A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm a mother of 3, with one on the way. I'm not sure if its hormones, or what, but I'm feeling really down lately. Honestly, I didnt want a 4th, but not having the baby isn't an option. I'd never think of adoption, so I've kind of decided "this is life" and have gotten a little excited. Too much thought of the future gets overwhelmed so I'm trying to stay in the moment. I think a lot of aversion to having more children is due to my relationship with my bf. We don't have a fairy tale life, but things have improved from what they were a year ago. I try to my best to make sure my kids have a good life regardless, but often I dont feel neatly supported enough. I left because he put so much before us and made sure we were happy. He followed and I hoped it was a changing moment. It was for a short while, but I recently discovered he is using drugs. It's a prescription drug that's used to treat opioid addiction that can unfortunately cause an addiction. I'm sort of torn over this for a few reasons. I'm upset that's hes hiding it. We moved to another state and he found a way to get a prescription in the new state. On the other hand, I knew he had struggled with an addiction in the past and I kind of cant believe hes still struggling, but again, why does he feel the need to hide it? I'm struggling to raise 3 kids and I dont feel that he's putting in enough or as much as I am,and I'm angry about it because I've always had to keep my chin up even when he was being a total monster. I've always put the kids first and they've always been my driving force. Why cant he?Am I being selfish? Am I not giving him enough credit? Help?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): OP, I am going to disagree with the majority of the Aunts and Uncles. Now it is great that you feel dedicated to your children but you are with a former addict, and it turns out that he is a relapsed addict! He is a selfish man! He is not earning a living for his family. You too are selfish, because to make your sex life more enjoyable and exciting, you are not on birth control and are not making him use condoms. You have 3.5 kids and have No Husband! No marriage means no legal rights for you and the children! Do you have any sort of working fianancial plan to put four children thru college? You may have good intentions to do right by your children, but you have great responsibility to them, and continuing to have more children while being irresponsible in bed, opting for pleasure over safe sex with a partner who is not a stable dad. I do pray for the safety and well being of your children and yourself and the baby who you carry! Best Wishes OP!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 June 2020):
Hi there. Is he working? Even if he is, it is possible that he is becoming overwhelmed with having three children and another on the way.
Plus, the restrictions having young children, places on your life, and what you can and can't do because of having a family.
This is possibly the reason for the need to escape into addictive medication, and the feeling of euphoria that habit gives him.
He could well be feeling very overwhelmed, and doesn't know how to handle things anymore.
What could be helpful for you both, would be to sit down together, and talk about how you are both feeling about everything, and your deepest concerns, and discuss the possibilities to make things more comfortable and happy for you all.
And each say what you like and don't like, to help the discussion along to run more smoothly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): If you've always put your kids first, how on earth are you in any way, shape, or form being selfish?
You have a right to being happy and content in your life. And, yes, my dear...this is also "hormones" talking!
The fact that you feel down and somewhat perplexed about going forward; is because you are dealing with an adult who is more of an issue than your children. Your hesitance about the fourth-child is due to the unreliability of your partner; and the instability of your relationship. If all that is off-kilter, your concern is about what becomes of your family knowing he's hiding an addiction.
You have to inform him you know. It isn't helping for everyone to ignore the elephant in the room. Struggling with all this is too much for you; and you haven't addressed the issue fearing all the commotion, stress, and arguments that will result. Keeping in-mind, the fact that you're pregnant; it doesn't help to keep you on-edge, or feeling your back is against the wall. That's exactly what all this is about. You can't look forward; when the past and present aren't stable enough to bring another child onto the scene. Your body is going through all kinds of changes, and hormones are all out-of-wack! With three kids, when do you find rest?
Family-counseling is necessary in situations like this. It will give you the means to open-up and speak your truth. You need to confront him on every issue that is making your family-life a living hell. Pretending all is better than last year isn't saying much. It isn't! He just cancelled all progress by adding addiction back into the equation. That means any given-time he could lose his job, he might relapse back into full drug-addiction; and this whole facade of his change will collapse before your eyes.
Get counseling, because a mediator and referee will give you the opportunity to speak-up and speak-out.
Many women never get to address their issues when relationships go-bad. They hang-on to losers that emotionally-traumatize them to the point of despair. They get emotional, and dance-around or dodge the facts. Doing everything, but addressing what the problem is.
Sometimes women in your situation try to encourage themselves by looking for even the most subtle evidence of change and improvement. In most cases, they're deluding themselves; but they are fearful of being left all alone to struggle by themselves. Well, if that's your fate; you best prepare for it.
Counseling will bring everything to light; and if you once again have to leave him, there will be closure. You can't keep an addict around children. Their moods-swings, lack of inhibitions, or loss of self-control can be potentially dangerous. My greatest concerns are the crazy laws in some states where they prosecute the women worse than they do the men; when there is abuse or harm brought to children, due to unstable and violent home-environments. You have to remove men who are drunks, drug-addicts, or aggressive. For the protection of your children and yourself. Feeling sorry for him, or keeping him to avoid loneliness is taking a dangerous risk. Sometimes you have to let-go of even the people you love; if that person is incapable of giving you love, support, help, protection, and you cannot trust them.
There are too many things you have to worry about. His falling asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, or leaving the stove on. Stupid absent-mindedness that can cause hazards that can become a catastrophe.
You can't do anything much at the moment, due to Covid-19 restrictions; but you can plan your strategy. You can also contact local hotlines for help; and to speak to an understanding voice that can offer you some advice and referrals for counseling and assistance. You should also revisit your faith and worship; if it was ever a part of your life. Prayer and meditation are health-food for the soul; and fellowship with a body of worship gives peace and tranquility to your life.
People scoff at suggestions about reaching-out to God; and confuse having a relationship with God, to dealing with "church-people and religion." God is not to blame for the stupid and evil things people do! That includes the pompous self-righteous bible-thumping twits who run people searching for God's peace out of His house of worship!!! You don't have to become "religious." Religion is man's invention. Rituals and rules! God created a way to seek His help through prayer. Try it, sometime. You'd be surprised of the results! It won't happen when you want things to, but it will happen right on time! God is sovereign, you don't tell Him when or how to do things! That's why He's God! He's not a genie or a wizard. He doesn't jump when you snap your fingers! He is the Creator of the Universe! He has emotions and feelings, and He he also has a temper! He's omnipotent, has boundless love, merciful, and forgiving. Nobody can top that!
Even when I make this suggestion and people mock me or scoff at my suggestion; I put a prayer behind it. It helps them to see through a different set of eyes; and be more open-minded. When going through the trials of life; we not only need to deal with our earthly realm of issues; but also those things that attack the spirit, mind, and soul.
I will offer a prayer for your children, you, the child in your womb, and your boyfriend. Don't expect never to suffer or have problems when you seek God for answers. He offers you the strength and wisdom to make better choices; and guides your steps on a better path. He removes those obstacles that are too big for you to move; and He gives you peace, even under the most difficult circumstances. I know, because I've had to humble myself and ask Him for help. He came through for me. He will for you too! I will ask Him to.
God bless, guide, and take care of you; and your family.
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