A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have to ask, and I would appreciate people’s responses who have actually dealt directly with divorce, whether that is being the child involved or the parents. My parent’s divorced when I was about 8 years old; my father had been kicked out of the house countless times before this. My dad moved as soon as my mom said it was over across the state, only saw him on summer and holiday breaks. I look back now being an adult and who is in a rocky relationship and see thing differently. At first I remember being upset, but knowing that it was going to happen. I went through my childhood wanting to be with my dad but couldn’t break my mother’s heart and actually do that. So I grew up with my mother. A lot of my childhood when my father was around is gone, I don’t remember much. I was 8 there had to be memories, I think I blocked out my childhood unintentionally. I remember fighting and my mom always complaining and not much more, no family vacations and I know there were some. After the divorce I remember being stuck between the two, handing over child support checks, telling my dad to do certain things while I was with him, just things a child shouldn’t be asked to do. My mom would constantly bicker about my sisters and my actions and habits after we had spent some time with him. Much of what I remember is very negative. My mother was extremely controlling during my teenage years, she took punishment to the extreme. I always thought she was doing her best and if my dad were still around things wouldn’t be so extreme. Anyway, now I am in the position asking myself if divorce is the answer. I remember talking to friends and even my husband about divorce and they have asked if I would have wanted my parents to stay together, I always said no. My mom and dad are very different I see that even better now. I recently listened to the song “stay together for the kids” by Blink 182. I have read different interpretations on it also. I don’t know if it is saying that why stay if there is so much pain, or if it is saying to stay together for the kids and suck it up…So my question for kids and parents of divorced families is….. Is it better to stay together for the kids? Which means to avoid fighting in front of them, truly being unhappy, showing children the wrong way to have a relationship, or to go ahead and divorce? Which means to just call it quits create a schedule for both parents to have time with the child? What is the best option? There has to be one. My mom always said she tried so hard for me and my sister, but my childhood is foggy because of what I witnessed and experienced. I don’t know if it is just my experience that is bad and caused this question in my mind. Any input would be great!!!! Instead of stay together for the kids my question is “what is better for the kids?”
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Do not stay together for the kids. For as much as divorce sucks for the kids - being shuttled to two different homes, being caught in between the parents - it would be far worse if those parents had stayed together.
I used to be firmly against divorce due to religious reasons. But now as I find myself seriously considering divorce (my husband and I have been in marriage counseling and it's just not working) after struggling to stay unhappily married for the last 10 years, I have changed my position after a lot of researching, counseling, and thinking on my own and talking with others of their experiences.
The studies that supposedly show that children from divorced families suffer more or grow up to have more problems than children from intact homes, are flawed because they compare children from divorced homes to children from HAPPY INTACT homes. This is comparing apples to oranges. There is no question that the number one best situation for children is to grow up in happy and intact homes. However. If a home is not and never will be happy, then the only options are divorce or remain a miserable intact home. But these studies do not compare children from divorced homes to children from miserable intact homes which is the only other realistic option for those unfortunate kids. Instead they compare kids from divorced homes with those fortunate to come from happy intact homes. Therefore, you can't point to these studies to say that it is better for the kids to not divorce. Instead all these studies show logically is that it's better for kids to come from happy homes than from miserable ones (well, duh).
There are more recent studies that supposedly show that divorcing benefits the children only if the marriage was "high conflict" and that for marriages that are "low conflict" the parents should stay together for the kids. Again, I find these studies seriously flawed because they look only at the relationship dynamics between the parents, but not on each parent as an individual and how their individual parenting abilities are being impacted by being chronically miserable in life in general.
Being in a chronically unhappy marriage can be extremely soul-sucking, draining, stressful and cause depression. On top of that, SUPPRESSING the unhappiness and putting on an act for the sake of the kids (a "low conflict" marriage), for years on end, adds even more to this unhealthy state of being. The effects of depression: lack of energy, lack of motivation, inability to focus, lack of creativity, easily irritable, often in a bad mood...the list goes on. How can this not negatively affect the children, even if your children never witness you and your spouse fighting???
