A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend plans to buy an apartment, and asked me if I would like to move in with him when he's bought one. I have suggested we rent together instead, but he's very keen on buying his own place and not rent. He can not afford a big place, so it will be small, with a fair assumption smaller than what we'd be able to rent together for the same cost. In particular he wants to buy in an expensive area, where the cost of living will be high. He wants me to pay for half of his interest on his loan + half of the utilities. I don't think this is fair, as it's an apartment he's planning to buy either way, that wont really fit two people (he said so himself some time before asking me to move in..), and I will not save any money on it (the best "deal" he offered me was worse than what I'd pay if we just rent together in my current flat) + there'd be less space + it'd not be equally shared as it's "his place". I have the means to buy my own place, about the same size as he wants to buy, only with a lower standard, so I've been holding off on it because I would like the opportunity to live together with a boyfriend eventually (and live in a properly sized place with at least a bedroom, he's looking mainly at studio apartments). I know he can't afford a bigger apartment, so we'd be living together in a tiny place if he bought an apartment. I would be willing to compromise on space as it's his dream to buy an apartment now. However, should I have to pay rent to him? I suggested that I pay half the utilities, something he did NOT like to hear, and we had an argument about it. We're friends again now, but the issue is still unresolved.Buying together is not an option now, neither of us think it's a good idea to invest together when we're not married or have been together for a longer period of time. Dear Cupids, what do I do?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (13 January 2015):
I would be suspicious in light of his recent proposal. Why did he change his mind so fast? He clearly is just looking for a way for you to help buy him out, this is simply another way for him to achieve his goal. DO NOT buy a place with someone unless you are married already, it is a financial disaster. At least when you are married you can know that you will get half if you split.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 I say since you are so determined to live with a boyfriend then the two of you should rent together and see how it goes. Split rent, bills, food 50/50 and do NOT buy any large ticket items together. If you need a sofa you buy it or he buys it, that way if your relationship goes in the crapper you can divide your household up with no problem. If you decide you like living together and want to buy a place, get married or get a good lawyer to draw up a legal contract.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): I would still be very careful in regard to his new proposal.
To be cynical - and sorry, but I feel it's necessary for things like this - if he wants to make sure he can "buy you out" if things go wrong - then he is still hedging his bets and still using you to help him to finance a mortgage that he otherwise would not be able to get alone.
If he buys you out, then he still gets to keep a larger property bought between both of you, whereas you would have to start all over again in a market where property prices have increased - you will be put back in the position of First Time Buyer all over again, whereas he will have a nice, large place to make a home for another woman.
I think this is a very strange thing for a man to propose - again, he is still thinking of his best interests whilst putting on a good show of seeming to be offering you a good deal - he comes out winning yet again. I'd still walk away from this guy, he sounds like a conman and v. manipulative.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, I did not expect so many answers and such support for my decision.
To Midnight Shadow: I said "a boyfriend" because this has been my plan since long before I met my current boyfriend.
I have been taken advantage of financially by an ex, so since then I wont allow myself to make any financial decisions a bank wouldn't do. I had a long conversation with my cousin yesterday, as she was in this same position with an ex of hers. He owned a house, and wanted her to pay half the mortgage without owning a share of the house. This is why they ended the relationship, because she refused. Her ex soon found another woman who moved in and started paying him rent, though. So there are still a lot of women who would do this, which I feel is making it a lot more difficult for those of us who can see that this isn't fair and who say no.
After talking to my cousin yesterday I felt I had gotten more backup in my decision, and my boyfriend came over and had a talk. To my surprise his attitude had completely changed! I expected an argument or at least a debate over this, and had my points lined up, but then he instead said he'd been thinking... He suggested that we buy a place together and share the mortgage 50/50, provided it is an apartment where he can afford to buy me out, should things end up not working out.
I said I can not do this unless I at least have lived with him for a while, and he accepted to rent together for a while before buying a place.
Im still just evaluating the offer and thinking about it, as I do think it is a massive commitment to buy a place without being married. I'm not at all sure that this is what I want, but I am glad he'd changed his ideas and opened up for communication about this.
