A
male
age
30-35,
*lwayswondering
writes:Good evening, Dear Cupid Community:My problem is that I'm too "friendly". Or it seems this way. Girls always look at me as a friend. I ask you this: Who you rather date somebody you helps you with you problems or talks to you often, and cares about you. Or, have a guy only care about you BECAUSE your in a relationship. The former seems more appealing to me. However, I'm biased because I'm in this situation. My friends say (majority girls) "I don't know how you are single... You are smart, funny, cute, nice, etc...". Well, obviously I'm not that because A) your already in a relationship or B)you rejected me... I understand that the guy has to ask the girl out (It's funny, to me, if you like somebody, then ask s/he out. I see girls asking guys out, but rarely). But, on to my question. People say that once I stop looking, it will happen. I think the problem lies in terms of thinking about it. You can not look... But a person may still think about the loneliness. My question: How can you stop thinking about this? Is it possible to look for someone and it will happen? Or do I have to follow this garbage of a notion: "If you stop looking, then it will happen". Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): As you said yourself, if you don't know what you want in a person, it makes it impossible to be in a good relationship. I've seen people get into relationships not knowing what they want, but they always end badly because of misplaced expectations and incompatibility issues -- in that case it may be better to be single than to be consumed in a bad relationship.
If you don't know what you want at the moment, then it'd probably be better to work on yourself and wait for the right person to come along. I have a tendency to rarely get attracted to people, but when I do, I always make the effort to ask them out. Doesn't always work out you want, but you learn something about yourself every time you do it -- you won't learn anything, however, if you're not attracted to them.
A
male
reader, Alwayswondering +, writes (24 August 2010):
Alwayswondering is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ tennisstar88
-I'm in university. My last relationship ended because she was experimenting with my feelings. Constant comparisons, wanting me to be like "this". Never felt about me the same way I did for her. If I see a friend who is not feeling good, I will ask why. If they want to discuss something, then they will talk to me. If not, then they don't.
@ LLindy87
- I want to be with someone for a really long time. Preferably the rest of my life lol. We will see what happens I guess.
@ answerfromtheheart
-I tend to agree. However, most of the people I ask out are unaware that I like them. I don't "want" a girlfriend for the sake of wanting one. I don't believe in this type of social recognition.
@QuirkLady
-1. Alright? I don't believe I am desperate, or I probably would have "settled" by now.
-2. I agree. Except, i don't do that. I listen as a friend. Not as away to get into her pants or in hopes of becoming a boyfriend.
-3. I agree.
-4. Hmm. Well, I show confidence, I'm outgoing. (Many people both guys and girls have said so). Unless they are lying to me, but I don't think they are. I will see what happens. I think part of the problem is that I know what I want in a person? Where as most people at my age (19-20) do not know? Idk.
-Thanks for the comments!!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 1. Women can tell when you are desperate for a relationship. Nothing turns a woman off faster than a desperate guy.
2. No woman likes a guy who listens to her as a means to an end. We can tell when you do this. Nobody owes you a dang thing for listening to their problems.
3. Don't try to weasel into a relationship by pointing out all the things you do for the other person. If you want to be someone's boyfriend, ask her relatively quickly; don't hang around and assume she knows you like her because you're friendly. Make a move after a short while or be forever regulated to "buddy".
4. Google "Nice Guy Syndrome". You've got it bad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010):
Forget about what women say they want. Just look at what actually works on them.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (24 August 2010):
 The reason why that "Stop looking, you'll find" saying works is because when you are looking, you look too desperate and people reject you because of that.
No girl wants a guy who is desperate to date her, and vice versa. If a girl came around and tried hard to be with you, you wouldn't want her either.
You want to get to a point that you don't "need" a girlfriend, but if a nice girl comes around, you would "Want" to get to know her.
Then it's more like you are intrigued by a girl as in: "Hmm, I like you, you seem interesting, I'd like to know more"
And not desperate to just have a girl next to you.
When it comes to relationships it's about quality not quantity. and sometimes quality takes a while to find.
Hang in there.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 I ask you this, do you want a girlfriend just to have a girlfriend or are you willing to wait for the girl who you'll end up with? Don't settle :)
My best advice for you is to focus on yourself, forget about trying to find a girlfriend. When things are meant to happen for you they will. That does not mean stop flirting, stop showing interest or being avoidant by any means. Still flirt, still show interest in girls you like. But something that people like in general is a challenge.
Here's my second advice, out of all your friends that are girls, pick the one that you want to be with and try to be really good friends with her. Sometimes friends become more but it will take some boldness on your part, you can't expect the girl to read your mind or know that you want more. Honestly, I'd be open to date some of my guy friends if they told me they wanted to give it a shot. Hell, why not take the chance? You only live once.
GOOD LUCK :)
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 I'm wondering why you're falling into the friend zone every time. When was your last relationship and how did it end? I'll say this as stupid as it sounds but guys do like the ones that are a bit of a jerk. I don't know what it is but there's some truth to that possibly even worth looking into. Yes, we want guys who talk to us often (but not too much of where were annoyed, but just a right amount to keep us wanting more) caring definitely, and omit the part of helping with our problems..that's what our girlfriends are for. Right there is why I think you get classified into the friend zone. You want to care but not too much of where your babying the girl, and problems are ok to talk about if they randomly blurt it out, but guys just don't understand girl's problems so that's why we confide in our friends. As far as the guys asking out girls, we were taught at a younger age if the guy is into you he'll ask you. We need to break that norm, but maybe when men and women become completely equal so we've got quite awhile to go. There's also truth to when you stop looking then you will find someone..I found my husband after I ditched this guy who snubbed me. So things do have a funny way of working out but in due time. I suggest you back off the idea of not finding anyone just focus on you and what you want to do with your life. There's nothing sexier than a man with a great job and some brains. Once you get to university you will meet more people and dating is taken to the next level. Then the other pieces missing will fall into place.
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