A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. Your views would be welcome. Thanks. I went on an online date on saturday night. I had been talking on the phone to this guy for over a week. He was polite, and interesting. Anyway, we hit it off on the date, but after about 30 minutes he had put his arm round me and was holding my hand. He is a very tactile person, but this made me uncomfortable so I asked him to move his arm nicely, which then kept going back round my shoulder. I feel I had every right to do that.Apart from that, we got on really well, and I was very attracted to him. We left the bar, and he made a joke about four times about coming back to my house. I was very firm with him and said no, and that he was scaring me ( which he wasn't, but it just came out). I also told him to go one way at the station, as I am going the other!! I felt a bit bad about saying that the next day, as he looked surprised, so I texted him saying thank you for a nice eve, and that it was nice to get to know him better, and how is he? He responded hours later saying 'it was good to get to know you too'. Out of curiousity, I logged into the dating app we had met through. He had logged on just after he left me on the date, then again the next day before he responded. I messaged him saying 'good luck with your search'. and he messaged back saying'why are you saying that?', so I said 'because i mean it? Lighten up!!', and he messaged back 'lol'. I deleted the conversation thread and dissapeared off the site and deleted his contact details, as I was confused. I felt bad, so stupidly facebooked him a message to set the record straight this morning saying that I think there had been some miscommunication, and have a good day, keep in touch and that if I came across as harsh, I did not mean too'. He messaged back straight away saying'Hi. Ok. Hope you have a nice day too'. I won't be contacting him again of course, but is he feeling rejected?was I too over the top?.Or has he basically rejected me and is just responding with closed end answers so I won't say anymore?I really liked him, but just a bit confused with what happened? Thank you. X
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi WiseOwl . You are right - he is a guy regardless. Sorry to go on, but last night we had a very long Facebook private message chat about lots of things. Not about me and him, but about lots of different subjects, so I got even more confused. Then he asked if we could Tango video call , but I said no, as I did not have any make up on. Lol. Anyway, the outcome is this. If he calls later all well ( but not necessarily good), if not and he tries again over the next few days, I will not be available AT ALL. I am starting to wonder if it is an ego thing for him eg: he knows I llike him and get all excited talking to him and het gets off on it ,but to be honest, I think/ know I am clutching at straws, as he has showed me point blank who he is - but because he is/ was the first person I have been attracted to for some time since my ex it's all been a bit .. goo goo eyed for me. I'm going to wangle my way out of 'liking' him asap. I am not in for any dramas , and I think this guy is a drama. So here it goes. At least I may have saved myself a load of heartache, and would have no doubt been on the site again with a load of problems quite soon with him , which infact, I would have brought on myself!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): He was a handful on the first date. Your co-worker may be stereotyping just a wee bit. He was too aggressive with you, and his suggestions to have sex on the first date was totally out of line. His nationality/ethnicity has nothing to do with it. He's a guy. Meeting a woman for the first time, you should be respectful and make her feel at ease. Not presume she's ready to jump into bed the first night.
I know you said you liked him. If you have to constantly remind him to behave himself, he doesn't respect you. His motive is to hook-up with you. Knowing you like him; he just assumed it would be easy to get what he wanted. Sex!
You're confused because in spite of it all, you still like him. Use your best judgment.
I changed my opinion based on this:
"Pps. Wiseowl. Do you really think it was ok for him to ask me if he could come to my place so many times?.thats not very gentleman like.Surely! I think he is out for hook ups. Hence, he's not talking to me!!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlos, I spke to a Jamaican co - worker of mine. this guy is Jamaican, but has been in london since 2001. She said that that's what Jamaican guys are like, and that all try it and that you have to set boudaries, and then they are ok. ( Not sure I belive that... but there you go. Lol)
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 I think you did the right thing in asking him to keep his hands to himself and NOT wanting to take him home at the end of the night.
The fact that he SUGGESTED several times to end up at your place, makes me think he was HOPING for sex. I said hoping, not expecting. However, since you didn't put out, he wasn't as keen afterwards.
But he hasn't given up HOPE that you might PUT OUT. Hence keeping sporadically in touch on FB.
Personally, I would say LISTEN to your gut. This guy isn't a keeper for you. He lacked respect for you and was IGNORING what you said. Basically, no could mean yes with this girl, so if I keep suggesting we go home to HER place, maybe she will give in. Then add that you had a "naughty" look in your eye (again, maybe her (you) no meant yes or maybe).
I'd chuck this one back in the pond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): I don't think it is appropriate for a man to make sexual advances or speak inappropriately with a woman he has barely known a week. That isn't what I said anyway. You added more details, which justify your reaction. Had you been more detailed in your first post, perhaps my response would have been different.
No, he was completely out of line with you. However; the fact he went back online doesn't mean much. He only had one date with you. You did say you wanted to apologize. Why?
If he behaved so inappropriately and invaded your space, I don't see any reason for follow-up; or any continuation of any sort of contact.
I read your post carefully before responding. I also took your comment that you liked him into account.
You may have read his motives correctly, but the follow-up contact would be contrary to your behavior on the date.
I'm a very analytical person. I have to look at things from all sides.
