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female
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anonymous
writes: Am i doing right thing? I've been married for 8 years, together for 12 years and the spark has gone. I feel I love my husband like a brother. He does not pay me attention unless I come on to him. I feel we only have the children in common. I have tried to leave over the years but had no confidence however, I was unfaithful a few months ago and still see this person on and off. I care for my husband but I am not in love with him.Do I pursue a relationship with this other person whom i can't get out of my head and long to be with?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): You talk as if the marriage is over already. Have you actually managed to communicate with each other, have you managed to tell him how you are feeling and what is lacking?
I think you should tell your husband about your cheating. He deserves to know. You never know, whilst telling him, you could let out everything that is obviously built up inside you. Maybe then he'll see what he is loosing, maybe then you will both be renewed in to making your marriage work.
On a final thought - did you really believe a spark would stay with you until the days you died? Marriages can take a lot of hard work, and commitment. It's in these days where you are wanting to leave that communication is most important.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Honey, you have heard agony aunts offer differing perspectives on your situation. If you choose, you can take these perspectives into account IF you want to go through the process of self-reflection. If you can get beyond validating the biases you possess about your situation then you may end up seeing what is important not only to your life but also to the lives of your family. Or you can let emotions dominate your instinct and then do "what feels right"
If we conduct our lives by doing "what feels right", what we are really doing is making choices without taking into account the consequences. I just met my brother-in-law's ex wife this weekend after not seeing her for over six years, and it made me reflect on taking responsibility for choices made.
In the end, we all to answer to at least one person for the choices we make in our lives. That person is the one who stares back in the mirror. I am here to warn you that if you leave your family, it's very possible that one day you will grow to hate the person in the mirror.
Finally, we agony aunts are not mind readers. If you think that the counsel being offered is flawed, then provide us with more information. But based on what little you have given us, I think you will not find what you seek in any other person than yourself. Build a sense love of yourself so that you can continue to be a good mother to your children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): It seems that people only focus on one part of my first post but here is the key part: "Marriage is a two way street and if you have husband that is doing all the taking but none of the giving, then by all means leave." With that said, I am not telling her to continue cheating. I am telling her to leave a marriage that is leaving her unfulfilled. Why should she stay? She obviously is not happy with her husband, because if she was she would not be cheating in the first place. Should she work on her marriage? Only if she wants to. Should she tell her husband if she decides to stay? No. This will only cause him pain and suffering and make him question every move she makes. The question she needs to answer is can she commit to this marriage and give it a 100%? If the answer to that question is no, then get out. My first post is not saying have your cake and eat it to. It is telling her to leave and that people from the outside looking in do not know the whole story, so she should not feel guilty of what others might think or say. Self serving behavior also comes in the form of a husband only noticing his wife because she has to PROMPT him. To him she is someone that is just there, someone or something he has becomed accustomed to. It is sad that she needs someone else to make her feel alive and loved. Overall, do whatever you feel is right FOR YOU because no one can make this decision for you. You have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy. That is my final word. I will not debate this matter any longer with other "agony aunts".
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (11 June 2006):
 Irish49 is correct. Always take the high road. It's too late now but you can cut your losses and end the marriage before your husband finds out. Or never tell him and work on the marriage. Your husband suffers and the kids too. Eventually they'll know what happened. Cheating is wrong. It's the easy way out and also the messy way out. It's never worth it. You're only looking for attention. That's understandable but make sure the person you're cheating with is on the same page. He might just want sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): To the female anon who answered this posting, just below. It's really unfortunate when someone like yourself uses her own bitter marriage experience to avoid doling out responsible advice to a wife who is, in fact, committing infidelity. This wife has said he doesn't pay attention to her but that still does not condone cheating. In fact, it's downright annoying as hell—because nothing could be more selfish and self-serving than a person's 'cheating behaviours' that fails to consider the feelings of one's spouse and their children. So until there is a willingness for her to take responsibility for doing whatever the she needs in order to end this affair, there's little hope for rebuilding her marriage and possibly reconnecting with her husband and turning this marriage into the kind of relationship that she and her family, need and deserve.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): You know I think it is funny that people seem to condem the cheater right off the bat, but they don't live your life. They do not know what it is like in your world. People tell you that the "Grass isn't always greener on the other side." well I say how do you know? People will call you selfish because you are choosing someone else over the life you have built with your husband, but your not. Marriage is a two way street and if you have husband is doing all the taking but none of the giving, then by all means leave. Being miserable in a marriage for the sake of the children, will not benefit them one bit. I speak from experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): Wild Thaing's advice is excellent and I need to add a few thoughts of my own. You are making the classic mistake so many women do. Your marriage is in trouble, you have no confidence, so leaving the husband for the new man is simply 'the easiest way' to escape. I found a great quote and it goes like this "When we discover the honeymoon is over and the spark is gone, all old marrieds will tell you, that this is where the marriage really begins. How you both learn to handle your differences will over time set the tone for your marriage, and your family. Most couples will agree it is a life-long process" Dear, marriage is serious business, it'd damned hard work and so many folks forget they ..signed onto a incredibly, huge committment.
