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anonymous
writes:Please help,I am really struggling with my stepson. He is 21 years old, in the army and visits us about three times a year. So, no biggie I hear you say - but when he comes he stays for three weeks or more, we hardly see him as he uses the home as a motel returning only to shower before disappearing out again. He NEVER offers to do anything around the place, he NEVER offers to pay for anything, he NEVER treats his little brother or mother to anything, he NEVER lets us know when he will be home, or back that evening at all. I am now dreading him coming again, as it seems that so far as my wife is concerned this is all absolutely fine and the subject is NOT open for discussion. All advice welcomed! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2022): Hmmm...well Mr: A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2022):, it seems you are allowed to cast aspersions on MY opinion, but I am supposed to keep my mouth shut regarding yours. You'll have to leave that one with me! Maybe it was one of your answers that was equally as cumbersome. Either way, maybe don't bother again if you can't handle your advice being greeted with flowers! However, for those with less fragile egos, thanks again!
PS. No, it wasn't WiseOwlE I was thanking, it was pretty much everyone else. Why, because his comment:
" I take it the young-man remembers when he was younger and had no choice; but to be bossed or lorded-over by a step-father"
was MASSIVELY judgemental, they have no idea what the relationship was like or the sacrifices I made.
Just for the record, if questioners don't accept advice, it might be because they don't accept it, thats it! Its not ALWAYS because they are being avoidant.
Please feel free to comment away, judge etc in my absence, I am done here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2022): No OP you just didn't get the response you was hoping for in the first instance so tried again with a slightly different stance.
I would have understood more if your feedback was to clarify or expand on how difficult it is to have your wife's son come back but by your own admission is barely there but no just a reply which reflects no real interest in any of the replies or that any advice is taken on board.
The most accurate reply by far was by Wiseowl so whoever you are thanking I would assume would be him. If any of the other replies hit a raw nerve then ask yourself why?
I wish you luck in the impeding visit from a lad who is serving our country and is home for a brief stay albeit not under your feet but out and about living his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2022): Well, first of all thank you to those who have offered honest and constructive advice, it's all been taken on board, warts and all. For those who want to tell me how amazing they are/were....well, good for you. Finally, and I wonder if those who answered negatively can handle a little of their own medicine - if I have asked the same question twice in here, maybe that's because your answers were inadequate in the first instance.
But to those who have answered constructively, thanks again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2022): EDIT:
"More than many families in the Ukraine will be able to do."
"He doesn't need to pay you to spend [a] few hours in a bed; and he doesn't have to sit around pretending he likes your company."
P.S.
I take it the young-man remembers when he was younger and had no choice; but to be bossed or lorded-over by a step-father.
Could it be his behavior is a retaliatory response to a past he shared when living at home with you? You reap what you sow. Unless we heard his mother's side of this, or his from his brother; we get your biased side of it. It's all negative, not one compliment. That's what makes your post suspect of hostility towards your stepson. Your detachment is obvious.
Perhaps he is spoiled, I don't know; but the behavior is very typical of college students and young soldiers, sailors, or airman who finally getaway from the regimen of service. We finally get to come home, and we go a little buck wild! Maybe you've never seen videos of spring break in the state of Florida is the US. It's outrageous!
He's now an adult, but I don't think he doesn't love his family; or he wouldn't bother to come home. I take it is his first time from home, and he has new freedom as a grown-man. Give it time, and maturity will mold him into a better role-model for his brother. He's going through that phase in his male-youth, that just might be too far in your past to remember. It's harder to see him through the loving-eyes of a father, because he isn't spawn of your seed.
As for sending money, you didn't mention if the family was in need of his financial assistance. Maybe you should inform him of that if he's unaware. Maybe he assumes you're doing fine financially. You say he never buys his mother or brother anything. Again, we only get your side of this; and we'll have to take your word for that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2022): It's not unusual for stepdads to have issues with stepsons. Sometimes it's a pissing contest, not much unlike biological-fathers and their sons approaching adulthood. Your wife happens to be his biological-parent. A position you don't share; thus, your connection to the young-man is less emotional. You can't feel emotionally-bonded to a guy who was probably an older-child or young-adult when you married her. It takes a rare and special man to adopt another man's kids as his own.
