A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Lost my boyfriend a year ago through suicide. People are telling i should move on cause we were not married. In my heart i still miss him a lot. Recently ive discovered that im having a crush on my tenant, which is when my late boyfriend died i couldn't stay in that house alone so i rented it out. I need help should i keep on thinking about him because to be honest when he comes to drop the money for rent we both can't look into each others eyes. There is this thing that i feel for him which i dont know what to do with it. When he comes and want to look at me he will wear spectacles but without them he becomes shy. Should i forget about him and keep on mourning my boyfriends as i ussually do?
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crush, money, move on, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Melanie0517  +, writes (28 October 2014):
There is no time limit or time table on how you experience grief. If you are feeling things for someone else, that is great, it means you're healing. Healed? No, probably not, maybe not ever, but to push yourself down and make yourself miss is terribly sad. Sometimes you will need to push away the sad memories, it will make you feel guilty, but you're alive and you must live. You can even set aside time to grieve and miss and cry, I know many who do this. For some it's necessary, but you will have to push away those sad thoughts at other times and LIVE. It's hard to find the balance, it can take time.
You should not forget what you are feeling for this new man, you deserve to be happy. You can be happy and miss, I do it everyday. Don't let anyone tell you you're wrong, grief is love, and moving is does not have to mean letting your ex go, it just means learning to love him in a different way.
Don't turn to medication, grief is not depression, talk to a therapist if they are familiar with traumatic death and grief. No one else will be able to help you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 October 2014):
 In my religion we are allowed to mourn publicly for a parent, spouse or child for a year... 30 days for aunts, uncles, cousins or siblings.
I am sorry for the loss of your bf. I am sure you are in emotional pain as suicide leaves those still alive hurting badly. He must have been in incredible pain to leave you.
You have mourned for a year.. it's time for you to move on... if you are unable to move on with your life (as your bf would have wanted i am sure) you should consider some therapy with a grief counselor.
If you find the tenant attractive then it means you are healing and that's good....
NO do not keep mourning it sounds to me like you are ready to move on but you have survivors guilt. DON'T Your BF's suicide is NOT your fault nor is it a reflection on you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 October 2014):
 As you are still in a state of mourning I would suggest that you consider developing ideas on a productive project to occupy your mind and help you build some resilience within you.
A project to take your mind off your grief needs to be a project that will keep you busy from time to time and will result in something you can see, or achieve, once it is finished.
So here are some possible projects:
1. Start a vegetable garden or a garden of herbs you can use when cooking.
2. Learn a new skill. Enroll in a class to learn a new skill.
3. A craft project. Is there a craft you would like to learn? Ask a friend to teach you a craft then tackle a small project.
4. What skills do you already have that could be used to develop a skill.
5. Is there a skill - making something - that could result in you making an inexpensive product that you could sell in a local market?
A project will lead to you achieving a goal that will leave you feeling proud of creating something. And all you to see that as one door closes then is another door waiting to show you that so much more is possible, despite the terrible grief of losing a loved one.
The Project suggestion is to take your mind off your grief, and is instead of considering your tenant as a possible love interest.
Your tenant is important as an income stream. If a relationship starts then the tenant may try to manipulate you to get lower rent.
Of if a relationship fails it will be uncomfortable trying to collect rent from an ex.
Collecting the rent is your business. So keep it professional and don't mix business with pleasure.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 October 2014):
I understand that this is a bewildering time. Always remember that you are not responsible for the actions he took. Any death is horrible when it is someone you love dearly.
But suicide hurts those left behind so much more.
I wrote the following article four years ago and I am sharing it with you now:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/coping-with-bereavement-of-losing-your-love-to.html
I hope it answers some puzzles that are weighing you down right now.
Eventually you will start to feel better, though it takes time.
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014): Sorry for your loss but don't cry too long; it's takes time for a broken heart to heal I'm quite sure he would want you to move on.I been there I know.Good Luck
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 October 2014):
 It's not healthy to mourne for an extended period of time but whether or not you were married to him has nothing to do with how long or how much you mourn. The crush may be just that9 acrush) so letting that relationship mature some more without getting too involved would be a good idea.Let a bunch of time pass befor you do anything towards nurturing the crush so as to not fall into a mistaken feeling. Morning the eparted,especially one that left on purpose can be like a cancer, so be good to yourself and seek some help getting through this trauma.
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