with the man i love. The 1st time we got into a arugment he slapped me. This man has done everything from slap, push me, choke me until i almost pass out, hold me down, take my keys, cell phone, and now just yesterday he slapped me and raped me and said it was his to take. I cried the whole time and now he said if i leave him the whole United States would not be big enough to hide. This man has put so much fear in me that im soooooooo scared he will kill me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Iheartmypup +, writes (21 March 2009):
I am only telling you this because I was almost in the exact same situation. It had been 5 years, and he had never done it before. He got mad one day when i was talking to a guy friend I have know for quite a while. We got home and he hit me. IT WONT STOP. He repeatedly said im sorry and i love you and it will never happen again, and i gave him the benefit of a doubt. Sure enough, it happened again, and again, and I kept making excuses for him. THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH THAT WONT DO THAT. You cant keep yourself in that situation. It was hard, trust me, but im happier now than ever. I have a man who loves me who doesnt hit me...now my ex is just a bad memory.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): Less than a year after being together, my boyfriend and I had a petty argument and he hit me. As girls, we tend to talk too much in an argument and maybe that was my mistake, but i know it's not an excuse for him to do what he did. So he hit me. He knew it hurt me but he did it again. and again and again till he saw that i was REALLY hurting, and that was when he said sorry. He promised to not do it again, but months later he did. He promised again and he did it again.... to this day, i don't really know why i stay. The last time he hit me, he just shoved me and he stopped... knowing that if he went further, I would leave him. I completely agree with what someone else said on here, that when you stay in such a relationship, it's because you want something to be fixed. It's true that you really don't know how some of us feel unless you've been through it. I guess I'm staying because I sincerely am happy when we're not in such arguments and maybe I'm always hoping that things will get better for good. It gets annoying, and sometimes I ask myself if I just love him out of habit. I have a lot of things to figure out still... but what I do know is... I wish I had enough courage to just leave the first time it happened.
...............................
A
female
reader, therapist with her own bf issues +, writes (9 February 2009):
I know you love him, that is the most confusing and confounding part of this. Forgiveness is golden but it must come with careful insight and protection for yourself and your relationship if you want it to flourish.Trust is something that has to be earned and we all know how difficult it can be to build that sense with someone in the beginning stages of a relationship. Once physical violence enters a relationship it is a definate trust breaker. How does he even know if he can trust himself to not do it again? I am sure he didn't plan on hitting you. If he does nothing to earn your trust back it just lessens the quality and respect in your bond for both of you and yourselves.There are many signs you can look for to truly have any sense of realistic predictability about the future.Was he abused growing up?Did his mother and father have violence in their relationship(s)?Did you get involved quickly? (Living with or engaged within 6 months of meeting)Does he display?:Jealousy and possessivenessDependence on you for many of his needsControlling behaviorBlames others for his problemsHypersensitivityBlames others for his feelingsCruelty to children and animalsVerbal abuseplayful use of force in sexDr Jekyl/Mr Hyde personalityRigid sex rolesPast abuse in other relationshipsbreaking objectsuse of force during an argumentsexually coercivethreats of violenceespouse traditional sex rolesuse economic means to control youViolence starts off small usually and continues to escalate. He may be remorseful pleading for forgiveness and really mean it. But it happens again unless you take the measures to protect yourself. Insist that he go to counseling if he wants the relationship to continue. With help at the beginning your relationship can be repaired before it totally gets out of control.Good Luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now we have a daughter who is 18 weeks old, but my boyfriend is voilent to me around her, hes been voilent to me alot now i keep thinking it wont happen again but it always dose it stoped when i was pregnant but it never stoped his temper, and now it has all started again. i love him so much and dont want to lose him i hate bein away from him... what should i do ?
...............................