I speculate your stepson was either indifferent, or probably never particularly cared much for you; so your relationship is strained at best. Maybe he'd rather take orders from someone in uniform, and of higher rank, rather than you. Do you resent him for that?
As one anonymous reader wrote:
"This is the second time you have wrote in with the exact same question. Why don't you read the replies again because I'm sure they still stand."
I take it you've never established a bond or father-son relationship with your stepson. If he was a no-good slacker, he wouldn't have joined the military; because they never would have accepted him into voluntary service in the first-place. Yes, I do recall your post; and I do remember he is serving active-duty.
He comes home, and does what most service members do. I am a veteran of the United States Air Force. When home on leave, no different than college students returning home for the holidays; we want to see all our friends! Finally, we get away from all that military discipline; and the regimen of active-duty military service! People yelling at you at the top of their lungs, and barking orders! Scrambling into formation, keeping everything white-glove sparking clean, and your weapons and uniforms impeccably maintained. It's an honor to serve your country; but another benefit from the discipline is how it makes you appreciate your freedom, which you are actually serving to protect. Which makes being free all the more precious to you.
As a soldier or airman, you don't get to come and go as you please. You have to bunk with a battalion of other men, or live in military dorms with nothing but other soldiers. You have to salute officers, and you you snap to attention when a superior officer says so. Perhaps you've never served in the military; so you may not relate to this stuff. I am not excusing unnecessary rudeness or any disrespect towards you; but I don't believe that's your real issue. I think you just don't like the kid; or you would welcome him home, glad he's alive! More than many families in the Ukraine will be able to do do.
I fully understand your point, don't get me wrong. It is quite disturbing and disruptive for your front-door to be the revolving door of a hotel lobby; and your home to be used like a cheap motel. But it's only three times a year!!! What's a little unusual excitement when you've otherwise been stuck at home in covid-confinement most of that time anyway?!! I know for a fact during shutdown he was not allowed to be running to and hither; when everyone was in quarantine and under home-confinement. He had to return to his battalion healthy and ready for duty. He had to have spent some family-time with his mother at least. For the sake of your own argument; I don't expect you to cut the kid any slack. You just don't care for him. I concede.
If he's hardly there, and his stay is no longer than 3 weeks, I still don't get what your big concern and agitation is all about? I simply gather you just don't like him, and because you feel no connection to him; he feels like an intruder in your home. Obviously, he is more welcomed by his mother and sibling. Apparently, she feels he deserves to enjoy himself when he's home; because any day he could be called to battle, and you would probably be very pleased to know he may never come home.
He is preserving your freedom, and protecting your country; and a few free days in your house and some inconvenience is the least you can offer, dear sir.
I've read a few negative-remarks directed at his mother in other posts; but I just don't see how that's even fair. If you want to, you can ask them both to sit-down with you; and ask that your stepson conduct himself with a little more courtesy by spending a little time with his mum and sibling. If that's really important to you. I think that should be up to her, if she was concerned about it. We have only your side of this; so we don't know what she thinks, or how his sibling feels about his stay. You're the one who's complaining. I just don't find it feasible why they would.
To be honest, I don't think he wants to be around you; because the negative-feelings maybe mutual. He may not be able to stand being in your presence very long; maybe because he sees a side of you that his mother can't, but it pits her in the middle. He is the fruit of her womb, her flesh and blood, her eldest-son; and she wants him to enjoy himself, and feel free when he's at home. You want to enforce your rules; and remind him who's king of the roost.
I can see how this healthy male-specimen, striking in uniform, fit and chiseled; and well-trained by his country may pose a threat. He is a well-trained soldier, full of piss and vinegar. That could rub an aging old bull the wrong-way. With all his arrogance and boundless energy.
