A
female
age
36-40,
*mokinstiletto
writes:I’ve got quite a dilemma. I’ve been in such a sticky situation this past year that I need all the help and advice I can get right now. Please give I am in such a tough situation that to get the best advice from everyone, I will have to give a short summary of the past year. To start it off… a year ago I was single and “doing my thing”. A friend who we will call “J” had been pursuing me for months. “J” was kind of obsessed with me and wanted a serious relationship with me, but I didn’t view him anything more than a friend. I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, but we had great conversation and he kept me company. He was my “go to” guy for everything. If I had a bad night, I called him up and he made it all better. If I went out drinking and needed a ride home at 2 am, he was there for me. As much as I didn’t want to be with him, I cared about him and had always been sympathetic about the feelings he had for me. I felt bad for him because he would constantly beg me to be in a relationship with him, so I finally gave in and said I would give it my best shot. During the time that I was single and dating, I went on a couple dates with another guy who we will call “M”. One thing led to another and we had unprotected sex. I ended up putting “M” on the backburner because I wasn’t sure if there was a real connection between us other than sex.Shortly after I began my relationship with the first guy “J”, I found out that I had gotten pregnant the night I had unprotected sex with “M”. I had to break the news to both guys. First I told my boyfriend “J”, who said he would support me in whatever decision I made, but no matter what he still wanted to be with me. Although he said he supported me, he was also pressuring for me to choose and abortion. Second I told “M”, who was more than happy to be a father and wanted to provide for the baby and I. “M” wanted to get a place for us and have the whole family thing. I decided I would keep the baby because adoption and abortion were not options for me. I wanted to do the whole family thing with “M”, but my relationship with “J” held me back. “J” would constantly guilt trip me about going with “M”. My boyfriend was angry that it was so easy for me to sleep with “M” when he had been trying to be with me for months. He feared that I would leave him for “M” because he could provide better for me and the baby. Not wanting to live up to my boyfriends expectations and hurt him, I decided to stay in the relationship with him and push “M” away. The constant pestering and stress from my boyfriend about the father got to such a point that I felt it would be better to tell the father to leave me alone and never call me again. The father “M” was incredibly hurt, but he listened and backed off. I told my boyfriend that the father just gave up and quit calling me. I guess I made it seem like he abandoned the pregnancy, but “J” quit pestering me and I didn’t have to deal with as much stress in my life. “J” stayed with me through most of the pregnancy. He felt her kicks and he watched my belly grow. At 8 months, “J” broke off with me because he said he had tried to forgive me but couldn’t forgive me for sleeping with “M”. Later I caught him and found out that during the time we weren’t together, he was hanging out with some other girl that he claims nothing happened with. I didn’t get much support with him as far as preparing for he baby as well. As a 23 yr old “single mom” living with my parents and no money, I was scrambling to get things together for the baby. I was posting ads to get free used baby stuff from people, but he never helped out at all. I knew it wasn’t his responsibility, but his actions made me question whether he was ready to be with someone who was about to have a baby. While he blew money on the latest PS3, xbox and wii games and gear, he only bought a few outfits for the baby which he gave to me on MY bday. I felt so alone and unhappy. I didn’t see that he was making an effort when he seemed to sit back and have me cater to him and what he wanted. If it wasn’t for me going to his parent’s house to see him everyday, there would have never been no relationship because he never made an effort to come to mine.“J” was there at the hospital when she was born and cut her cord. He came to my house almost everyday for a week or two after she was born, but afterwards things went back to the way it was. He had me driving to his house with my newborn and leaving in the middle of the night so he could have uninterrupted sleep before he started work at 1 pm the next day. A couple months after the baby was born, I started to feel guilty about the father. I started thinking that when the baby would get older and ask about dad, what would I tell her and how would she feel when she found out I just pushed him out of our life when he stepped up and wanted to be there. After tons of contemplating, I broke down and called the father. I told him he could hate me all he wants, but that I just wanted to know if he wanted to be in his child’s life. He rushed over to see her and we instantly started reconnecting. As we have been spending more and more time together so that he can see the baby, we have been building a relationship with one another. “J” knows all about “M” coming back into the picture. Again my boyfriend is intimidated and we are fighting all the time about “M”. While I sat for 11 months without the father in the picture, I was waiting for my boyfriend to give some sign that he wanted to step up. I was completely unsure about his intentions and nothing said to me that he was serious about making a family with me. As soon as the father came into the picture, he all the sudden stepped up. He got a better job, started talking about moving out together, and said he wanted to be called “dad”. While I am happy that he finally stepped up, I feel that it is only out of a sudden threat caused by the father.I am stuck in such a tough position. I love both guys equally and for very different reasons. I need to make a choice because I can’t have them both. I need to choose between my heart and my head. My heart feels for my boyfriend because I don’t have a doubt in my mind that he loves me and the baby and because he was there when she was born. However, I truly feel as though my boyfriend and I were never supposed to be together. My head says that I should be with the father because he can provide for us and because I truly feel like I would be happier with him. Everything feels right when I am with the father and everything feels wrong when I am with my boyfriend. I think I’ve already made up my mind about who I want. There is no denying that I would rather be with her father, but I don’t have the guts to hurt my boyfriend. I don’t know how to break up with my boyfriend. Do I tell him the truth that all his fears were justified and that I want to be with the father? Do I break up with him using another reason in an attempt to hurt him less? I don’t like hurting people and I’ve never been the one to break up with anyone, so I don’t know how to go about it. I am so sad that if we break up, I will no longer have a friendship with him. I am pretty positive that if I broke up with him for the father he will not want anything to do with me and we will never speak again. I am so lost, torn and scared.