Other side effects of staying together for the kids is that one or both parents develops coping mechanisms to dull the misery of the unhappy marriage and in an attempt to avoid sinking into depression. but coping mechanisms are nearly always destructive over the long term. This can be anything from having affairs to turning to alcohol or drug use or becoming a workaholic to avoid being home. This just creates more problems. All this in the name of staying together for the sake of the kids.
I have family members who divorced - with kids - and later on remarried. There is no doubt that divorcing was the right thing to do. The kids are not messed up now as adults. I have friends whose parents stayed together for their sake and are STILL married but are so messed up as individuals now it is pathetic. Just because a couple has been married 40 or 50 years does NOT mean they are the epitome of marital bliss. Some of them hate each other. Others have always lived separate lives under the same roof. Others have always been having affairs for as long as they have been married and they are now in their 70s. Their kids (i.e. my friends), now as adults, have ended up repeating their parents' mistakes in their own relationships and are either following in their parents' footsteps of being miserable for the rest of their lives, or else had to go into therapy to unlearn the bad lessons they subconsciously picked up from their parents and to for once develop good relationship skills.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): It's never a good idea to stay together for the children's sake. If the parents are at each others throats all day what do you think the child picks up from that? What if there's violence? It's just showing them that this is acceptable behaviour and it will show the child that this is what a normal, healthy relationship is.
Usually, not all the time, a child who has grown up in that kind of environment will repeat that cycle in some way. Whether it's letting someone use them, or being physically/mentally abusive.
The best thing you can do for a child if you're not happy and there's a toxic environment is to divorce, no question.
My parents divorced when i was 5, although from what i remember they always seemed happy together but it was the right thing to do.
Ironically my mum's next boyfriend moved in after that and he is a complete asshole, mentaly/physically abusive and i had to put up with that for 17 years till i moved out. Now they should have split a long time ago but i know it's never going to happen because it's been that way for too long but i know it's definitly affected my relationships with men and how i've let people treat me badly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): As painful as a divorce might be, I don't think you'd be doing anyone a favor by settling in for the long haul if neither of you are happy, basically.
As a psychologist and marriage counsellor once said to me - your kids will most likely be better off with a happier, albeit divorced dad than a sad, bitter, married one - which was what I was turning into at that point.
Best of luck to you...
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 Mine divorced when I was 2... Now I have two happy families instead of one miserable one.
It's a total no-brainer in my opinion.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): I am in a divorce process with a 12 year old. I came to the conclusion that unhappy , bickering and miserable parents would set a worse example than facing a divorce. I dont want him growing up thinking our mediocre marriage is as good as it gets. If he were younger, I'd have said stay together. But he is handling it remarkably well, his grades and outlook are improving and life is looking better for everyone. Yes, we all miss the family moments, but we both are VERY supportive of our son and see him regularly. It is important to Co-parent, and not treat each other like ex'es.
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female
reader, Shojiki +, writes (13 November 2010):
 Hi,
Well I can see where your coming from, my parents divorced when I was 11. Honestly I think you need to just take a step back and look at the situation, I know I would have loved for my parents to stay together, but my dad was kind of a blind dick to my mom and would not take fault for anything and my mother was kinda mentally absent at home...
My mom moved clear to the other side of the country not too long after they divorced and my dad would bitch and whine about the house phone ringing and how his girlfriend would answer so I talked to her VERY little until I moved out about 6 years later. I grew up hearing a lot of bs about how horrible a mother she was and that it didn't make a difference she left since she was always on the internet and when she left I got told that I'm the woman of the house and so I had all the house keeping on me since then (which is not fair, mom or dad house cleaning is a shared FAMILY responsibility). I held a lot of resentment towards my mom for never being there while I was growing up when I finally saw her 6 years later.
I think what would be BEST for the kids is to really really think about your situation. Is there hope for you guys to be happy together again? Are you falling out of love? Are you just fighting way too much? If its either of those, 1st and foremost before anything see if you can work it out, have heart to heart what is causing the problem and how do you fix it. Try talking and LISTENING to each other.