Looking back, I remember my older brothers when they too served in the Air Force and Navy before me. They came home quite different from when they left. However, they didn't drink or carouse at bars and such. They were in and out with their friends, dating women, and sometimes they came home pretty late. They didn't spend a lot of time sitting around the house; but would run errands (if asked), and liked working on the cars with my father. The difference being, we are all his biological sons; so following his house-rules was preprogrammed. Our respect was reciprocated to his love and kindness to us. Dad also realized when we were men; and no longer boys he could boss around like kids. He tolerated a little disruption with pride. He raised good men. God blessed him.
I suggest you stay on your wife's good-side, and tolerate a little inconvenience for a couple of weeks a year. He doesn't need to pay you to spend few hours in a bed; and he doesn't have to sit around pretending he likes your company. Assuming you probably don't like him anyway. Your posts don't come from a place of love, but resentment and detachment. If I can sense it; surely your wife and stepson do too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): Did the last anon who replied to OP even read the question or was it just a lecture based on how great you are?
He's in the armed forces, comes back three times a year, is barely in the house and is basically on leave.
OP I think like I did last time you asked that you are making a big deal out of it and that's based on what I've just wrote paragraph above. Why would he be doing chores and wandering around shops buying presents when he is on leave?
I would get it if at his age he was under your feet all the time without a job but he does so.im not sure what your problem is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): I am so glad I had my Mum when I was growing up. She was like your wife. My father was like you. Don't get me wrong, I paid into the household as did my siblings as soon as we started to earn anything at all, but we visited for nothing after we'd left home. My mother looked out for me but didn't try to control everything I did. She wanted me to enjoy my adolescence saying it would be my turn all too soon to take on responsibilities of life. I regularly did chores to help my Mum out. She was so lovely.
To the anon who wrote in response to my post saying this 21 year old chap is a child in an adult body and not to expect too much.
I too have two businesses and am a published author. For nine years, I nursed both my mother and my father who became ill concurrently. Just because your parents, or parent, treat you with leniency sometimes, i.e. they picked their battles, doesn't mean you can't turn out great. We paid into the household whilst we lived at home but weren't expected to pay when we visited. My mother wasn't in the slightest bit clingy, she was just generous and kind. My father was very strict on all matters. My Mum wanted us to enjoy our young lives as she had such a terrible childhood. And don't forget anon, males take longer to mature than females.
Congratulations on all your achievements.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): I find it amusing that so many people think it is normal to act like a selfish baby when you are 21. That this makes it out of order if you find fault with them. When I was 18 I had set up my first business and started to buy my first house. My own parents had no work ethic, so don't say I learnt it and followed it from them.
I had no help, no support, no money from anyone else but I worked very long hours rather than drink, watch tv, go out, holidays and all the things which are fun. Now I have five houses all bought and paid for cash, much nicer than many other peoples' houses and was able to retire at the age of 38.
The problem I had was meeting people with the same sort of ethics and lifestyle, I would meet people who did not work and had no idea about responsibility, in the end I met a wonderful guy who had the same ethics and we have been together a long time very happy. Like me he did not want to be with such a person either.
When you are seeking a partner you need to be selective.
The snag is that when you are allowing someone else's child or your own child who is headstrong you are taking a person who needs to be moulded or supervised for your sake and theirs. You don't just give them money because they are too lazy to earn it, you don't just give them an easy life because of it. Most parents who do this do it for the simple reason they are scared their off spring will resent them and disappear otherwise, so in a way they are buying them when they give them an easy life, presents, money. But they are also enabling them. Making it very easy for them to remain babies. The downside to this is that they are still babies when 40 years of age, with no chance of finding a partner who is not another baby, they end up all alone or with a rubbish person who shares their rubbish ethics.
Hence you get drug addicts together, drinkers together, gamblers together, people with lots of debts and clueless about money together, because people who are more responsible and use more sense won't want to know them and let them drag them down to their level.
You can't expect the "child" to be more responsible and hard working than you. Nor can you expect them to pay a lot of money to stay in a tiny shit place. It also depends on whether or not you have a high income. Some parents who have a high income gladly splash the cash about to get their kids to visit. They often don't realise that is what is happening. But it is. I know of parents who have a big house and set aside bedrooms especially so their kids can come and visit. It's an extravagance. It costs a great deal of money to have a bigger place with rooms you do not need.
