A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had asked a question here earlier, for which I did not receive answers. I think I rather framed it very vaguely. Now I'm here with a follow up question that's more clear.I lost my mind at my husband the other day. He has been ignoring me sexually. We have been married only 4 months now. He is addicted to masturbating and using online videos of real women (not porn) on social media. He had been open to me about his habit even before our marriage. I had been empathetic to him and supportive about it. Our sex life wasn't bad then as we had great sex when we meet (which was infrequent because of LDR). Now that we are living together, it really eats into my self worth. We have a great relationship and emotional bond otherwise. But for sex, he needs very intense attraction and reasons. In my opinion, when a couple literally lives together and spends too much time with each other, the attraction will naturally be mild. He is blaming his low sex drive on something which is a course of normal life. I don't agree with it at all!I know there are times I can be more attractive to him because of my social life or success. (which is not so much the case right now) as everything is WIP since we started this new life here in a new country (I moved for him). He is now hating that I am spending so much time on chores. He is also blaming it on doing too many activities together. But let me be very clear- he is the one who suggests and initiates them mostly. I have now decided to make efforts in creating my own social connections here. My point however is that he is just using these as excuses. He gives a variety of different reasons- His own body hair, his fights with his mother, stress etc. I think that he's basically addicted to masturbation and is being very selfish. I was being really patient and supportive. How I got triggered is when things popped up on his youtube search while he was sitting with me and then he joked about it. The earlier week, he had looked up something similar on a dating and ads platform too- creating a huge misunderstanding and fight between us. He admits to being perverted but also separates it from our sex life and wants ours to remain meaningful. I have been worried sick lately and so burst out once again yesterday and told him about everything I feel. He apologized and said he will stop his habit but also gave me BS about how he needs me to be more active (socially and career wise). The thing is, I am doing everything I can while taking up all the new household chores (he too does them but much lesser than me). I am a little confused here. Am I right? Or is there something I'm blind to? I feel I'm not good enough..but I also feel there's his perversions to blame. Even after being my best version, and so many sparks between us, he fails to act on them. He goes to the bathroom with his phone and spends hours. I feel insulted and desperate and really lost my self respect for wanting to be desired by him. He is also a guy whose fantasy is cuckolding, which he knows I will not ever do. He sometimes brings these scenarios to tease me when we have gotten sexual.Something is wrong and I think I am not responsible for it. But I don't know how to deal with this going forward.I really love him and he is otherwise extremely loving and attentive to me.Please help with some constructive feedback or perspectives on this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): I am not married and maybe not old enough and experienced enough to provide good advice, but I do know about the internet and how addictive porn can be. My girlfriend made me stop and she checks my browser history and I give her all my passwords. Plus she is smarter than me so I know I cannot get away with anything. But I asked for her help and maybe that is the difference. She is also getting me to go to church and stuff and I don't know if I am saved yet but at least I am thinking more about the moral side of things than before. But I am tempted every single day multiple times a day on the porn. Sometimes I give in on masturbation but I am not doing it as often and sometimes I will call her and she gives me positive feedback to keep my hands where they belong. She also had me talk to her youth pastor and he was very supportive without being judging. I was so ashamed talking about this stuff and sometimes I still am, but it is getting easier. I am afraid I might give in to temptation and disappoint her and if she might give up on me. I guess all I am saying is it is complicated and not easy. It sounds that way for you. My two things is he needs to be serious about making a change and being accountable to someone (just like a drug addict or alcoholic). I think you need to know you are not the problem though. You may be part of the solution, but it only works if he is really serious about giving up the porn completely. Either way, you deserve to be treated better. You deserve attention. You sound compassionate and kind. Obviously there was some attraction too. So that is something to work with maybe. Also I developed a kinky obsession on tickling and being tickled. My girlfriend seems to think it is funny and since we are staying virgins foreplay is all we do and tickling is kind of safe. I don't know what his kink is about and I am not in a position now where I want to look that up and find out, but if it bothers you and you don't like it you have the right to say so and that it is a deal-breaker. We don't have to act on every fantasy. I am a kid and even I know that. My girlfriend would say don't forget to pray. I agree with the advice on counseling, but make sure it is a counselor like the youth pastor I talked to that shares your basic values and will not just make excuses for weird behavior. Adam
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): "Our sex life wasn't bad then as we had great sex when we meet (which was infrequent because of LDR)"
This part was what jumped out at me.
You've made LDR work. Well done. Jiayou!
It might however be a double-edged sword that it 'worked'.
It's the fact that your partner, now husband, can satisfy himself through his... imagination, rather than actual physical sex, that might have allowed it to work.
Have you considered though... how much of your desire for having sex with him is driven by your ticking biological clock, and the natural urge to use it or lose it, and how much by actual genuine attraction to him?
One day, after you've had say just your first child, how much willingness for sex will you still offer?
I don't have a definitive solution for you though.
"I have now decided to make efforts in creating my own social connections here."
Still, with your saying the above, I think you're well on your way to adjusting your aim. Jiayou! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): You need couples therapist. No one here can figure it out in one or two paragraphs. There probably wouldn't be any consequence if caught roaming. Just a thought.
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