A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So heres the deal...My current bf of 2 years and I have have a 1 year old daughter together, he treats me well (except for when I want to hang out with my friends). Im 19 and hes 31 I feel like we're lifetimes apart. While on the other hand my ex and I have have been talking since Ive been dating my current bf, we even secretly hang out sometimes (I know its wrong but the attraction is so strong between us) Everytime I see him, I cant stop thinking about him for days, and he still really likes me too. We're alot closer in age (he's 21) and we dated for a a year and a half and we were so close but unfortunately things ended badly and we never got closure. We did however get closure and now that we've talked, our feelings came back for each other, and strongly. Even his dad says out of everyone hes seen his son with, hes never seen the spark that we have with anyone else. I just dont know how to tell my current boyfriend this because he deserves to know. I also dont want to risk everythng we've established together. he blackmails me telling me if I ever left, he would have sole custodity of our daughter, which scares me. It feels like he wants me to fear him.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 You have quite a mess giong on for yourself. What to do? Your boyriend is a construction worker, how can he know if he's going to receive custody or not?
I can tell you from reading your story, and not trying to be mean, but the custody issue would take some great thought. Not saying he'd get it, or you would. You both have cheated, which shows a lacking in moral behaviors, which is one thing that is weighed in deciding custody. Against you, is not having your high school deploma. Real big against him is using a child to control someone in a relaionship. That tells me if he had custody there would be a chance of him using the child aginst you, and controling your visitation beyond the order of the court.
I don't know. You both have negatives against you. From what you wrote, you have less than he does, but custody is the decision of the judge. Good luck, and I hope you can get everything worked out. Remember this always, your life needs to be what is in the best interest of your child. Decisions I make, I make sure my children benefit, before I decide if it's something I would benefit from.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 February 2008):
He is young,inexperience and immature. Many men of his age thinks that looking after babies is easier than their job. They do not realize that it is a very stressful job and you need to relax and take some breaks in between . It can be a depressing job.
Going out once a week can recharge your batteries and make you a better person. This is called a women's night out where you hang out with your girl buddies and let your hair down. It is not easy to convince him of this benefit. Usually after a big quarrel or leaving will he grudgingly allow you this night out.Asking him nicely is impossible.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 February 2008):
 I'm so sorry for your losses, what a tough double-blow. It's no wonder that you are feeling so flat and are searching for a bit of happiness, but it sounds like you are escaping things, rather than trying to fix what's broken in your primary relationship. It's not a great sign that you both have strayed outside of your marriage. Do you love your boyfriend at all? The famous question to ask is "Would I be better off with him or without him?" Most of us have a tough time when our children are small and our husbands are working long hours, it feels like you are constantly at odds with what you both want. He wants to stay in and relax, you need to get out and have fun. I hate to tell you, those feelings are normal. The fighting, as long as it's not abusive, unfortunately is part of any relationship that involves bills, houses and kids, but only you know whether or not the fighting in your own home is healthy or not healthy. I would try to get some counseling before I threw in the towel on an entire relationship, especially considering that you have a child together. If you really are so unhappy and can't get past this, you are really going to need to finish your diploma in a hurry so that you can start working and find a separate home. I still think that meeting your Ex is really risky if you are worried about losing your daughter. Sorry for all your troubles Dear.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 February 2008):
Why did you and your ex split up in the first place? Ex's are usually Ex's for a reason. Why are you questioning your relationship with you child's father now? What drew you to him and why did you want to start a family with him? It's a bit late to rethink all of this after having a child together, but I wouldn't let him scare you into thinking that he could ever have sole custody. You could be jeopardizing your rights to your child by hanging around with other men, so you might want to rethink meeting your Ex in secret. Secrets have a way of getting out. I'm sure your boyfriend wants to keep his child as much as you do. He must suspect that he is going to lose you both if he is lashing out at you. If you ever did separate, the most he could hope for is joint custody, unless he can prove that you are not capable of supporting the child or that you are unfit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionya at first he told me he was 22 then a month later he sat me down in a restaurant and handed me his drivers liscence showing he was born in 1976...I was 16 at the time...and he knew that. I was working at mcdonald's when he first saw me for crying out loud! I almost feel that hes robbed my youth...but my fault for putting up with it. I was seperated from my mother at 12, been through numerous foster homes and at 16 I moved out with my ex. Ive known my ex since I was just turned 15. I just recently lost my mother (to heart failure) and my brother (to suicide) and it feels like I dont feel much anymore. Nothing really surprises me in this world, its wierd. The only thing that makes me happy is my little girl. And shes so young and innocent, I dont want her to see us fighting all the time. Im a stay home mom, looking to get my high school diploma and then into college. My bf works long contruction hours. He doesnt like it when I go out with my friends 1 day a week, because he thinks its unfair that he works all week. Isn't taking care of his daughter work? Anyways I guess thats to say he doesnt trust me even though hes cheated on me in the past. I caught him and he confessed to sleeping in the same bed with a 35 year old woman. Ive done it too though. Was our relationship doomed from the start? Im still very confused
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 February 2008):
What makes him sure that he will have custody of your child? Usually the court will award the child to the mother if the child is below 8 as in some countries.He may even have to pay child and mother maintenance if the mother does not work.
Don't believe him.
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