A
female
reader, bubbles1991  +, writes (3 February 2009):
 sweety i know how u feel i been with my bf for 5 years now. it is hard to leave someone you love after so long i left my bf today and he been violent for 2 yrs now but i say get out while u can ok like they say once a cheeter always a cheeter so it goes with violence to dont take no guys s*** no woman deserves to be hit by a male easy way of geting out of a relationship like that try see someone bout it a counciler or something trust me it would proble helpany ways hope i could help take care of your self and remember follow ur heart not your head xoxox
...............................
A
female
reader, woman in shock  +, writes (18 November 2008):
Same here after 5 years of relationship, my boyfriend and I never ran accross any violent line. Mostly when we had any aguement on something, maximum thing could be just tough word or shouting. BUT!!! last week on Wend.12,November, in between aguement he slapped me very hard until I felt blind for a minute. THAT is FIRST time of my life. Nobody did this to me before.
After that day for me, I found it hard to look at him same way. But I don't scare or afraid of him. Just don't trust myself that I know him..
Last night we have another aguement , he told me that violent will be happen again and this time he will make me bleeding...
I haven't told my parent yet. I know this thing will hurt them so much.
I'm afraid if it happen again I will fight back. And I know that I have quite strong self-defense person.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I think you should forgive him , its not worth throwing away something youve spent five years building the same thing happened with me and my girlfriend only 3 years in and we got over it everyone deserve a mistake im sure hes sorry .. just dont throw something away try and make it work and dont just try .. make it work
...............................
A
female
reader, marisa1922 +, writes (27 October 2008):
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months...which isn't TOO long,but with what I've gone through...it could be 80 years.Before we got together,his ex girlfriend came to me & warned me about him saying he hit her,was violent,pyschotic,etc.Of course I didn't listen to her,because,as typical abusers go,there are many great things that seem to overshadow the bad.
I should of listened to her.
In the course of 8 months,he has hit me over 20 times.He's not only physically choked me,slapped me,punched me,pushed me,kicked me,slammed me into things,he's spit at me,degraded me & he's completely destroyed me emotionally.
He has borderline personality disorder,which was recently diagnosed in him after 2 years of his family believing he had Bi-Polar disorder.He was on meds since I met him,but he wasn't taking them & that contributed to the rage.Once we started watching him take the meds,it still wasn't getting any better,if not worse because he felt we were out to get him.I pretty much became the lab rat for his meds,counseling & the monster he could turn into.
I should of left within the first month,the first time he hit me because I confronted him on one of his many,ridiculous lies.When he was cornered,everything became MY fault.Suddenly,nothing I could do or say was good enough & I was a slut,whore,cunt,etc.
I never told anyone,but my friends weren't stupid.He didn't want me around anyone,he broke 3 cell phones in a row,demanded my personal account passwords,checked my bills,my emails,everything.I eventually had no one left to turn to because everyone feared him.He threatned everyone,started problems with all the people we had once been friends with.
It hurts every single day.
People always ask me why I stay.
Why?Because despite the abuse & the fear & the suffering,there's a love that no one understands until you live through it.
When the person you love & put all your trust into hurts you that way,you don't want to leave because it isn't YOU.You didn't do it,so you want to fix it.You didn't do it,so you want it better.You didn't stop loving them,so you want them to start loving you.
It's a vicious cycle of broken promises & complete disgust.
Based on my own experience,if they do it once & you allow it to happen,it WILL happen again.Once you give someone that power over you,they will use it every chance they get.
& I promise it gets FAR worse over time.
This is coming from a girl who is still with the person who has hit her.
It's hard to stay & even harder to leave.
You become dependent on this person,because you forget what its like to have a normal,HEALTHY relationship & the point I'm at,I've lost so much self esteem,I can't even bring myself to talking myself into getting out.
I've stuck by him through all of it.Its unpredictable.There's no warning signs for me.His disorder makes him snap completely randomly.We would go from laughing & playing around to his switch going off & suddenly I'd be thrown into a wall with his hands at my throat.
It's terrible & I carry that pain with me every single day.
I hold onto what was there & what I want to be there,because I know deep down,who he is & what he shows are two different things.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better,or easier,or safer,but if I could promise that,I wouldn't be in this position,nor would any of us.
