A
male
age
30-35,
*ensativeguy010
writes:Hello agony aunts! I need some help with my fiancé and our upcoming marriage. This morning when I was getting ready or work I noticed her phone light up because she received a message I glanced at it and saw that it was her close friend who had replied back about something my fiancé had asked her about me... I feel guilty for this but I went ahead and read the messages my fiancé sent her. She had wrote how all of a sudden getting married had hit her an she's questioning about if she's rushing things and about stuff she'd have to live with for the rest of her life and how she's been craving the attention of other guys really badly....but of course not acting on it. She did mention how much she loved me so much and that she wouldn't know what to do without me but what the weird thing is literally right before we went to bed she told me we need to start soon more planning for the wedding, in the same night she talked to her friend about second thoughts o the wedding an then later talked to me about planning it!?!? I'm so lost, I'm relieved to hear she's still in love with me but the odd thing is she was the one who wanted to get married so badly always talking about it... I'm content I know for a fact I want to spend the rest of my life with her. What's happening? :(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Yes, these are just normal routine prenuptial jutters from her...
Yet, frankly, I don't think as of now you should marry at all.
Your previous post said that you felt , after very few months, like the honeymoon was already over , that your sex life was nearly inexistent, and other issues.
That maybe be either true or false. If it is true , one wonders why ever you'd want to get married with her , "love " would not seem enough to compensate for this lack of physical, emotional, mental compatibility.
Or, it may be false, i.e. it's your skewed perception tinted dark by your insecurity and anxiety. You sound VERY anxious, pathologically so. I think , before facing the inevitable challenges of married life, which need to be handled with serenity, flexibility and a pinch of humour , you need to make yourself less anxious ( and more drama-free ).
You do not sound inclined to take responsibility for your own moods and mental states. It is very easy, and very inefficient, to blame them on the outside, on other people -" I am anxious because sha says X or does Y and that makes me anxious, if she would stop saying X or doing Y I'd be fine ". No you would not, first, people are who they are and do what they do, they can compromise, they can meet you hlf way, they can smooth some edges, but they can't change their heart brain and personality just to please you. Second, if she said oh I can't wait to get married, I am so impatient, ecstatic, thrilled - that would not reassure you enough, you would come up with other issues to freak out about. Maybe that she is going to cheat on you, ...or that you are not going to look good enough in your wedding tuxedo :). Your mind is going to come up with other reasons to make you anxious, because the anxiety is IN you, it does not come inherently from outside circumstances.
So, you have to own that this his YOUR issue, - or at least to see how much you are contributing to the issue, and work on changing YOURSELF, not the outside .
And I agree with Wise OwlE ,btw. You were SPYING on her, because subconsciously you WANTED to find something to feel bad about and to fuel your insecuritoes :
what kind of a lame excuse is " her phone lighted up and I glanced " ? So what ? Just because a phone lights up, it means it's Ok to go ahead and read the message and the previous messages ? that's private correspondence, I don't care how close you are, bf and gf, husband and wife, mother and son. It's not a matter of " there are no secrets between us ", it's a matter of respecting boundaries. My life is an open book right now ( alas ! I wish I had something exciting to hide !),nevertheless if I'd find a close friend or a close relative , anybody , really, reading my messages on the sly , I'd go nuts. Because one does not do that . Unless... unless they WANT to find something. And if you have in mind to FIND something that will disturb you, then you surely will, and you are a case in point.
Conclusion- if you want to be anxious , miserable , and powerless, keep spying , keep searching for signs, keep turning things over in your head .
If you want to make positive , effective changes in your relationship with people, and have functional interactions with them, then ACT and go seek professional help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): The frequency with which so many people on this site happen to "accidentally" stumble across secretive or private information on their partner's phones and computers is astonishing.
If only the rarity of the odds of winning the lottery and the number of times lightening would strike twice in the same place could beat such odds of accidental discovery happening so frequently. Why haven't we stumbled across the cure to cancer! Such accidents seem to happen more frequently where they shouldn't.
It never happens on purpose, always purely by coincidence and by the odd chance. Amazing!!! The NSA should just stop deliberately intruding or snooping; and just leave it to chance that they would find out a whole crap-load of information on people without even trying. The odds of stumbling across secrets is apparently very much in their favor.
It is evident you carry some deep-seated anxieties about the woman you plan to marry. To the degree of spying. Then making frequent postings regarding issues most couples commonly workout between the two of them; without the degree of urgency you seem to place on each event or circumstance. You have a high degree of anxiety about just about everything. Chill!
You over-analyze almost every element of your relationship and try way too hard to anticipate her every move, down to her innermost-intimate thoughts. You review and assess every variable; as if to be studying a scientific experiment.
Examining every notable imperfection or oddity with microscopic precision. You take nothing in stride. You add significance to the smallest detail.
You will have to learn to trust that things sometimes workout and they don't always end in tragedy, or require immediate intervention. You don't have to call an ambulance for a splinter in the finger. There is the possibility you could get tetanus; but sometimes all you have to do is remove the splinter, apply antiseptic, and keep the wound clean. You can figure it out on you own.
She is human. Making a decision that will change her future. She will share her DNA to reproduce. Anyone who has ever made such a decision in their lives; will certainly second-guess and re-examine if this is the right move, at the right time; and most of all, with the right person.
She was having girl-talk with a friend. Pretty much on the same juvenile level and with the same potentially inflammatory outcome as a guy having his last hurrah with his buddies on his bachelor's night out. It is all considered to be held secret from the bride. To be shared only with the friends who'll take it to the grave. Most of what happens is during a drunken stupor and nobody truly remembers what goes on. Unless some fool spills the beans.
