A
female
age
41-50,
*arrie77
writes:My ex broke up with me in January. We still live together due to financial reasons, and have agreed to stay in our current place until our lease is up at the end of the year.I have moved into the spare bedroom and we live as roommates now. Thing is, I am going absolutely flipping crazy. I can't understand this man for the life of me. He broke up with me, but continues to be all touchy feely with me. He flirts with me, and plays around with me like we did when we were together. If I make comments about him meeting or dating other women, he gets upset and asks why I say such "stupid things".We are nearing the end of our lease and he suggested WE start looking for a new place. He sends me listings and wants me to follow up. I can't understand why he wants to find a place with me, his EX-girlfriend! WTF? He clearly knows I still have feelings for him. It would kill me if he ever brought home a girl to his space in OUR house. How could he possibly think that I would be okay with that? How can we both move on with our lives if we are still in the same living space?To me, he acts the same as if we were still together, minus the kissing and sex. To others, I am just his roommate. I know he's talking to other women and has posted online on dating sites. I just don't get why he's acting the way he is. There's no way I can move with him into a new place as his roommate. I still love him so much but I can't do this if I know there is no chance our relationship will re-kindle. Some friends have told me it's a sign that maybe he wants to move forward with me. Others say he's using me. I am so confused and my mind is such a mess. What on earth do I do?
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broke up, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, kissing, move on, moved in, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Sit him down and ask him what he is playing at. Ask if he wants to be with you or not. If he doesn't want to be with you any more, tell him you are not interested in getting another place with him and he needs to stop playing with your emotions by flirting with you ect. Personally, i think he is just stringing you along because he knows he can. He wants you to stay put and pay your share until the lease is up AND he doesn't want you taking men back to 'his' home in the meantime.You say his ways are driving you crazy. So try and find the courage to assert yourself, ask and expect answers and start drawing up your boundary lines.
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 This situation has a little bit of sting to me personally, as I know what it is like to be a guy who is interested in a woman who lives with her ex. I met a girl that I REALLY clicked with and thought was amazing. We had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company. Only one problem...
She still lived with her ex-boyfriend.
And, understandably, she didn't tell me this at first. For a month we spent almost every day together. At first I thought it was odd that she never volunteered for us to go back to her place, but didn't push the matter.
Her apartment was part of a block of buildings that included several businesses and restaurants. The restaurant next door (the windows of her apartment were just a few feet from the balcony that came off of the upstairs bar) was a favorite of ours.
One rainy night we went out and had some drinks, then bought a big bottle of wine and out of the blue she asks me if I would like to go back to her place! I said yes, of course, and off we went.
Her place was very nice. Marble countertops, stainless steel appliances, very unique. And maybe the most unique aspect of her apartment was that it was a loft. It was one big open area. And on each side of this large room was a bed, about twenty feet apart. I noticed there were two beds, but didn't ask. She had never explained her living situation. I assumed she would when she was ready.
She put on some music, Kings of Leon (she introduced me to the band, and it became our favorite). We opened the windows and let the sound of the rain in. We drank wine, and a lot of it.
We took a bath together in her Jacuzzi bathtub. It was a great evening. By the end we were rather drunk and naked. And although it may seem bizarre in hindsight, we got out some permanent markers and drew body art on each other. I know...weird. Flowers, designs, etc. We had sex and at some point fell asleep on her bed.
Sometime early the next morning, I was woken by the sound of the apartment door opening. We were still naked on her bed, the drawings on our bodies had rubbed all over her sheets. With one eye cracked I saw her door open, and a guy slip in quietly. If he glanced over at us I had not seen it, but it was obvious he was aware we were there. He quietly walked in, with a dog running in past him.
I was mortified!
I did my best to cover myself, acting like I was just moving half-asleep. He walked over by the bed across the room, the dog wandering around close to him. He got a few pieces of clothing out of a dresser, whispering to the dog to "come here" a few times. And there was one moment where I knew he was looking at us. I was keeping my eyes closed as best I could and still catch a few glimpses.
Then he left.
She never woke up. But I was instantly wide awake.
A little bit later, less than an hour, she began to move and wake up.
Long story short (something I am not good at), she woke up and I put my clothes back on. I was parched and a little bit hungover.
Once I new she was fully awake, I mentioned the little matter of a guy walking in while she was still asleep. She was immediately worried, asking what he had done, when he had come in, and whether he had seemed aware of us in bed.
This was my first sign that something was very wrong. OF COURSE he had noticed us. And why would that matter? Surely it was just her gay roommate who wouldn't care about the fact that she had a naked guy in her bed?! (I in now way mean that to sound prejudiced, it was just one of many scenarios my mind was forming to explain what in the hell had happened.)
Then she mentioned, as if it didn't (or shouldn't) matter, that the guy was her EX BOYFRIEND!!!
Wow.
Then she explained that that was why she had never offered for us to come back to her place, and that they were completely separated and didn't have sex. That they were okay seeing other people, and had to live together for another month or so until their lease was up.