I know unfortunately things cant always be this way but first you have to give it everything you have to try and save your marriage. If divorce is what is left and there is children involved then the best thing you can do for your child is LEAVE THE RESENTMENT AT THE DIVORCE!! I cannot tell you how much pain I went through growing up just hearing shit back and forth about my parents. YOU know how hard it was having that empty spot in the house no other "boyfriend" of your mom could ever fill. That is enough. Your husband never did the dishes? He was always going out and coming home drunk? He cheated? you know what, that's NOT your kid's fault. As hard and irritating as it can be at first the best thing is just to close the doors on all hard feelings. Don't hold jealousy if your kid wants to go see dad every weekend,or if your kid wants to call dad all the time, that makes it easier to cope. and please please please don't put your kid in the middle of your after-divorce, your late/unpaid child support is NOT your kid's problem and he/she does not want to hear over and over about why "it is better this way". They will understand it when they are older.
And if you are on the other end, meaning NOT with your children, then understand, THEY WILL STILL NEED YOU EVEN IF THEY ARE WITH DAD!Dont move more than just a few hours away, be part of their life, go to their corny flute recitals and their soccer games, take them out for a sandwich every now and then, when they visit you sit them down and talk to them like you would if they were living with you (about sex, respect, schooling etc as the time comes). If you have to pay child support, just do it and save yourself the head ache of dealing w bs.
Talk with your partner openly about everything involving your kid, visiting days, trips, holidays etc and no matter what always keep respectful to each other. What happened in your marriage has past, your kid needs you BOTH.
In the end of it though, your going to make mistakes, no one is perfect and the best thing your child can know is that you always did your best for them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I am a child of divorce, and divorced my ( now ex ) this year.As a child, I too missed my dad alot. My teenaged years were hell, and he wasnt there for me. I hurt alot here too, but found comfort and support with my friends. My friends became my family as I was/am an only child.As an adult, I was in an abusive relationship. He was a drug abuser, spent all the money, lived the single life, while I held the house/family together. My marriage was emotionaly abusive. The night it went to physical abuse, he did it in front of my daughter, and I had to make a decision. Have her hate me now and leave her dad, or have her hate me later for teaching her that its OK for a man to abuse you. It wasnt easy, but I had to make the right decision for her and for me.Dont kid yourself, your kids think the world of this man, they only know daddy and they love and adore him. But you have to live for you. Kids are resiliant,and alot tougher than we adults give them credit for, but they need to know that a divorce isnt because of them .. they may not understand now, but like you, and like me, one day they will understand.This isnt ever an easy decision, for anyone. What I found in talking to friends, and researching support sites, was that 80% of divorces are filed by the woman, and usualy she will take 2 years of thinking it over before acting on it. How long have you been thinking about it ?
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A
female
reader, Sarahh._x  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Dont stay together for the kids, if you argue all the time it is not good for them. I speak from experience. My parents argued infront of me 24/7 when i was young and i ended up agressive because of it. If you not happy in your marriage your children WILL understand when they're older that it was a good thing you split up, you have to think of yourself.
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female
reader, Natalie:) +, writes (12 November 2010):
 As a child who grew up with parents who tried to stay together for the kids, it doesn't work. Although we are of course initially upset we understand in the long term that it was better you were as individuals and happy than together and sad
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Divorce isn't easy by any means and for the whole family it absolutely sucks. Your parents divorce when you were 8, mine divorced when I was 23..just 2 years ago. It's much, much harder to accept when you're older. You don't know it any other way for 23 years..but having to put up with their constant fighting, you and your siblings being put in the middle, and lastly I leave with a fear of my marriage. Could my marriage end up like that? I wish they would have done it a long time ago when my father first asked for one..could have accepted it a young age and maybe they'd have a chance to be friends since they have to share the children. Now, I have 3 houses to go to on holidays, pretty hard to split Thanksgiving dinner 3 ways equally (my mom's, my dad's, and my husband's).
That's the number one mistake you can make is to stay together for the children. It's better to be raise in 2 happy households than one miserable one.
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