Find someone to confide in,someone to talk to.Don't hold it as I have for so long.It wears you down,especially at a time when you need to be the strongest.
Love is blind & sometimes we see that once it's already too late =\
...............................
A
female
reader, Jersy  +, writes (8 September 2008):
It is worth leaving him. And leave him right now
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): I got hit yesterday.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relatively happy and supportive relationship for almost 7 years, but it has never been perfect. We have always been fighting about minor issues and were frequently trying to make the other person feel bad so as to feel better about ourselves. We have had some great weeks and then some terrible ones, but in general I was satisfied and happy.
Last week, we moved into a new environment, and that has been very stressful for both of us, but especially for him. It is true that he has not been treating me well for a while (e.g. last year he forgot my birthday), but during the last week things escalated – he was not interested in things I was talking about and he would interrupt me in the middle of my sentence; he kept snapping at me when I would ask him a simple question; he did not want wait for me in the grocery store or even at the airport and he would leave without me. I tried talking to him about this, but that just irritated him. I told him on several occasions that I cannot take it any longer and that I would slap him if he does not stop yealling at me and treating me like an idiot. And then yesterday, he started yelling at me again, and I slapped him on the face. I know that was not a nice thing to do, but I did it because I felt helpless – I could not find another way to get through to him. He was shocked and (in what he calls self-defense) he hit me with his fist on the chest (and that now hurts), he pushed me with his leg, and then he slapped me on the face. I am not certain whether this was self-defense or whether it was sheer violence. I think it might not have been self-defense because he could have known by my movement that I would just slap him once so he was not preempting another attack. And... I cannot understand how he could have hit me in a vital area such as my chest... regardless how shocked and violated he felt when I slapped him.
I don’t know what to do, and I don't want to tell this to my family as they would be very worried. This is the man I hoped to have children with and he has never hit me before... so I would like to be able to stay with him and to trust that the incident will not happen ever again. But the incident was a consequence of other circumstances (bad communication, stress...) which could reappear at any time in our lives and I am worried he might then hit me again. I feel sad and hurt and I can’t stop crying... everything that I was taught tells me to leave him... But he apologized, and he seems said, and he says he loves me...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I have been in a very strong relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. About a year ago, during an argument, he shoved me, and I fell. There wasn't much to it physically, but the emotional repercussions were damaging. I was shocked, angry, and saddened. He had never shown me violent behavior in the past, and I was baffled. I felt like I NEEDED to leave him for such a display of anger, and I felt stupid and pathetic for NOT wanting to break up with him.
He, of course, apologized profusely and frequently for a very long span of time. He promised it was only a one-time occurrence. Nothing like it has happened since.
Following the incident, when I was determining the best course of action, I realized that I had hit HIM more than one time when arguing, but he had never retaliated during those times. I had slapped him across the face twice over the course of our relationship. I should point out that we are NOT violent people.
My point here is that emotions can often lead people to
behave abnormally due to adrenaline rushes and chemical/hormonal surges in the brain during aggressive/intense arguments. This does NOT determine a person's normal behavior, and sometimes, it does not even define their behavior patterns during fights.
If you EVER feel threatened by him again, leave him without hesitation, but if you feel as though this was a once-only lapse, allow him a second chance. Everyone needs one second chance. But don't make your decision without first considering both your personal feelings and his past behavior. Physically hurting your significant other once, after five years, is a mistake that can be forgiven over time, but if it ever happens again, it evolves into abuse, in which case you shouldn't even consider staying with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I do not believe in once a hitter always a hitter. You have to judge everyone on an individual bases. Does he give you any other reason to believe he will do it again? This should be based on his actions not his words. But words do count is he verbally abusive? Overall, how does he treat you? Do you have mutual respect?