You breached the line of secret communication between two women. I am aghast that anyone took your side. She was shaking off the jitters and getting reassurances you get from a dear buddy. The sudden realization of "What the hell am I doing?" She's venting her anxieties in a healthy way. Not plotting against you!
How it was turned into anything more than that, I think sometimes we aunts have to check our thoughts; before putting them in print. You are understandably nervous,
but I don't think it is specifically about her. I think it is your general approach to each and every relationship you have ever had. She will make mistakes, and so will you.
You've gotten the reassurance that she loves you. Dude, you're not married yet! It's still in the planning stages, and this is where you tweak out all the bugs and doubts. Eliminate all the trepidation. You're not the only one giving up their freedom. Taking a big risk. So is she.
You came to us, she went to her friend.
What if she spied on you, and read every post you ever wrote to us? The things you've told us. The whole knitty-gritty; down to the last dirty detail? Think about that?
What she said, is something that we have all intimated to a best friend, family member, or most trusted colleague. It is not meant to be discovered and analyzed by your fiance'.
Who, by no doubt, will misinterpret the meaning behind it. Even worse, invade your private thoughts about it. Making far-fetched presumptions that would move him to seek advice; with fear of the worst case scenarios, or hidden meanings. Always carrying doubt and suspicion in the back of his mind, that she never knew was there.
Marriage means you must be true to one another, and you cannot cross certain boundaries once your vows have made and the marriage has been consummated.
Seeking advice is good. When guidance and objective opinion is required.
Attempting to anticipate and intercept on the presumption she has doubts; because she wants other men is jumping to conclusions. She misses the attention, she didn't say she misses the sex. Heck of a lot of difference in impact.
It was merely a thought expressed in a text message, not openly expressed in full context of her feelings. Unless you've been keeping an ongoing followup of her private communications, and not releasing many other details you know, so not to give yourself away as a snoop.
If I had to decide who should have second thoughts about getting married. I would say she is the one taking the highest risk.
Well, once you're married. I hope you remember to delete all these posts. She just might accidentally on purpose find and read them.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Hi there, I remembered a couple of posts from you earlier in which you were anxious about her commitment to you, first because of a medical issue which makes sex painful for her, and the next because you thought the honeymoon period was over.
You wrote something in one of these posts which makes me wonder how well you two communicate. You wrote "I let her lead the relationship because I know I can be too clingy of a person so i back off."
So you basically allow her to set the tone and tempo of the relationship.
I think it's perfectly reasonable for a loving couple to check in with one another in a supportive way when major life events are happening.
I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to express no doubts about such a major life event as marriage. YOU aren't even certain, you snooped through her phone and then came on here. You have your own set of doubts.
If you are this upset and derailed by your fiance expressing her reservations with a friend, then how are you going to manage other challenges married life will throw at you?
Do you find it difficult to express yourself to her without sound anxious? Do you have an anxiety disorder that interferes with your normal functioning? I'm not asking to be mean, I'm wondering if there is something you need to deal with in yourself so that you can have a calm, reasonable conversation with your fiance about your concerns about her commitment to the upcoming marriage.
Again, I'm a bit worried that you are basically the tagalong partner and haven't yet found your own voice in this relationship. "I let her lead the relationship because I know I can be too clingy of a person so i back off." (from this post http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-know-my-fiance-loves-me-but-it.html )
Now, had I not read your previous posts, I would say that it's perfectly normal for women and men to work through their anxiety about marriage through discussions with close friends. If she continues to want to plan the wedding, it's all good. If things go to a standstill, there's no date, no venue, no nothing, then it's time to worry.
If I said to you, "Relax, she's experiencing normal pre-wedding jitters," what would your response be?
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (13 January 2014):
I would have a conversation by asking probing questions about what she said without mention that you read it. Then compare her answers to you vs to her buddy and evaluate merit and truthfulness of each.
Frankly this dilemma she got you in surely would make it tempting to snoop into her convo more often.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (13 January 2014):
I think you are over thinking this. We all get wedding jitters. We are think are we making the right decisions. I think it is good that she is talking about it with her girlfriend. She may just need to voice her thoughts. You have to also remember that she stated in writing that she is in love with you. That is huge.
Talk to her about her fears of getting married. Maybe she will speak about them with you.
All girls no matter what age crave attention. Just make she you are the one giving her what she needs.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 January 2014):
 What's happening is that you snooped on her. Bad idea and that breaks trust. Women talk and vent with their friends. When we get stressed, most of us talk it out. Does she want to marry you? Sure. But we talk out our nervousness. I did with my best friend, and felt better after venting. Sometimes just speaking out one's feelings puts them into perspective and makes you feel better.
I would advise not snooping through her stuff anymore.
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A
female
reader, lessons_learned  +, writes (13 January 2014):
She just has cold feet it's only natural, she's looking for reassurance from her friend. Don't worrie she loves you. The real lesson here is don't snoop, it will only cause upset and distrust.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 January 2014):
Well, since marriage is such a big deal, I applaud anyone who takes the decision very seriously and wants to be sure they want to proceed.That said, Im a big believer in not doing your laundry in public. If she has questions about your marriage, she should be talking to you and being honest with you, since you are making your own decision as well.Last, the craving attention from men thing is troublesome, and it could be an indicator of things to come. If I were in your shoes, I would take a look at her past for red flags. Eg, how does she get along with her father? Does she have a promiscuous past? Other men around she seems not to be able to let go of? Like I said, this is an important decision for BOTH of you, and this should raise some questions for you as well Make sure you get them answered to your satisfaction before you proceed.
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