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (13 January 2015):
I agree with the others, DO NOT move in with him even if he tries to bargain with you. His offer is insulting, basically you are an unofficial co signer on HIS property with none of the benefits yet all of the disadvantages. He is making it look like he is thinking of you in the long term at first glance., yet he clearly only has his own interests in mind. What happens if he is late getting a payment or two together? Will he then ask you to lend him the money, til he sorts his finances out? Nope, dont even go there, this is a disaster waiting to happen. You deserve someone less selfish.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2015):
 I agree with YouWish as well.
I don't think it's unfair that you fair half the utilities, and maybe even part of the "rent" (mortgage) but HALF? You don't even GET to OWN anything if you two don't work out. IT is HIS. If he can't AFFORD to buy this tiny apartment without you contributing.... He shouldn't buy an apartment.
You might actually end up paying MORE then you do now, ALL so that HE can OWN an apartment. Doesn't sound like a good deal to me. And yes you HAVE to look at this as a business deal.
I DO think living together is a step in the right direction for most couples, but AT your expense? NO.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): He's obviously not planning a long term future with you, or he - or even you - would suggest you buy a place together.Don't let your hard earned money pay his mortgage off, and leave you penniless and without a home when it all ends.Maybe this is the test in the relationship of whether you are in it for the long term, if neither of you would feel happy about the other person being legally tied to them in a joint mortgage (or whatever the appropriate percentage split would be) then maybe it's time to move on.Now if you had met, he already owned a place and wanted a contribution UNTIL you both invested in somewhere together than I would say it's fair as you would live there. This guy just sees you as a way of halving his mortgage costs without any commitment.Seriously, evaluate whether this relationship is one you want to be in or perhaps you're best out of it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 January 2015):
 Sometimes, romance and "moving in together" has to be stripped of its charm, and be recognized for the "business arrangement" that it may be.....
IF he is buying a flat... and wants you to live with him WHILEST YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THE MORTGAGE FOR THAT FLAT (which REALLY means that YOU are ONLY his "tenant"...), THEN you will really have nothing to show for your contribution... That is, you would be no worse-off if you simply declined to move in, and remained in your own place.
HE gets a very attractive sort of "roommate"/tenant... one who: 1. likes him, 2. contributes to his mortgage, AND, 3. puts out for him....
Do you see the disparity in the arrangement as he's proposed it???
If'n you and he may - or, ARE - an "item".... then insist that you and he buy the flat IN A PARTNERSHIP.... a REAL partnership.... which is drawn up.... and buys the flat (the partnership is the OWNER)... and YOU will have protected your interest (AND, your money contribution).
I'm not big on "moving in".... in general... BUT, this arrangement - as you describe it - sure doesn't seem to be much for you.....
Good luck....
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 January 2015):
 Don't move in with him. If he wants to buy a place then he should do so with his own financial resources. If he needs to have a roommate to cover his payment then he needs to factor that in. Just because you are dating does not make you the unofficial co-signer on his mortgage.
Go ahead and buy your own place. Build your own financial security.