My boyfriend of four years whipped a blanket at me in the middle of an argument as I was walking away from him. doesn’t sound that bad , but it was. Some how it hit me in the face and my nose started bleeding. He panicked and tried to console me and I began hitting him as hard as I could. It was ugly, loud, disgusting and embarrassing. After considering our whole relationship, analyzing everything he had ever said and done in our entire relationship I forgave him (I also made him suffer). I forgave him because he had never done anything remotely close to that ever before. He barely raises his voice in an argument and doesn’t curse either. He is a gentleman and is very tender and caring. We have now been together for six years. And are planning our wedding
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): My boyfriend slammed my head off of my own car door from the inside, twice. He apologized. I forgave him. He hit me again months later, and slapped me upside my head really hard and that hurt. I was so mad I cried and he gave me his apologies and I accepted, but told him it better not happen again. Months later, he hit me. This time gave me a bloody nose, He didnt punch me, he just hit me THAT HARD. That was the final straw. I left him. He cried and begged for me back, told me how much he loved me and how much he was sorry, but i still did not take him back. Once a hitter, ALWAYS a hitter. I can see forgiving him after the first hit, because everyone deserves a second chance, but the second and third hit, GET OUT because you could end up dead.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): I know it's hard to face the facts after experiencing abuse on any level. Abuse is wrong and no one deserves to be hit for any reason. If it happened once it will happen again and it will get worse. The continum of violence ends in death. With help counseling and anger management it is possible to recover from abuse. You both have to want it though.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): i was with a guy for 6yrs a big guy 6ft 7 20stone my gentle giant until he punched me ouch ouch i lost two teeth broken nose and my pride in hospital my dad aged 74 visited me and cried for his little girl wishing he was 30 and could hurt that man back i missed my ex so bad even though he had done that now 2yrs later i realize you do not punch people you love
HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU TRUST ME X
take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): yes you need to leave him ASAP.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Sometimes I really wonder about the complexities of the human condition. People will just keep pushing the boundaries little by little to see what they can get away with. If you want to stay with someone who hits you, you are simply sanctioning that type of behaviour, don't be surprised if it happens again but hell we all want to do the opposite of what 'authority' tells us what we should do be that parents or otherwise no matter how sensible it seems. So I guess that in the final analysis you make your bed and you have to lie in it. How any man can hit a woman - unless it is in self-defence to restrain her, is beyond most civilised peoples ken.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I can very much relate to all of you. My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. He hit me once before when he was drunk and I hit back because it was self defense. It was fine for nearly 2 years until he hit me again. This time it was because he wanted to break up and I did not want to. So, he hit me a few times - grabbed my wrist and tried to hurt my cat. I bitch slapped him and then he nearly pushed me down a flight of stairs. Needless to say, we are no longer together. My advice - once a hitter, always a hitter. Get out, while you still can.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): hi
even i,ve been in a relationship for 5 years and my guy and i luv each other but he,s hit me maby times too. i hit him back. i can't say he'l never do it again but if he does it i jus give it back to him. if this is somethin u want too then stay with him or else just get out of it now. it will never stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): My own situation is eerily similar to this one. I mean, the five-year relationship, no prior history of violence against me, (though he has had an assault and battery charge and was jailed for it before), but never in my wildest dreams would I have seen this coming. Also, my boyfriend had been drinking... a LOT more than he ever had before, and I'm just not going to give him a second chance. I have never felt so violated and degraded by the person that is supposed to love me "more than anything, more than life itself..." as he used to put it. But I just can't tolerate the fact that it happened. You think you know someone... then THEY START DRINKING A LOT, hitting, etc. My face is still a bit swollen, my trust is entirely gone, and he keeps calling and writing to say that he is SO SORRY, it was a big mistake, etc., but I think my heart is now closed to him forever.
