A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A good friend passed away last year. It was very unexpected. Her husband [widower, I think you call him] contacted me yesterday afternoon and asked if I would like to go out sometime. I was pleasantly surprised and told him I would. Now today, he sent a message stating: I want to get together, but I'm afraid I want more than what you're ready for, and that's not fair to you.My heart sank at this message, because I don't know what this means. We did not discuss relationships or anything deep, just getting together for a walk or coffee or dinner. What does his message mean, that I'm not ready for what he's ready for? Is he hinting that he only wants sex and nothing more? Because I don't want that, but never once did either of us mention anything about sex, relationships, or anything. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2020): Very odd behavior on his end, I'd say.
I would think most normal adults would get together and THEN send that text if they couldn't say it in person.
Maybe he is kind of a juvenile guy and has a serious case of blueballs and doesn't think he can control himself?
If you really like him, then yes, ask him what he meant.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2020): "I was pleasantly surprised and told him I would. "
Sounds like a guy you wouldn't mind.
I met this guy at out complex swimming pool. Was flattered his eyes were all over my almost naked self. Scolding myself some after having sex with him 3 hours later. But he was drop dead gorgeous. Became his friend with benefits 2,3 4, 5x a week. 'You're place or mine.' was our theme. But I didn't mind.
You should see how good looking our kids are. We're married 35 years now.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 June 2020):
 My opinion, I don't think you should ask him what he meant. Contacting him after this message is badgering him.
He lost his wife, and suddenly, so he's still grieving. His message is not about what he thought you wanted, but a realisation of what he might want and what he's able to give.
In a moment of self reflection he decided it was unwise, at this time, to open a door that can't easily be shut without hurting someone.
Leave it alone. You're a grown woman and don't need him to spell it out for you.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (9 June 2020):
You need to ask him what he meant. Everyone is assuming sex but it sounds to me like he wants a serious relationship with you! You need to ask for clarification. Don’t make assumptions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2020): If you were 19 and got a message like that, run. You're big girl. Have coffee and find out if you're ready for whatever.
You sound smitten, so give him a try. Maybe it sex and something more.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (9 June 2020):
 If he said that he wants more than what you're ready for then clearly the innocent cup of coffee is probably an attempt to date you or hook up. Either way, it isn't what you want so you should think seriously about that fact before being in contact with this person again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2020):
 I'd wish him well, and look OUTSIDE of the friend circle for someone to date.
He chose to cancel the plans FORWHATEVER REASON, and all you can really do is accept that and move on.
None of us can know what is in his head or heart. I'd leave him be and focus on YOUR own life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 June 2020):
 Not knowing the man and based solely on your post, I suspect he wants sex but rather than put in the effort to court you and build up a relationship to see if it ultimately leads to what he wants, he said what he said to test the waters, to see if he would be "wasting his time" going for a walk/meal etc. Seems rather uncouth to send such a message without even meeting up first. Is he usually a socially awkward person?
You don't give any information about your own situation, except to say you are not looking for "just sex". Don't be pushed into something you do not want and which is not right for you. You will only regret it.
From your post, I assume you like this man as a person, otherwise why would you have agreed to see him? In your shoes I would respond with a simple text: you will have to elaborate as I do not know what you mean by your last message. Stick to your guns and, if he is pushing for more than you want, tell him so, wish him well and leave it there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2020): Actually this can go either way. It can mean that he is pulling back his offer to get together, or it can mean that he wants to be more than just a friend. I would think the first meaning is probably the more likely one that probably he has a change of mind and doesn't want to be seen togetherat this stage. Yes you can ask him to clarify.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 June 2020):
Hi there. This is one of those situations, where you need to read between the lines.
I would say, he wants a bit more than just a coffee, a walk or dinner.
It does seem like sex is on the cards.
Of course, he's not going to say that straight out, because he would know what your answer would be.
He is kind of beating about the bush by making a legitimate reason to see you by suggesting these casual ideas.
His wife only passed away last year, which isn't very long, and it is too soon to go looking for another relationship.
If it was me, I would be thinking very carefully about saying yes to his offer, at least until you make your thoughts very clear to him, from the beginning.
So there is no doubt whatsoever as to what you mean.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2020): Why don't you ask him...in fact, why didn't you ask him at the time he suggested it?
You will get a lot of maybe's, probables, and guesses; but get it straight from the horse's mouth!!!
Call him and ask him...exactly what did you mean by what you said? Then decline the offer! He said it's probably more than you're ready for...there's a big-fat clue!
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