I was floored, and later that day told her I needed to step back from the situation. I already had issues with the last serious long-term GF and her ex (the one that had gone to prison) and didn't want to be back in a losing situation.
Fact was, they did still have feelings for each other. And it is hard enough to deal with your ex being involved with someone new when you don't live together! She was stuck in limbo. She still had feelings for her ex.
***But this is the key: They were too dysfunctional to be in a relationship, but too comfortable and attached to fully end things. And whenever things were not ideal with someone new, they would run back to each other. And no one should pretend that there were not nights when they had one drink too many, and also revisited the passion between them.***
In these situations there is always the one who still wants to be together, and the other who likes the convenience and benefits. Care to guess where those lines are drawn? The one who decided to end the relationship is almost always the one prefers the convenience and benefits.
The other, the one who was broken up with, still holds on to the tattered remains of the relationship in their heart. It is a very sad situation.
But there are boundaries that exist specifically to keep this from happening. Separating emotionally and sexually is just as important as separating physically. If a couple didn't live together they would never continue to spend most of their time together after separating. That is just part of the deal.
It will definitely prevent any other legitimate relationship from developing. And you can bet everything you own that eventually one will bring someone home and force the other to see just how fragile and superficial the "commitment" is between them.
You are now in a place where a storm is brewing in the distance. And when it comes it will be the most chaotic and devastating thing imaginable. It is inevitable. And everything that seems civil and understood will be shattered. You are both assuming a lot of things about the other. That they will not hurt you, that they will not start seeing someone else, that they wouldn't throw something in your face. Things are ripe for you to end up hating each other's guts.
Not long after that her ex began seeing someone else, although he hid it from her at first. This girl got so screwed up in the head that when they moved out and got separate places she spent almost a year alternating between stalking him and throwing herself at other guys in an attempt to hurt him and make him jealous. Anyone that knew them knew it was pointless to be involved with her because she was still only concerned with playing games with her ex. The boundaries were difficult to find even long after they finally separated.
I would guess this situation has you confused and conflicted in many ways? It probably feels like your life is on hold as it concerns dating, and even vocation and friendships. You either choose your direction in these areas with your significant other in mind or as an individual.
Because you are the one still with strong feelings you are by far the most vulnerable. This will tear you apart if he begins seeing someone else. Yet there are no rules that officially prevent him from doing so.
Believe me, he will realize this.
There is only one road back to clarity and confidence, and that is to move out and move on ASAP.
I know this has been a ridiculously long response, but I really want to convey all of the different parts of the equation that I have experienced or know to be true.
Hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 June 2011):
it's sounds like he's using you as a security blanket. He's talking to other women, but obviously doesn't have anything serious lined up yet. So in the meantime he continues to play house with you and be touchy feely with you so he doesn't have to face the fact that he's now single and doesn't truly have "anyone" (as people who fear being alone tend to look at it). he wants to feel like he's still keeping the door open with you. And he talks about you two getting a new place together because he likes this arrangement - having you around, just your mere physical presence is comforting to him because he can still pretend he's in a relationship or not feel like he's truly "alone" and yet he's got no obligation to you (since obviously he had huge problems with you which is why he broke up with you) and can continue to shop around for a new relationship.
The best thing is if you can move out immediately, maybe you can move in with friends while still paying your share of the rent. Yes that really sucks but it could be a lot better on your mental health than continuing to live with him waiting til your lease is up. ... If you have to continue living under the same roof, then you should maintain clear boundaries with him and not entertain the thought of getting back with him no matter what signals he's giving you (remember there's a reason he broke up with you in the first place).
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Living with your ex is tough, I have been there myself and it was a weird transitional time between being a couple and being single again - it definitely does neither of you any good and makes everything more complicated. You dont actually feel like you have properly split up until you move out for good, while you are still under the same roof it is still too close to be 'just friends'.
What you need to do is make it clear to him how you feel and what you want - tell him that under no circumstances will you move into a new place with him as roomates. Tell him you still have feelings for him and would like to give it another try, but if he does not want to give it another go then you will have to go your seperate ways once the lease is up and that will be it, over for good.
I know you think he knows how you feel - but you need to make it crystal clear for him and explain everything you have said in this post. At least he will fully understand your position, and will give him the opportunity to think about what he wants.
It sounds like at present, he is confused and because of your living situation he is still in pseudo couple mode. It was the same for my ex and I when we had to live together for a few months until our lease was up - but we were a bit worse! We still had sex, were flirty etc and it was actually better than when we were together! It was like we had just met again, it went back to being fun, flirty and lighthearted rather than all the rows we had when we were together. I honestly think it is just the situation, living with an ex is incredibly confusing for both parties, you dont fully move on but you know that you are technically single so you start looking elsewhere (as in your ex's case).
All you can do is make it clear one last time how you feel and what you want - if there is no chance at getting back together then you tell him you are finding a place of your own and you will wish him all the best for the future, but that is the end of it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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