It KILLS me to give up on five years, too, but I AM THE MOST VALUABLE PERSON I KNOW, and YOU are your own most valuable possession in this world, you only have one body, and you better have control over it, before someone else does, and you have no self-respect or dignity.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I read your message, I read the reply that was offered to you on Nov.15th also. She is right. Sometimes our hearts want to believe so much in the love we share and our minds get wrapped around the time we have invested in it. The fact remains is that true stats say it will happen again. It did to me. I married a man whom I truly loved. After a long period of time his anger turned on me. I did decide to leave him but secretly I still saw him for over a year. Then, one day it happened again. Thus, I wonder just how much sooner he would have been abusive to me if I had let him back into the home. Now, I have a beautiful 15 year daughter. She is awesome. She came to me last week telling me her boyfriend grabbed her by the throat. She is wanting to get back with him. That is how I wound up here! Dear God, if it happens once, the chances are astronomical that it will happen again. Leave him. LOL
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I am replying to you because I was in your situation. My boyfriend was and is a wonderful man--attractive, compassionate, and he loved me. We worked on human rights campaigns together. One day we went to the park together to play some sports with his friends. On the way home he wanted to drop his friend off, but I was late. I finally agreed. We dropped his friend off. I was annoyed that was late and brooded a bit in the front seat. He noticed I was I annoyed and I confirmed. He said, "you have no control over your emotions" I retorted with a biting remark, and with his right hand he made a fist and punched me in the face. I was shocked. When he pulled into my drive way I ran into my apartment. I had know him for two years. I loved him. I got an ice pack and was off to my appointment, but he was sitting on my steps in tears. He held the ice pack on my face shocked at what he had done to me. I let him apologize. I felt if I told anyone they wouldn't understand. They would decide my boyfriend was a violent asshole. Three months later we had another minor argument, but this time he punched me in the stomach. I was bleeding internally and nearly died. This sweet man is now in jail, and I wake up with night mares. I deeply regret not breaking up with him the first time he hit me, or at least not going to therapy with him, or something. When you love someone, sometimes you miss the signs that tell you they are dangerous. The movies make violent people out to be evil. The scary thing is that a sweet, nice, charming man who really loves you can hurt you. My sweet, nice, charming man almost killed me. I believe he lost control and has a psychological problem, and I am the kind of person who want s to help people with problems. I don't think he meant to hit me so hard, but he did. I was in the hospital for six days. I had a long recovery time. The first time he hit me it was in the face. It was awful emotionally, but I was fine. I never imagined he would really hurt me. Do not make my mistake. You are not wrong to still love him. You are not wrong to want to hold on to the relationship. In fact you are normal. You are however in danger. A line has been crossed, and that line once crossed can be crossed again more easily. My boyfriend didn't beat me regularly in two years he only lost it and hit me twice. It's just that the second time was much much worse then the first. My advice to you is to tell someone, and to get out. It is going to be sad. I won't lie to you. You will miss him, and when your parents who hate him say bad things about him, you'll want to defend him. You'll get jealous when he dates someone else, but time will heal you. You'll have shown strength and you will succeed in protecting yourself where I failed. I hope that you get out of the relationship and stay away. Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): It's now been over a year since you first posted your message. Could you please let me know if things have worked out well for you? Are you still with him? Has he hit again? I'm going through something similar myself and am looking for feedback.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice, I understand where each and everyone of you are coming from. Although I know it was wrong and it didn affect our relationship, I've made the decision to stay. I can't count the number of times he has said he's sorry and I can see that he truly means it. I understand that it could happen again and just to clear something up, that I didn't put in my original question, I didn't contact the authorities and the case is pending. I did want to take action for the specific reason so that he would know that I wasn't going to put up with it. I may regret my decision, but I can't know if I don't go through with it. I'm wishing for the best and, again, thanks for all the input. :)
...............................
A
reader, Your big sis +, writes (27 January 2006):
 Five years is a long time to be together, but it's also enough time for people to change and sometimes for the worst. Think of your personal safety. Your boyfriend has committed domestic violence which is a Class A Misdemeanor punishable by fine and/or jail time. If you do not report his hitting you to authorities, he will know that you tolerate his violent behavior. He will begin to think you will stand by his side no matter how many times he hits you. So one time will lead to two times, then two times to three times, three to four, and so on. It is better to put your foot down now because if you wait, you may not have the self-love and self-worth to stop allowing yourself to being a victim of a situation you can control now. Maybe next time he'll permanently rearrange your face. You are playing a dangerous game by not telling anyone.
