A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:By nature I am a planner. My future in laws cut their stay with us short because my fiance called and told them I go crazy when we have company over. That is view of me anyway. Remember that, I am a planner where my fiance is not.The background story is we live in a rural area and have to make lists before we drive a long ways to a grocery store or do whatever. We met up with my in-laws for lunch the day we did our grocery store shopping for the holiday of which my fiance had told me they were coming only for that day. I had all my recipes in order for the holiday and what I needed to purchase and had already purchased everything. At lunch they announced, they would be staying longer and would stay a few more days. I was flabbergasted only because my cookbooks with my recipes were at home and I could not plan for those extra days. On the way home I told my fiance that this changes everything of which he told me that I make it too hard on myself when we have company over. Well, duh, I am the one that needs to clean the house, wash the bedding, make meals, clean everything up after we eat, entertain them and start the process all over again.When his mother called me I could tell that my fiance had talked to her about me because she made a remark about how one gets stuck in a kitchen all day when you have company over and how hard that can be. I felt thrown under the bus by my fiance making it my fault and me made the bad guy when it was his parents that upended the holiday by staying extra days. My fiance told me his mother let things like that roll off her back if she had extra company at her table (she is a fantastic cook by the way). Well I'm not his mother. If he wants that he can go back and live with them.The deal also was that he and his father would grill the ribs like they always do every year. It is a family tradition I guess. Well, I had everything organized on my end for the next day and so I thought on their end as a father/son team. The day comes that the in-laws arrive, they bring extra ribs, my fiance had thawed ours and it was announced by the in-laws that after grilling them they need to slow cook them in the oven in a very large pan. So my fiance said a swear word about that. Mind you, this ended up being 32 lbs of ribs for four people of which a majority would be frozen! I was never told that, about a large pan or slow cooking them all day long, and my fiance at 10:00 at night is running around tearing through my boxes of which I brought with me when I moved in with him trying to find a large roaster pan. I was upset that he was going through my stuff in such a manner too. We found my large roaster oven, which saved the day. So he and his father have to get up at 5:30 am to grill the ribs first and then slow cook the ribs afterwards. It was absolutely a crazy the night before with everyone crowded in my kitchen shouting cooking directions and I was so keyed up I stayed up to midnight and crawled out of bed with them at 5:30 the next morning and had hardly slept. Now my roaster pan has burnt on food from the ribs and it's hard to get off. And no, I don't have OCD or need to check into a mental ward. I just like to have my days planned and my meals prepared ahead of time if at all possible to make everything go smooth.The craziness came from his parents dropping the ball on deciding to stay extra days after we grocery shopped, my fiance telling them I am I get so worked up over company staying over and then he and his father not telling me about how they prepare their ribs. To me grilling ribs is just that, putting them on the grill and then sitting down to eat.I'm still fuming and usually I don't stay angry for long. It was a mess of a day and me running around like crazy and now my brand new roaster pan is hard to clean.The best thing would be to lock everyone in their rooms and come out at feeding time only.I almost long for my quiet single life instead of these nutsville scenerios that always seem to be played out from his side. It's always chaotic and nothing is in an orderly fashion or organized.Sorry for the long rant but I needed to unload and I don't know how to let this anger go this time (I've never been so angry or upset) and I am totally stressed when I am normally laid back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Ahhh, that old adage...Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen applies here.Let me say, you are not alone because I am a planner myself and I have been in "many" similiar scenerios. Growing up my whole family was planners and my husband's side was not.What can be noted here is that you were totally prepared for the day and your fiance's side was not. I had to chuckle to myself reading that.That being said, his parents were rude in the fact of changing their plans and adding days to spend with you and giving you short notice. That increased the burden on you and messed up your cooking schedule. It also appears the communication between their son and them is not good. 32 lbs of ribs is a lot to prepare and they could have, at the very least, told you that so that you had a large enough pan to accommodate the ribs and since it was a family tradition they should have included you in on what it takes to prepare such a large quantity of ribs. How they prepared them was also half assed backwards since you need to slow cook them first all day long on a low setting and then you grill them. I bet the ribs got too dry at some point. But if that is how they have always done it, then that is their problem...just don't let it become yours. I found it totally ridiculous and rude that they informed you at 10:00 a night what was needed to prepare them for the next day.Unfortunately, we cannot control people and that includes my husband's side of the family that are totally ill-prepared and have no sense of order and are not planners. It drives me crazy the