You are wanting to leave your husband and family, to pursue a relationship with another man. What do you think is the the most important quality a man and a woman want in each other? The only one, die-hard quality every man and woman I have ever known, requires in a good, long lasting relationship, is fidelity. So why are you leaving a marriage based on committment for another man and begin a relationship based on a foundation of 'infidelity' and deception. Not a good start is it? And where will that leave you 2 years down the road, when the euphoria fades and reality hits.
Try being honest with your husband. You can get yourself together, dear and really work hard at this marriage. This will mean some good marriage counseling. I need to point out some things you should think through. Here you are with a man for 12 years. You 've had children with him. You both have built a life together-home, cars, household goods, pensions, education savings, retirement savings, friends, extended family..the whole nine yards. But most importantly, you and your husband are a solid, unified team, a Mom and Dad to some pretty wonderful kids. You have a family and nothing in life gets more meaningful than that. So now the marriage has gotten stale and you feel unloved, bored and 'ordinary'. So you step out and you find that lustful, blissful feeling once again, with a new lover and hubby looks pretty darn boring . Here's a possible scenario if you leave your husband and go to your new man-there is that possibility this 'lust' phase will last about 6 months-2 years. Then the harsh reality kicks in and suddenly, the spark goes there too. You risk losing a lot because eventually that wonderful, new, euphoric high with the lover will eventually fade and the fantasy ends. And you will feel 'ordinary' again. With your lover, you have NO binding force in your relationship except feelings. And feelings flux and change, so fast. With your husband you had a solid life, kids, the home, extended family, solidarity and committment. So here you are proposing to blow up the lives and cause deep emotional pain, to your kids, your husband ...all because you hate feeling 'ordinary' and you didn't want to keep your family together? Kinda selfish, isn't it? All I'm saying is, just don't make a life-altering decision that could adversely hurt so many...just based on a feeling of lustful euphoria, hun. What I am recommending is..thinking long and hard. Try looking this man you married through the eyes of compassion and think about rebuilding, first.You and your spouse cannot fix your old marriage habits but you can only start anew. It is possible...many have done it. The fact that you are still together tells me that you both have that little, teeny-tiny bit of commitment which is enough to begin again. If that's still not possible-then go it alone and do some soul-searching. Take some time away and think-long and hard. This is a time of courage, soul-searching, and honesty. But...at least save your husband and family the indignity and pain of watching their wife and Mother, walk out that door and into the arms of her lover. You have so much to lose and the costs are very, very high.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (9 June 2006):
Honey, I am not in love with my wife but I love her dearly. It sounds like you've given up on the relationship you've built with your husband, given that you've chosen to pursue that which is missing by being unfaithful with someone else.
"Do I pursue a relationship with this other person... ?" You ARE having an illicit relationship, so this question is moot. The next question is: What will be the extent of the damage you inflict upon your family? It is not a question of IF you've caused damage - you have, but the severity will be determined by your choices from this point on. You've followed your heart and now your family will suffer the consequences.
Ask yourself: Is this other relationship going to fulfill the holes in your life? Will all of your life goals be satisfied through this illicit relationship or is it just an escape from having to deal with the realities of a life you have chosen to make unbearable?
I could provide you with more questions but I think these are enough. You need to engage in deep introspection before you discover the right questions that will lead you to some quality answers about the person you are, and the person you wish to become.
I feel very sorry for your children. I hope your future choices are made with their well-being in mind.
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