If you believe his drinking played a part in his actions, then ask him to stop drinking. Alcohol abuse is one of the biggest causes of domestic abuse. No relationship can have a future as long as alcohol (or drugs) is present. And lastly, if he DOES give up drinking, it would not hurt him to attend anger management classes to help him deal with his anger. And if he DOES NOT want to give up drinking, beware...this problem will only get worse. You are your best protection and worst enemy in this depends on what you choose. Be safe, take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I hit my girlfriend once because she was in hysterics from smoking cannabis and not sleeping and she was crying for an hour for no reason so I slapped her and she didn't tell me anything about it for weeks afterwards but she felt I didn't care for her and that was part of the reason. I did try and comfort her for one hour before hitting (slapping) her because I ran out of ideas, and I'm not used to really fragile girls anyway, so I didn't realise by shocked her when she needed care.
It's all right if it only happens once every few years, usually a man will learn from his mistake and he will remember.
If he does it again you can leave him for a while and see if he learns.
Also learned to avoid arguments if he is drunk, and understand that he might be a rotten apple who knows.
If you does it again then you can drop him.
Whatever you do, don't hide your feelings, and tell him exactly that it was a very bad thing to do, he will probably be really sorry and will have wanted to talk about it anyway.
Perhaps the guy is too romantic and watches too much TV, and needed the experience. And he will learn that it's a really stupid thing to do especially in an argument. and on the face..
Anyway, men are made for hitting things it's one of their main survival objectives, say if they are too rough once or twice by mistake it is not there fault . it should only really be one time. It probably means you have a decent catch
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetchick +, writes (26 January 2006):
i really feel for what you are going through.
it's quite hard to make such a decision like that, as on one hand, you love each other and you feel it isn't in his nature to be violent.
on the other hand though, there is nothing to say it won't happen again. he may believe as you've forgiven him once before, you will forgive him again and he may think it is a foolproof way of geting his own way whenever he isn't happy or getting what he wants.
i suggest the first thing you should do, is sit down with him and talk about it-tell him how it made you feel and how it destroyed a certain amount of trust.
second, i suggest you talk about it with a third party, a counsellor maybe, and get everything out in the open. if he genuinely loves you and is sorry, he will not mind that you want to sort it out in this way. i suspect there may be an underlying reason why he lashed out at something so small.
forgive me, i am not trying to condone his violence, or say that you should stay with him, but i believe 5 years is too much to give up and walk away from, if it was perhaps a temporary lapse in character for him.
i know one thing for certain though - if he does do it again you should definately get out of the relationship.
i really hope this helps and wish you the best of love and luck
xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I don't believe in 2nd chances, but 'oddly', you can give him a 2nd chance on this one. Of course, if he does it again, get the hell out of there! I know it may be bad, but it's a risk - did he hit you because he was drunk and couldn't control himself being influenced, or did he do it because he can and wanted to?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): I agree with the last post. It's not your job to make excuses for him. I know you must have spent all these years defending him to your family, justifying it to yourself by thinking of how valuable the relationship is, but things are different now. What you do now you must do 100% for yourself. Take your pride and your dignity back and cut him out of your life, no second chances, right now.
It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but not to do it will be the biggest mistake you will ever make.
You are worth much more than this - be happy xx
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2006):
 He will hit you again if he thinks you are going to let him get away with it. I know you don't want to break up but men who hit usually never stop until they are locked up for good. Please realize that you deserve to be treated with respect at all times and that there is a guy out there that will do exactly that.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (25 January 2006):
 Sorry to say this because I know you don't want to hear it but GET OUT NOW.
He will do it again now he has broken the taboo on violence in your relationship.
Being hit once you are a VICTIM. Being hit twice you are a VOLUNTEER.
Get out befroe he destroys your self-esteem.
Be strong x
...............................
|
