A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a female friend who's married with children. I've known her for 5 years and we work at the same company. I speak to her maybe 2-3 times a week and we usually go for coffee at least once a week.I am very fond of her, I would say I love her, but I have never told her nor given any indication. I would not want to be the reason her marriage ended and I would not want to risk our friendship. I have no ties, but I am trying to be responsible.She has been very attentive and responsive, we help each other out, we're a kind ear and a shoulder to cry on and we are generally there for each other. She has made some clumsy gestures in the past that suggest she's into me, but has never said it. I have laughed off the gestures and generally squirmed my way out of the situation. I don't encourage her. I mark her birthdays and if I see anything jokey I think she'll like ($5) I'll buy it for her.More recently we were talking about what I want from life, specifically about children. I said I don't want them and would never date a woman with kids.Since then, she has almost completely ignored me. I sent her an email last week and she said she's not actually ignoring me... but has pretty much ignored any attempt at contact since.I've told her that if she wants to end our friendship then I'm OK with that, as long as I haven't offended her. She insists that nothing is wrong.Have I crossed a line here, why might she be acting in this way? Should I just forget about her and move on?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (25 July 2018):
She was clearly looking to replace her husband with you. When you told her that wasn’t going to happen she moved on. Count yourself lucky that you told her before you found yourself in an affair with a married woman. A married woman who has children.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): There is nothing wrong with what you said to her about not wanting kids and not wanting to date anyone with children. If she has a problem with that, it is on her. She should not have asked the question if she did not want to hear the answer.
My opinion is to start letting her go as a close friend. There are a million reasons why she may be putting distance between you now, and you should respect it and let it go.
You will still be work colleagues and can have a chat once in a while, but save the personal, emotional stuff for someone else, please. That is inappropriate behavior to have with another man's wife. Emotional intimacy like that should stay between her and her husband.
Sorry if your feelings are hurt. It will pass. Find other friends to lean on, and let this woman go and get her marriage back on track.
Best of luck,
R
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2018):
 Give her some space and time, OP
She may come around to realize having a friend in you is something she likes.
However, she might also realize that being friends with you and having some sort of crush or romantic feelings towards you IS NOT optimal for her marriage.
Why is life so complicated? Because there are people in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): I agree with Honeypie.I just want to add that I think the woman involved had developed stronger feelings for you than you did for her. I've seen this happen with friends of my own, who have said to me "Don't men realise what they do to a woman when they act like this?" In other words, what they mean is that the male 'friend' might be quite innocently thinking they are just good friends, but that he is not understanding the effect on her, from her perspective. One female friend of mine invited a very longstanding male friend to come and have Sunday lunch at her mother's house. She described how he was chatting away with her mother and offered to help, and ended up chopping carrots for the meal. My friend found this gesture so endearing - one of many endearing things he did - but it meant far more to her because she had no partner. In your case, the woman is married, but it seems obvious that her husband is not fulfilling all her needs - maybe she finds the laughter, the emotional support, the (small but thoughtful) gift giving to be things that her own husband does not do.As an adult, you do - I think - have a responsibility to bear in mind how the other adult will be experiencing the shared situation and friendship. You are only seeing it from your perspective, not in terms of how it will affect her. It's not really quite fair to act "innocent" - though I do understand why you think you are - because you have, ultimately, blurred some emotional boundaries with her - possible (to your credit) ONLY because her emotional boundaries were not quite closed off, due to not being fulfilled by her husband. You haven't taken into account how your actions might affect her, even though she has - as Honeypie pointed out - shown signs of attraction to you.Another thing to bear in mind is that, even as a friend, it can be VERY hard for a mother to hear from a man that he would not date someone with children. Even if she had no romantic feelings towards you, it could be hurtful to hear this. I know this might not seem quite fair or logical, but mothers adore their children so much and can often find their whole world expands, that they would think less of someone who said they wanted nothing to do with kids - its a bit like saying "I wouldn't date a black person", ie. it can almost seem like a form of prejudice.She doesn't want to upset or hurt you or to discuss her feelings. She just wants to distance herself and re-establish boundaries that were crossed. It would be wrong of you to expect the same kind of friendship that you had before. Yes, you can be friends with women, but only when you take the adult route of bearing in mind how the friendship might affect her and anyone else involved - you are only really thinking of your enjoyment, not much more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): Hi
OP here.
I think the comment by Youcannotbeserious is a bit harsh. I have done nothing wrong. Why can't I be friends with women? It's a bit weird but as long as I remain respectful of her marriage I have nothing to answer for - it didn't start like this either, it's just got intense over the past year.
I don't want to lose her as a friend, she's very important to me as we have a lot in common and have both been through similar trauma.
Why does life have to be so complicated.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2018):
I think the reason she is now ignoring you is because her "fantasy" of you and "with" you is over.
I think she had hoped that at one point YOU would perhaps be her way out of her marriage or perhaps just "lust" after her. I think YOU saw/see her as a friend, I think she was emotionally invested and hoping for something a bit more romantic. Even if she never said it. Because if she had mentioned it, it might have ended her "fantasy" or she would have to back her her attraction with action.
You basically told her that under no circumstances would you date or have anything romantic with a woman like her. Noe of course that is NOT how you meant it or put it, but THAT is what she took from that conversation. That she someone is of not romantic value to you EVER.
Have you crossed a line? I don't think so. I think you were honest. And I think you saw this as a friendship and nothing more... HOWEVER, you ignored the little red flags because you enjoyed the friendship. You KNEW she was into you and you "pretended" to not see those so you could "keep" her on as a friend. You should have backed off when you sensed there was romantic notions on her part. BUT more so, SHE should have backed off when she found herself developing feelings for you.
I would STOP trying to figure out why she is mad and move on.
Maybe it IS time for you to TAKE the time and MAKE the effort of finding yourself a partner, someone you can share all these little things with, instead of someone else's wife... And definitely NOT someone at work.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 July 2018):
 Should you forget her and move on? Perhaps you should ask her husband and children? I bet they have no idea about her friendship with you.
Your friendship was inappropriate. She is a MARRIED woman. Her husband should be the one offering her a shoulder to cry on, not a male colleague, most especially once you realized that she was "into" you.
How would you feel if this was YOUR wife getting close to a male colleague?
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