A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm still in a dilemma about my ex, help!To sum up, after being continually accused of chatting to men, cheating etc (did none of this) and noticing changed in his behaviour and times he was going out i discovered he had been going out to dance classes and had been lying to me for 4 months about where he was on those nights. He would tell me he was going to his brothers house. I also discovered messages from his ex that were suggestive and arrangements to meet up with her and invitations from a woman who goes to the dance classes asking if he wants to go with her on a long weekend to a dance workshop. Ended the relationship because of the lies more than anything, felt really worthless and betrayed. Anyhow, we have a daughter together and live long distance at the moment, although he did say he would move up with me. He's very insecure and sometimes a bit bullying when it comes to the accusations about men but i do feel like we had something special. Im currently at a stage when im sick and fed up and would like to erase the past three years out my head but im worried i will regret this.Is it possible to build trust back into a relationship. He swears blind he didnt cheat on me with these woman but as we live long distance i would never actually know if he was cheating or not. I feel like everytime i try and say anything about him lying to me he immediatly turns it around and accuses me of doing stuff i have never done so i end up defending myself instead of anything else. What to do?? Stay, go? build trust, is that even possible? We have a little girl together and he has not bonded very well with her and openly admits favouring his other two children, i feel if i walk away now there will never be a bond there and my little girl will lose her dad as he will not come up here to see her. (she is only 1 so cant phone of call him to stay in contact) Anyone been here and manage to save their relasionship. Feel like mine has gone down the pan. Proper self esteem killer. :S
View related questions:
his ex, insecure, long distance, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eddie, He doesnt get much contact with his children unfortunately as his ex doesnt let them see him and he has to see them in a contact centre. (different ex to the one he was chatting to) Many thanks for you input :)
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 Ultimately the decision is up to you, but it sounds like you already have a torrid past.
If you didn't have a child together, I'd probably write this one off as a bad experience and to tell you to move on.
Since there is a child here, I think, if you are willing to work at it, it might be worth a second shot. I would recommend you take things slowly -- as if you were dating from day 1. You can re-establish trust with one another but it is going to take time, and he has to own up to his mistakes of the past (as do you -- whatever faults you may have had). Also, you should consider what your relationship will have on his other two children and if you are willing to accept them as part of his life (it sounds like he is going to have a lot of contact with his ex(s)).
You may also want to consider seeing a relationship specialist to see if they can help you work on communication.
Ultimately this relationship must be a two way street. It's going to take time, openness, forgiveness, and maturity. For the sake of your child, I hope you work out.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): I have just been through a similar situation with my son and his father,favouring his two other kids but denying it he`s now decided he wants zero contact with his son and ive accepted his decision and walked away as my son wont loose out on anything as i will provide enough love and material things the only thing i cannot provide is father/son memories for my child
...............................
A
male
reader, mistermann +, writes (1 September 2011):
I really feel for you, it is a horrible situation to be in.It is commonly said that those that accuse others of cheating and are insecure have often cheated themselves. There is no sure fire way of knowing if he has cheating, you go with your instincts.However, the more important matter is whether you choose to forgive and forget or if you accept that you cannot trust him again. Only you know your own capacity to forgive and forget. Personally, I think if I distrusted someone I'd find it impossible to build the trust back again.It is wonderful that you are putting your daughter at the forefront of your decision and thinking about her future. However, regardless of whether you or your partner are together, you are both still parents. I completely understand where you are coming from and why you want to protect her and ensure she has a relationship with her father, but you cannot base a relationship on this alone. In my opinion, it is much worse for a child to be brought up in a relationship with two parents that don't trust one another. The simple fact is, he has to step up to his responsibilities as a father regardless of your relationship status.Keep the two issues separate. Your relationship and yours and your partners relationship with your daughter. Deal with the relationship and then if issues arise in the relationship between partner and your daughter, deal with this separate.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): I have to ask why,when you have a daughter, he lives long distance and not with you? Has it always been like this or just since you split?
Also if you 'found' messages he had received was this because you checked as you didn't trust him and had doubts already?
To me it sounds like there is nothing much left as neither of you trust the other.Sounds like you have good reason not to. The only way you have the remotest chance is to actually live together, as a family, and try to rebuild the trust you have lost.As long as you live apart there will be doubts on both sides.
...............................
|