way they handle things. Over time I have had to let go of situations. What I have done is this..if there is a big holiday coming up I prepare a month in advance frozen meals that can be thawed and popped into the oven if people give me short notice and decide to stay longer than intended. For last minute emergencies I throw in a cardboard pizza and be done with it. If I don't have frozen meals or pizza, then we go out to eat.My husband's parents have told me the day before that will be coming over the next day to stay the night! It is crazy. I don't bust my butt anymore to clean the house or stay up to midnight doing that. If the house has dust bunnies flying around, if things are not neatly put away and there is disarray, if toilet bowls aren't cleaned and if the cat litter stinks, so be it. AND we go out to eat. I don't make meals on such short notice UNLESS I have made some frozen meals and then only if I have enough time to thaw them.Life is just that way. People can be inconsiderate of others time tables. I know, it's your fiance's parents and it's hard take a firm stand, but sometimes you just have to and even if they are elderly, they have to know the boundaries in your house. I do believe your fiance was trying to diffuse the situation, but on the other hand he shouldn't make you look like the bad guy when it was actually his parents that switched up the plans.But, learn to go with the flow. Maybe don't plan any meals if your company dumps on you like that and sit back and watch the chaos ensue. Just tell them you weren't given enough notice and let them learn to deal. Throw cereal their way or only have snacks like crackers available and no meals. Tell them that was their meal. That approach certainly cut down on the number of visitors we had!It's been very hard for me because I am a planner, but I have learned to chill and just let come what may in some circumstances.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): Although I understand what and why you say plans changed etc, I think you need to 'let go a little'. It is a quality that you have trying to make everything' Just right' and i know you put in a lot of effort so things run smooth.I used to be a bit of a planner (not much but a little) and have felt like you before, but when I met my partner this side of me caused problems because he was so free in the wind (which i found a new love and a free way of life).In time I adopted this attitude and let go of everything that was 'outdated and trapped me to things that just are not important anymore. I found it hard work trying to control situations that destiny had a different plan for. I realized that in the past I did not like feeling out of control (new discovery THAT I WAS NOT AWARE OF AT THE TIME). Life never goes by the map, we wind up in strange places that were never planned and have to make the best of the moment and appreciate those times.Please enjoy life and those around you, a roasting pan is so unimportant that in turning your life around i would cremate it and say goodbye.Please try and 'let go' and you will find more time to enjoy life and the visits and i am sure his family would prefer this side of you. I travel a lot with my partner and have had to sleep in airports, caravans, boats with not much planning and not much money and I have had the most colourful experiences
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 July 2013):
 I think that if you can get so upset over a hard to clean roasting pan,... that means you don't have anything worse in your life over which REALLY getting upset , and you should be very grateful for that.
I think that you are way over-reacting ( or maybe oven-reacting :).
Not that I can't see where you are coming from. I am big on enjoying in peace, quiet and silence my routine and my habits, I strongly dilike too confusion, messyness and... overwork.
So , having guests and visitors over is a mixed blessing- I enjoy the company and the distraction, yet...
But, life is not perfect, and it is not supposed to be. It's not that every moment of every day of your year must come out as if xeroxed from a Martha Stewart's magazine.
If once in a blue moon, for some reason, you have to go with the flow and roll with punches, then just go with the flow and roll with the punches . It's not the end of the world and not a good reason to poison your blood.
There's a fine line between being precise and organized , or even being a perfectionist , which is not a bad thing per se, and being an unbending control freak. And if 32 pounds of ribs are enough to keep you awake at night ( before you have eaten them, at least )- then you are dangerously close to cross that line, or you have crossed it already.
Yes, it was rude of your in laws to self invite themselves and stay longer, with no notice. Then again, this is something that has to be prevented by setting boundaries : If the rule in your house is , no overnight guests, you need to make it clear to your partner, make sure he agrees with it and he enforces it by not inviting people to stay- before a " situation " arises. You need to be very clear on that . That also means that if somebody is so inconsiderate to break the rule and decide to stay longer than agreed- you need to be tough nosed and say , sorry , no can do. That probably won't make you Miss Popularity, but , it's either having things your way or being popular, pick one. It's totally pointless do what other people want- but then pouting and kvetching all the time.
As for the assumed disloyalty of your partner that you see as badmouthing you behind your back : I don't think that this was his intention, his intention was to defuse a potentially difficult situation. You do freak out a bit in this kind of circumstances , and you do not perform well under pressure, maybe he just wanted them to be warned in case you should not be at your usual charming self. So that they did not have to take things personally.