You could of course, look at a place that you can't quite afford and offer that he move in and pay half the interest and half the utilities. I doubt he'd think that was a good financial move for himself. :)
You two are definitely not ready to move in together and you certainly should not put yourself in the position of being his financial guarantor for a place he can't afford to buy on his own.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): Your boyfriend made you a very bad offer. It's a double bad offer actually: less space and more rent money. I don't understand, does he think you are that stupid?The thing is he can't even give you an argument that he could have rented a room out to someone else to pay the rent. Because he can't rent anything out. He is going to have only 1 room. So, you are perfect for him, you get to sleep in his bed, so you don't need a separate bedroom and on top of that you are paying half. I hope he is not counting on you when he is buying this place, as you are not a permanent fixture. You can get up and leave any moment, so is he going to look for another girfriend really fast because he needs to pay his mortgage? I think this arrangement is ridiculous. He could have said at least to pay him something, deffinitely less than you are paying now and may be half of utilities. But he could have also be a good boyfriend and agree with you paying just had utilities or even all of them, but not half the mortgage.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (12 January 2015):
 This says it all: "I've been holding off on it because I would like the opportunity to live together with a boyfriend eventually" - you wrote "a boyfriend", not "my boyfriend". What you do about that is up to you, but it means you're definitely not ready to move in with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): I agree with YouWish.The answer would be absolutely not.My husband and I invested into a small apartment together. We too wanted to have an apartment in a good neighborhood as it is a safer investment. Our minimum was one bedroom and it is still pretty small, thank god we get along fine ;) Even if we weren't married, we would have been co-owners. It is not fair that only one party gets to own something that two are paying off together.I don't understand how he could have made such an offer in the first place.Imagine that you share a restaurant bill while he's the only one who gets to eat it.Now, from a little less objective perspective. I could never ask my partner/boyfriend such a thing and I would never accept it either. I would openly explain why I think it is unjust and asked him to explain why he thinks it is a good option for me. Out of curiosity. There's a good probability I'd dump him afterwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): I totally agree with YouWish, don't move in with him it's a crap 'deal' he's offering you, but makes his life easier - half his costs paid and free sex AND his own flat. He's not thinking about your comfort AT ALL, otherwise he wouldn've compromised and bought a bigger place in a less expensive area and not made you pay so much - or even rented and waiting until you were both sure and then bought together. He's only thinking of himself and you are just an "add on" in his life, another comfort that he thinks he can use. He's not thinking of you just for your own sake either - how are you supposed to save for your own place whilst being squashed up in some tiny place. He sounds very selfish and immature.Don't worry if the area you want to buy in is not as good as his. Just buy your place - areas can change and poorer areas are often a better bet for investing in because they tend to improve and up the value of your property MORE than if you buy into an expensive area. If you buy somewhere that needs improving, you can do some improvements and hop from place to place for a few years if you like, making a profit each time. One thing I learned from my Mum and Dad: my Dad was an accountant and so my Mum trusted his opinion on financial matters. When her Dad died, she inherited a flat in a beautiful city but in a poor area. My Dad told her to get rid of it. Even as a little girl I somehow felt so sad about this. Years later, due to ridiculous decisions on my Dad's part, they lost their own home and eveything else, then my Dad died soon after leaving my Mum destitute. She only once said: "I wish I'd got that flat now" - property prices in that area had absolutely sky-rocketed, and she would've been a rich woman.As an adult, I bought my own flat in what was a poor area, but which I felt had loads of potential. In 11 years it's value trebled and I made a massive profit, enough to buy my next flat outright. During that period I moved in with my partner to his flat for about a year. In that year he went on and on and on at me to sell my flat, saying we didn't have enough to live on. I could see that he was hopeless with his finances and I refused point blank to sell. Had I sold then, I would have lost around 100K of the profit I made.Sometimes I think men - my Dad, my boyfriend, feel threatened by a woman owning a property in her own right. They will never admit it, but they need to feel in charge and as if they are manly by being the only one to own - possibly they can't even sense that this is what they are feeling, but I honestly think this is what happened with my Dad - he wanted to control my Mum and my ex wanted to control me. I think your boyfriend is one of these men. Not only would I not move in with him, I'd dump him - he's being absolutely ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2015):
 Do not move in with him. A studio apartment is an apartment for ONE, and you paying half the interest when you won't get to share half the equity is a crap deal for you. If you can afford to do so like you say, buy your own place and start investing in your own property ownership.
I agree to not buy joint assets when you're unmarried. Personally, I'm against living together before marriage from an economic standpoint, not a moral one. The woman invariably suffers financially from this situation, especially if the guy is the equity-holder.
Also, if he's buying a studio apartment as his "next move", I'd be nervous about his long-term plans with you. You two would be right on top of each other in a studio, which is a toxic situation, and living together ups the chance of birth control carelessness, which then makes you wonder where you'd put the baby. His purchase is a LONG TERM one, meaning he's not thinking of marriage and family right now, but instead wants to use your income to leverage his own purchase power.
Get your own place. You do not need to live together with him in a studio.
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