No intent to make you feel bad. The additional comments you offer brings more to light.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 January 2015):
 He was coming on too fast and too heavy.
Don't waste one more iota of your life on worrying if you offended him. He should be worried about offending you. Joking about going back to your place once.... maybe a joke. Joking about going back to your place twice, hmmm, he's trying it one. Joking about going back to your place thrice, um, well, now he obviously is feeling that he can push boundaries. Joking about going back to your place FOUR times? Um, er, did you look him up in the dick-tionary? Because that's what he is.
He isn't looking for a girlfriend. That's fine, if he's been upfront about that.
If you are looking for a boyfriend then be upfront about that.
Set the boundaries and don't worry about 'offending' a guy with your sensible boundaries. A genuine candidate for dating long term would not be offended by what you did.
Don't contact him and don't facebook him and don't stalk him on any social media. Let him go back into the dating pool.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): Here's exactly what happened to a tee. His expectation was very different from yours. He went on this date under the assumption that he was going to get laid. He had no intention of getting to know you, his only intention was to get you in the sack. Which is why he prematurely tried to put the moves on you, to which you resisted. And kept making inappropriate comments about going home with you and what not. You did nothing wrong in pushing him away and standing your ground. He was in the wrong not you. From the start he was treating you like an object that he could persuade and then use for his sexual gratification. He did not treat you with dignity. He immediately went back on the dating site right after your date in order to find another date with someone else in hopes that the next person will need less convincing to have sex with him. So don't worry about him, and stop questioning yourself cause he sucks. Keep your chin up and just be proud that you turned him down and didn't fall for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree so ver confused. I now have a new update. He has messaged me on facebook asking how my day was? I answered normally and politely. I'm confused even more now...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2015):
 I agree that meeting guys online then meeting in person is a bit more difficult in that many (not all) guys who are online are looking for sex in the guise of a relationship.
I personally am a very touchy feely person and I find his FIRST date behavior over the top and intrusive.
I think that it was fine until you went to: "I messaged him saying 'good luck with your search'. and he messaged back saying'why are you saying that?', so I said 'because i mean it? Lighten up!!', and he messaged back 'lol'. "
then it was "you're bad" kind of thing.. I know you were trying to be light hearted and let him know it was ok... you needed to just let it go IMO and wait and see what he did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPps. Wiseowl. Do you really think it was ok for him to ask me if he could come to my place so many times?.thats not very gentleman like.Surely! I think he is out for hook ups. Hence, he's not talking to me!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPs.please excuse my spelling readers. Was typing on a tiny cell phone keyboard!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all. Thanks for your answers. I went back on the site to see if he had been on there. I did however feel ge was invading my personal space, and found myself sitting on the edge of the bar settee he was sitting next to me on. Je also made a few sexual remarks. I did not mean to make him feel creepy at all, but he was acting a bit too all over me. I wanted a date where we could chat, drink and get to know each other a bit better. Nothing wrong with that after all, plus I do not want to rush into anything with just anyone before I get a measure of their character. I am not out for hook ups. He probably was pr is. I was concerned I had gone over the top, but thinking about it, he should have respected my boundaries. I may even have kissed him before I left if he wasn't quite so all over me and telling me I have a 'naughty look in my eye'. Apart from that the conversatoon was great.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 January 2015):
 The thing with internet dating (which I have learnt from personal experience) is that men like to keep their options open. They may be chatting to multiple women at any one time, working out which one they like best.
You had one date.... therefor you are not a couple, or even dating as such. He has every right to be on the dating site the next day or the same day, even though it makes you feel terrible when you find out. He owes you nothing, just as you could also be chatting to other guys too.
This is what I cannot deal with in regards to internet dating. I am a one man woman. I cant multi-date.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): I hope you don't mind a guy's opinion.
You were on a date. Holding your hand or putting an arm around you was respectful enough. Most women expect a romantic-gesture over the course of an entire evening.
How else would you know he's attracted to you?
You did overreact a little.
If you want to date, you can't be untouchable. You do have a right to set boundaries, but your reaction sent a negative vibe, and made him feel as though he creeped you out. You were somewhat impolite.
Apologizing after the fact does not undo first impressions.
He did nothing really inappropriate.
If he makes inappropriate suggestions, you might firmly say "I found that comment inappropriate." Or, you can simply say "we need to get to know each other better." That leaves an opening for a second date, if you found him to be a gentleman in every other way.
My opinion of such a date? I wouldn't rate it very highly. He didn't have reason not to go back to the site if he wanted to. You did, or you wouldn't have known he had.
You don't have to unsubscribe on one date. Which wasn't that great, I might add.
In his defense, I wouldn't blame him for not wanting another date. I'm not sure how a guy is supposed to be romantic, if his date is feeling uncomfortable to be touched.
In your defense, you have to be more relaxed; and find a more polite way to deflect unwanted passes. An arm around you or holding your hand is not inappropriate.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2015):
 He wanted sex and you didn't want to go that fast. He's too touchy-feely and forward and you didn't like it. Why are you worried about offending him??
I think he's not talking to you because he's interested more in internet hookups than he is an actual relationship. You stopped that cold, so he's not interested in you because you're not there for the quick sexytime.
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