View related questions:
abortion, broke up, money, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (12 January 2011):
Definitely the father. No question. Just be honest and tell J over the phone that you have decided to make things work with the dad.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): M is your guy and the father of your doughter. What wrong he did?? NOTHING as per ur description. He seems totally comitted. It is u who is pushing him away. Every time he did the right thing. When you need him he was there. When u asked him to back off he backed off. It was not his fault no to be there when his baby was born. IT WAS YOURS!! To my serprise he come back when u ask. Such a guy is rare. Don't blew this opportunity.
Your relation with J will not be good. The baby deserve matured and supportive father M. This is not really a difficult situation provided u r telling everything!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Aluenee  +, writes (6 January 2011):
I'm now on with natasia..may be its getting hard for you but you've to do it. if you stay with J THEN you'll have to regret over it..just regret over.so you better go on with M who loves you.. Don't hurt yourself thinking over it..its useless.. You've now baby in your life..think about her too na.just don't take long time to choose M..
...............................
A
female
reader, Aida +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Natasia is right, she's given you great advice.M in the long run would be the best choice. Not to mention he is the father of your child and happens to be a great guy from what you've described.So do the right thing and dump your boyfriend.You and your child's happiness is what matters.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 pps
Just another thought: you are doing, I think, what I have done, and what can wreck your life - that is, not doing what you know would be best, because you feel a (misplaced) sense of duty and responsibility to someone who actually doesn't deserve that from you. J didn't support you. He didn't think about the baby as he would his own. He wanted to abort (nice). He bought Xboxes instead of baby clothes. So again, if you say you are going to be with M, whether J is upset or not isn't important. Hell, J had some other girl while not with you. He does NOT care properly for you. He is flaky all round. He is a BAD BET, and not the father of your child.
So, ditch him with no qualms. This is a life choice. Make it, no regrets. You are not even really being mean to J, as he has it coming. And also you will save both of you a stressful next few years where he doesn't love you or the baby enough, and you suffer, and then anyhow you split up. So just jump the right way now. Easy! DO IT!
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 January 2011):
ps
Don't feel lost, torn or scared.
J has let you down several times, and he also was never the one for you.
You can TOTALLY live without him.
You are starting a new era now, with your baby, and with the baby's father. That is also, incidentally, by FAR the best thing you can give your baby.
If you can't face it, get M to tell J ...
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 January 2011):
There is no doubt here, and no question of it. You should be with the father of your child, because he has (a) supported you throughout (b) behaved impeccably, as far as I can see - he reacted in a perfect way when first told, then, to his immense credit, I think, backed off when you told him to, suffered, I am sure, throughout his separation from you during the pregnancy and not being there for the birth and first days, and then, despite all that, came back when you asked and is ready to be with you both. He is the one for you. He not only cares deeply about you and his child, but he has the emotional maturity and control to make a really good partner and father, and to create a happy life for you guys.
'J' - you owe him NOTHING. He is not for you. You have never found him sexually attractive. He has also been selfish and immature and uncaring. Ditch him without a second thought. Time to grow up and step up to a bigger, better life. And wow, you are so lucky to have M - I think you should love him and your baby and get on with what I am sure will be a great life.
...............................
|
