A
female
age
30-35,
*ujubie
writes:The man I love (M) lives across the country from me. We have decided that when I move back we will be together but it's really hard for me to cut the ties I have here. I was with M for 1 1/2 before I move and we were on good terms when I left. He understood I had to go and live my adult life(seeing as he's 8 yrs older than me) he knew that I needed to experience a world outside of what I had. So he let me go. Well I have a FWB kinda situation and it's been going on for over a year and I am supposed to be going and seeing M in less than a month but I slept with my FWB less than a week ago. Now I'm going to tell him. And he is going to be fine with it but how can I let go of this FWB situation. There's so much I enjoy about it. And I havent seem M in 9 months and the lack of sexual encounters is too much for me to stop.. And he again will be fine with it but at the end of the day I feel like shit because of it. I'm still sleeping with someone even though I have an amazing man who is waiting for me. I need help and constructive advice on what to do Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): I can see why you feel like shit OP. You're basically having your cake and eating it. To be honest M sounds like a bit of a pushover. I mean come on OP if the roles were reversed and you told him you'd wait for him would you really think he is serious about you if he was still sleeping with and had feelings for someone else? Be honest with yourself OP. Personally I wouldn't be okay with that and I wouldn't wait for a person who couldn't wait for me too. There's an imbalance here and I think that's what makes you feel bad.
To me M's behaviour and being fine with you being with someone else is not a good thing. To me that's not an acceptable position, it seems he may be a doormat type, or perhaps he's not really that serious about you, or maybe he has a lack of self-respect. Especially seeing as he's not dating other girls.
Now there is also the problem of you being far more emotionally invested in this other guy than simply FWB's. Because put simply OP proper FWB's can be ended tomorrow without any upset or "need" to be with them. You have said it yourself you have real feelings for this other guy and moving back is not going to make those suddenly disappear. I mean surely you're not just going to cut your FWB completely out of your life once you move back are you? No, so if you get back with M once you get back and are still in contact with your FWB then that you will be emotionally cheating on M from the outset. Now even if you decided never to contact your FWB once you got back you will very much need some time to get over him, I really don't know why you think you can sleep with a guy you have feelings for, then a couple of days later start a completely new relationship with another guy.
This presents another issue then OP, if M knows you have these feelings for this other guy then how in the hell does he think that you can just start a relationship once you move back? What gives him the idea that that will work and not just be a rebound? That's why I think he's either desperate, inexperienced or a pushover because frankly that's not a situation that will be good for him at all.
OP you're right to be worried there is a 90% chance this whole thing is going to get very messy and blow up in your face. You can't be that deluded to think that you can switch from a guy you've been seeing for a while now, have very strong feelings and desires for to another guy who is willing to let you have all that in the hopes that when you get back it's going to be some kind of special, romantic thing, essentially M is showing no strength of character and is letting you walk all over him. Unless of course he doesn't know how strongly you feel for this other guy,if that's the case Op you should feel very guilty because you're not giving him all the info with which to make an informed decision. You're letting him believe that it truly is an FWB situation that you can drop in an instant when that is not the case, is it? If you're purposefully withholding that info from him OP then that makes you a cheat and a liar. Look I don't mean you're purposefully deceiving him without caring, I'm not saying you're heartless, it looks like you really haven't thought this through fully or maybe just don't understand the complexities of what you propose, you may just be under the wrong impression that you can just drop this other guy emotionally but I'm telling you now that will not happen, if we could just switch our feelings off that easily then there would be no reason for sites like this to exist.
This is not the movies OP, you're going to be pretty heart broken over losing your FWB and you will still be in contact with him, missing him and talking lovingly with him, do you really think that will be acceptable in a relationship with M while this is going on? Are you really the kind of person that can play with peoples feelings like that and not feel bad about it? Because OP I don't care about M or your FWB, you're the one here asking for advice and I truly believe if you're a person of conscience this is going to hurt you a lot. You will be hurt losing your FWB and you will be hurt when you realize you're doing wrong by M.
The best advice I can give you is to be honest with M and let him make his own choice if you haven't already been. Second once you move back don't jump head-first into a relationship with M. Take some time alone to get over your FWB. Take some time to really consider whether being with M is something you really want or whether your emotions and fantasy have gotten the better of you. Most of all though just think, think long and hard and listen to your head. Try and step outside of your emotions and analyze this situation in terms of what's best and not in terms of what you feel or want.
A
female
reader, Jujubie +, writes (20 April 2012):
Jujubie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionM is actually not seeing or sleepin with anyother girls. And we will be together as soon as I get home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): I think you are looking at this the wrong way. You don't have an amazing man waiting for you...he told you you could see others and he's doing the same! He let you go! Don't think for a second he's not seeing other girls so you have a right to see who you want.
You are single. Neither of these guys are committing to you so no reason to feel guilty about anything except having sex with guys who don't want you for their own.
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A
female
reader, Jujubie +, writes (20 April 2012):
Jujubie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah we were officially broken up when I left. And there is just something about my FWB that's so addictive. Just the way he acts and talks and just his entire demeanor makes me extremely attracted to him and it's really hard to just turn that off when I see him. Since I haven't seen M its hard to feel wanted and that's what my FWB makes me feel. M makes me feel like that but it's different because he's so far away. I want him so much but the waiting is so hard to do. :/ part of me I think is just worried about how i will feel once I move. And leave my FWB I mean regardless if you're not supposed to have feelings with FWB, i grow to love people and I can't turn that off. It's tHe friendship connection that's hard for me to break off so maybe I'm just trying to hold onto it for as long as I can.
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A
male
reader, Cozmo  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Did you decide you were totally apart when you left? if so, its fine. Anyway if you are going to see M, why can't you sleep with him?
But if you are doing a LDR then you will need to find it in yourself to stop this FWB. It is all in your will power.
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