A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I met my bf on a dating site and he is a pretty good guy. A few things I find a bit concerning though. He lives with his ex. Him and I live in different provinces so we dont see one another much. My bf and his ex are raising a child together not his biological child buti respect that hes helping being a dad for this child shes 12. When I found out he was living with his ex I'm not ready to get too serious with him. He talks about a future together, moving in together .I have told him if he wants that he cant be living with his ex. He says they dont get along and shes verbally abusive but he still stays there. Not sure what to say to him anymore. I havent met his ex either. Part of me feels like maybe he cant let go of the past and to let him be. He also expects me to call and text all day. I'm not comfortable with talking on the phone alot. I have told him this several times and he still pressures me. If I don't then hos attitude changes and I dislike that alot Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2020): He is not living with his ex....He is living with his current girlfriend.He is cheating on her with you!Maybe it is time to drop by his house ....tell her you are his girlfriend and see what happens.Does she support him?If he moved in with you would you support him when he goes out and tells other girls you are his ex and are crazy?Because he will I promise you...a leopard cannot change his spots you know.He thinks he is a player.Show him he is a loser by being smart enough to block him and never see him again.I think you deserve a man who really loves you...this man only loves himself.Be smarter than this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): He lives with his abusive ex and some other guy's kid?
Do you hear the alarm bells and sirens going off??? He's talking about moving in? He's looking for a place to land; because he apparently can't afford to move-out!
This is total drama and a train-wreck waiting to happen! If you know what's good for you; you'll run the opposite direction!!!
If this guy is in the same age-group, 36-40, and he doesn't have his own place. No, I'm not going to preach! This is a no-brainer! End it!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 June 2020):
 If this is early stages of the courtship, you don't really have a say about where he lives. Doesn't mean you can't dislike it.
He OBVIOUSLY have an arrangement with her. Either because they still are an item, neither can afford a place on their own or because they have gotten "used" to this pattern.
You write :"He talks about a future together, moving in together " So basically, he wants to leave her and move in with you. Which kind of disprove just WHY he is living with her. It's NOT for the kid's sake. It's convenience. He has a place to stay. A roof over his head. He just have to "deal" with living with her.
Does he have a job? An income?
If so, why isn't he living elsewhere (or she living elsewhere), IF they have broken up? That is a BIG IF. He met you online, do you know if he was LOOKING for someone in a different province so she really won't know what's up with his life? As she rarely gets to see him in person? It'd be the smartest way to "juggle" 2 |(or more) women. By keeping they far enough from each other that they don't met up.
Also, WHY would you have to met his ex? She should have nothing to do with you and your relationship. She is his room-mate (or so he claims) but that doesn't mean you NEED to meet her at all.
Then we get to the "he still pressures me. If I don't then hos attitude changes and I dislike that a lot" Does that sound like something you want in a partner? Because YOU have ALREADY told him it made you uncomfortable but he CONTINUES to pressure you. I think he is "sussing/testing" out your boundaries and how easily you are manipulated.
So far you have ALLOWED him to manipulate you to call and text more than you REALLY want to do, he has made you believe that his ex is an evil witch but he has SUCH a good heart that he stays with her because of HER 12 year old kid. Do you really know if that is true? No, you can't know because you live far enough away to NOT be part of his daily life. Calling and texing is NOT the best way to get to know a person. Spending time IN person, is.
Lastly, Does he have a job that could transfer easily to your province? Or would he have to move to your province and LIVE off you? Or would you have to give up YOUR life and move to his? Is it realistic for EITHER of you to move (at some point)?
Personally? I would NOT EVER date someone who CHOOSES to live with an ex. IDGAF what excuse or reason they have to doing so. If he can't afford to live on his own, HE could have looked for a room-mate situation. Someone he hasn't had an emotional and sexual connection and relationship with.
And I would NOT EVER date someone who gets pissy or stroppy if I don't text/call all day. Just no. It would make me MORE uncomfortable if someone tried to use "attitude" to get me to comply. I don't like being manipulated. I think most people don't. A GOOD person doesn't do that.
I think YOU need to take a good long look at this "thing" you have and decide IS this REALLY the guy for me? Is there REALLY a future here?
I think IF you look at this with REALISTIC eyes, instead of the "hopeful" ones, you might realize that this isn't what you are looking for. And that you have ONLY seen the tip of the iceberg with this guy. You are getting these "I'm uncomfortable vibes" for a reason, and it has little to do with the ex. You need to examine his ACTIONS, not JUST go by his words.
I'd wish him well, end it and CUT all contact and look for someone closer by that you can ACTUALLY get to know in person, go on dates with and hang out with, meet friends and family. Someone who is a GOOD fit for you. Someone you feel COMFORTABLE with.
I think you know this isn't the best situation for you, but you think you can someone "fix" things or he can by moving out from living with her, but that doesn't change his desire to manipulate and control YOU. Does it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): Hi I'm the OP and thank you all for your advice I appreciate it. To the person that suggested I have wrote this before, no I haven't. This was my first time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): You've posted this before. What answer are you looking for before you actually dump this guy?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 June 2020):
 For me the fact that he tries to manipulate and control you would be a serious red flag. I mean, who has time to chat and phone all day, unless they are at home and doing nothing else? Does he not have a job? I suspect this is his way of checking what you are doing. Don't ignore this behaviour because it will only get worse if you move in together. This is serious stuff. Don't gloss over it. Controlling people are often very charming on the surface, especially at first. You need to look beyond the "nice guy" exterior.
Only you can decide what you will do but, for me, the controlling behaviour coupled with the fact he is still living with is ex who has no idea about your existence would have me running for the hills.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2020): OP, I would advise you to move on and not waste any more of your time on this man. It might seem admirable that he is acting as a stand in dad, for the 12yo girl, but how can he talk to you all day? Part of being a dad is working to earn a living! I would not believe for a single minute, that his alleged ex and he are not having sex! If his ex is truly verbally abusive, to him, that is a pathetic example that is being shown to the 12yo girl! He would be doing the young girl a true favor, by moving out, to put an end to the hostile enviornment, which the poor child must be hearing! The ex is wrong for the verbal abuse but remember, you are only hearing his side of the story! For all you know, the 12yo might even be his biological daughter! You apparently are this mans plan B, for now, but if he is ever thrown out or it becomes unbearable at home, he is setting you up to be his next stepping stone! I am sorry to say that men lie and it is even easier to lie, on the net, where you cannot look into his soul!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 June 2020):
 Your right when you say that if anything where to happen with you two then he can't be living with his ex.
Yes respect that he is helping being a dad for the 12 year old girl, but he could still do this and not be under the same roof. So why is he still living there with an ex that he claims is verbally abusive?. Maybe there is more to to this situation than meets the eye. Or maybe he simply has got no where else to go.
I think that there are a lot of complications here, and the fact that his attitude changes when you say that your not comfortable talking on the phone a lot is an alarm bell for me.
Go by your womans intuition, your gut instinct. If your don't like the the situation, or are uncomfortable with anything don't be afraid in these early stages to just walk away, and find a relationship rather lest complicated.
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