But they are scared that if they don't do it their kids won't visit. It's a hand out and a bribe. They hate the idea their off spring wont visit and can use that as the reason.
It's actually much cheaper if the off spring visit to pay for them to stay in a hotel for a few nights. But there again they should be paying for themselves. Please dont say but he hasnt got a job, he hasnt got any money. At 21 its about time he did have, and it's something he should be moving heaven and earth to put right - yesterday. Not taking from others instead.
Look at the options you have with this - tough love is one.
Soft love is not really love, it's a cop out to put things off until the damage is done permanently. Life is more fun if you do the play it by ear one day at a time routine letting them get away with murder. But it's not doing them any favours in the long run.
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reader, RitaBrown +, writes (19 April 2022):
I remember this post from before too. And as far as I remember, no one else in the family appears to have a problem with it. Perhaps it's just a case that you and your partner had radically different parenting yourselves and therefore wildly different expectations from young people.
To be honest, I think your step-son's behaviour pretty typical of someone who is barely out of adolescence.
When I was that age I didn't expect to contribute financially when I went to stay with my folks. I still don't! (But I don't expect my parents to contribute financially when they come to stay with me.)
And I didn't spend all that much time socialising with my parents either. I caught up on sleep and visited friends and went out drinking....
I guess I tidied up after myself and did my own laundry but I didn't do much around the house.
And I certainly didn't buy my family gifts or treats except on Christmas and birthdays. Now we're all adults we don't get each other gifts at all. But, then again, we're not much of a gift-giving family.... which brings me back to different expectations for different families.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): The problem you have is not with your stepson, but with your wife. Nothing is "not open for discussion" in a marriage and your wife needs to stop emotionally blackmailing you.
We have no idea what kind of relationship your wife has with her son, why she had spoilt him like that. Guilt? Fear? Both? How does she treat and rear her other kid? (is that your child as well).
It seems that you have no relationship with the older son. Somehow he's off limits. So the problem you have as I said is with your wife and it's not new. What happen is that the bou grew and from a little problem became a big one.
I have no idea what your financiam arrangements are. I'll be blunt. Do you financially support your wife and her kids? If it's the case, well, I'm sorry to say this, I know it's not very feminist of me, but she needs to pay attention when you say that you do not want to finance her ADULT son.
Where do you live? Whose house is it? Again, if this adult man acts rudely, this is very much important. He cannot treat your home as a hotel.
I cannot emphisize this enough. You have a problem with your wife. Is she like this whenever you two disagree on something or is it just when it comes to her son?
You wife is not acting as an adult, responsible and reasonable person. You are enabling her, she's enabling her son, and by extension, you're enabling him too.
I had a problem that was easier to solve, because:
1. it was nobody's son but a dear friend
2. my husband and I were onthe same page
We had to talk to a friend who was treating us as a hotel. And we did have the conversation and of course she had known what she had been doing, but it suited her. She would have gone on like this forever or for as long as we were enabling her.
I would start by controling what I can, if it's the money, well, I'd start there. If talking doesn't help, then show your wife what it means to declare a certain subject to be taboo. DO what youw ant to do without consulting her and simply tell her that you did that to show her what she has been doing.
You need to be united on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): I think you're expecting mature behaviour from a 21 year old male. Not gonna happen.
If I were you, I would be grateful about the fact that you don't see him too much whilst he is still in an immature state. Chill and watch him come and go and realise that later in life he may well display those thoughtful characteristics you talk about. But at 21? No. Because he is a male, he matures later than females and you are basically dealing with a child in an adult body. Hopefully his mind will catch up with his physicality at some point.
But until then, keep the peace with your wife, she is wiser, and enjoy your life in between his visits. Really, it is no biggie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): This is the second time you have wrote in with the exact same question. Why don't you read the replies again because I'm sure they still stand
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