Again, I believe in having structure, it makes your life easier- but YOU have to control the structure, not be controlled by it. So what if you don't have your cookbooks with the recipes - cook something else that you know by heart. So what if there are not enough groceries- send THEM back for a second round of grocery shopping, if the shops are open. And if they are closed, too bad ,they'll just have to eat less, or take you out for meals. The best laid plan always leaves room for last minute touch - ups.
Back off just a little bit , live and let live. They enjoy getting up at 5.30 for cooking ribs ?... Let them. You don't, stay in bed till a less ungodly hour.
Too much mess in the kitchen ? hey, it's once a year , surely you can live with that ?, and , most importantly, HAVE YOUR PARTNER help you clean up. Why should you be the one to do all the work ?
You live as partners, you share the house, you share the invitations, the hospitality, the fun.... and the cleaning up too, obviously.
In conclusion- try to relax, don't take this type of things so seriously , or you are going to let your blood pressure skyrocket over ... a roast pan that does not shine like silver. Better a healthy improviser than a sick organizer !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2013):
 IF this had been your parents would it have been SUCH a hassle?
And honestly, I would have told them they are free to do whatever they need to do to cook the ribs their way and then back out of the kitchen.
I understand wanting things to be perfect and to plan out your days, but I have learned over the years that you ALSO have to be able to handle random/unplanned stuff (and this event seems almost random) because THAT is life.
I would however, be a little bit annoyed with your fiance, but I DO suspect that he knew what their plan was but he didn't tell you.
My husband's family are the same way. They either talk all these big plans and then changes the plans without letting everyone know. Since we for a couple of months lived with them and I did ALL the cooking (breakfast and dinner) for anywhere from 8-14 people not knowing WHO was going to be there and at what time, I don't understand how they can live their lives this way, but it really is about adapting.
I would NEVER run my own household like that, but somehow we all made it work. Learn from it and next time, just go with the flow and honestly, ASK your fiance to help out, when it's HIS family visiting like that. Also, he needs to understand that YOU do not function well with haphazard planning, so HE needs to let you in on the "plan" when so YOU can easier adapt. And for him to say that you go crazy when guests come over is pretty much a slap in the face, THAT part I would be more pissed off over then anything else.
Talk to your man, talk to your in-laws. Figure out a middle-ground that work for you all, as you are soon to be "family".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): It was rude of your in laws to give you zero advance notice that they would be imposing on you. And it was wrong of your fiance not to realize this as the issue and instead to refeame the issue as you simply not wanting them over. I would seriously reconsider if you should marry him. He needs to understand that just because his parents are spontaneous people it doesnt make their way of doing hints right. It is actually impolite to assume their hosts are just as spontaneous. My in laws are like this too. They used to drop by unannounced to call us at the last minute to go to heir house for a get together and be mad at us if we didn't cancel all our plans to do theirs. But thankfully my husband is on ky side. We simply stopped going along with their plans if they came at the last minute. You have a bigger problem which is your husband is on his parents side. If you cannot get him to see your perspective then maybe you can just keep voicing to him your displeasure at the way they do things. Then if this persists for a long time you have grounds for simply opting out of such last minute plans. They want to come over today? Fine. He can be the one to prepare the meals and clean the house
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): I do think you are overreacting. It's not like YOU were asked to cook the ribs and come up with the right stuff to do it. Had they not found the pan I'm sure the ribs would just have gone on the grill. Sure they're better if you slow cook them first but it's not a must.I was actually in a similar situation at work this past week. Cooking one night a week is in my job description, it's a part of my duties and if I mess it up it can adversely affect my performance reviews. I usually cook for three people only, just my own crew... well that day I was informed in the morning that I would be cooking for 10--oh, and here's the icing on the cake, dinner was supposed to be BBQ ribs and we didn't have a slow cooker either! I had to get creative. I ended up using a couple large pots on the stove top with mixer beaters laid in the bottom of it to keep the meat from burning to the pan. But here's my point... I understand exactly HOW you felt. I just don't understand your reaction. Life is going to hand you crap sometimes and you can either freak out about it or don your big girl panties and handle it like an adult. This is your future family you're talking about... what a stupid thing to hold a grudge over. It's not like they were actively trying to cause you problems, just like my boss didn't hit me with the change in dinner plans out of spite. Stuff happens.As for your new pan not looking pristine anymore... I assume you bought it with the intent to use it, right? And it can't be that treasured an item if you weren't even sure you had one. Seriously, you need to let this one go. Good luck.
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